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Thread: Now that I know that I'am actually going through with it..

  1. #1
    Bad Influence mechamoose's Avatar
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    Now that I know that I'am actually going through with it..

    Now that I'm 1 week in to HRT.

    I have identified as non-binary for almost 30 years. 70% of my wardrobe is women's clothing already. People notice when I *don't* paint my nails. I have long hair half way down my back, and a full maintained beard. I'm 6'2", 220#. Internally I have always felt like a little girl driving around in a monster truck.

    My PCP of 15 years actually asked ME the question about 6 months back. "I know your background, what do you think about gender. Are you interested in any changes?"

    My immediate response was "If the options that exist now were around 20 years ago, then yes. I have kind of made peace with it the way it is"

    Then it bothered me for the next week. I had to admit that if the options were there 20 years ago, I was not in the mental place to have done it then. My life had changed, I was now a year into being on my own.. I had spent my life fulfilling obligations and roles, and I needed to do something to take care of myself. With the world the way it is I'm going to be more or less isolated for the next year due to the virus anyway..so. I called my PCP back and asked for a consult.

    I had been to a gender therapist before. Unfortunately, I was still a very active alcoholic at the time, and a lot of the discussion ended up being about that. I didn't have the path or drive to put down alcohol yet. (I'm now 19 months sober, thanks Rational Recovery) I was set up with a new therapist. I met with a psychiatrist, and then finally I met with the endocrinologist. I'm now on a low does Estradiol for the first month. After that the doc will do bloodwork and we will talk about changes in dosage and when to introduce Spiro. (I'm inclined to put that off a bit based on what I'm reading)

    So, I'm changing the role I will play to the world, not who I am. I'm still working things out, though. I have two dear friends who have already gone through the process (one fully, one just hormones & minor surgery) who have taken me under their wing. I'm excited and nervous, but my instincts are telling me to keep going.
    Last edited by Nigella; 06-29-2020 at 10:19 AM. Reason: Doses of medications are not permitted on the forum
    - Madame 'Kitty' Moose

    I yam what I yam and tha's all what I yam." -- Popeye the Sailor

    "If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And when I am for myself, what am 'I'? And if not now, when?"

    - Hillel the Elder

  2. #2
    Aspiring Member JocelynJames's Avatar
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    MM,
    I hope this works out for you . I hadn?t seen you here for some time and was concerned. I am glad you?re here and look forward to posts on progress. Not In relation to my own life, I just like reading others? stories. Be well.
    Last edited by JocelynJames; 06-29-2020 at 10:49 AM.
    If you only knew the power of the pink fog! ~Joss

  3. #3
    Senior Member Laura912's Avatar
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    Kitty, bon voyage.

  4. #4
    Princess Candice candykowal's Avatar
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    Congrats on being sober, working out life's challenges, and finally taking the time to be true to yourself.
    It is kind of interesting to read about your "wait a minute???"....moment when you realized, why not!
    I think taking advantage of these times, for yourself is great.
    Wishing you all the best!

  5. #5
    Aspiring Member Maid_Marion's Avatar
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    Hi Kitty,

    Great to hear that you have been sober for 19 months! Congratulations.

    Good luck with the HRT.

    Marion

  6. #6
    Bad Influence mechamoose's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JocelynJames View Post
    MM,
    I hope this works out for you . I hadn?t seen you here for some time and was concerned. I am glad you?re here and look forward to posts on progress. Not I relation to my own life, I just like reading others? stories. Be well.
    I took a break for a while because I was going through an impatient period

    Life has been busy, and not always in good ways. I'm safe, and my family is mostly healthy.
    Last edited by Nigella; 06-29-2020 at 10:21 AM. Reason: You can still be "modslapped", moderation is not for the open board :)
    - Madame 'Kitty' Moose

    I yam what I yam and tha's all what I yam." -- Popeye the Sailor

    "If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And when I am for myself, what am 'I'? And if not now, when?"

    - Hillel the Elder

  7. #7
    Gold Member Lana Mae's Avatar
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    MM, missed you and your posts! Best wishes on this new leg of your journey! Hugs Lana Mae
    Life is worth living!
    "Foxy lady! You look so good!!" Jimi Hendrix

  8. #8
    Aspiring Member mbmeen12's Avatar
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    The moose is loose and fantastic for you.....
    HRT 12th week....

  9. #9
    Little Mrs. Snarky! Nadine Spirit's Avatar
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    My best to you sweets!
    Last edited by Nadine Spirit; 07-02-2020 at 06:55 AM.

  10. #10
    Bad Influence mechamoose's Avatar
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    and that's another thing.. "Kitty".

    Kitty was a nickname my wife gave me, and I just went with it.

    Now, this is going to sound all hand-wavey to some of you... but I have had, for as long as I can remember, a "little voice". Usually it was silent, but occasionally it would speak up and say something like "Go here", or "call so-and-so", or "don't do that"... almost like someone was standing next to me.

    That voice was right 100% of the time. My best example. I was working for Monsanto Chemical as an analytical chemist. I smoked weed, and I often packed a pipe and put it in my coat for when I got out of work. One evening I was packing up to leave and my voice said "leave the pot at home". I thought.. well, yah.. I guess.. "LEAVE IT AT HOME". Ok.

    I pulled out of the driveway, stopped at the gas station. Two unmarked police cars boxed me in, and me and my car were searched. They thought I came from the house next door where a dealer lived. My voice saved me.

    Now, the point of all this.

    I was talking with my therapist, and he said "If you take this to its conclusion, what you thought of a name?"

    >>Instantly<< Little voice: "ANNE. My name is Anne."

    "Anne" I repeated to the therapist.

    I will be bringing this up to both my therapist and psychiatrist when we next speak, but that voice has never been wrong.
    - Madame 'Kitty' Moose

    I yam what I yam and tha's all what I yam." -- Popeye the Sailor

    "If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And when I am for myself, what am 'I'? And if not now, when?"

    - Hillel the Elder

  11. #11
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    I was 6'2" 230 when I decided to transition...or better said, when transition decided what it was going to do to me

    That voice is something I experienced to although it didnt feel like a little girl...it felt like an angry frustrated confused person.

    i had a lot of back and forth, and then more back and forth before starting HRT and going forward.

    I will say that once i took the big step, started HRT and "decided", there was not moment when i looked back and felt like changing my mind.

    THat may not be what you experience, but keep listening to that voice. Nice to meet you Anne
    I am real

  12. #12
    Bad Influence mechamoose's Avatar
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    "Nice to meet you Anne"

    That felt nice, thank you.
    - Madame 'Kitty' Moose

    I yam what I yam and tha's all what I yam." -- Popeye the Sailor

    "If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And when I am for myself, what am 'I'? And if not now, when?"

    - Hillel the Elder

  13. #13
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Anne, aka MM,
    I totally agree once on this road a more usable name maybe a small step to some but a sensible one , we have to start thinking about our identity and what we wish other people to accept us as .

    My painting group don't like Teresa but are fine with Terri , if that's how they accept me I'm fine with that .
    The real me ,no going back.

  14. #14
    Silver Member ClosetED's Avatar
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    Glad to see you back, Anne.
    We moosed you
    Good to hear you found your path and have support near you.
    Hugs, Ellen

  15. #15
    Aspiring Member
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    Hi Anne,

    I'm glad to see you are back, and doing well. Good luck with HRT. I suggest to not start on spiro until you see the results on your T level from estrogen alone. I never started on spiro, and turned out that I didn't need to. My T is low, and E is high (IM injections made a huge difference for my levels).

    About that internal voice - I keep listening to it, and it was right all along when it comes to transition from the first appointment to the endocrinologist to all the coming out moments, to living freely. I am so glad I listened to it and overcome the fears. It is like each time it was proven right, it gave me courage to take the next step, bigger than the previous one.

    Good luck!
    Katya

  16. #16
    Gold Member Lana Mae's Avatar
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    Welcome back, Anne!
    Life is worth living!
    "Foxy lady! You look so good!!" Jimi Hendrix

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