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Thread: I should be happy with this good news.

  1. #1
    Aspiring Member DeniseNJ's Avatar
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    I should be happy with this good news.

    I had my labs after being on HRT for one week. I get a call yesterday stating everything looks good and to continue the course and stay on the HRT as prescribed. In two months they'll draw more blood and test my levels to make sure following suit. For some reason I don't know do I really want to become a woman. Oh I like dressing , I like being too pretty and I like all things feminine but live my life everyday as a female. That is a question I have to wrestle with. Dazed and confused. Tomorrow is my birthday and I just feel a little bummed I'll be 62 and I'm saying is it worth it..

  2. #2
    Aspiring Member Maid_Marion's Avatar
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    Happy Birthday Denise!

    I think everyone has doubts. There is a lot of uncertainty in the world today. We can only do what we think is best for us.

    Marion

  3. #3
    Gold Member bridget thronton's Avatar
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    Happy birthday

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Denise,
    The bottom line is live your life as happily as you can , how important is your presentation to achieve that ? If it means appearing as a woman for all or the majority of the time try not to see it as a problem . I sense you are now beginning to find a balance , the hardest part is getting the people around you onboard , that does take time , it's taken me about the last two years with close family .

    Have a great birthday .
    The real me ,no going back.

  5. #5
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    Happy Birthday Denise!
    Give yourself time to steep in the HRT, and after some period then decide if you want to move forward or perhaps HRT is not for you.
    Best wishes!
    Michele

  6. #6
    happy to be her Sarah Charles's Avatar
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    Happy Birthday Denise!

    I've always been of the opinion that we each have a unique combination of responses to dysphoria that will work for us as individuals. I've been pretty darn methodical and worked through as many as I could before settling on hormones at age 69, and even then saw my followup visits to the doctor as a moment where I could back out if it seemed to be the best choice for me. A critical factor in my choice to continue was how my mind settled down. Consider what issues you hoped to resolve with this step and see if hormones are helping or not. They may not be, it's possible. I would hope you have been seeing a counselor and this is a good time for them to earn their pay as they help you think through your challenges. Best of luck. Stay safe and healthy.
    Sarah
    Being transgender isn't a lifestyle choice. How you deal with it is.
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  7. #7
    Silver Member Micki_Finn's Avatar
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    Are you taking any kind of counseling or therapy along with your HRT?

  8. #8
    MtF Transgender
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    Therapy is an absolute must for this journey.

    I also have my doubts for various reasons but my trans daughter says I'm overthinking it. Am I happier living as a woman? Then live as a woman. Am I happier living as a man? Then live as a man.

    I know I've been profoundly unhappy living as a man. Now the trick is to see if I sufficiently happier as a woman to go through the trouble of losing my wife, my home, etc. Actually I'm already in the process of losing those and the soo-to-be-ex says there's no going back, she's not putting up with my angst anymore. So now the "real life test" starts. It had been on hold for confinement. Laser too, and I'm extremely self-conscious about my beard shadow and the excessive makeup I need to cover it. Then I discovered that the pandemic offers the perfect solution: when I go out as a woman, I wear a face mask. I have a feeling we'll be wearing them for quite some time. That will cover me until laser catches up. I can probably justify a face mask until a vaccine comes out since I'm diabetic, though well controlled with oral meds only and extreme exercise and weight control.

    There's no real solution other than being followed by a therapist and actually living and going out as a woman to build self-confidence. HRT alone won't do it.

    Oh and happy birthday! I'll be the same age as you next month, and ironically today is my late mother's birthday (she'd be 102 if alive). I wonder what she'd think if she saw me dressed up? She always made it plain she'd have preferred having a girl...
    Last edited by JeanTG; 05-17-2020 at 06:58 PM.

  9. #9
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    I think you are at a common crossroads. Likely everyone goes through episodes of euphoria, followed by doubt, second guessing. It seems like a big next step.

    But at this point, you have more options than you might realize. HRT is a significant step, for sure, but its not irreversible. If you like its physiological effects, however these are manifest, or you feel some benefit mentally over time, that is great. If not...discontinue them. You are miles away from confronting irreversible changes.

    The same is true with how you choose to present yourself. If you enjoy living 24/7 as a woman, then by all means do. But its ok if you opt for something else. If you are comfortable living as a woman, socially, in most or all life situations, that is great. You might elect to adopt that lifestyle even if you decide against continuing HRT or other more invasive options.

    Best thing to do is relax, experience and enjoy. Stay healthy!

    Easy come, easy go;
    Easy left me long ago...

  10. #10
    Member Dorit's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DeniseNJ View Post
    For some reason I don't know do I really want to become a woman. Oh I like dressing , I like being too pretty and I like all things feminine but live my life everyday as a female. That is a question I have to wrestle with. Dazed and confused. Tomorrow is my birthday and I just feel a little bummed I'll be 62 and I'm saying is it worth it..
    Happy birthday Denise! From my perspective 62 is young to transition!

    I can only share my experience, but it might help. Like others I feel that a professional gender therapist would be essential, particularity because you have doubts. Transition is a very serious, often painful thing to do. A therapist can help you find out if your doubts are because your dysphoria is not that severe or you doubts simply come from fear and self negativity about being transsexual.

    I from my earliest childhood wanted to outwardly be a woman. I had no doubt about this powerful feeling all my life. It almost killed me. My fear was firmly established in that I was doing something awful and shameful and if others found out they would hate me like I hated myself for it. As soon as the world changed its attitude about people like me and I did too it was fast forward.

  11. #11
    Aspiring Member DeniseNJ's Avatar
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    I must admit it does feel good that other people have the same thoughts that I do. Yes a few of my friends know about me dressing ,at times I do get compliments , sometimes I say I'm just nuts.. I lost my wife but hey it was toxic from day one. I did come to divorce settlement and I'm giving her the nice house. Yes although I crossdress most my life I was mostly closeted until I went out a few times and enjoyed it. I enjoy all things feminine, have my nails done, pedicures enjoy makeup it just feels right at times. Then at times I say is it really worth it all to go through the trauma of losing everything. Yeah do I wish I had been born female,sure. But even CIS women find it hard to maintain their beauty and looks as they get older. Yes I'm not being superficial here but as most women we want to look the best we can. I don't know where I will be one year from now. I'd love to find another trans female to be friends with and share life's experiences. I don't see a therapist on a weekly basis but I think I should seek one out. I appreciate the genuine concern that I hear in here. In the endb what I will see if I go forward.. all I know I'm getting out of New Jersey and find a place that might accept French women more openly. Sewing clothes and thanks for the birthday wishes and your genuine concerns.

  12. #12
    Little Mrs. Snarky! Nadine Spirit's Avatar
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    I had my doubts, which is why it took me until I was 45 to try and change my hormones. Even then I only did it because I had a panic attack when a doctor I convinced to put me on Finesteride decided to take me off of it. Through my tears and sobbing I finally understood a couple of things. One - I needed to find an experienced gender therapist and two - I needed to at least try hormone therapy.

    Once I tried it, I knew that I would never go back to operating on testosterone. I did not decided though to actually socially transition. In fact my "dressing" really slowed during that time. However, my understanding of self grew tremendously. Mostly that was due to a variety of life events that occurred and lots of therapy. I ended up legally and socially transitioning a year after I changed my hormones.

    Did I have doubts? The entire time. They continued unabated. They continue til this day. However, it was just a few weeks ago that for some reason my brain finally dredged up memories of me around 6, 7, or 8ish years old. I now can recall being that young and crying over my body. It is only now, about 3 years on hormone therapy that I can actually remember that I hoped that puberty would change my body into a traditional female one.

    Obviously that did not happen and instead I began trying to do what I thought I was supposed to - understand this body indicated my gender and I should stop with all of that foolish dream like stuff and just get on with the work that needed to be done. I refer to it as the Men in Black thing of "neuralyzing" myself. I have only finally been able to recall these memories through lots of introspection and therapy.

    So, do I still have doubts? Yes. However I frequently think of something I have said to my therapist often..... I never wanted to grow up to be a trans woman. That is a loaded statement in itself. My therapists response - is it better to be a trans woman than to continue pretending to be a man? Answer - YES!

    Get a gender specialist therapist.

  13. #13
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Denise,
    Do CIS women all struggle to maintain their looks as they get older ? Maybe I should ask this question in the right section for GGs .

    It might be better to relate a conversation I had with a widowed sitxtyish GG while walking our dogs , we got onto the subject of makeup , I told her I prefer to wear it all the time , she replied with a chuckle , " If I started to wear makeup now my sons would think I'm looking for a new man !" She obviously connects makeup with attraction .

    Out of all the women I walk the dogs with only one elderly lady wears makeup . In my painting group the odd one or two GGs wear a touch of lipstick and occasionally eyeliner and light foundation , the majority wear none at all . I've heard the comment from more than one GG that their husbands don't like them wearing it .

    I still feel I can't go out without wearing any but I had to learn how little to apply . Two points arise from this , I realised after a while people see it as your identity , if I stopped wearing it now they would possibly comment more . The other point I have noticed is especially at my painting group more have started to apply a touch of makeup , that raises the follow on question of what induces them to start wearing it again ? There is no reason why they could see me as a threat , is it more to do with competition or are they feeling a little guilty that they've given up on makeup ?

    I guess the point I'm making is you list all the things you do to enjoy being female but also suggest it maybe difficult to maintain it , I appreciate part of that is associated with the difficult time you're having with your wife , she is still restricting your lifestyle so it's proving difficult to find your identity . Maybe you need to take a step back and let the separation/divorce happen first , get your new home sorted and then think about where your want to be with transition . I will admit I found that time very hard to deal with , I knew what I wanted to do but I had to wait until I was free in my own home , it was only then I found a balance and settled on my identity .
    Last edited by Teresa; 05-18-2020 at 09:44 AM.
    The real me ,no going back.

  14. #14
    Gold Member Lana Mae's Avatar
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    Sounds to me as if someone needs to make up their mind! I know that it is a hard decision to make! I am 68 and will be 69 in June! I will continue on my journey until the day I die! Lana Mae was born on June 2015 so I was what 64-65! For me there was no other way to go! And yes, I still question my decision but know it was the right one! Best wishes on your journey!!! Hugs Lana Mae
    Life is worth living!
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  15. #15
    MtF Transgender
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    Quote Originally Posted by DeniseNJ View Post
    all I know I'm getting out of New Jersey and find a place that might accept French women more openly.
    Are you French? I am francophone (actually fluently bilingual) living in Quebec about 100 km from Montreal. I am actually of Acadian descent. Montreal has to be one of the most trans-friendly places around. Good support groups, great shopping opportunities, very open-minded city. Even if when I don't pass all that well, I've never had problems other than the occasional mis-gendering.

    Anyway I hope you find your peace. I also have lots of doubts (I'd probably have fewer doubts if I had HAIR on my head and NONE on my face). But I can echo Nadine: never would I consider going back to being fueled by testosterone. HRT, in only three short months, has been life altering. In a very good way, both mentally and physically.

    I happen to have a trans daughter (born a boy). When I talked to her about my angst and wanting to second guess myself and analyze more she said "you're overthinking this: if you're happier living as a woman. live as a woman. If you're happier living as a man, live as a man".

  16. #16
    Gold Member bridget thronton's Avatar
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    You have a wise daughter Jean

  17. #17
    Aspiring Member DeniseNJ's Avatar
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    Voice recognition didn't get it right no I'm not French I'm Italian and Czechoslovakian.. and like you I want to get a rid of the hair on my face but the hair on my head will not grow if it's not there. I like to drag race and the heart of me take my helmet off and my wig coming with it will it be all that happy for me. I rode motorcycles all my life and I just sold one 3 years ago I want another. Many scenarios go through my mind. I want to be happy and enjoy life or what's left of it

  18. #18
    Silver Member Devi SM's Avatar
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    Denise, we can't be sure about hrt because is an uncertain road for everybody. Nobody can guarantee you the changes so if for that would be, nobody would do it.
    I'd said several times that at week eight I suffered a panic attack. The changes were being more visible and I didn't know how bigger my boobs would be. I stop from hrt but just one week after I start again. Today I'm B cup and impossible to hide, I'm pride of them, may be I would go for more....
    After that, everything has been easier in that area, about my own mind but now, it's just after 5 am, I wake up to pee around 3.30 am and I still not being able to go back to sleep, why? I have the date for my orchiectomy, May 28th, so thinking about it.
    So I looked back, so far two years on Spiro, urologist told me that I'm technically castrated so orchi will keep me in that way but no more medicines for that, so it's the right thing for me, I know, but I'm sure the same night before if surgery I will be in the same way as now.
    If you read the stories of many that did SRS (sex reassignment surgery) will see the same reaction, scared to death before surgery but after, a new life, a new horizon, a new dawn.
    It's OK to look back and see the good things you have being a male but how do you feel better, being a male or female?
    I left my country being 40 years old and I would never come back to live there, I love some of their foods, some places and people but it doesn't mean I don't love this my country now. I can't deny i was born a Chilean man, but Iat age 58 ibgot into hrt and now I love being an American girl....
    Mho

    Devi
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  19. #19
    MtF Transgender
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    Quote Originally Posted by DeniseNJ View Post
    I rode motorcycles all my life and I just sold one 3 years ago I want another. Many scenarios go through my mind. I want to be happy and enjoy life or what's left of it
    For me it was aviation. I owned 4 different aircraft over the course of 35 years of flying. Even two at once at one time. Yikes that was a recipe for financial disaster! I gave it up in 2015 after retiring. I could no longer afford to fly often enough to feel current when I did fly. It was a common-sense decision I don't regret for a minute. I've always been an avid cyclist but since selling the plane that's intensified. I've been suffering a lot from being confined with a hostile (and I do mean hostile) spouse. The cycling has been a life saver. It's hilly around here, some pretty big hills too (up to 20%) and that really helps burn off frustration. Between that and the HRT I'm managing to survive. The HRT does seem to have affected my endurance somewhat. Whereas I used to consider 50 miles a piece of cake, 60 miles doable, and 100 miles a challenge I was up to, now, 45 miles is comfortable, 60 miles would be a big challenge and 100 miles I can probably forget about. So shorter but more frequent rides is the order of the day. It's also helping to keep my BMI and diabetes in range for future surgery.

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