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Thread: I've Caught It and Now What Do I Do With It?

  1. #1
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    I've Caught It and Now What Do I Do With It?

    I have long flirted with the idea of transitioning. I've read a lot and tried to think through the process and what I'm getting myself into. I thought my biggest hindrance would be my significant other, soon to be my wife, would not approve. Recently she told me that perhaps I should think about going through with it. She said that she did not mind me being her wife. She even suggested I start hormone therapy and try it out. I told her the only thing that stopped me was that I did not want to lose my ability to have sex with her and deprive her of that benefit. But now that she has given me permission I feel like I'm at the top of the roller coaster. I want to go over the edge but I'm so scared. I woulld love to live my life as a woman but the thoughts of the implications of that petrify me. Do y?all have any advice on how to sort my feelings out?

  2. #2
    Isn't Life Grand? AllieSF's Avatar
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    Therapy with a qualified Trans experienced person! If you are not sure about this very major step in your life where so many things will change for the better and the not so better, plus you are talking about getting married before transiting completely,then you definitely need to get that kind of help. I would also make sure that your soon to be wife attends a few of your sessions. deal with it not, not further down the road. It is easier now and collateral damage now should be much less than in the future. I do wish you the best of luck.

  3. #3
    Gold Member Lana Mae's Avatar
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    What Allie said! Therapy will help and both should probably attend! Best wishes! Hugs Lana Mae
    Life is worth living!
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  4. #4
    Little Mrs. Snarky! Nadine Spirit's Avatar
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    Yup, therapy!

    Other than that, stop being afraid of what you might lose in sex and try and imagine instead what you might gain out of life. I didn't go into this knowing for a fact that I would transition, but I found myself along the way and my previous fears suddenly became irrelevant.

    Oh and yes, you can in fact just try and change your hormones and see how it feels. It will not magically zap you in anyway, you will have time to evaluate if it is indeed right for you or not.

    Good luck!

  5. #5
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    I started and recently stopped transition. I was on the fence all my life too, finally took the plunge. From my personal perspective, if one is ambivalent, one is probably not trans. Transition is not something to trifle with, you need to be really serious and it has to be for yourself only, not for others. Ambivalence probably makes one a poor choice for transition. Someone truly trans is willing to give up almost everything so that their body becomes congruent with their gender.

    In my case I just realized it wasn't for me. I did not feel like a woman, I felt like a man who liked to present as a woman, and the HRT removed even that urge. It took a switch in therapists for one who actually analyzed to see it clearly. My old therapist simply validated my feelings. She recently called me for news and I told her I had stopped transitioning, and was reverting to male mode. She said "I never thought you were a good candidate for surgery". Well gee thanks for telling me now after I ruined my marriage. Attempting transition has actually been the very worst experience of all my life. I hit rock bottom when I realized I wasn't trans. I felt like the emperor with no clothes. Came out to my friends, my family... it's harder to back-pedal than to come out let me tell you.

    The good news from this is that I now know for sure I'm not trans. So from that perspective, maybe trying HRT for a while will help clear your mind about whether transition is right for you. At least it's somewhat reversible. In my case, it caused me to lose all interest in dressing and transitioning. True trans women, caught in the wrong body, do not lose their desire to transition when on HRT.

    And yes therapy is a must, but you need to find someone brutally honest that doesn't just rubber-stamp your feelings.

  6. #6
    Member Robin-in-TX's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JeanTG View Post
    I started and recently stopped transition. I was on the fence all my life too, finally took the plunge. From my personal perspective, if one is ambivalent, one is probably not trans. Transition is not something to trifle with, you need to be really serious and it has to be for yourself only, not for others. Ambivalence probably makes one a poor choice for transition. Someone truly trans is willing to give up almost everything so that their body becomes congruent with their gender.

    In my case I just realized it wasn't for me. I did not feel like a woman, I felt like a man who liked to present as a woman, and the HRT removed even that urge. It took a switch in therapists for one who actually analyzed to see it clearly. My old therapist simply validated my feelings. She recently called me for news and I told her I had stopped transitioning, and was reverting to male mode. She said "I never thought you were a good candidate for surgery". Well gee thanks for telling me now after I ruined my marriage. Attempting transition has actually been the very worst experience of all my life. I hit rock bottom when I realized I wasn't trans. I felt like the emperor with no clothes. Came out to my friends, my family... it's harder to back-pedal than to come out let me tell you.

    The good news from this is that I now know for sure I'm not trans. So from that perspective, maybe trying HRT for a while will help clear your mind about whether transition is right for you. At least it's somewhat reversible. In my case, it caused me to lose all interest in dressing and transitioning. True trans women, caught in the wrong body, do not lose their desire to transition when on HRT.

    And yes therapy is a must, but you need to find someone brutally honest that doesn't just rubber-stamp your feelings.
    Jean,

    How long were you on HRT and how long did it take you to stop your transition? Has it all physically reversed for you and how long did that take? It would really be helpful to know how well and to what extent stopping HRT restores one to his male self.

    Thank you.

    Robin

    Robin
    I'm just trying to find a decent melody
    A song that I can sing in my own company

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  7. #7
    Member Dorit's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by southerngirl View Post
    She even suggested I start hormone therapy and try it out.
    Before I started HRT I was asked by my endocrinologist if I wanted to freeze sperm. Are you aware that "trying" hormone therapy can make you sterile?

  8. #8
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    SouthernGirl,
    I'm going to agree with everyone in suggesting counselling before taking any further steps . You don't say how you present yourself at the moment but to consider living life as a woman you need to to be totally comfortable with being out presenting as a woman . For me it's the only way in finding a balance with your feelings and needs and it also gives your partner a chance to come to terms with it . She appears to be supportive at the moment and it also appears you are relying on her for support and encouragement , perhaps you should consider how you would feel without that , going it alone is hard . Jean makes a very good point about dealing with the truth , transition wasn't for her and she was honest with herself , no harm in accepting social transition is all you need to live a happy and comfortable life . Hormones do not solve all your problems , they might help you to resolve issues but they also could unsettle the balance you have , everyone reacts differently .
    The real me ,no going back.

  9. #9
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    Robin: I've been 3-1/2 months on HRT. I stopped transition back on May 16th when I had a meltdown. It was when I realized, after some weeks of work with my new therapist that I was not, in fact, transgender. Yes I have some dysphoria, and I will probably always feel the pull of presenting female at least part of the time, but I am not a candidate for full transition, nor do I desire to live full-time.

    My last Estradot patch goes on, on Monday. It will carry my to Thursday, ironically, my birthday. Then I will stop HRT altogether. The following week, I am hoping to check into a monastery for 1-3 months, just waiting for the green light from the abbot due to the fact they are still in confinement (their average age is over 70...). I feel that quitting HRT in that environment will make it easier to cope. I have no idea how quickly, if at all, I will return to my old self. We'll see. I'm in no big hurry given the hostile context I currently live in. Not having sexual frustration on top of that is actually helpful.

    I'm open to low-dose HRT if it helps me cope better with the degree of dysphoria that I do have. But first I will quit and see how that works out.

    I will keep you posted.

  10. #10
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    Medical transition (HRT, surgery, etc.) is not something to "try out". Many of the changes are permanent. They all carry at least some health risk. If you need to do it though, there's no substitute. Find out if this is what you need.
    "Being honest may not get you a lot of friends, but it will always get you the right ones."
    -- John Lennon

    https://groups.io/g/gno-houston

  11. #11
    Member Robin-in-TX's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Teresa View Post
    SouthernGirl,
    You don't say how you present yourself at the moment but to consider living life as a woman you need to to be totally comfortable with being out presenting as a woman.
    Teresa,

    I cannot agree with this statement. This is not true in my case. I've been on HRT since the start of the year, but do not present at all as female. It does not make me less trans. I'm just not positioned currently to make those changes. I will eventually. The changes to my mood, loosing the body hair (that I always loathed), the smoothness of my skin and the development of my breasts are all steps on the road. Being comfortable presenting as female was and is not a starting point for me and should not be a litmus test for trans women.
    I'm just trying to find a decent melody
    A song that I can sing in my own company

    U2

  12. #12
    Member Becoming Brianna's Avatar
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    Brookes4242 is correct. Being trans is a question of IDENTITY not of PRESENTATION. Thinking otherwise makes us fall into the cis normative trap of being "socially acceptable" to "prove" our identity as women. It's not a requirement to be trans. I definitely agree that therapy is a good idea. I strongly advise undertaking such an important and fundamental step of transition as HRT without first thoroughly consulting qualified medical professionals and enlisting their assistance and guidance. I'm wrestling with the HRT question myself and present female full time but how you present and the hormones in your body are not the determining factors of whether or not you are a woman. That is solely a question of identity. HRT and presentation only signify that identity to others but they do not determine your identity. Only you can do that; and once you have, preferably with the help of a qualified therapist, only you can decide what to do about it.

  13. #13
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Brookes/Brianna,
    I'm not sure if it's still the case but in the UK especially if you go the NHS route they expected one to two years of presenting as a woman before they considered the next step .

    It wasn't said in the context of being trans or not but I felt in SouternGirl's situation with the wife that being the motivation she may need to become comfortable with presenting female before considering any further steps .

    Brianna,
    The only way I've managed to build my identity is being out in the RW , I didn't know what worked and what didn't , it's a matter of experiencing it , it's important we are socially accepted , they really aren't bothered if I'm trans or not . I just accept I am and don't make a big issue of it , it's part of my life but it's not going to dominate it .

    Brookes,
    Surely the bottom line is finding a balance to give you a life that works for you . OK I may have to put up with certain things that may get resolved with hormones , I'm also aware of the side effects and problems hormones could induce . This is why I'm totally happy to accept my situation because I don't feel my life would change that much on a daily basis .

    Some people can't afford to take the hormones route , does that make them less trans ? Does it stop them going out in the RW presenting comfortably as a woman ? I hope not .
    Last edited by Teresa; 06-07-2020 at 08:04 AM.
    The real me ,no going back.

  14. #14
    Call me Pam pamela7's Avatar
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    FYI I'm on nearly 3 years of estradiol and 2.5 of anti-androgen HRT, and it has made all the difference, and I've been 24/7 female clothing & presentation since 5 years, and I'm still in the UK queue for GRS.

    We are all unique. Some folks need a brutally honest and challenging therapist, but others have had so much challenge, they do need mostly affirmation and support. There is no single magic unicorn of a therapist or a route to transitioning.

    If I were to analyse your words, which is all I have to go on:

    1. "have long flirted with the idea of transitioning" - for me, it was not flirting with but a deep need, based upon about 9 months of intense self-enquiry to dig round the unconscious.

    2. there are no hindrances if it is the self-actualising need.

    3. therapy for sure to deal with the "petrified" - for me, there was no fear of the consequences, only initial social fears of safety when going out, and those dissolved by ... being out and about to all.

    xxx
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    I used to believe this, now I'm in the company of many tiggers. A tigger does not wonder why she is a tigger, she just is a tigger.

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  15. #15
    Member Robin-in-TX's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Teresa View Post

    Brookes,
    Surely the bottom line is finding a balance to give you a life that works for you . OK I may have to put up with certain things that may get resolved with hormones , I'm also aware of the side effects and problems hormones could induce . This is why I'm totally happy to accept my situation because I don't feel my life would change that much on a daily basis .

    Some people can't afford to take the hormones route , does that make them less trans ? Does it stop them going out in the RW presenting comfortably as a woman ? I hope not .
    Teresa,

    I am Robin, Brookes was a screen name from years ago that I cannot change. I think you have missed it here. My point is that being trans and transitioning is different for everyone. You can publicly present female and not start HRT or start HRT or some combination or something completely different. Your earlier suggestion was that you had to present publicly female before beginning HRT. It may be true in the UK because it is the gateway to have access to HRT, but it is not a "truth."

    Robin
    I'm just trying to find a decent melody
    A song that I can sing in my own company

    U2

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    Quote Originally Posted by pamela7 View Post
    FYI I'm on nearly 3 years of estradiol and 2.5 of anti-androgen HRT, and it has made all the difference, and I've been 24/7 female clothing & presentation since 5 years, and I'm still in the UK queue for GRS.

    We are all unique. Some folks need a brutally honest and challenging therapist, but others have had so much challenge, they do need mostly affirmation and support. There is no single magic unicorn of a therapist or a route to transitioning.
    I was the kind that needed brutally honest. My first therapist was the "affirmation and support kind" but that proved a disaster. My second one was, if not "brutally" honest, was at least clear and honest.

    Here's the kicker, last week my previous therapist called me for news. When I told her I quit transition and why, she said "I wasn't convinced that transition was right for you". I wish I'd heard it brutally and honestly before starting! I might still have a salvageable marriage. I was incensed when she told me that.

    The good side of trying though, in spite of the damage it has done, is now I know for sure it isn't for me.

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