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Thread: Why come out to friends??

  1. #1
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    Why come out to friends??

    I can understand the want/need to come out to family, but WHY, for what reasons, do many of us want to come out to friends? What's the deep reasoning? What do you have to gain? I'm only out to forum sisters and a blood sister.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member kimdl93's Avatar
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    It seems that the deep reasoning would be that we are social creatures and have a need for interaction with others. If dressing is simply a solitary habit and a person is satisfied with engaging in it in private, that is fine, but many of us want to express this part of ourselves and experience life with and among friends, as we are. Its basically a way of acknowledging a truth about ourselves and with a bit of luck, having that truth accepted by others.
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  3. #3
    I accept myself as is Gillian Gigs's Avatar
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    I'm going on a limb a little bit here. We all have a need to be loved and accepted, so we may be seeking to be accepted for this particular side of us that many of us keep hidden.
    I like myself, regardless of the packaging that I may come in! It's what is on the inside of the package that counts!

  4. #4
    Sunshine Gal AngelaYVR's Avatar
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    When I was still new at this game I did feel the need to tell people who really did not have to know. I think it is a variation of pink fog. It is at the moment where you have accepted yourself and now want others to know.

    I overcame those desires after getting out and about more. Making new friends who liked this side of me made it unnecessary to tell the old ones.

  5. #5
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    Why not?

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gillian Gigs View Post
    I'm going on a limb a little bit here. We all have a need to be loved and accepted, so we may be seeking to be accepted for this particular side of us that many of us keep hidden.
    And, what happens when this idea of sharing with friends blows up in your face and you lose those friends? I know there is going to be a retort that those people were not your friends anyway or worthy of your friendship. But, as social creatures we tend to gravitate towards people who share a common interest. If I have friends in a model railroad club, why would it be necessary to show up en femme, if I am a plain vanilla cross dresser? Or, if I do not intend to show up at the model railroading club en femme, why tell them anyway?

    If you do intend to reveal this side of yourself to friends, perhaps you should ask your wife if that is alright with her.

  7. #7
    Silver Member Micki_Finn's Avatar
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    So you can go out with them while dressed would be the obvious answer... am I missing something? Is there a trick to this question?

    And that “they don’t need to know” stuff is just an excuse to keep people at arms length when it comes to your dressing. They don’t NEED to know your birthday, or your favorite color, or your moms name, or your nationality, or ANY of the information we share with friends. That’s the difference between a friend and an acquaintance. An acquaintance you tell things to because they need to know. You tell friends things because you want them to know. It creates bonding and intimacy. By censoring yourself it just furthers the narrative that who we are is something to be ashamed of.
    Last edited by Micki_Finn; 06-14-2020 at 08:11 PM.

  8. #8
    Senior Member Pumped's Avatar
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    That is the only reason that makes sense to me. If you dress and go out you will want friends to know so you can be with them. The down side is many will not be as accepting as you think, some friends will drift away. Be prepared to make new friends!

    If you just dress at home, why bother tell anyone?

  9. #9
    🌑🌘🌗🌖🌕🌔🌓🌒🌑 Patience's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jenny22 View Post
    I can understand the want/need to come out to family, but WHY, for what reasons, do many of us want to come out to friends? What's the deep reasoning? What do you have to gain? I'm only out to forum sisters and a blood sister.
    When I came out to my friends, I got the relief of not feeling like I was hiding anymore, not to mention the support of people who I knew my back on this. Some of us, myself included can't (or don't want to) take that risk with family.

    If you lose a friend, you can make new ones. You can't do that with family. Is this so hard to understand?
    ...throw off those chains of Reason and your prison disappears...

  10. #10
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    Yeah, I don't get it either... I mean unless you are going out dressed or in the process transition why bother?

  11. #11
    Senior Member Majella St Gerard's Avatar
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    Why not? I am who I am, why should I hide. I am not ashamed of who I am, not like so many others. I don't broadcast it but I also don't hide it. I live MY life and don't allow anyone to dictate how I do it. Like it or not, I don't care.

  12. #12
    Aspiring Member Kimberly A.'s Avatar
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    Well Jenny, so far I've only told one friend about my CD'ing?? To be honest, I just wanted her opinion on it, plus I just felt the need to come out to her because I needed to talk to someone else about it. Although it is likely that I'll never meet this friend face-to-face, (I know her from a chat room, but I've spoken with her on the phone), because she lives in California. I knew she would be understanding and accepting of my CD'ing. She and I are pretty close as friends and we go back quite a few years. Btw, this friend is a GG. LOL

    Plus, I felt a whole lot better knowing that someone close to me knows that I'm CD'er. And sorta piggy-backing off of what Patience said, I could NEVER come out to family, because they would call me the dreaded "F" word or "Q" word and I HOPE I don't have to say what those words mean. LOL
    Last edited by Kimberly A.; 06-15-2020 at 12:11 AM.
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  13. #13
    Aspiring Member MonicaPVD's Avatar
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    There are varying degrees of coming out to our friends in search of acceptance. It's one thing to share a part of who we are with people and something completely different to shove it down their throats. That's when you lose friends.

  14. #14
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    Jenny,
    Are you just wanting to come out to friends or do you wish to socialise with them dressed ? Telling someone is a whole lot different to being with them .

    Back to the question , some are more than happy to remain in the closet , no one knows and that suits them . during my gender counselling I knew I wanted to be out as Teresa , once I'd accepted that I needed other people to accpet it . The first step was finding a social group , safety in numbers if you like to gain my confidence . The meetings were in hotels so the general public were seeing me and , I felt OK with . I was desparate to widen the net , what was really wrong with being seen ? Moving on and being totally out is still working fine , I have lost very few old friends and gained many more new ones .

    The downside is if you're in a DADT situation sharing mutual friends is trickier , you could put some people in a difficult situation as I found to my cost , some very close friends did let me down badly , I still don't know their true motive , I guess this is where you discover your true friends .

    Just to pick up on Monica's point , just because they know doesn't mean they want to talk about it all the time , if they wish to ask questions that's fine but do try and find the right answers .
    Last edited by Teresa; 06-15-2020 at 07:18 AM.

  15. #15
    Member VS Fan's Avatar
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    Personally for me it was a simple desire to be “known” fully. In a quasi DADT situation, I had select friends that I felt would accept this side of me... and while it’s not something I shove in their faces if you don’t have friends that truly know you, are they really even meaningful friends at that point? It’s the same with our SOs... if you’re hiding this from them, how can you truly feel comfortable in that relationship, constantly hiding something.... even if it’s not a full time thing. My reveal went great, thankfully.
    Kelly a.k.a. VS Fan

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    Aspiring Artist Kelly DeWinter's Avatar
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    I'm like a lot of people here, I just want to be me as I am, Some times it's funny to think of how clothing affects peoples views, Punk Rockers in their black shirts,hair,makeup and piercings caused quite a stir years ago, These days no one blinks an eye.
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  17. #17
    Sort of a n00b Pixie_94's Avatar
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    Sometimes friends are way more accepting than family.

  18. #18
    Reality Check Krisi's Avatar
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    It's my strong belief that it's best to not tell anyone who needs to know. Your wife or serious long term girlfriend needs to know of course and will likely guard your secret.

    If you want to tell your friends, that's your decision but a lot of bad things can happen to a known crossdresser. Once you ring the ball, you can't "unring" it.
    Krisi

  19. #19
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    The "why" seems pretty simple to me. No matter where you consider yourself to be on the TG "spectrum", that place you occupy there is a part of who you are. Generally, those close to us, family and friends, are those with whom we should be most able to be ourselves. It is normal to want to "be yourself".

    OP's question arises out of the fact that for many, the sharing of that detail about one's self will change the nature of the relationship. Some may be uncomfortable. Others will outright reject us. And that's where it gets complicated, quickly. It's easy to say something like, "If they reject you, they are not 'friends' worth having." In general, I would agree. We get to choose our friends. Family though, is another matter. So too, are employers and coworkers. Those are just two classes of valid reasons for not sharing freely, but I will acknowledge that the calculus around "should I share or not" is an highly individual one. So... take care with that "bell that you can't un-ring".
    "Being honest may not get you a lot of friends, but it will always get you the right ones."
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  20. #20
    Aspiring Member Star01's Avatar
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    From my perspective as a newer member and dadt stealthy crossdresser still trying to find her place and sort things out the desire to come out to friends is confusing. By way of clarification I never realized there were so many crossdressers who went out in public before I joined this forum. I joined thinking I would learn some ways to better cope with my secret kink but soon found that the conversations were much more than I expected. That can likely be attributed to my rural location and age, I'm out of touch with these things and am still learning.

    With that bit of background my observation is that the crossdressing section has a wide range of participants from people like me up to and including all the way up to former crossdressers who are transitioning after realizing they were more than crossdressers. I point this out as a reason that the advice and perspectives are so varried and not as something negative.

    As far as telling friends I have a couple who I got to know specifically as fellow crossdressers but would never think of telling anyone else. In my case it would be letting friends from my everyday life in on my secret life and I have no reason to do that as a secretive crossdresser. The only reason I would tell everyone is it I decided that I needed to transition and was going to live as a woman. I am looking at this from my perspective so mine is not a one size fits all approach. There is a tremendous amount of experience here and every story is different so there is no right or wrong approach.

  21. #21
    Weirdest woman ever! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    I'm a closet dresser. Meaning only my immediate family and maybe the + or - 300 T's that I've met at T friendly events and venues know about Sherry.

    I once made the mistake of telling a life long, on and off girlfriend, about Sherry. After staying in touch over 30 years, we no longer speak!

    Now, I tell people on a "need to know" basis.
    Since I have NO DESIRE TO DRESS EVERY DAY, why should I tell my vanilla friends and associates?
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

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  22. #22
    Aspiring Member jacques's Avatar
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    hello Jenny,
    My crossdressing is not secret, but it is private. I don't feel the need to come out, but (I hope) not lie about it. Similarly I do not feel the need to tell all my friends (or share here) about my religion, politics, hobbies &c. unless it is relevant to a particular relationship.
    However, if I dressed in public, then I think it would be polite to discuss it with friends before turning up on their doorstep cross-dressed.
    Stay healthy,
    Luv J

  23. #23
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    Obviously, we all dress for different reasons. If one found that their reasons for dressing conflicted with their lifestyle otherwise, it might be necessary to open up (as some on here will attest to - myself included - dressing isn?t always a choice).

    For instance, my parents outed me on the advice of a counsellor because my dressing at that point was getting to be out of control and the counsellor felt that the only way to resolve the issue was to essentially make it a non-issue through ?full immersion?.

    It didn?t work, but it did mean everyone I knew found out and what?s more, saw the evidence.

  24. #24
    🌑🌘🌗🌖🌕🌔🌓🌒🌑 Patience's Avatar
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    The counselor advised your parents to out you? What were they hoping to achieve?
    ...throw off those chains of Reason and your prison disappears...

  25. #25
    Member Genni's Avatar
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    I came out to my closest friends because crossdressing is a big part of who I am - and I did not want to keep that part secret. I knew that they would be supportive, or else I might not have made that decision (but then again, they would not be as close of friends if they lacked tolerance). In my world that is what friends do - we support one another and grow together.

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