Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 25 of 57

Thread: I'm intrigued about something

  1. #1
    Sort of a n00b Pixie_94's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2017
    Location
    Costa Rica
    Posts
    194

    I'm intrigued about something

    Hello everyone! I hope you are having a nice day.

    I have been less busy recently, so I have had some more time to think about life and much more, so here's my question:

    How did you get over any sort of guilt and/or shame?

    What specific things would be good for me to do? (Pls, nothing about buying a dress and posting pics of me here).

  2. #2
    Silver Member Debra Russell's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Location
    Oregon
    Posts
    2,829
    your doing nothing wrong - ignore the feeling as learned guilt, dress and move on...…………...Debra

  3. #3
    Gold Member Helen_Highwater's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    Midlands UK
    Posts
    5,998
    Pixie,

    The more you dress, the more natural it begins to feel. Guilt is a consequence of believing you're doing something wrong. It's drummed into many of us from all sides from an early age. Gay and transvestite folk were the target of cruel humour portrayed as caricatures on radio, TV, and stage for decades.

    Times have moved on. Homosexuality once illegal in the UK no longer is. Once hidden in the shadows now openly gay people are celebrities appearing on their own shows on prime time TV. Our problem is learning to accept that like Gays, we have the protection of the law in many countries. We're not criminals or perverts. You are the person you are and you do no harm. Those that seek to ridicule or harm us are the ones in the wrong.
    Who dares wears Get in, get out without being noticed

  4. #4
    Aspiring Member Joyce Swindell's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Location
    Orlando, Fl
    Posts
    531
    I've found that having a supportive wife has been extremely helpful on this issue. Someone who accepts you as you are.
    I also agree with Helen..."The more you dress, the more natural it begins to feel."

  5. #5
    The Fantabulous NatashaHexx's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2020
    Location
    Salt Lake City, UT
    Posts
    11
    I also have a supportive wife. In the past couple years I have been making an effort to build a support system of people that support my dressing. Its helped not only with dealing with the shame, but its done wonders for my general mental health as well.

  6. #6
    Banned Read only
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Posts
    4,411
    You have to accept yourself, even if that means haveing to accept something about yourself that you don't want to accept.

    I spent 40+ years looking for any explanation for dressing besides TG, and I tried them all from "it's just a panty fetish" to "it's AGP". Sure they made me feel better for a while but I knew deep inside that I was lying to myself so the guilt remained.

    My guilt did not go away until I accepted that I am Transgender.

  7. #7
    Member Brenda Freeman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    Portland,OR
    Posts
    490
    I attended a tgirl event in 2005, and for the first time saw over 150 tgirls from all over in person. There was quite a variety of experience, from first timers to years of attending, and I noticed so many were so comfortable out in public and having fun and very encouraging and supportive. I have attended this event many times gaining more confidence each year and now help new girls, I always remember the past fear and guilt, knowing there are so many girls like me was eye opening. I also had a proffesional make over while their and for the fist time with proper make up could not believe how good I looked in my eyes anyway, a definite confidence builder. Hopefully there are similar opportunities in Costa Rica.

  8. #8
    I can only be me Samm's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2012
    Location
    Massachusetts
    Posts
    916
    Hi Pix, as good as dressing made me feel, I would always feel shame and guilt afterwards. Until one day, I realized it wasn't just a part of me, it was who I am. My first and most important step was to just accept myself for who I was. Once I did that, it was like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. I joined this forum right at that time also. This was 2012. Later that same year, I met my wife, who is 100% supportive.
    My journey isn't over, but I wouldn't be where I am on it, if it weren't for that first step of self acceptance.
    "Samm" Sammara Michaels

    I also speak fluent sarcasm

  9. #9
    Banned Read only
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    13,089
    Pixie,
    When I finally had the answer that I was born with the trait , I knew then I couldn't change something that was part of me so why should I feel guilty or ashamed of it . From that point I had to come to terms with it , I knew I was alone with it so eventually had to turn to outside help through counselling .

    I find it harder and harder to understand what people are afraid of , my family talk about protecting my grandsons , I now ask protecting them from what ? The illogical fears are in their heads not mine .
    Last edited by Teresa; 06-08-2020 at 01:54 PM.

  10. #10
    Sort of a n00b Pixie_94's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2017
    Location
    Costa Rica
    Posts
    194
    Helen. That's so similar to something someone told me some days ago. I was looking for advice to see if I shall get rid of this or what, and after telling everything, that person said I should dress more often and experiment more.

    Joyce, Natasha and Samm. I'm not close to be married (yet), but what would you say that is key to know if a woman will be supportive or at least not disgusted/annoyed?

    Roberta. Even if it's really uncomfortable, I have tried to do the same for this to more easily repress or supress it. Like the autogynephilia thing or the other one, however, those make me feel even more uncomfortable.

    Teresa. How long did that take with the counselling?

  11. #11
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Posts
    21,273
    As my therapist once said, its not a crime, you know. Easy for her to say, I suppose, but its true. From that perspective, there is nothing to feel guilty about. And yet we do. I have learned to distinguish between being transgender, which is OK from some of the regrettable things I did as I can to grips with who I am. So I still feel guilty about the adverse impacts on my first and second wife as I struggled with my gender identity. I still regret not being able to be more honest, less emotionally volatile and compulsive...those things hurt other people and hurt me. The clothes I wear and the gender identity I have come to accept did none of the harm.

  12. #12
    Aspiring Member Sandi Beech's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2019
    Location
    Southeast US
    Posts
    903
    Hi Pixie. Things really turned around for me in 2017 when I started going to LGBT bars and clubs where I figured I might be accepted. The level of acceptance by others has been so overwhelming positive, how could I be down on myself when others were so accepting. I realize it can not work for everyone, but socializing while dressed has really helped me to accept myself as the complicated and interesting person that I am. It is unfortunate that I can not be myself around everyone, but I am over it because of the accepting people I have met.

    Sandi

  13. #13
    Silver Member franlee's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Location
    SE USA
    Posts
    3,371
    I went through the guilt and shame when I 1st started but soon I found my best friend and therapist, the mirror. I simply got down to facing reality and learned to make it work for me. Being true to one's self is my answer.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Fran
    It's worth something just being around to Fuss!

  14. #14
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    Posts
    132
    The key was to be more open about it. With myself first, ?you are not a weird person?. With my partner, she was not happy. With a couple of other people in my life. My dressing is hugely limited and my desire very controllable, so that is not a problem.

  15. #15
    Senior Member Jean 103's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2013
    Location
    Central Coast, CA
    Posts
    1,714
    It is easy, all you have to do is accept this is who you are.

    You don't have to understand or dress.

    You accept this is part of you just like breathing. At this point you can start planning the rest of your life.

    I don't know how it is where you are. So you need to use your own judgement as far as letting people know, by word or dress.

    Putting all that aside. I went looking for the answer a few years ago. I never did answer why, I just ended up accepting this is me.

    As this is just how I am and it isn't something I did other than open the door where I have all those feelings locked away.

    It is an internal thing that we express externally in different ways.

    Once you have accepted yourself, than you can start looking at the guilt and stripping it away. That is if it doesn't just go away, because at this point what's to be guilty about.

    I wish you safe passage on your journey.

  16. #16
    New Member
    Join Date
    May 2020
    Posts
    14
    Hi Pixie,

    You have done nothing wrong and you're not doing anything wrong by dressing. I agree with everything that Helen said, it is society, the media and the people around us that make us feel that we are doing something wrong. Nobody should be made to feel inferior to anyone else, no one is better than us and no one is worse than us, it is our lifestyle and there's nothing to feel guilty about.

    Sadly, we've been the figure of fun for far too many years with, so called comics, like the UK's Dick Emery and films/TV programmes that use crossdressers for comedic effect. This has its own influence on how society and people, who have zero experience of our world, see us...well they're a bit weird, they must be perverts...you get the picture and the has the end result of putting guilt onto us. Sorry, I'll switch rant mode off now.

    Please, just don't feel guilty for being you.

  17. #17
    Platinum Member Shelly Preston's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    Scotland
    Posts
    16,164
    Hi Pixie

    I understand how difficult it can be, not everywhere is accepting of those who crossdress.

    Learning to accept yourself is the key, but there are lots of pressure to be "normal". (well what society thinks is normal).

    I don't know what resources you have where you are as in counseling availability.
    Shelly

    Super Moderator....How to tell your partner......Abbreviations

  18. #18
    Silver Member Sometimes Steffi's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    Nation's Capital
    Posts
    4,654
    Feeling guilt and shame is a result of feeling that we're doing something wrong. How many times have you heard that "boys don't do that?"

    I had to go to therapy to hear someone tell me that there's nothing wrong with crossdressing. So, I'll tell you what my therapist told me. "There's nothing wrong with wanting to crossdress." There, I just saved you thousands of bucks. But I endorse therapy if you think like you need it or want it. And, talking about therapy. Remember that is wasn't that long ago "that you had to be nuts" to go see a "shrink". It's quite normal now, and you don't have to be crazy. I personally have graduated therapy, with a degree in "I'm OK". Also note that in the US (at least), your therapist is required by law to keep your discussions private. Violating that law could get them in a lot of trouble, both professionally and financially.

    Just a note. If you look for a therapist, make sure that you find one who has good experience in gender issues. You may still find therapists who believe that "crossdressing is wrong" and that "crossdressing can be cured". That kind of therapist could really send you to therapy.

    And to emphasize that, I'll tell you a little story. I got caught. When I got caust, my wife was shal I say, "not very happy." She still isn't, but she does give me permission to go out with CD friends. As if I needed permission, it is my life, but I do keep my CDing down to reasonable levels. Anyhow, I digress. When I got caught, my wife wanted me to "get fixed." She told me to talk to our pastor and get some recommendations on someone to talk to. Funny thing about that, even he didn't think that "I was broken". I thinks his words were, crossdressing is "just a variation of normal."

    As for finding a girl, one of my good CD friends told me "her" story. She had been dating a girl for quite a while, and she felt she had to tell her about her CDing. She freaked out; they broke up. Her new plan was to "have the talk" with each girl very early in the relationship before getting serious. She's now married, with two kids, and still dresses. Her wife obviously knows, covers with their kids when she's going out, and even goes out with her every once in a while.
    Hi, I'm Steffi and I'm a crossdresser... And I accept and celebrate both sides of me. Or, maybe I'm gender fluid.

  19. #19
    Banned Read only
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    13,089
    Pixie,
    I've had three separate sessions of counselling . The first guy back twenty years ruled out the possibility of being born TG , I knew I was wasting my time and his so stopped after spending ?180.00.

    Twenty years on my GP picked up something in my notes and suggested I get counselling to make sure I didn't have suicidal thoughts anymore , as it was on the NHS I did the course until the counsellor was happy with my mental state . I could have told them that but I did get a great deal of help from her but she wasn't a gender counsellor . I finally got referred to one, again through the NHS , I was due to have 16 sessions but only received 6 as their budgets were cut but I had talked enough to realise I was TG and needed to be free to live it .

    I will agree with Jean , you may not get all the answers but it does help in finding yourself . For most of us it is a battle we take on , sometimes we need a little outside help so we shouldn't feel afraid or ashamed to seek it , we only have one life , it's up to us to find ways to live it to the best of our ability .
    Last edited by Teresa; 06-09-2020 at 06:45 AM.

  20. #20
    Senior Member GretchenM's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2016
    Location
    Denver, Colorado
    Posts
    1,179
    Pixie, that is part of who you are. You don't have to dress; that is a choice that many make, but it is not necessary. Your feelings of being, to some degree, a bit female is an integral part of your sense of self. Your sense of self is developed over time and forms as a result of a bit of genetic influence forming a foundation that sets the stage. Can't do anything about that. What occurs after that is mostly the result of the blend of all the experiences you have had in your life. It is what your brain has determined is the best fit for you based on the vast collection of experiences you have had. So, it becomes how you identify yourself and by extension how you fit into the world.

    Unfortunately, most societies, but not all, have this idea that there are strict standards of behavior that form our concept of gender. For most, the world is divided into male and female. It is the gender binary. It has worked well for a long time and has become the expectation and assumed to be built into us. IT IS NOT.

    The proper solution is to, as others have said, accept who you are and proceed from there. Easier said than done. But just as you convinced yourself to accept the falsehood of the strict gender binary you can convince yourself that gender is variable and you are one of those that is variable and that your sense of self is the proper gender configuration for yourself.

  21. #21
    I can only be me Samm's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2012
    Location
    Massachusetts
    Posts
    916
    Quote Originally Posted by Pixie_94 View Post
    Joyce, Natasha and Samm. I'm not close to be married (yet), but what would you say that is key to know if a woman will be supportive or at least not disgusted/annoyed?
    I can only speak from my own experience... I knew early on, before my wife and I were in a serious relationship, that she was a very open minded person. The 'live and let live' type. Not to mention she identified as bi, and had more than one relationship with other women.
    I knew right off, that even if we just stayed friends, that I could have confided in her with my secret. And she would have kept it to herself.
    "Samm" Sammara Michaels

    I also speak fluent sarcasm

  22. #22
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    Western Washington
    Posts
    12,274
    "How did you get over any sort of guilt and/or shame?" is a tough question to come up with an answer. When I was a teenager I was plagued with shame. In the 1960's cross dressing was equated to being a homosexual. I'd have to add to "shame" the feeling of "confusion." On the one hand I lusted after young women and teen movie stars. On the other I was driven to wear my mother's clothing. I could not reconcile the two feelings. Total confusion.

    It took many years to come to terms with my desire to wear women's clothing. I've thought many times about what society thinks I and any man should be doing and weighing where I stood on those issues. I was a success. I raised two great kids who have terrific jobs and families. I have had a very great marriage. I worked hard my entire life. I served my country in the military for which I am still paying the price. In some of my posts I have said one should pile all those things on a scale and see where it all balances out. Everything I listed on one side and cross dressing on the other. That balance enabled me to toss out people's negativity towards cross dressing, and, along the way acceptance for anyone who also does not conform to societal norms and expectations.

    I still freely admit life would have been and still would be a lot easier if I was not a cross dresser. I accept myself, but, I still have to deal with others who do not share my beliefs. I do not live in a vacuum unto myself.

    The only recommendation I have for anyone is to reject anyone who has toxic thoughts about anything; sexuality, sexual orientation, race, creed, color, national origin. Cleanse your soul of any mal thoughts about others or else you're no better than those who do not like who you are.

  23. #23
    Sort of a n00b Pixie_94's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2017
    Location
    Costa Rica
    Posts
    194
    Steffi. I have actually found a theapist who doesn't see anything wrong with it and deemed my social environment as not the best one, however, I couldn't keep going to other sessions, yet. Also, that about having the talk early in a relationship with a woman sounds a bit risky/scary, to be honest (still unsure if it would be humilliation/roasting fuel).

    Teresa. About some things related to this being like a battle where some help may be needed, I think I'm recently getting to understand that point. I'm done with carrying it all by myself.

    Gretchen. Me being a bit female? Could you explain this? I mean, I may have a somewhat wide hip (compared to the average in guys), but that's it, my body is actually pretty masculine and even a bit rough in some features.

    Stephanie. Funny that you mention that on the last paragraph and that at least regarding sexuality, I'm afraid of it in general.

  24. #24
    Silver Member Sometimes Steffi's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    Nation's Capital
    Posts
    4,654
    Quote Originally Posted by Pixie_94 View Post
    Steffi. I have actually found a therapist who doesn't see anything wrong with it and deemed my social environment as not the best one, however, I couldn't keep going to other sessions, yet. Also, that about having the talk early in a relationship with a woman sounds a bit risky/scary, to be honest (still unsure if it would be humilliation/roasting fuel).
    If you're really a CD or trans, and won't be happy any other way, have the talk early, and if she's not going too be accepting, move on. As you'll read here, it's hard enough finding an accepting woman without wasting a couple of years on one who will never accept. However, if you're bigender,you can try to suppress the other side, and go with the flow.

    As for humiliation, you can't be humiliated if you really accept yourself. Easy for me to say, but not do. I live in two compartmentalized worlds: boy world and girl world. Very few know about me in both worlds.

    My wife didn't catch me until we had been married about 30 years. She some things that were very hurtful, Number one on the list is that she probably wouldn't have married me if she had known about me before getting married. She tolerates, but will never accept. Like eating a lemon, she'll always make faces. Maybe she thinks I don't see them, but I do. I'm just confident enough where I am that I can live without her acceptance. I'm kind of an old coot; if she were younger, she would likely get a divorce and re-enter the dating pool.
    Hi, I'm Steffi and I'm a crossdresser... And I accept and celebrate both sides of me. Or, maybe I'm gender fluid.

  25. #25
    Sort of a n00b Pixie_94's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2017
    Location
    Costa Rica
    Posts
    194
    Yeah, maybe I'll try to be as busy as possible, so I don't even think of getting a gf or marrying.

    Also, Steffi. Bigender? I looked for the definition, but even like that, I don't understand it. Though, I also guess it would have been a source of confusion for me years ago.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  


Check out these other hot web properties:
Catholic Personals | Jewish Personals | Millionaire Personals | Unsigned Artists | Crossdressing Relationship
BBW Personals | Latino Personals | Black Personals | Crossdresser Chat | Crossdressing QA
Biker Personals | CD Relationship | Crossdressing Dating | FTM Relationship | Dating | TG Relationship


The crossdressing community is one that needs to stick together and continue to be there for each other for whatever one needs.
We are always trying to improve the forum to better serve the crossdresser in all of us.

Browse Crossdressers By State