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Thread: Question :- good relationship or failed ?

  1. #26
    Silver Member Pumped's Avatar
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    For what it is worth, IMO, if you have a good marriage, it will work. If you don't have a good marriage, it will eventually find some reason to collapse.

  2. #27
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    Teresa,
    I revealed my desire to wear women's clothing before we got married. Our marriage lasted just short of 30 years, had many good times and many not so good times. My ex filed for a divorce, which caught me by surprise. We lived under the same roof for 6-8 months until the divorce was final.
    Looking back, we were opposites who were attracted to each other, and although my ex blamed my crossdressing for the divorce there were multiple reasons that contributed to our divorce.

  3. #28
    Aspiring Member ShelbyDawn's Avatar
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    Not a good person to ask, my marriage was a dumpster fire on steroids from day one, the abuse I endured was the reason I found dressing again after over twenty years and while it had nothing to do with the real reasons, oh so many reasons, we got divorced, she made sure it was prominently noted in the divorce decree so there was an official record of my 'depravity.'

    The irony was how upset she was when she lost friends "due to my dressing" when she was the one going around telling everyone. I'm sure it had nothing to do with a bitter witch dumping her personal garbage all over them every chance she got, but I'm over it now, can't you tell..
    I am Me and Me is OK!



    Shelby

  4. #29
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    I hope Nadine's (#24) statistical sampling is correct. Given the number of guests who frequent the site I wonder who they are; cross dressers, wives and girl friends, lurkers, researchers? Perhaps 80-90% do stay in a marriage after a "reveal" or "The Talk." I wonder how many relationships were aborted when cross dressing arose prior to marriage; dropped like a hot potato. Then, I wonder how many marriages in the real world should be terminated but continue for typical reasons; income, the kids, social status.

    I suspect the longer a secret is kept the greater the possibility or probability the marriage will survive "The Talk." The desire to wear women's clothing and emulate a woman is only a part of the man. There are numerous other qualities of any man. Not all are good, but, that may be a reason for a marital breakup regardless of any cross dressing.

    My wife and I will be celebrating forty-nine years this year. Yes, I had some youthful experience with wearing my mother's clothing many years before I met my wife. It was a distant memory. In the 1960's there was no resource material available. After tying the knot there did develop some bedroom play with lingerie and hosiery. I would not call it cross dressing in the sense of emulating a woman. That came many years later. We had "The Talk" after our daughter yanked a vivid red Vanity Fair bra out of the bottom draw of my armoire. The entire idea was foreign to my small town girl. Due to some personal issues she had there was zero acceptance. She did make comments to the effect, if she had known, she would not have married me. But, by that time she saw the qualities she was attracted to were still there.

    I realized the issue of "trust" is never going to go away in some marriages. "What else is he hiding?" Yes, as I will acknowledge, the woman was not given the opportunity to make her choice. Yes, probably blindsided. My wife did profess or question was there some inadequacy on her part. Wasn't she enough for me? It took a long time for her to accept the fact my desire to wear women's clothing had absolutely nothing to do with her. I did not know, and, still do not know why I do what I do. It can be that simple.

    Now we are in a deep DADT. Yes, it would be nice if she were an active willing participant. But, that is not going to happen. Overall, the marriage is successful. I do not present in any manner any emulating of a woman. Fortunately, my gene pool has left me hairless on the legs and underarms. Sparse to almost zero in the chest. But, I do not do anything to modify my body or openly display anything feminine, There is no secretive nail polish on my toes. Yucky toes anyway. I do nothing to shove cross dressing in her face. I do not inch forward, and, hope to take a mile. On the other side, she does not tear the house apart trying to locate any "stash." There are no snide comments. I do read on this site some really bad marriages. It makes me wonder why the heck the guy takes it. I also read a lot of comments and wonder why the heck doesn't she just dump him. Both husband and wife would be better off not married when there is a total lack of respect for each other.

  5. #30
    Aspiring Member joank's Avatar
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    Going strong for 52 years. Full open after first 10 years and a lot of trade offs on both sides of the isle.
    joank
    Southern California

  6. #31
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    SirDonna ,
    The question is simple enough , has your marriage survived CDing /Tg issues or failed through them . Obviuosly all wives/partners are different but that point isn't relevant to the question .

    Nadine,
    I didn't want to be too specific , whatever label is used it is a forum for all those with TG or CDing issues , so my question was a basic one of has your marriage /partnership continued or failed through these issues . I wasn't sure if I would get a TS response or not I guess to be sure the question may have to be asked in the TS section . I do appreciate your input many thanks .
    Last edited by Teresa; 05-02-2020 at 01:05 PM.

  7. #32
    Senior Member Asew's Avatar
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    My wife is fairly accepting most of the time but my CDing is a strain among other strains on our relationship.

  8. #33
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    I would like to thank you all for taking the trouble to reply to the question .

    I've just had a quick check on the replies so far and I make 18 have intact marriages, 10 have failed , I've not counted multiple divorces which if I did would almost even the figures up .

    I hope more will take take the trouble to add to the figures , I'm not concerned about which label you use whether it be CDer, TG or TS .

  9. #34
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    25 years. Miad who doesn't wear dresses. She's known for 10 plus but only learned extent when she found my stash 4 years ago. Great marriage but some rough times. 99 percent sure we will make it until one of us dies, but if not, CD won't be the issue. I have other issues. Lol

  10. #35
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    I am about to propose to my girlfriend who knows about and supports my feminine side. It took me a year into our relationship to begin to explore my female side in front of her, and even then it is a little difficult for me to divulge things to her since I fear that it will somehow drive her away despite her being totally and completely supportive. I am starting to buy clothes to keep in my closet next to my male clothing and even had my first pair of heels show up and i wore them this morning to show them to her. She told me that she was jealous of my style lol. But its opened a dynamic in our relationship that has been truly awesome and new because now I am sharing everything about me with her and she loves that. I am so so very fortunate and I will be proposing to her next month.

  11. #36
    -1.#QNaN Lydianne's Avatar
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    It has to be tough to call a marriage that ends after 45 years, a 'failure'. By definition, yes, it's black and white, but 45 years is a very long time!

    Like if you're order-fulfilling, and you do 50 orders and make an error on two, I think "awesome job", but the director would throw a fit .

    - L.

  12. #37
    Silver Member Kandi Robbins's Avatar
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    It will be 34 years a week from tomorrow. I absolutely know I am unique in this regard, but my dressing is an almost complete nonissue. I denied it to myself most of my life, accepted it six years ago and then told my wife. All she wished for, and has continued to do so, is my happiness. Meanwhile, I have flourished as Kandi, our marriage is a solid one and my dressing, my massive wardrobe, my going out when that was possible, all nonissues. She sees me dressed frequently when I came and went out, but we don't participate as girl friends, my choice. My main role in my life is a husband and I wouldn't change that for anything.

    The answer to your question: great relationship!
    Visit Kandi's Land (http://www.kandis-land.com/) daily! Nothing but positive and uplifting posts!
    Pictures and stories of every time out: https://www.flickr.com/photos/131254150@N06/.

  13. #38
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    Lydianne,
    It maybe a failure of marriage but it wasn't all bad and many memories I hope I never forget . I might be nearing 70 but I don't feel old , so I hope I still have some good years left to still live life to the full . Being TG has given me a new lease of life , I have a new home to work on and still plan to start my art group , if I'd still been married would all this be happening ?
    Last edited by Teresa; 05-02-2020 at 03:01 PM.

  14. #39
    Senior Member Maid_Marion's Avatar
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    My wife knew before I was married because I told her. She bought up things like wearing panties and growing my hair out after I started wearing VS PJs to bed. But, she had health issues and I didn't have much time to explore my feminine side before she passed. She was conflicted about how good I look in women's clothes, as I have an hourglass figure. On one hand I look hot. On the other hand it would bring up issues that she had with her body. So much so that she would wait outside while I went into VS.

    Marion

  15. #40
    Girl from the Eagles Nest reb.femme's Avatar
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    Hi Teresa,

    My once in a few months appearance on the forum and I saw your post first.

    My marriage has failed due to my CDing issues, so another negative to add to the stats. I came out to her fully on 8th April 2012 and initially, she was really OK with it, but I had a serious failure of my immune system (bullous pemphigoid) from about July of the same year. The high dose steroids made me a different creature with mood swings and rage with a hair trigger fuse. Nothing physical or threatening toward her, just a tendency to go off the deep end about anything. i.e the colour of my coffee, as a silly for instance.

    She had changed in herself too, forgetful, no memory of recent discussion and at times pig ignorant, not to put too fine a point on it. I think she's just switched off to me, which I don't really blame her for. My time on meds was horrific, and then looking at it from her point of view, I'm a pale imitation of the guy she had kids with. So, we get to mid 2019 and she said the marriage is over. Been together since 1974, married in 1980.

    We get on OK, just about, but we're selling the house and looking for new homes out in Kent. Work will be further away, so I'll be looking for something nearer to my new home, but I'll be pushing 61 then. Eek.

    Oh well, such is life. At least I won't have anyone else to keep happy, apart from the cat.
    Flying high under the spell of life!

    http://www.rebsweb.co.uk

  16. #41
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    RebFemme,
    Sorry to add you to the failed list , I hope you are feeling better and it all works out for you . We do take our health for granted sometimes , for different reasons I know how much it can change us but I don't see myself as a pale imitation I'm just different to the way I was , I don't have any regrets I enjoy life in other ways .
    Last edited by Teresa; 05-04-2020 at 06:08 AM.

  17. #42
    Silver Member Rogina B's Avatar
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    Teresa,You know that there is a huge difference in a spouse coming out as "enjoying crossdressing" as opposed to identifying as Transgender and telling the spouse that you aren't sure "where your journey may lead..."
    It SURE is my hair ! I have the receipt and the box it came in !

  18. #43
    Silver Member Pumped's Avatar
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    reb.femme, It sounds to me like there was more than the dressing. Perhaps if not for the health issues things might have been different.

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    Quote Originally Posted by Rogina B View Post
    Teresa,You know that there is a huge difference in a spouse coming out as "enjoying crossdressing" as opposed to identifying as Transgender and telling the spouse that you aren't sure "where your journey may lead..."
    I have to agree. If I was fully dressed all the time and wandering the streets as a woman I doubt my wife would be around. Behind closed doors, at home or motels is fine with her. It was one of the items that came up during our initial discussions, how far was I going with this? I have no plans to leave the house dressed as a woman and go to work, or shopping. It is just too large of a step to take, to much chance of a major life change as friends and possible employers don't accept.

  19. #44
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    Pumped/Rogina,
    I wasn't really looking at the rights on wrongs of acceptance just asking a basic question if you've retained a working marriage or not through our issues , OK I accept that these issues arte possibly the straw that broke the camels back . Perhaps my marraige had run it's course anyway .

  20. #45
    Just being true to myself Jolene Robertson's Avatar
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    My first marriage failed because she wanted to play after 20 years together. I had not embraced or accepted this side of me yet so was completely in the closet and rarely dressed even though I always wanted to so that one had nothing to do with dressing although I think she'd have been fine with it. I came out to my current wife after 10 years together and she's been great with it even goes out with me dressed and shops with me. It's never been an issue for her. Of course she had all the usual questioned to start with but I was honest and have lived up to what I told her. We even share a lot of clothes.

  21. #46
    Miss Judy Judy-Somthing's Avatar
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    After 37 years of marriage this CD-ing thing might end in devoice.

    I accidently got hooked on CD-ing sometime around age 7.
    In my teens my friends new and we would dress up together and walk around town.
    I didn't think of it as being a Cross-Dresser, I just coincided it fooling around.

    After I got married I didn't say I was a Cross-Dresser, I figured I would stop dressing, which I did gradually over 4 years.
    Well children came I was so busy with being a dad I lost the desire to dress.

    After twenty five years the kids grown up and moved out I had idle time on my hands.
    The desire came back very strong so I told my wife.

    Well it didn't go over well to say the least. That was three years ago and Now I'm deep in the Closet!
    I hate keeping this secret and I feel the only thing that will stop this desire is when I loose the opportunity to indulge in it!
    "This is ME" I am not CRAZY, I'm just a GUY who likes dresses!
    Since allot of men dress up in woman's clothing that makes it a manly thing to do!
    Much more fun than fishing.
    I do construction like house building and I love CD-ing, what's the difference?

  22. #47
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    Judy,
    I guess the first thought should be what drives your dressing and do you have dysphoria , perhaps you need to think it through before jumping in the deep end . I guess I was lucky because we agreed 50-50 split so we could both buy a reasonable new home , if you can't agree on that then you could have a problem .
    Last edited by Teresa; 05-04-2020 at 01:08 PM.

  23. #48
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    Married twice, failed twice but different reasons. First union lasted 19 years, the second lasted 16. The first ended due to problems on both of our parts, the second almost entirely due to my gender issues. Looking back, (although I acknowledged being a cross dresser before we were engaged) I subsequently made about every possible mistake with my second wife regarding my desire to dress, my coming out and my conduct following coming out.
    Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.

    Eleanor Roosevelt

  24. #49
    Senior Member TheHiddenMe's Avatar
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    The tl:dr version. Married for 28, known each other for 35. The 7 years between meeting and marriage was a function of her living in Australia and me in the US; during those 7 years, we actually spent 7 months together.

    A couple of times early in our times together she put makeup on me and also let me dress one time in her clothes. About 15 years later (8 years into our marriage) I realized I wanted to get some clothes and dress occasionally. She is tolerant but not overly accepting. She doesn't like me going out, and has told me to "lie to her", so I do (about dressing and going out).

    The dressing is an irritant in our marriage, but a larger issue is the distance. I spend about 2 months in Australia and 10 months in the US. She's about 4 and 8, and would like the 4 to be more (she was supposed to return to the US last week, but with canceled flights her trip here is TBD). Given the headaches of the travel (it's at least a 24 hour trip), it's not practical to go more often than we do.

    So our marriage has issues, with my dressing being one, but we are still intact.

  25. #50
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    My wife of 38 years tolerates my dressing and even shops with me or brings me home feminine things. That said, I suspect she would rather that I not have this "hobby".
    Krisi

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