I have a sense, Pixie, that your question has more to do with acceptance than with guilt and shame. Acceptance is the short answer.
I guess at some point one just gets tired of holding back and denying one's true nature. You only live once.
I have a sense, Pixie, that your question has more to do with acceptance than with guilt and shame. Acceptance is the short answer.
I guess at some point one just gets tired of holding back and denying one's true nature. You only live once.
When haters hate, I celebrate!
Bigender? To use the baseball analogy, think switch hitter. Sometimes feels like a girl, sometimes feels like a boy, and is relatively happy in both worlds. And, I do mean gender, not bisexual, that's a different kind of switch hitter, someone who is sexually attracted to both males and females. "Sexual attraction" as opposed to "feels like".
I actually think I'm gender fluid. Both male me and female are active simultaneously, but in a spectrum from uber male to uber female.
For example. I'm standing at the deli counter at the supermarket. I notice that he GG next to me is wear a really adorable necklace. I (in this case I mean Steffi) ask her about it. Boy me would never approach a stranger and ask them about their necklace. Found out she got it in Hawaii. Too bad. I was kind of hoping to pick it up at some local store. I (boy me) think the GG is is pretty cute. What does a guy do when he meets s pretty girl. Flirt with her. BTW, she wasn't a stranger b/c Steffi dort of introduced me to her.
Maybe someone else can give a better definition.
Hi, I'm Steffi and I'm a crossdresser... And I accept and celebrate both sides of me. Or, maybe I'm gender fluid.
hello Pixie,
I got over the shame and guilt by constantly asking myself "why do I feel ashamed?" and years later I still could not find an answer and just enjoy my cross-dressing for what it is.
The other thing I have learnt is to know (and be realistic about) my boundaries - how far I wish to go on the CD spectrum.
We are doing nothing wrong.
Stay healthy,
Luv J
No shame or guilt here. Sometimes the thought crosses my mind that maybe in some way I'm violating whatever I'm wearing.
I'm a man. I like being a man. I also love wearing women's clothing. It's my way to show honor, respect and solidarity with them.
Dear Pixie,
Those feelings are a complex answer of something more complex. They can have different sources or reasons. Why do you ask, pls nothing about buying....
Are those feelings as a result of that? This could be a long thread, i thinking will be but you will hear just other's experiences that sometimes can match your own experience like mine, after years, I decide to come out to my wife and was good, now I'm a transsexual living my own true life and keep happily living with the same wife. May be my experience would result overwhelming for you or you would like it and, in either way, you could make the wrong desicions based just in other's experiences, and some times, ignorant opinions So since you post the question in this forum, I assume those feelings, you think, are related with crossdressing.
For all said I would recommend you to go to a therapist. A therapist won't give you answers but will lead you to find them and detect a possible bigger problem as a mental illness that can be treated with medicines.
Mho
Devi
Last edited by Devi SM; 06-11-2020 at 08:40 AM.
HRT 042018; Full time 032019
Orchiectomy 062020; gender& name legal changed 102020
Electrolysis face begins 082019, in genitals for GCS 062021
Breast augmentation surgery 012022
GCS 072022; BBL 022023; GCS revision 04203;END TRANSITION
Good question! For me two things... I was in a relationship with a woman that said I was overthinking and it really was not as big a deal as I had made it out to be. The other was a therapist who pointed out a distinction between secret and private. Both reframed my thinking a lot.
PS I’m making a distinction between TG and CD. I am cd.
Last edited by Katie01; 06-11-2020 at 12:57 PM.
Steffi, I feel like you have that backwards. A bigender person would be a person who identifies as both genders all the time. A gender fluid person would be someone that’s sometimes a boy and sometimes a girl. Their gender changes constantly, or is fluid.
Hi Pixie, I think I got over the shame and guilt once I started looking at CDing as part of me and less as a fetish thing to do to get excited. At the same time my taste in clothes changed as well and I felt more comfortable going out.
The more you dress, the less guilt yo will have. dressing become part of daily routine.
Specially now with distancing, no ones come banging in at your door. Relax and enjoy the ride Pixie.
Wanting something is a fantasy which on a long time period clouds your mind and makes you think you need it.
Rayleen
Personally, I really hate the labels that define a condition.
But to answer your question, I have found that surprisingly people don’t care as much as we think they do. I can’t tell you the number of times I started growing my hair, only to wimp out because someone said something, or even worse...I “thought they were looking at me, wondering whatever.” It seriously took me 45+ yrs and some help from Covid to say, “to hell w/it.” And I’ve learned that overtime...as my hair gets longer (10-11” on top or so and good for a great man bun or pony or French braid) that people don’t care...or maybe they ask one question and that’s it. The other day, I had family that asked me about it...one sister-in-law hinted to cut it, and my mother in-law said...”it looks like mine, only that that I’m a woman.” I simply responded with...”That’s nice, I like it and I’m trying something new”
In the older days, I would have headed straight to the barber, but not this time...again, Covid has strangely helped this. I don’t have to be “seen” as much. When my wife heard about the exchanged, she sent her family a note “I heard you guys gave my man some flack for his hair...leave him alone, it looks great, and I like it!” 45 years! I should have done that 20 years ago, but you know what? Styles and acceptances have also changed, so I’ll take it. Sometimes I wish I was born 20 years later, because the boys and girls seem to have a lot more fun w/their hair now but what do you do.
I am VERY blessed to have a supportive wife. She was supportive in the beginning as I disclosed my secret to her, and I took it slow.....painfully slow at times, but my love and respect for her was my motivation to keep it slow and it made ALL of the difference. My wife KNOWS that she is first...and that I love her, would never hurt her, or our kids.
So how do you find someone like this???
ANSWER: Do not look for someone who will like YOUR needs...your XD needs. Find someone you love, someone you would do anything for. Obviously you need to be attracted to them, but that attraction will disappear in weeks if you don’t love each other. When you show her that you are unselfish, when you show her that you aren’t often typical self-centered husband/boyfriend, she will figure out your vulnerabilities faster than you know...she’ll key into it, and may figure out what you like before you say at word.
Obviously, you would want to date or meet someone who isn’t prejudice, etc...but I think that’s less of a concern today.
Be careful though...sometimes Girls want to be the only girl in the relationship if you know what I mean, even if they think that you’re secret is “cute”
Hope this helped.
That's a good reason to dislike labels. Nobody can really agree what the labels mean.
Look at the definition in my signature. I got that from some "reputable" website.
It says that gender fluid is always a pink and blue mixture, sometimes more pink and other times more blue. That's how I feel. Like, I used to go to Sears to look at tools, but on the way to tool, Steffi would see a cute dress and drag me over to take a closer look.
Last edited by Sometimes Steffi; 06-11-2020 at 09:16 PM.
Hi, I'm Steffi and I'm a crossdresser... And I accept and celebrate both sides of me. Or, maybe I'm gender fluid.
Hi Pixie. I do not have any guilt or shame about crossdressing, but I have a great fear for my life where I was living and where I live now.
Leslie Mary Shy
Remember this:
You do not have to be a man to love a woman, or be a woman to love women's clothes on her or yourself.
_________________________
A counselor skilled in gender issues would be a good place to begin. I went to three different ones who all told me that there was nothing out of the realm of normal human behavior about me. Positive re-enforcement from other people--be they cis, trans, cd, etc. is also a good thing.
WARNING:Any institutions or individuals using this site or any of its associated sites for studies, projects, or any other purpose - YOU DO NOT HAVE MY PERMISSION To Use Any Of My Profile Or Pictures In Any Form Or Forum Both Current And Future.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/jaytojillian/
I am not sure that I actually did anything, I suffered from the guilt and shame when I was younger, as I started to get older, I started to understand me a little better and somewhere along the way I gained total acceptance with who I am
I can say that once that acceptance was there, I enjoyed my dressing more than ever before, it just became natural and I like the me that I am
Knowing and accepting what and who you are is the starting point. guilt and shame within oneself should never be an issue, I dont't care what anybody says to the contrary this has been backed up by medical evidence I have got on a personal basis, WE WERE BORN THIS WAY in whatever level we subsequently became. A French Dr who lectures at a faculty of medecine not far from where I live, confirmed what I felt and had questioned all of those years ago.
Dressing is as normal a way of life as it should be.
Go back centuries When men wore tights and so forth and nobody poked fun or ostracised them at all. It is the way that society has developed that has created the bigotry and hate that is fired at our community so very often.
The way I look at it is this, be you, be proud and most of all feel happy within yourself, once you have that firmly in your grasp dressing will not be something you may feel you need to hide from your neighbours and friends any more.
I started life a lost man now I am a found woman
For those of us who grew up in the 60's the decision to hide our most innermost feelings and desires produced decades of guilt and shame. I still struggle with those feelings today; although in the past few years I have become more and more accepting of my femininity. Somedays it's a step back; but thankfully most of the time it's two steps forward with an increasing level of comfort with my gender.
My acceptance came in several stages over time.
The first was understanding who I am. I grew up pre internet, with parents I could not talk to and the library did not have books about crossdressing. Then one day I saw a Phil Donahue show that featured crossdressers. I knew I was not alone there are others like me.
Then when I was feeling guilty I thought why? My guilt was from western values saying men should not dress and act like women. Why is that? Many times people do not like anything that is not their values or they don't understand so they run others with different values/behaviors down to feel better about themselves. I thought about who I was hurting by dressing? The answer was no one. Does crossdressing make me worse as a person? No. Does my crossdressing hurt society in any way? No.
So I realized there is nothing wrong with it and it just a part of me. It is who I am.
Like Lea, my acceptance came in stages. Participating in online forums like this was step one. Step two was coming out to my wife, and eventually having her accept that I wasn't broken. Step three was going out to TG support groups to meet other like-minded individuals. Step four was becoming a public ally (in male mode) of LGBT causes. Step five was getting out in public and mingling with civilians, usually far from home and almost always with at least a few TG friends for support.
In summary, getting to know other TG people is important, and although you might find a few creepy or boring, you are bound to meet someone you'll make a real connection with. I have a number of really good friends in the community. The other important aspect is finding acceptance outside the community. On a board like this, or in a TG support group meeting, it can feel like a bit of an echo chamber. But if you have family members or friends who are also in your corner, then you can know that we aren't just a bunch of misfits mutually assuring each other that we're all okay.
Jamie
Nice to see you back.
I hope that you don't mind if I remind you about steps 2.4 and 2.6
Step 2.4 Getting a professional makeover and photoshoot
Step 2.6 Meeting another Cd FtF
Both steps 2.4 and 2.6 helped me a lot,
I'm still stuck on Step 2.0; my wife still thinks I'm broken and is still hoping to find that magic to turn me back into a non-CD. But I hid it so far back in my childhood, that she'll never be able to find it.
For those that are interested, I skipped Step 4 and skipped to Step 4.5.
Step 4.5 I lobbied both my US Congressman and one of my US Senators, at their office right next to Capitol Hill, en femme, with a group of others doing the same thing. In fact, it's the only time I've ever been in the House and Senate Buildings.
Hi, I'm Steffi and I'm a crossdresser... And I accept and celebrate both sides of me. Or, maybe I'm gender fluid.
Time and counselling.
I needed time to get to grips with the sudden urge to crossdress which had been dormant since childhood and teens. This took a number of months.
Counselling with a specialist CD counsellor to understand that CDing is not that unusual. It's just taboo.
I still feel guilt and shame from time to time. I'm not out to anyone but my wife and it was the lying to her more that CDing that I felt shame and guilt.
Best tip is to read this site and realise you are not alone.
I don't think I ever had any real guilt or shame. Of course, I am "Closeted" for the most part, but not because of shame, but only I do not think it would be a GOOD IDEA to go out in the open, considering most people's ignorance about what CD is about and facing public ridicule or worse. I have always thought CDing was FUN and something to "get off" with. Also I had always been interested in Psychology (as well as other Sciences) since I was a kid. I was the type who got my information from BOOKS and did not listen to the Sexual Myths of my ignorant schoolboy peers. But found out the real thing by myself. I knew I wasn't "Gay" and I had no religious hang ups about CDing, so why feel Guilty? Guilty of what?-----And why feel shame? I found something interesting and FUN to do---as long as I was CAREFUL.
Just know your doing what your wired to do and your not hurting anyone. You have done nothing to feel guilty about Pixie.
Angie
I am new to dressing, so I might be at some kind of honeymoon??
But for sure never ever gonna purge. The wardrobe is mine
I have reasoned like previous posters.
I am hurting no one.
It feels just right.
I can reach for happiness only to myself and people i know and can contribute.
Just few days a go had opportunity to help w-to-m transgender at work, and took it. I guess he will never know why his changes to documents did not bat an eyelid.
yeah that guilt and shame is real hell it took me 40 years to shake it i still get it once in awhile .its tough to deal with and the others judge you .but in time you accept that its a part of who you are and nothing or no-one can change it.
Therapy with a specialist in transgender issues is what worked for me, but it also took me a good 2-3 years to really figure things out.