Being different

[Jean 103]

So it was a thing I did for me. It was part of me looking for answers.

Is this me or will it go away once I have had enough?

Is it possible and how much trouble is it to be full time?

How do I want to spend the rest of my life?

Do I actually want to be a woman?

Talking about it isn't going to do it for me. It may work for others.

These are words I recently wrote and sent to Chrissy as part of this on going conversation we are having. I was telling her how I made a pack with myself to dress every day complete with makeup for a year. It was about four years ago. She suggested I start a thread.

I came to this late in life. I went looking for the answers. It has been quite the journey or quest.

The signs were there I just didn't put it all together.

Now that I have the answers what the future holds is unknown.

But whatever it is I will be facing it as Jean

I wish you all a safe journey

Love Jean

[Debra Russell]

You must be happy as you have made a decisive effort. A decision that a lot of us would make if times were different. You seem to have had enough time and experience to make it work. Best wishes I am sure many of us are envious ……………………………...Debra

PS you make a lovely woman

[Teresa]

Jean,
I'm a little confused if you're making a statement or asking a question .

If it's as I think it reads I'm going to say whatever you feel most comfortable as , which I assume is Jean . Also which way works best for your relationships ? Again from previous threads I would say Jean is the winner .

Maybe you should ask the question what are you long term fears and how can you deal with them ?

Personally I'm going to say age worries me more than acceptance with parts of my family , if I stay fit and well it may not be a problem but what happens if I'm not ? Giving up what I have now may be very hard to do , coming to terms with being a man again will be hard to deal with .

I must admit it's hard to believe how the time passes , I'm into my third year now and no real problems , at the moment it's hard being isolated , I miss people .

[Jean 103]

It's more of a statement, what I felt I needed to make the decision.

Yes the long term question. I don't think that is much different. I haven't really hard any problems with acceptance.

There have been a couple idiots, no big deal.

Don't worry Teresa, you just rent a room. Make a new best friend that helps you out around the house.

It worked for my late landlord. I got do much from that relationship, and now the pain. I would do it all again.

[missjoann49]

Hi Jean
I made the decision a while ago to be full time and I am glad I did. I am very proud of who I have become, the real me.
You make a fabulous woman. Go for it and be happy. After loosing my late wife 6 years ago I realized that life is way to
short to be unhappy. So that being said go for it girl and be happy

[Crissy 107]

I have known Jean for a while and I appreciate her for all she does. I think her being out and about and being herself is priceless for our community. She is not outspoken here but brings an invaluable asset by just being herself.
I am proud to be her friend and enjoy all her interactions with everyday people.
Ok, time to get off my soapbox.

[Jean 103]

Thank you, but it is a bit much.

Yes by living as I do I touch a lot of people.

It may sound like there are no other TG people here. That couldn't be farther from the truth. I know some from group and a couple others from my friends.

I couldn't even Clam that they are less know or visual.

Still I'm popular in my little world.

There are people in the support group that are truly angles. They have started and implemented a world wide TG outreach program, it is how I see it. I'm not up on it as I'm not part of it and there are no meetings now.

I do feel that by living openly as I do it is in some way helping others. As I'm sure others have done for me.

One that I know of and have been mistaken for, transitioned while serving as a local police officer. She ended up transferring to another department and I believe is retired now. I have not met this person but know of her through my friends.i don't think we look alike.

[Jane G]

It's more of a statement, what I felt I needed to make the decision.

Yes the long term question. I don't think that is much different. I haven't really hard any problems with acceptance.

There have been a couple idiots, no big deal.

Don't worry Teresa, you just rent a room. Make a new best friend that helps you out around the house.

It worked for my late landlord. I got do much from that relationship, and now the pain. I would do it all again.

How many of us live out our lives as male because we have wives that we love and would never wish to hurt more that we have too. That could be be an entire thread. Life goes on enjoy it while you live it.

[Jean 103]

Yes and if my wife was even a little accepting I would be one of them.

I have been married for over 30 years and actually still am. I still love my wife but the marriage was over long before she asked me to leave. I moved out leaving her the house and what little we had.

If I could go back in time to when we were happy , I still had a family, before I started looking for why I think and feel this way? I would.

I will carry the pain of what I did for the rest of my life. It is why I stay away from the family, I don't want to cause her anymore pain.

Freedom in my case did come with a very high price tag.

[Becoming Brianna]

I am so glad that you are on a journey that is right for you and doing what is best for yourself. I am in the process of finding that out for myself. I have been in therapy for almost a year and am wrestling with whether or not to start HRT and to what degree (or not) I wish to medically transition. Otherwise, I am already out full time as Brianna (I used a feminized variant of my birth name until just this past week or so when I asked my mom to start calling me Brianna. I had actually asked for this last fall but she asked to hold onto the child she knew a little while longer and we settled on a compromise that I had to tell her was no longer working for me. My exploration of my gender identity has also come at a high price tag that sometimes overwhelms me when I think about all I have lost to gain this freedom. It has been worth it but I gave up a realtionship with a woman I really loved and it has put tremendous strain on my family. Every time my dad gets upset about something or we have a political disagreement the conversation always turns to my gender and how it's bothering him and hurting the family; and while my mom has been really supportive, she always seems to push back a bit whenever I try to move forward which only exacerbates my sense of insecurity and any lingering doubts I have about my decision. I'm beginning to think that my mom is definitely right. that I can't transition with my mom and dad being so close to me in my life. I need some distance between them and myself for all of our sake if I do indeed decide to medically transition. It's still something of an open question for me as I have tried and am trying with varying degrees of success to strike an uneasy piece with my maleness\male body even though there's a large part of me that is now screaming at me to transition or at least start HRT on a low dose. I often feel like there's just enough male in me to stop me from fully transitioning which is why I've taken the identity of bigender, but it's not a strict male\female dichotomy for me. My gender expression is female and I go between identifying as a woman and as a feminine man with the woman being the dominant identity. I find myself caught between thinking I'm just throwing up roadblocks because I'm afraid of the inevitable truth that I am a woman and I need to transition and trying to rationalize away the male aspects of myself because I want to fit the mold of what a person with gender dysphoria should be doing. I am a mess and I readily acknowledge that. I am working hard and putting a lot of pressure on myself to resolve my situation with respect to my gender and I am making progress but nothing about this has been easy and every step has been taken with great fear and trepidation. The high cost (especially being in an unfriendly area of the country) and the negative indications I get from my family have not been helpful either. I wonder what I would have done in a more supportive context but even then I'm not 100% sure what I'd be doing. Sorry for rambling and potentially hijacking this thread but your message just struck a chord in me. I know that whatever happens I will continue to live as Brianna but the question remains for me as to what if anything I will do to actualize her existence.

[Jean 103]

Brianna, you are fine and that is what this thread is about.

It basically two parts.

First is awareness, learning, and finally acceptance.

The other part , is now that you have come to this new since of being , now where do you go, that do you do, and how do you now live the rest of your life.

These are all hard questions to answer.

I think support is key. When I left my wife I had nothing, as she was my life. She was everything to me. The only thing I had left was a job.

I rented a room, having roommates probably save my life. At the time I was planning on getting my things in order and checking out. That's why I left her everything.

What happened was something I had not expected. I made new friends, a new life. Not knowing what I was doing I transitioned socially. I met someone also going through a ruff time. We became best friends as we leaned on each other. We are still close, yesterday I got off early and went for a walk on the beach. We are just close friends, she has a boyfriend , he is great, and she is doing much better too.

If I were younger I would probably go on HRT. I do know individuals that have that are older than me.

For you, it may be best to separate yourself, put some distance , from your parents. You will still need support, at least emotionally.

I actually don't think of myself as being anyone gender, I'm just me. I do I guess adjust my behavior a bit. I work I guy mode and live in girl mode. I'm out so my guy mode is a bit girly, as I'm wearing all women's clothing with the exception of an oversized company t-shirt. Hair in ponytail, no makeup.

I wish you the best.