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Thread: Still supportive

  1. #1
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    Still supportive

    If you had a supportive girlfriend or fiance BEFORE you married:
    1. Did she remain supportive after the marriage?
    2. Did she become non-supportive after the marriage?
    3. Did you end up in a DADT situation?

    Please explain what you can. Your situation may well help others.

  2. #2
    I can only be me Samm's Avatar
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    So far, so good Jenny.
    I did tell me wife before we were married. Before there was even talk of marriage, actually. She has given me the space to be who I am since day one. And I, her. She has grown with me in my journey, and has given me the freedom to try different things, and experiment with the many aspects of dressing (It's not all about the clothes with me) and my feminine side. It's her journey too.
    "Samm" Sammara Michaels

    I also speak fluent sarcasm

  3. #3
    Member Genni's Avatar
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    1. Did she remain supportive after the marriage?
    No. Shortly after we married she declared that my dressing "wasn't right" and forbade it. Keep in mind this was over 40 years ago and we married very young - just a week after my high school graduation. I felt guilty about dressing and acquiesced - for a time.

    2. Did she become non-supportive after the marriage?
    Yes. Although she granted some begrudging tolerance on occasion, this was very far from supportive.

    3. Did you end up in a DADT situation?
    Yes. I'm a bit more open about it now, and she very seldom comments on my slightly-on-the-fem-side-of-androgynous jeans, shoes, etc. these days.

  4. #4
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    If you had a supportive girlfriend or fiance BEFORE you married:

    1. Did she remain supportive after the marriage?

    Yes, but it was new for both of us. Feelings were there since I was a young child, but never acted on them, even though I wanted to. I shared this w/my girlfriend/fianc?, who thought it was cute/funny at worst.

    2. Did she become non-supportive after the marriage?

    No...she remained supportive, sympathetic, but she was confused, as I was trying to figure things out, still not acting on it...but venting some frustration and confusion that we both tried to understand. I did research into it, and she was just with me regardless, so I had her back.

    3. Did you end up in a DADT situation?

    No, ironically...she actually thought that maybe I was dressing behind her back (she wouldn't have cared if I had), but I wasn't...hadn't...when I explained this, she totally believed me as there really wasn?t reason for me to be lying. But she knew the desire was strong. She wasn?t really into girly stuff, even though she was/is pretty...its not her thing, so she would often apologize for not being more into being girly or doing girly stuff. She appreciates that I don?t have an expectation of her, but also appreciates that my interest has helped her elevate her own interest in her own beauty. She knows that I know...that dressing up doesn?t make the woman.

    About a 10-12 years into our marriage and after a frustrating, stressful day...I expressed my desire to dress, and she said...

    “Its about time!” Obviously this took me off guard and I was happy...but I was also worried and concerned. We had children, and I knew from reading on here and doing my research that Crossdressing could be and often was a slippery slope when the individual would often never be satisfied and at times would end up going down the path of Transgender, etc. For this reason, I embraced her acceptance, but didn?t act upon it. At some point, she became annoyed and made me and bought me clothes, a wig, etc. Up until that time, I had never really dressed and I was over 30.

    When I finally went along with it, she saw how happy I was and in a way, how relaxed and normal I was. Ever since then she has wanted me to do it more...but I have probably dressed an average of once or maybe a few times a year.

    ***And this comes down to my personal advice.

    I personally think men and crossdressers are often quite self-centered. Thats not to say, we don?t have the right to be happy, only that I think we can easily get out of balance, and I think this can become compulsive and drive to obsessive behavior that really turns off our spouses and I don?t blame them at all. Even though my wife is supportive, I can tell, when my questioning, or advice seeking, or even ?just wanting to talk? becomes annoying to her.

    And thats where in my opinion, we have to know WHEN to apply the brakes. Its like driving on ice...you gotta take it slow....really really slow, and you have to learn to communicate and love, and serve w/out it seeming like you want or need something in return.

    I think a lot of us Crossdressers have pursuer type personalities that want to fix things where a lot of our spouses are withdrawers and just dont want to deal w/it. These two personality types often come to a head on things like sex and I?m sure cross dressing as well.

    I feel blessed to have found a level of balance in my life. I wouldn?t say that I need crossdressing, however, I know that theres an element of it that helps me better understand who I am and deal w/stress. My wife gets this better than I do, and for that reason, we’ve found good place.

    Last thing...I have to be her man as well. And I do whatever I can to drive this home...to be in great shape, to serve her, to care for the children as a dad should (I still mess up, believe me) and when I deliver on those items, I feel much better about being the one who wants to play on the softer side of things.

    Take it slllllloooooow. Make sure your relationship is right...she’ll get you, but it may take a while. good luck to you.
    Last edited by DTelia; 05-07-2020 at 04:52 PM.

  5. #5
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    Since 1, 2 and 3 are kinda overlapping questions, I will address with one statement. My ex was supportive of me as a cross dressing male prior to and during the early years of our marriage. However, I changed. And as the years passed and I grew to identify as a transgender person, her support waned. She tried, but ultimately the same reservations she expressed when I first came out remained more than she could accept. I changed in ways she could not accept.
    Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.

    Eleanor Roosevelt

  6. #6
    Senior Member Jennifer in CO's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jenny22 View Post
    If you had a supportive girlfriend or fiance BEFORE you married:
    1. Did she remain supportive after the marriage?
    2. Did she become non-supportive after the marriage?
    3. Did you end up in a DADT situation?

    Please explain what you can. Your situation may well help others.

    1 - Way past supportive - very in to it. So much that while she wore the dress at our wedding, she made me a wedding dress.
    2 - Three years into our marriage she urged me to grow breasts - and I transitioned for 5 years. We were having a really good time!
    3 - Would you be believe yes? When she went through menopause in reality it was meno-stop. As she lost interest in sex or relations she grew even more intolerant of anything feminine. I haven't seen her in anything but jeans and t shirt or sweat shirt in years.

  7. #7
    Senior Member GretchenM's Avatar
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    Good questions Jenny. I will respond with a single answer that covers all 3 questions.

    I did not reveal this aspect before marriage because I thought it was gone and I hadn't seen hide nor hair of the desire for years. It came back after about 10 years of marriage, but that was 40 years ago and in a different time. It was kept very private. It went away again for a shorter time and then came back and I went through that cycle a few times until 2012 when it hit with such force I had to come out. There was tolerance at first but no real acceptance or support. Then it became very neutral and now it is not to be spoken of, in her opinion. I am now in another lull, but for other reasons that involve the effects of prostate cancer treatment - screwed up hormones. But it is definitely a more intense DADT situation now; much more kept personal and private. So, my situation does not really fit the questions, but I believe the questions can actually be applied in various ways to anybody who is involved in a personal relationship and also exhibits the multitude of traits and characteristics of a gender variant person.

    I think the responses so far are great and it certainly shows how revealing early rather than late can, but not necessarily, help with a supportive environment after marriage whereas revealing later often goes sideways. And I think DTelia's personal advice explains some of why that happens. Great advice and excellent observations that should be taken to heart. Thanks DTelia for your honest perspective.

  8. #8
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    DTelia; "It's like driving on ice...you gotta take it slow...really really slow.."

    I had to chuckle to myself when I read that line. Decades ago when I was going past a frozen lake off Rte 6 in upstate New York I saw a bright red car which had cracked through some thin ice. The rear end of the car was submerged and eventually it slid under. The frozen lake had been used to teach drivers how to drive on ice. It did not owrk out well for at least one person.

    Anyway, I digressed. Although I had not desire to don any femme clothing before my marriage to a very lovely and sexy young woman, the desire did surface later. I had dabbled in my mother's lingerie/undergarments many years before. I thought I was a freak when I did it. Lots of self loathing. Very confusing. Anyway, I had donned one of my wife's nightgowns one night when she was asleep because I loved the nylon fabric. She walked in on me in the kitchen and asked why I was wearing it. We ended up shopping for my own nightgowns and some hosiery. I suppose my wife thought it was just a little "kink" or something to add spice in the bedroom. Later, when my sole bra was yanked from my armoire by our toddler daughter she realized there was more to my "kink" than she was willing to accept. A total shutdown ensued. Deep DADT since 1983.

    What disturbs me about initial acceptance before marriage and then disapproval is the woman went into the relationship with up front knowledge. I get the sense like other situations is a person figures he or she has this one quirk I can change later. Then the s%@t hits the fan. Sad.

  9. #9
    Senior Member April Rose's Avatar
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    I don't really think it works in a simple linear way. My wife has been all over the map through the years, and it seems to have more to do with her personal mental and physical health than anything else.
    I am a vessel of the goddess. Let me express my calling to a feminine life through nurturing love and relatedness.

  10. #10
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    DTelia, in 12 years on this forum you've only posted 95 times. I've not read them all, but I'd venture to say that this one has to be the best one or one of the best. It's the kind that may really help a sister in need.

  11. #11
    Platinum Member alwayshave's Avatar
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    1. Did she remain supportive after the marriage? Yes.
    2. Did she become non-supportive after the marriage? No.
    3. Did you end up in a DADT situation? No.
    Please call me Jamie, I always_have crossdressed, I always will, "alwayshave".

  12. #12
    Silver Member NancySue's Avatar
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    1. Yes
    2. No
    3. No
    Looking back, telling her before the vows was the toughest but best thing I/we ever did.

  13. #13
    Senior Member mbmeen12's Avatar
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    1. Did she remain supportive after the relationship evolved? Yes and she also endorsed and allowed me start HRT.
    2. Did she become non-supportive after the relationship/marriage? No (see question#1).
    3. Did you end up in a DADT situation? No (see question#1).

    Similar questions have been posted and I've answered accordingly so to assist this forum question this is my contribution. I was totally upfront because it vitally important to her knowing what she was getting into but it is just as important to me and my sanity.
    Escapism isn't necessarily bad, but is definitely unhealthy in the long term. While helpful in the short term, things will degrade over time. At some point, the escapee will have to face the issue. Things simply blowing over isn't really going to happen in many situations.

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