I'm intrigued about something

[Pixie_94]

Hello everyone! I hope you are having a nice day.

I have been less busy recently, so I have had some more time to think about life and much more, so here's my question:

How did you get over any sort of guilt and/or shame?

What specific things would be good for me to do? (Pls, nothing about buying a dress and posting pics of me here).

[Debra Russell]

your doing nothing wrong - ignore the feeling as learned guilt, dress and move on...…………...Debra

[Helen_Highwater]

Pixie,

The more you dress, the more natural it begins to feel. Guilt is a consequence of believing you're doing something wrong. It's drummed into many of us from all sides from an early age. Gay and transvestite folk were the target of cruel humour portrayed as caricatures on radio, TV, and stage for decades.

Times have moved on. Homosexuality once illegal in the UK no longer is. Once hidden in the shadows now openly gay people are celebrities appearing on their own shows on prime time TV. Our problem is learning to accept that like Gays, we have the protection of the law in many countries. We're not criminals or perverts. You are the person you are and you do no harm. Those that seek to ridicule or harm us are the ones in the wrong.

[Joyce Swindell]

I've found that having a supportive wife has been extremely helpful on this issue. Someone who accepts you as you are.
I also agree with Helen..."The more you dress, the more natural it begins to feel."

[NatashaHexx]

I also have a supportive wife. In the past couple years I have been making an effort to build a support system of people that support my dressing. Its helped not only with dealing with the shame, but its done wonders for my general mental health as well.

[Robertacd]

You have to accept yourself, even if that means haveing to accept something about yourself that you don't want to accept.

I spent 40+ years looking for any explanation for dressing besides TG, and I tried them all from "it's just a panty fetish" to "it's AGP". Sure they made me feel better for a while but I knew deep inside that I was lying to myself so the guilt remained.

My guilt did not go away until I accepted that I am Transgender.

[Brenda Freeman]

I attended a tgirl event in 2005, and for the first time saw over 150 tgirls from all over in person. There was quite a variety of experience, from first timers to years of attending, and I noticed so many were so comfortable out in public and having fun and very encouraging and supportive. I have attended this event many times gaining more confidence each year and now help new girls, I always remember the past fear and guilt, knowing there are so many girls like me was eye opening. I also had a proffesional make over while their and for the fist time with proper make up could not believe how good I looked in my eyes anyway, a definite confidence builder. Hopefully there are similar opportunities in Costa Rica.

[Samm]

Hi Pix, as good as dressing made me feel, I would always feel shame and guilt afterwards. Until one day, I realized it wasn't just a part of me, it was who I am. My first and most important step was to just accept myself for who I was. Once I did that, it was like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. I joined this forum right at that time also. This was 2012. Later that same year, I met my wife, who is 100% supportive.
My journey isn't over, but I wouldn't be where I am on it, if it weren't for that first step of self acceptance.

[johnboyii2002]

I don't have much support my wife does't believe in crossdressing and doesn't think men should wear women's cloths. That doesn't help me in loving crossdressing.

[Teresa]

Johnboy,
No it doesn't help at all ! I hope your wife realises the implications of her actions , OK it depends on your needs or depth of dysphoria but long term suppression isn't a good thing mentally , eventually the cork has to burst out the bottle !

Same old story , you need to decide what it really means to you and then get that together and have the talk with her , the fact she doesn't like it doesn't make it go away .

[Teresa]

Pixie,
When I finally had the answer that I was born with the trait , I knew then I couldn't change something that was part of me so why should I feel guilty or ashamed of it . From that point I had to come to terms with it , I knew I was alone with it so eventually had to turn to outside help through counselling .

I find it harder and harder to understand what people are afraid of , my family talk about protecting my grandsons , I now ask protecting them from what ? The illogical fears are in their heads not mine .

[Rayleen]

The more you dress, the less guilt yo will have. dressing become part of daily routine.

Specially now with distancing, no ones come banging in at your door. Relax and enjoy the ride Pixie.

[Pixie_94]

Helen. That's so similar to something someone told me some days ago. I was looking for advice to see if I shall get rid of this or what, and after telling everything, that person said I should dress more often and experiment more.

Joyce, Natasha and Samm. I'm not close to be married (yet), but what would you say that is key to know if a woman will be supportive or at least not disgusted/annoyed?

Roberta. Even if it's really uncomfortable, I have tried to do the same for this to more easily repress or supress it. Like the autogynephilia thing or the other one, however, those make me feel even more uncomfortable.

Teresa. How long did that take with the counselling?

[Teresa]

Pixie,
I've had three separate sessions of counselling . The first guy back twenty years ruled out the possibility of being born TG , I knew I was wasting my time and his so stopped after spending ?180.00.

Twenty years on my GP picked up something in my notes and suggested I get counselling to make sure I didn't have suicidal thoughts anymore , as it was on the NHS I did the course until the counsellor was happy with my mental state . I could have told them that but I did get a great deal of help from her but she wasn't a gender counsellor . I finally got referred to one, again through the NHS , I was due to have 16 sessions but only received 6 as their budgets were cut but I had talked enough to realise I was TG and needed to be free to live it .

I will agree with Jean , you may not get all the answers but it does help in finding yourself . For most of us it is a battle we take on , sometimes we need a little outside help so we shouldn't feel afraid or ashamed to seek it , we only have one life , it's up to us to find ways to live it to the best of our ability .

[Samm]

Joyce, Natasha and Samm. I'm not close to be married (yet), but what would you say that is key to know if a woman will be supportive or at least not disgusted/annoyed?

I can only speak from my own experience... I knew early on, before my wife and I were in a serious relationship, that she was a very open minded person. The 'live and let live' type. Not to mention she identified as bi, and had more than one relationship with other women.
I knew right off, that even if we just stayed friends, that I could have confided in her with my secret. And she would have kept it to herself.

[kimdl93]

As my therapist once said, its not a crime, you know. Easy for her to say, I suppose, but its true. From that perspective, there is nothing to feel guilty about. And yet we do. I have learned to distinguish between being transgender, which is OK from some of the regrettable things I did as I can to grips with who I am. So I still feel guilty about the adverse impacts on my first and second wife as I struggled with my gender identity. I still regret not being able to be more honest, less emotionally volatile and compulsive...those things hurt other people and hurt me. The clothes I wear and the gender identity I have come to accept did none of the harm.

[Sandi Beech]

Hi Pixie. Things really turned around for me in 2017 when I started going to LGBT bars and clubs where I figured I might be accepted. The level of acceptance by others has been so overwhelming positive, how could I be down on myself when others were so accepting. I realize it can not work for everyone, but socializing while dressed has really helped me to accept myself as the complicated and interesting person that I am. It is unfortunate that I can not be myself around everyone, but I am over it because of the accepting people I have met.

Sandi

[franlee]

I went through the guilt and shame when I 1st started but soon I found my best friend and therapist, the mirror. I simply got down to facing reality and learned to make it work for me. Being true to one's self is my answer.

[Gardener]

The key was to be more open about it. With myself first, ?you are not a weird person?. With my partner, she was not happy. With a couple of other people in my life. My dressing is hugely limited and my desire very controllable, so that is not a problem.

[Jean 103]

It is easy, all you have to do is accept this is who you are.

You don't have to understand or dress.

You accept this is part of you just like breathing. At this point you can start planning the rest of your life.

I don't know how it is where you are. So you need to use your own judgement as far as letting people know, by word or dress.

Putting all that aside. I went looking for the answer a few years ago. I never did answer why, I just ended up accepting this is me.

As this is just how I am and it isn't something I did other than open the door where I have all those feelings locked away.

It is an internal thing that we express externally in different ways.

Once you have accepted yourself, than you can start looking at the guilt and stripping it away. That is if it doesn't just go away, because at this point what's to be guilty about.

I wish you safe passage on your journey.

[Bobbi46]

Knowing and accepting what and who you are is the starting point. guilt and shame within oneself should never be an issue, I dont't care what anybody says to the contrary this has been backed up by medical evidence I have got on a personal basis, WE WERE BORN THIS WAY in whatever level we subsequently became. A French Dr who lectures at a faculty of medecine not far from where I live, confirmed what I felt and had questioned all of those years ago.
Dressing is as normal a way of life as it should be.
Go back centuries When men wore tights and so forth and nobody poked fun or ostracised them at all. It is the way that society has developed that has created the bigotry and hate that is fired at our community so very often.
The way I look at it is this, be you, be proud and most of all feel happy within yourself, once you have that firmly in your grasp dressing will not be something you may feel you need to hide from your neighbours and friends any more.

[AndreaJay]

Hi Pixie,

You have done nothing wrong and you're not doing anything wrong by dressing. I agree with everything that Helen said, it is society, the media and the people around us that make us feel that we are doing something wrong. Nobody should be made to feel inferior to anyone else, no one is better than us and no one is worse than us, it is our lifestyle and there's nothing to feel guilty about.

Sadly, we've been the figure of fun for far too many years with, so called comics, like the UK's Dick Emery and films/TV programmes that use crossdressers for comedic effect. This has its own influence on how society and people, who have zero experience of our world, see us...well they're a bit weird, they must be perverts...you get the picture and the has the end result of putting guilt onto us. Sorry, I'll switch rant mode off now.

Please, just don't feel guilty for being you.

[Angela Marie]

For those of us who grew up in the 60's the decision to hide our most innermost feelings and desires produced decades of guilt and shame. I still struggle with those feelings today; although in the past few years I have become more and more accepting of my femininity. Somedays it's a step back; but thankfully most of the time it's two steps forward with an increasing level of comfort with my gender.

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Pixie

I understand how difficult it can be, not everywhere is accepting of those who crossdress.

Learning to accept yourself is the key, but there are lots of pressure to be "normal". (well what society thinks is normal).

I don't know what resources you have where you are as in counseling availability.

[Sometimes Steffi]

Feeling guilt and shame is a result of feeling that we're doing something wrong. How many times have you heard that "boys don't do that?"

I had to go to therapy to hear someone tell me that there's nothing wrong with crossdressing. So, I'll tell you what my therapist told me. "There's nothing wrong with wanting to crossdress." There, I just saved you thousands of bucks. But I endorse therapy if you think like you need it or want it. And, talking about therapy. Remember that is wasn't that long ago "that you had to be nuts" to go see a "shrink". It's quite normal now, and you don't have to be crazy. I personally have graduated therapy, with a degree in "I'm OK". Also note that in the US (at least), your therapist is required by law to keep your discussions private. Violating that law could get them in a lot of trouble, both professionally and financially.

Just a note. If you look for a therapist, make sure that you find one who has good experience in gender issues. You may still find therapists who believe that "crossdressing is wrong" and that "crossdressing can be cured". That kind of therapist could really send you to therapy.

And to emphasize that, I'll tell you a little story. I got caught. When I got caust, my wife was shal I say, "not very happy." She still isn't, but she does give me permission to go out with CD friends. As if I needed permission, it is my life, but I do keep my CDing down to reasonable levels. Anyhow, I digress. When I got caught, my wife wanted me to "get fixed." She told me to talk to our pastor and get some recommendations on someone to talk to. Funny thing about that, even he didn't think that "I was broken". I thinks his words were, crossdressing is "just a variation of normal."

As for finding a girl, one of my good CD friends told me "her" story. She had been dating a girl for quite a while, and she felt she had to tell her about her CDing. She freaked out; they broke up. Her new plan was to "have the talk" with each girl very early in the relationship before getting serious. She's now married, with two kids, and still dresses. Her wife obviously knows, covers with their kids when she's going out, and even goes out with her every once in a while.