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Thread: Been a difficult few months....

  1. #1
    Member Jemima Stephens's Avatar
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    Been a difficult few months....

    Hi Girls
    not been here for a while as my Wife confronted me in March about my dressing (just before lockdown). I had probably pushed things a little far (as predicted by some of you in my 'What can you get away with' thread) and it was actually a pair of reading glasses that caused the pot to boil over. (lovely round ones from the lady's section at Primark)

    It was a difficult conversation and I was just completely honest, especially my motives - which were around stress relief and 'stepping out of myself' and that immense feeling of peace you get when dressed. I did re-iterate time and time again that it was not a sexual thing, which I think she started to understand.

    Her initial reaction was surprising - we would stay together until my son finishes school next year and then we would go our separate ways, if she wasn't giving me what I wanted then she wasn't going to live a lie.

    We spoke many times and she appreciated my honesty, i told her that i would stop and get rid of all of my clothes - our marriage was too important, but she kept saying that perhaps I shouldn't rush into it and perhasp I needed to work it through. But, if I did want to continue then she would leave.

    This hurt and I did ask her if she was just using this as an excuse to end the marriage, which she said wasn't the case. but to her, the betrayal and dishonesty over all these years was the hardest part.

    Things cooled down and we got back on an even keel, we probably haven't spoken about it since early April.

    When I had an empty house I went through my clothes and put around half of them into a charity collection, as I didn't want her to see the full extent of my shopping habit over the past 4 years and kept the rest hidden.

    I had not dressed since - until today

    I am under a lot of pressure at work, I have a rare empty house (Wife at work and my son in School) and the knowledge that with my daughter and her boyfriend moving in tonight after finishing their University year, this will probably be my last chance for another 2 months....

    I have had the opportunity to dress a few times over the past couple of months, but have managed to suppress the urges, either by coming on here to have a quick look through, or playing the 'Covet Fashion' Phone game, which is a silly fashion dress up thing.

    but the Pink Mist descended today and, whilst I only dressed for 40 mins, and in a small selection of my clothes (I have put too much weight on to fit in a lot of them!) I have that lovely peaceful inner feeling again.

    Thanks Girls, for keeping me going and posting your photos, I will have another chat with my Wife at some point over the summer to see if her thinking has moved on and her mind opened at all

    In the meantime I need to start slimming down so I can wear my favourite skirts and dresses if she is more agreeable to it by the Autumn!

    Jemima xx

  2. #2
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    Jemima,
    I was a little surprised all the fuss was over seeing femme glasses , OK she now knows more details .

    So often we see a familiar pattern , the same things being said , I can recall much of what you describe . For some once the words are spoken the damage is done , there really is no going back , you can make all the promises in the World but she now has her doubts about you needs . I also questioned if it was an excuse to end the marriage , if true deep feelings were there it can work itself out but I found those feelings weren't there so it became apparent we were just living a lie , going through the motions for the sake of the children .

    I guess it's time to sit down and truthfully look at your needs , to me the important point to remember is most of us are born with this trait and we're stuck with it for life. You are dealing with a very powerful driving force , denying and suppressing is only a short term answer , to try and stop to save a marriage is being unfair to both of you , you are entitled to a happy life as well not a World of compromise .

    Personally I have no regrets I have lost very little and gained so much , my divorce is almost through my kids are OK with me , I have more friends than I had before , I'm enjoying shaping up a new home to suit me , I have to life is good after so many years .

  3. #3
    Senior Member Jean 103's Avatar
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    My crystal ball is a little foggy, but if you don't get a handle on this you are likely to end up like Teresa, me and many others.

    I love my wife and family, still there is no going back for me. I can't undo what has been done.

    Your wife has given you her position and has a plan. If you read these pages you will see without some change this is your path.

  4. #4
    Member Jemima Stephens's Avatar
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    Thanks Ladies, some good thoughts there. I think her initial reaction was against a backdrop of some other discussions we had had over the past year around the sexual side of the relationship, she is extremely vanilla and I am not, and once I had removed that from the discussion it was a little easier.

    Having been together for 31 happy years, I know that sometimes the best thing is to discuss it, leave it for a while for her to think and then have a discussion, rinse and repeat, she then has time to do research and form her view.

    We are just seeing the light at the end of the tunnel after 10 tough years financially putting the kids through private school so are looking forward to fun times as a couple- lockdown has been a slight fly in that ointment!

    I don't know whether to tell her about my slip today or just keep quiet until September, when my daughter has left home again and my son is back in School, to pick up the discussion. I feel the latter might be better with all the emotion of my daughter coming home tonight and knowing I am in drab lockdown for the next 2 months

  5. #5
    New Member MissAlexisRae's Avatar
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    I can really sympathize with your situation. It reminds me of my ex-wife. For a long time, it was a DADT situation, and ANY notion of it from hints of makeup usage to the wrong comment about a trans character on TV resulted in a tense couple of days.

    You’ll have to decide how much fear you’re willing to live under and how important things are to you. As you’ve got mostly grown kids, you don’t have to worry about drawn-out custody battles like I did, so that’s great. Just do right by yourself, as cruel as that may sound. You’ve clearly committed to your family and wife, and if 31 years of commitment isn’t proof enough, toughing it out for another year or so isn’t going to be worth it, especially since she seems fairly set that she’s on her way out anyway.

  6. #6
    Gold Member Helen_Highwater's Avatar
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    Jeminma,

    if she wasn't giving me what I wanted then she wasn't going to live a lie. This stuck me as being significant. Has she elaborated upon how she feels she isn't giving you what you want? You've explained it's not sexual, you're not looking for bedroom games so, and I've used this analogy before, if you take up golf and you're playing every spare minute you can, would the same sentence also be true?

    You have opened a channel of conversation and I feel you need to delve deeper into what it truly is she finds so difficult to cope with. It's written so many times here that societal concepts of what's right and what's wrong especially around things such as this, are deeply embedded in us especially those with a few more years under the belt. In our childhood all things associated with what we would now class as LGBTQ were ridiculed, cruelly parodied and mocked so it's no wonder it's hard to show understanding for some of mature years.

    I'm not a huge fan of too easily resorting to counseling but it might be useful to get the right professional help.
    Who dares wears Get in, get out without being noticed

  7. #7
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    Before you have another conversation with your wife, you would be well advised to engage in long and serious reflection upon what it is that you want. If more freedom to dress is what you want, then be prepared for the worst. While it is possible that your wife may have moderated in her views since your last conversations, do not bet on it.
    Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.

    Eleanor Roosevelt

  8. #8
    Silver Member Sandi Beech's Avatar
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    Jemima
    Your wife sounds kind of like mine. There is no amount of discussion I can do with my wife such that I am permitted wear anything feminine around her - even if just to sleep in. Some people may eventually make progress, but mine will not budge so the only dressIng time I can have is when one of us is away from home. It is not a good situation and I can not recommend it, but it was my only way of dealing with it.

    Best wishes. Take care. I hope you can find some path to success.

    Sandi

  9. #9
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    I don't know what to tell you to do or not to do. I read the common buzz words again; betrayal and dishonesty. Betrayal and dishonesty of what? I wish wives would give a more detailed explanation. What would have changed if you told her four years ago (out of 31 years of marriage) that cross dressing crept into your life? Would it be a case of "Do that and it's over!" I see so many of these situations wallowing in misconceptions, ignorance, speculation. No independent inquiry by a wife as to what cross dressing is all about and the motivations and expectations of her husband. Just toss it all away at the drop of a hat.

  10. #10
    Member Jemima Stephens's Avatar
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    Thanks for your comments and advice Ladies, there are a lot of moving parts to her past and our relationship that I won't delve into now, but suffice to say that we have a very strong relationship outwardly and deep down, but there are some wrinkles around the edges that keep being put to one side due to more pressing matters/issues

    I am hoping that as we move forward, and we are well down the road to sorting a lot of the major issues in our life, we can get back to being a couple again and working out what we both need and want from the relationship.

    In the meantime I need to do some thinking about who I want to be

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