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Thread: The time has come put up or shut up

  1. #26
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    Denise,

    I can relate to some of your experiences, such as being submissive, and the cause of our divorce. In hindsight the divorce enabled me to re-group and move on. I kept things simple and gradually with time I was in a better place.

    Lots of good advice has been shared, move forward cautiously and slowly. And I hope your life will improve with each passing day. Best wishes!

  2. #27
    . Aprilrain's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DeniseNJ View Post
    I'm not sure if I want my attraction to change I've always been attracted to pretty women my whole life. When I look at a guy I don't get all tingly and weak in the knees. Although I didn't have sex with many girls over the years we always became friends first . I kind of felt a failure as a man. I was with my wife for over 30 ,many were toxic I've been the submissive one my whole life, and if I stay the course on HRT I'm just wondering what my future will bring. I'm so used to pleasing and doing for others like a caregiver.
    I've heard this same sort of thing from many trans women over the years. I was in a similar situation when I started transition.
    Estradiol shouldn't affect your fundamental attraction but starting transition can be life altering in ways you can not now fathom.
    In my experience most seem to maintain their attraction to women, and or branch out and embrace bisexuality.
    I know for me and I'm sure for others too, it became WAY easier to be with a man once they started paying attention to me as a female!
    Most of the trans women I've met end up alone or with another trans woman, very few stay with their wife and most have wives when they start transition, I did.
    Whoever you find to be with one things for sure you are very early days and have much to look forward to and be excited about.

  3. #28
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    Good point Michele...my divorce was unwelcome to me... but after it happened everything changed. possibilities emerged and I felt in the end I had no choice in what to do.

    Also a good point April. I think many of us end up with other transpeople. the operative word being "many" not all. There is a real benefit to have your gender fully understood and accepted and maybe most importantly internalized by your partner... finding a guy who is in love with you because you're a woman and not because you are a TG woman is not easy. And even tho its totally possible, until you've experienced the look of surprise when you disclose your past to a man, you cant understand how terrible that can feel. So the hurdle to find him is pretty high. And in the L community you are faced with a small but loud group that viciously rejects you and depending on where you are that's a pretty tight knit community... Everybody knows everybody and so even with support it can be a real burr in your side.

    All that being said. Worrying about future sexuality is a natural thing to ponder, but its not really a productive line because in the end you just dont know, and maybe you are going to have to accept that what you want sexually as a woman may be tricky no matter what happens...

    Im not saying this is true for everybody, but its true enough to be very aware of it and it matters simply because if you go into this you want to be prepared mentally for everybody to be against you and lots of huge ups and downs... Prepare for worst, expect and hope for best. in the end nothing matters compared to being able to express your true gender authentically... everything else is just what gets paid back for better or worse...

    Nothing will change Denise if you like being less aggressive in relationships. You will still be the caregiver side ..it would be nice if you find another care giver to share this wonderful quality .

    "getting weak in the knees over a gorgeous guy" is a stereotypical belief that you have and doesnt really reflect reality for most women. Yes swooning is a thing, the younger the more swoon, but sexuality is complicated, and female sexuality can be very responsive... in other words, getting attention can feel welcomed and create that "feeling"... its not even close to being all about the looks... if a nice guy chats me up or otherwise shows interest it can feel very much like I really like him even tho I paid no attention to him... see what im saying????

    you just dont know!!!! I feel strongly that I want you to succeed and so I hope my longish posts are helpful... Im sure others have different experience and im glad they are sharing openly.

    Bottom line
    Stay in the loop... is this on your mind 24/7?? Or is it something hanging around your thoughts... maybe its helpful to walk away from it for a bit? or if you are in a 24/7 loop you are well served to share and share which is super helpful to release stress....
    I am real

  4. #29
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Kaitlyn,
    As usual so well rounded off , many thanks for that .

    One question maybe from a personal angle because I was married for so long but does it take time to shake off the stereotype of what's expected of a man ? By that I mean dicovering what really makes you tick , in a recent conversation with a couple the husband again brought up the question of being gay . My reply was my gender is my problem not my sexuality . Afterwards I felt my reply was what he probably wanted to hear and not the whole truth , my sexuality is beginning to worry me . As you say we may think we know our preferences but sometime we run out of options .
    The real me ,no going back.

  5. #30
    Isn't Life Grand? AllieSF's Avatar
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    Theresa,

    I have to ask what do you mean by saying that your sexuality is not a problem.? I always think that once I accepted myself, regardless what others thought, I have no problems about gender nor sexuality. How could that be a problem for you based on where you are in life? Being gay or bi-sexual should not be a problem for anyone. It may cause issues with others, but those are their problem not ours.

  6. #31
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Allie,
    The point I was making to the couple was being born TG means my gender isn't as well defined but my sexuality wasn't affected , I've always known this . My wife often accused me of being homophobic but it's not a case of that I just don't relate to men in a sexual way , I'm not so concerned with it creating an issue with others but I know it would create one with me . I asked the question to Kaitlyn as I feel something is changing in me , I'm not on hormones so I wonder if my T levels are finally dropping off it may be creating a shift and some confusion in me . I've never had my levels checked so I'm just making that assumption , I've also noticed my bust has grown slightly and my nipples are far more sensitive .
    The real me ,no going back.

  7. #32
    Reality Check Krisi's Avatar
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    I have known a few people in my life whose "attractions changed". Not because of being transgender and not because of hormone therapy. They just "up and changed" at some point. A friend of mine's wife left him for a woman after twenty years of marriage and two children. A lady I worked with was a lesbian with a female "partner" yet she had been married to a man and had some children.

    Society tells us to find someone of the opposite sex to love, but sometimes this doesn't work out or we just happen to fall in love with someone of our same sex.
    Krisi

  8. #33
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Krisi,
    Society without question applies that pressure but that pressure also comes from within it's a natural instinct for survival of the human race .

    Allie ,
    I thought more about your comment after and also about the theme of the original thread , maybe we should take care not to confuse love with sexual needs or desires . I feel I could only love a woman , possibly instinctively and not a man , on that basis sex with a woman would be natural and with a man unnatural , this is obvioulsy my personal feeling .

    This now leads us into a grey area with a transwoman , I had this conversation with my TS friend , luckily she wasn't offended . She still admits she would prefer a relationship with a woman , then tongue in cheek she said , " For goodness sake go and get your bits cut off and we'd have a great time ! " Next time I'll restrict her to one glass of wine but we do have a great platonic relationship !
    Last edited by Teresa; 06-01-2020 at 09:03 AM.
    The real me ,no going back.

  9. #34
    Super Moderator Jeri Ann's Avatar
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    In Denise's original post she says, "I hear that your attractions could change while on estrogen."

    This is not true. Genetic women, who's bodies naturally produce estrogen, are not all attracted to men.Testosterone, naturally produced in the bodies of genetic men, does not cause them to be attracted to women.

    Quote Originally Posted by Teresa View Post
    This now leads us into a grey area with a trans woman , I had this conversation with my TS friend , luckily she wasn't offended . She still admits she would prefer a relationship with a woman , then tongue in cheek she said , " For goodness sake go and get your bits cut off and we'd have a great time ! " Next time I'll restrict her to one glass of wine but we do have a great platonic relationship !
    I do not understand this comment about "grey area" and it seems to be an odd statement to make in the Transsexual Section.

    Trans women identify as women. Some women are attracted to men, some to women and some can go either way. Sexual attraction has nothing to do with gender identification. There is no grey area with trans women any more than there is with genetic women.

    It does seem "grey" to me when someone identifies as female but needs to keep their male genitalia.

    Quote Originally Posted by Krisi View Post
    I have known a few people in my life whose "attractions changed". Not because of being transgender and not because of hormone therapy. They just "up and changed" at some point. A friend of mine's wife left him for a woman after twenty years of marriage and two children. A lady I worked with was a lesbian with a female "partner" yet she had been married to a man and had some children.

    Society tells us to find someone of the opposite sex to love, but sometimes this doesn't work out or we just happen to fall in love with someone of our same sex.
    This is it!

    It is all about being attracted to a person regardless of sex (gender). Sometimes attractions seem to change when the influence of societal norms is overcome. When a transwomen ceases trying to be a male, and begins to live authentically, it may involve a natural attraction to the opposite sex or it may not. You can be free to love whoever you want when you realize that societal norms do not have to apply to you unless you want them too.
    Last edited by Jeri Ann; 06-01-2020 at 12:54 PM. Reason: Spelling

  10. #35
    Member Robin-in-TX's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jeri Ann View Post
    I
    It does seem "grey" to me when someone identifies as female but needs to keep their male genitalia.
    Jeri, I don't understand that either. Except of course, there can be health issues or cost issues but otherwise, I don't know why you would want to keep them. To each her own.

    Robin
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    A song that I can sing in my own company

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  11. #36
    Rotten 80's child Nicole Erin's Avatar
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    I think ultimately you will be fine. I also don't imagine your life will change as much as you think.
    Even if it does, things will likely be for the better.
    It takes a true Erin to be a pain in the assatar.

  12. #37
    Isn't Life Grand? AllieSF's Avatar
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    "It does seem "grey" to me when someone identifies as female but needs to keep their male genitalia."

    Jeri Ann, your comment surprises me. It is bordering on, you are not a true woman unless you ...." You know we all go as far as we can or want, and that does not take away any level to our transness. I still have my bits and have pre-existing complications down there that I am not sure I want to deal with. Am I a gray area? We have always said on this site that being a woman has nothing to do with the body, unless we individually think that it is. If we believe that we are a woman, than we are and no one can take that away from us. In essence nobody really needs to understand it. I believe that most want to go the full route, but some do not and that is their choice. Who are we to judge or question?

    Allie

  13. #38
    Super Moderator Jeri Ann's Avatar
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    You are entirely correct Allie. I am not judging others. Each person chooses their own path. They greyness is my failure to understand. That’s why I said that “it was grey to me.” It doesn?t reflect any intolerance. There is no either or and gender is not black or white.

    I personally know people who look, live and identity as female, even legally changing name and gender but intend to keep their penis so as to have sex with women and refer to themselves as lesbian. Again, I personally don?t understand it. Just expressing my feelings, not judging.

    I also have one very good friend who, like you, has issues that prevent any surgery. She can?t even do HRT. None of that prevented her from transitioning several years ago, even in her law practice.

    I thought my post was clear about gender and sexuality. Both are as individual as fingerprints.
    Last edited by Jeri Ann; 06-02-2020 at 06:16 AM.

  14. #39
    happy to be her Sarah Charles's Avatar
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    I spent several years from the time first puberty hit until I finally got laid contemplating my sexuality, primarily being attracted to girls but damn near anything (cars, loud music, sitting still in class or church) during that time in life could get me excited. My view of my confused gender was subsumed by that sexuality and for quite a while seemed to be the only viable explanation for why I was attracted to the feminine. I was wrong, but working with inadequate information. As I change my hormones and presentation to the world now the sexuality has been on my mind once again. But being 70 years old, it's a lot more theory now than it was when I was young. I don't swoon over an attractive guy or gal, but anyone who pays attention to me in an honest and respectful manner has an inside track to a much better relationship.

    My advice to anyone doing this is to love yourself first. Build that self-confidence around your mind and heart and be ready to open your life to new perspectives and experiences, not just new clothes and a name. The imagery trafficked about transition are cocoon opening to reveal a butterfly or a flower opening to the sun. We need to key on the "Opening" part of that and maybe find things locked away that now have access to fresh air. We may find that we are still exactly the same inside, but knowing that allows us to move on. Expecting our sexuality be the bridge to understanding our gender is a bad and very limited choice of perspective.
    Sarah
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  15. #40
    Isn't Life Grand? AllieSF's Avatar
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    "My advice to anyone doing this is to love yourself first. Build that self-confidence around your mind and heart and be ready to open your life to new perspectives and experiences, not just new clothes and a name."

    So well stated Sarah! Thank you and that is exactly how I feel.

    Allie

  16. #41
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Maybe I should attempt to explain my comment about the " grey area " . I was explaining my preferences to my TS friend forgetting she had transitioned and is now female , unintentionally I was differentiating her from GGs , luckily she wasn't offended but I still apologised for my error .

    I will add I don't have a problem with my male parts , not because I want to remain male , I look at it simply as something we need to pee out of and occasionally sexual satisfaction . Otherwise they are out of sight and out of mind . I will ask the question does it really matter what anatomy we have to perform those basic functions ? I have several reasons ( not excuses ) why I know SRS isn't going to happen now , the important thing is I am comfortable and content with living my life at present , if I still choose to make that decision it will be mine alone and not from external pressures .

    Sarah,
    I feel the problem some people have is they expect their assigned or reassigned gender to resolve their sexuality .
    Last edited by Teresa; 06-02-2020 at 11:36 AM.
    The real me ,no going back.

  17. #42
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jeri Ann View Post
    Sometimes attractions seem to change when the influence of societal norms is overcome.
    Well said.

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