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Thread: Shocked,Angry but mostly Saddened.

  1. #1
    Banned Read only Vicky_Scot's Avatar
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    Jul 2006
    Bonnie Scotland

    Shocked,Angry but mostly Saddened.

    Had my family over for a fathers day/birthday barbacue yesterday (social distancing obviously) and do not know how or why the conversation took on a discussion about transexuals people and crossdressers.

    I always thought i had brought my kids up to be open minded and accepting adults but I was shocked when the conversation turned very transphobic with words like weirdos,freaks etc being banded about and comments like what ever they are, made me feel uncomfortable, annoyed but mostly sad that my kids thought this way.

    A couple of other family members outwith my direct family were even more disrespectful saying they should be locked up, they look more manly than me etc. Have you seen the tranny that works in this shop was another topic for laughter and ridicule. I sat and just took it in thinking wow and then eventually asked, what if your kid came to you and said they were trans or crossdressed would you disown them? The response was of course not and I replied your all bloody hypocrites then as you have all just sat here taking the piss out of them.

    I have been toying with the idea of coming out to family members for a while but after what I heard yesterday I think that will not be happening.

    X x x

  2. #2
    🌑🌘🌗🌖🌕🌔🌓🌒🌑 Patience's Avatar
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    Feb 2018
    ...and that's why coming out to family is a bad idea.

    Happy father's day.
    ...throw off those chains of Reason and your prison disappears...

  3. #3
    Senior Member NancySue's Avatar
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    Jun 2016
    Southern Illinois
    Sorry to read your story. Depending on where you live, I think it?s a bad idea to come out at all. We live in a smaller town. Discovery would be a disaster. After golf, our foursome had our usual beer and brats. We got to talking about hunting in cold weather. One of the guys admitted he wore pantyhose to keep warm. He?s still trying to live his revelation down. I said nothing, but if they only knew....not good.

  4. #4
    Senior Member BrendaPDX's Avatar
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    May 2016
    Portland, Oregon
    Hi Vicky, I am sorry to hear that about your kids, guess we know why tigers eat their young. The nice thing is we all have the opportunity to grow, maybe they will come around. Thanks for sharing.

  5. #5
    Banned Read only
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    Dec 2013
    The only way we can stop this happening is by coming out , OK I appreciate you put yourself in the firing line . I have no regrets about everyone knowing , it usually stops all these transphobia comments . I TOTALLY agree they can appear hypocrites until they know the truth , I've found then people have come out to me and also people have told me about work colleagues or friends who are TG . I'm lucky , my daughter totally accepts me and she invited me for Sunday lunch to celebrate Father's Day .

    All this depends on if you are still in the closet or out in the RW , personally I've not had a single transphobic comment from anyone apart from my wife .

  6. #6
    Aspiring Member Fran Moore's Avatar
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    Mar 2009
    I can totally relate to this Vicky, and yes the word for it is "sad"........

    You must first find yourself before you can discover your future-

  7. #7
    Platinum Member kimdl93's Avatar
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    Jan 2010
    I commend you on putting this back on them. Perhaps those present will think about the intolerance and heartlessness of their comments. That would likely not have happened if you had remained silent.
    Have you the belief that the road ahead
    Ascends off into some lights

  8. #8
    Aspiring Member Angela1954's Avatar
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    Feb 2015
    It is such a tough call; and whether to do it or not depends on each individuals situation. I know that I could never come out. My wife (2nd time around) knows and is tolerant but she would definitely want other to know. My children would not take it well. We all have to balance our choices carefully. Mine is to not reveal myself.

  9. #9
    GG Dutchess's Avatar
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    Jan 2009
    Los Angeles
    Hi Vicky ,
    I was passing by on my way to the FAB forum and I guess its rather timely .
    I just wanted to implore you to please be careful and mindful of your own safety , I know you are but still . In a perfect world yes, everyone should be more tolerant or accepting but most o us live in world that is far from that . Where I originally came from in Texas , being this way could cost you your life and no amount of coming out will change this so I am very sensitive to keeping loved ones safe .
    My wild wayward ex husband I guess has not checked in with his family in the Netherlands for some time , as my rude bigoted ex dutch FIL messaged me on FB Saturday, my time, ahead of fathers day asking if Id heard from him . I said no actually not in a few years. He said that If I did will I please tell him to either message , call or come home ( to the Netherlands ) and be a grandfather . I said I would and he THEN said that I needed to make sure he knew not to come home "looking like that " or else he would get a "real beating " . I got the idea that I dont think he cares whether he ever comes back to Holland but his instead wanted to make sure he conveyed that nasty opinion on alt lifestyles .
    Then an old MC friend of his in Finland that gets scary hostile about it .

    So yeah , as much support as you get here , the real world is not so much and it is not worth your life to prove otherwise .
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  10. #10
    Gold Member Helen_Highwater's Avatar
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    Jan 2010
    Midlands UK

    I would urge caution in assuming that your kids were totally onboard with what was being said. Social pressure to conform is a powerful force and it's a brave soul to go against the tribe. If the conversation is lead by a strong personality often sheep will follow.

    I would suggest you talk to your kids when there's just them and you. Tell them of your surprise to their responses and ask them what makes them feel that way if the even actually do. Let them know you thought they had been brought up to be better than that and that you were disappointed to hear them respond in such a manner. It's never too late to give guidance to children.

    Make your case for tolerance, ask them to explain why they responded as they did, the reasoning behind it. I find often it's just herd mentality that's at the root of such things and no real thought has gone into why someone holds any given position. Once you ask for reasons and non are forthcoming then the argument is yours.
    Who dares wears Get in, get out without being noticed

  11. #11
    Davina Katherine Davina Katherine's Avatar
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    Oct 2019
    Youngstown Ohio
    I'm not speaking for or against coming out to anyone.

    But it saddens my heart every time I read another example of the fearfulness we are forced to live under.

  12. #12
    Platinum Member
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    Oct 2010
    Western Washington
    Sorry you had a bad Father's Day. I have told more than one friend/acquaintance people will speak their minds when they are alone with people with whom they think are of the same beliefs as their own. A neighbor told me recently she noticed I tend to just sit back and let people hang themselves. They assume, if you say nothing, you are one of them. My brother reminded me of our grandmother's sound advice. "A spoken word cannot be unsaid!" Many people, when in public, will be politically correct. In private? Well, you experienced it.

    I have always taken the position my cross dressing is a private affair because that is my comfort zone. However, I am vocal when coming to the defense of any person's rights to be who they are. It was nice to see our United States Supreme Court affirm the rights of gays and lesbians and transgender men and women.

    I would suggest discussing their behavior and confronting their discriminatory beliefs. You do not have to "out" yourself. If you do, then you're only going to get "politically correct" responses.
    Last edited by Stephanie47; 06-23-2020 at 07:22 PM. Reason: spelling

  13. #13
    Junior Member
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    May 2020
    Bristol, UK
    I?m sorry that happened, Vicky. It never fails to amaze me how conservative people?s views are when it comes to a man?s role, what he should and shouldn?t like (and wear for that matter).

    In the last one hundred years the acceptance of what women can do and how women should dress has changed beyond recognition and yet the same public perceptions of genetic males seem not to have moved on at all.

    Ultimately, a father is defined by the role they played in the birth of a child, not whether they were skirts or trousers at weekends. I?ve always been very insistent that I am a person, not a gender.

    Hope things work out for you.

  14. #14
    Senior Member Jean 103's Avatar
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    May 2013
    Central Coast, CA
    Pretty much typical, prejudice, closed minded, people.

    Basically this is a lot of what is wrong with the world in general. Passing judgement with little or no information. Wanting everyone to be the same as they are, fearing anything that is different.

    I guess you did want you could.

    You may be able to change their minds, but without coming out I don't think it will happen. Even then there is no guarantee.

    I have changed and/or influenced many people. I have done this by simply being out, being myself, and letting them get to know me. Some are easier than others, still it takes time.

    Here is the problem, (guessing) most people likely know and/or have met someone from our community but don't know it, because most are in the closet, or stay in the shadows.

    Family have addition complications to overcome, as a member of this or any group there are expectations. It's been seen here many times.
    Last edited by Jean 103; 06-22-2020 at 01:33 PM.

  15. #15
    Enby Member Krea's Avatar
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    Feb 2017
    Kent, England. UK
    Vicky, it's very sad that this sort of attitude still exists, but you did the best thing by challenging their remarks and putting them right. Good for you!

  16. #16
    Platinum Member Shelly Preston's Avatar
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    Aug 2005
    You just never know how people will react until confronted with any given situation.

    They said they would not disown their kids, but I would not bet on that either. (however you will know them better than anyone here)

    I agree it is sad. Sometimes it can be how the subject is raised, can lead to a herd mentality.

    There is a world of difference between

    "have you seen the tranny that works in the local shop" and "I see someone in the local shop is brave enough to be themselves"

    I have had similar conversations at work. I mostly reply by saying, you may not like it but what did they do to you.

    Coming out is a purely personal decision. It is worth remembering the old phrase. You can choose your friends not your family.

    Super Moderator....How to tell your partner......Abbreviations

  17. #17
    Weirdest woman ever! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    Sep 2007
    Orange County, Calif.
    Vicky, u don't mention the ages of your kids. Maybe they'll mature with age?

    Even if they're in their 20's, they've got a long way to go!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  18. #18
    Aspiring Member jacques's Avatar
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    Sep 2008
    East Yorkshire UK
    Hello Vicky,
    whether you are out or not - it's your house and your rules.
    If you don't like people (including family) being transphobic, racist, homophobic &c. you have the right to ask them to leave.
    My father was a bit racist - when he stayed here I made it clear that bigotry was not acceptable.
    stay healthy,
    luv J

  19. #19
    Join Date
    Jan 2018
    My grandma who is 85 or so. Is very transphobic. On top of being a very bitter old lady. If I didn't live with her. She would never know. The stuff she has said to me. I use to just let it roll off my back, but its gotten a lot worst. In the last few months.

    I wasn't planning on moving out so soon but I have no other choice. Will I see her once I move out. Probably not, and I don't care.

  20. #20
    Member Lux's Avatar
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    Oct 2010
    I’m sorry to hear about what happened to you. It truly was an awful way to spend your Father’s Day.

    I do agree with Helen Highwater in that a lot of kids will pick up on cues from adults as to how to answer. You should definitely circle back and speak with them next opportunity you have to clarify their beliefs.

    Not to put it back on you but I do believe parents have a role in teaching acceptance and being opened minded. At least once a year I have that conversation with my kids to see where they are at and answer any questions they have. I often tell them that I used to be pretty conservative and closed minded but that college was a great opportunity to learn about acceptance and also reinforcing the “Golden rule”. Other times I will remind them that if they were gay or trans that they know I would 100% still love and accept them. I don’t think you can say these things enough. Good luck!

  21. #21
    Member Helen Waite's Avatar
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    Apr 2006
    Yet some are adamant about chapping our hides for being afraid to be open and truthful to our spouses about our crossdressing. The behavior and attitudes Vicky described are quite prevalent, and give one justifiable fear about revealing to a spouse who has expressed similar opinions, and not knowing if they would keep such a revelation in confidence.

  22. #22
    Banned Read only
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    Dec 2013
    After reading the replies it is again apparent the acceptance gap between the UK and the US , although I would not be so naive to suggest the TG community are 100% safe in the UK . As far as the family is concerned you should hopefully be safe from violence , we are again looking at a lack of understanding , being TG isn't breaking any laws it's just coming to terms with our inner needs and feelings . So educating is the only way forward for you and the rest of our community , we don't have to live outside it , we can integrate perfectly well within it as I've persoanlly discovered . Maybe you should ask the question do you want to live a secret hidden life for ever or do you wish to be open and honest with everyone ? Lets not forget you aren't the only one who has these needs , often the ones making the most noise maybe covering something up .

  23. #23
    Silver Member
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    Jan 2016
    Orange County, California
    Rereading your thread, since 'family' was invited to your BBQ, I'm guessing your children were adults. Other family types were very vocal in their negative comments, and that may have been the trigger for your children to join the negative herd, not wanting to start a major argument on Father's Day. It's just a thought you might gently explore with your children.

  24. #24
    Danielle cdinmd206's Avatar
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    Feb 2007
    Southern Maryland
    No matter how many laws are passed or how many people come out, there are going to be people who think negatively about cross dressing and other matters. No law can make someone change their minds, it only makes it illegal for them to discriminate against you. Not everyone is going to like and accept your cross dressing and the sooner you realize that the sooner you will be at piece with yourself.

  25. #25
    Platinum Member Angie G's Avatar
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    Jun 2006
    just west of syracuse n.y.
    That's not what I would like to hear.

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