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Thread: I Am

  1. #1
    Junior Member MichelleR276's Avatar
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    I Am

    I am.

    Trapped in a world I in which I feel I don't belong.

    Playing all the parts that everyone needs me to play.

    Provider. Leader. Husband. Friend. Colleague. Human.

    Observing people and wondering where I belong.

    They all seem to know where they belong.

    I do not.

    Do they see me?

    They do not. If they did, they would look away.

    Yet, there is a light.

    I can see it. Sometimes I can feel it.

    It's beautiful.

    It's a part me of me.

    A part that that can't be shared with anyone.

    They cannot understand. And choose not to.

    They are scared.

    Afraid of what they don't understand.

    That is the world I live in.

    My joy is equal to the depth of their disgust.

    Yet I seek a path through what feels impossible.

    No one wants to know how this feels.

    I don't like how this feels.
    Last edited by MichelleR276; 04-05-2020 at 06:28 PM.

  2. #2
    Aspiring Member Kelli_cd's Avatar
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    I know I can relate to this. Thank you for your wonderful words.

  3. #3
    Female Illusionist! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    Countless of us have been where u r, Michelle.

    And, the good news is many of us have moved on to both explore and accept themselves. I know. I'm one!

    Hopefully, you'll get there one day, too!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  4. #4
    Silver Member NancySue's Avatar
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    How well said. Beautiful. I am sure anyone who reads your thoughtful, insightful words can relate. For me, not understanding the why?s of my needs to dress is the most perplexing. Life goes on. I accept it for what it is.

  5. #5
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    I can definitely relate. This line struck me:

    They all seem to know where they belong.
    The problem is when *they* also purport to know where *I* belong. And that drives us into the shadows.

    I've now come out to everyone that I need to come out to. And I couldn't give a hoot if where I think I belong differs from where THEY think I belong. It's liberating but there have also been some losses. Big losses.

    That said, of those who think they know where they belong, there's a good number of them who are like us and put up an image of showing they know where they belong. Not just us trans folk, but also gays, bisexuals, etc.

  6. #6
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
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    I can sure empathize and relate to all of what you wrote, I am single with no mate, SO, or kids, though. I am a highly sensitive, also. I feel so different than other normal males, more like a lady inside a big tall man's shell. I cannot be real, and have to pretend so much of the time. However, i am a male,and also have the male side of me, which likes sports, fishing, working on the truck, etc. I do not like most male behavior, but live as blue collar outdoorsy guy, but sensitive, and no chance to have a beautiful wife, so i become her occasionally, escaping the straitjacket and prison of being an unwanted , rejected, low income loner man/ I have never fit in well anywhere, and at age 66, still do not seem to belong. like the mach men, and "normal" men.

  7. #7
    Junior Member MichelleR276's Avatar
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    The irony with what I am feeling lately is that the world around me will never see (or understand) the beauty within me (us). I can barely understand myself, so I should not be judging the world around me. However, there are just some days it feels like everyone wants to step on the pretty flowers in the garden. I just happen to be one of those flowers.

  8. #8
    🙊🙈🙉 Patience's Avatar
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    Well, ok then.
    When haters hate, I celebrate!

  9. #9
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    Michelle,
    If it's any consolation , they can understand and they do see what's within . Getting to understand yourself is the important point , once you do that you can step out into the RW with confidence . I found the RW isn't such a bad place , we just have to stop thinking it is .

  10. #10
    Connie Connie D50's Avatar
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    Thank you Michelle I couldn't say it any better.

  11. #11
    New Member Elaina's Avatar
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    Beautiful poem! I thought that the line "my joy is equal to the depth of their disgust" to be very insightful. It is almost as if it speaks of our feminine nature bringing balance to a world of conceptions and conventions that attempt to distort the beauty of that nature. At least, that's how it reads for me.

    Thank you for sharing your wonderful words with us.

  12. #12
    Silver Member Sandi Beech's Avatar
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    Hi Michelle. Very interesting self reflection. I think a lot of us can relate for sure. I personally found a lot of joy by going out to bars and clubs dressed up, but like you I can not share any of it with the people in my daily life. It can be a struggle at times. Still, the joy I get keeps me going. Thanks for the post.

    Sandi

  13. #13
    Senior Member GretchenM's Avatar
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    A beautiful, insightful statement of one of the aspects of being different. Not only for people like us but anyone who has a different view of life and sees things in a way that does not always fit the expectations and stereotypes set by the masses who mold themselves into a body of social consciousness. The problem, of course, is the rigidity that results from stereotypical thinking which tends to be a lazy approach where those who follow let the group do their thinking.

    The fact that you are male or female seems to set your destiny. But why should your genitals define who you can be? That is pretty crazy. Those stereotypes even extend so far as to contend that your sex determines what kind of brain you have, male or female. Not so. There really is no such thing as a male or female brain - there are just brains. And how they are configured is nearly all determined by the collection of experiences you have. But what about genetics? Genetics provided the instructions for building a brain with its hundreds of individual sections all connected which appears to be set into a pattern that parallels the person's sex. It does not. Rigidity is created by a decision to comply with the generalized expectations and thereby confining the ability of the brain to adapt to a wider range of your life experiences and create an identity that is much broader than some others.

    All behavior has at least its toes anchored in genetics but in the case of the brain the other thing genetics provided was a brain that exhibits plasticity so it can constantly rewire itself to do or be pretty much whatever it can do or be, within a genetically determined limit of intelligence. Your sex is set 100% by genetics, but your brain is set maybe 5% by genetics and gifted with maybe 95% flexibility that allows it to adapt to whatever it encounters in your environment by intentionally rewiring its connectivity. Neuroscience has shown this is true. So, why confine yourself to the expectations of your sex? That is just reproduction and it does not define you.

    Your brain defines you and it is like Silly Putty in that it can take on and mold itself to whatever is necessary, within some quite vague limits. Most people have chosen to follow a false narrative that your sex defines you. It only defines your role in reproduction. Permitting brain plasticity to work its magic can open doors to finding compromise positions where the real person in you can come out and exist in a world that believes in a fabrication that not only revolves around sex but is defined by sex. The decision to allow sex to define the person confines and limits the plasticity. All society really has to do is accept that we are all different and to abandon the stereotypes that breed discrimination, prejudice, and injustice for those who live outside the boundaries set by those stereotypes and accept that because everyone is different everyone is therefore equal. In doing that everyone's brain plasticity will be freed from the limits set by accepting the sex-defines-you BS.

    For thousands of years we have followed the sex defines you narrative, thinking that was right. It seemed right because brain plasticity allowed it to be accepted, but in the process it confined who we can be by allowing the plasticity to be free and find its own limits. Most people will follow the traditional road because their brain allows them to take that path, but that does not make that path The Law. It is only one path out of as many potential paths as there are people, or, rather, brains. Like Kermit says, "It is hard to be green," but we all have different experiences and we all have brains that adapt to our experiences and as a result some of us become green. Others are other colors. Brain plasticity creates a colorful world when it is allowed to freely act. And acceptance of diversity by the masses allows that colorful world to remain colorful.
    Last edited by GretchenM; 05-22-2020 at 08:01 AM.

  14. #14
    Member jennifer1958's Avatar
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    Well said.

    Jennifer

  15. #15
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    Beaitifully said. Thank you for sharing some of yourself with us. Most of us can relate

  16. #16
    Aspiring Member Joyce Swindell's Avatar
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    The title "I Am" is what caught my eye. This is also the title of my most favorite singer/songwriters Denise Rosier. She wrote it and performs it. I've had the good fortune to sing on stage with her at church.

    If you seek it out she has much more gospel that is quite meaningful.

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