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Thread: When did you know the urge was permanent?

  1. #1
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    Phoenix, Arizona

    When did you know the urge was permanent?

    There are certain stages of development in the life of a crossdresser, most of which (though not all) get plenty of discussion here. To put them in a roughly chronological framework:

    1.When and how we first take pleasure in putting on female clothes.

    2. When and how we first realize this urge is not going to go away.

    3. When and how we become comfortable with ourselves as a crossdresser, dismissing any needless guilt or shame.

    4. What we've done (or are doing) in consequence of all that.

    Obviously Items 1 and 4 are discussed here all the time, while Item 3 got some useful attention recently on this thread of Pixie's. But I haven't seen much discussion of Item 2, the one I highlighted.

    While these stages may not always occur in the same order, it seems to me that Item 2 may for some be an essential prerequisite for Item 3. That's to say, if anyone suffers guilt or shame over crossdressing, they may not get over it unless they accept that the urge is permanent, forcing them to come to terms with it, which leads to a happier self-acceptance.

    As far as it's relevant to myself, I was prompted to talk about this by an excellent post from Susan on another thread, which read in part:

    Quote Originally Posted by Susan_onmydayoff View Post
    (Like when the pink fog hits?), some accept it indulge it and try to live and engage with it, some may reject it, purge and pretend it isnt there? Some may be troubled, guilty, ashamed of it and hope that with the love of a (new or) good woman that itll go away but most of us already know the outcome? Others may have a different view on it? Or for some, transition is the only outcome that fits for them?
    Certainly I was one of those guilt-ridden purgers. I started crossdressing by putting on my mother's skirt at twelve or thirteen, and soon I was into everything I could find: panties and bra, girdle and nylons, slips, blouses and dresses. As a teen with limited cash, I bought some female clothing and underwear of my own when I could afford it. At the same time I felt incredibly awkward about this addiction, and when an erotic dressing session reached its natural conclusion I couldn't wait to get out of female clothes and back into innocent male mode. I wished I could give it up.

    I know I purged at least once, possibly twice during my adolescent years and threw everything away. Yet the urge always came back, as it always does. Then I decided that if I couldn't give up the habit of dressing, it was more sensible to give up the habit of purging instead. So I did... for the time being!--and built up a fair wardrobe during my late teens and early 20s.

    But I still hadn't given up the habit of hoping it would all go away some day. Eventually I moved in with a girlfriend in what I hoped at the time might be a lifelong relationship. Relevant to Susan's post, I hoped that now I was sleeping with a woman every night and having regular sex, the "need" to dress would finally go away.

    Anyway I couldn't bring my female wardrobe with me. She would soon have discovered it, and I'm positive she would never have accepted my crossdressing. That's because I found she seemed to have a horror of anything she regarded as "unmasculine." Three examples will suffice:

    A certain politician was thought to have become emotional enough to shed a tear during a public speech. For this he was regrettably ridiculed by some members of the public. Unfortunately my girlfriend agreed with them and thought he was a "wimp." ("Real men don't cry," right?)

    On one occasion she criticized me simply for being "too chatty" with a male agent from whom we were renting a vehicle. (Real men are not only "strong," but "silent" and taciturn, right?)

    On another occasion while lying in bed on my back, naked, I crossed my legs in a fashion that concealed certain parts of my anatomy, giving a "female appearance" down there. Where others might have giggled, she was horrified at this and told me not to do it.

    Anyway I was sure that if she ever knew I crossdressed--let alone found me that way!--she would have gone screaming through the roof. So before we moved in together I undertook what I now call "the Great Purge." Seeing no alternative, I disposed of everything--a move I now greatly regret because I said goodbye to some irreplaceable items, including two dresses I'd made with my own hands.

    Well, we all know what happened next. The urge did not go away. While I no longer had female clothes of my own to wear, an apartment full of her clothes was far too much to resist. In a matter of weeks, when I had an hour or two alone in the apartment, I was soon into her panties and bras, skirts, blouses and dresses. Needless to say, I still felt awkward about doing so.

    As it happened, we split in less that a year--not over crossdressing, but other unrelated issues leaving us less compatible than I'd hoped. Which was just as well, because I found a wife who was much more accepting. But the "Great Purge" was also my last. I wish I'd left those clothes in my mother's house now and shipped them back to me when I moved to a new place.

    More to the point, I finally realized this urge was never going to go away. Having realized that, I started another collection, and within a year or two, "magically" or otherwise, I found "guilt and shame" had disappeared. I was far more comfortable with the whole thing than I had ever been before, and able to explore and enjoy my "feminine side" more freely.

  2. #2
    Silver Member Kandi Robbins's Avatar
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    Very well written! When did a realize the urge was never going away? Five years old.

    When did I accept that the urge would never go away (big difference, as you know)? Fifty years old.

    Many similar feelings and experiences myself from reading your story.
    Visit Kandi's Land ( daily! Nothing but positive and uplifting posts!
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  3. #3
    Senior Member Tracy Irving's Avatar
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    Aug 2016
    The second time I put on my mothers panties.

  4. #4
    Gold Member Crissy 107's Avatar
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    Maryland, USA
    Interesting thread, I knew early on, around 8yo that I wanted to be a girl but it was not until 11-12 that I started to wear my moms things, panties, bras, OBG, stockings and then onto dresses and of course being worried I would get caught. Later on in late teens I started to buy a few of my own things.
    I really thought this urge would go away and I did try and suppress it for many years. Finally I knew it was in me to stay and about 7 years ago I knew I needed to accept it and have the talk with my wife. I did and in the beginning my wife was accepting, that changed to a DADT which is for another post.

  5. #5
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    1> I think I was 10 or 11 when I noticed one of the girls in my class was wearing a bra. I remember thinking "I should be wearing one of those too.".

    2> Probably in my early 20's when it really didn't turn me on sexually anymore.

    3> The shame was gone as soon as I came out to my wife and she accepted me. (IMHO, shame is mostly due to hiding)

    4> I have started my journey to transition and am currently %99 full time.

  6. #6
    Isn't Life Grand? AllieSF's Avatar
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    Feb 2007
    San Francisco Area
    I got the urge after I realized that my side effects from prostate surgery were not going away in 2006 at 59. When I started crossdressing, I knew I liked it after seeing myself in a mirror when I dressed fully with terrible makeup for the first time. I had a smile that would not go away for over a month. After that experience I knew I had to go out of the house into the real world dressed as a woman. And I did that a few short months later in 2007 after finding this site and a couple of more experienced people in this line of enjoyment. I had no fear, only a little nervousness that first time. I never thought about this as being anything more than something that made me extremely happy when out and dressed in the real world. I joined this site in early 2007 and read anything and everything, as i still do to a lesser extent. I learned about others experiences, the different sub classifications under the transgender umbrella (I like the idea of an umbrella because it helps clarify a lot of things), and how people deal with accepting and being themselves.

    I was in the perfect time of my life to discover all this. I was single, alone in my home, my son was not living with me at that time, though he did come back home for a few years, financially stable, starting a new different career, and a very independent person willing to try new things if I thought that they were legal and safe. I had also gone through that battle with prostate cancer and survived that. So, for me to try something outside the norm for most people I was ready, and, probably more importantly, able to do what I wanted. I did!!

    So, I learned from this site that the desire to crossdress would probably never go away for most, including me. I never thought about it for me, because from the beginning I accepted me doing this because I could. For those reasons this does not really apply to me: "2. When and how we first realize this urge is not going to go away.". I knew but didn't tell myself that this was for life. I guess that just be reading what happens to others with all their personal issues and problems just to accept themselves what was happening to them and me. So, a specific moment or date is impossible for me to pinpoint. I did and do not dwell on anything around all this regarding my identity. I just accepted me without thinking about that acceptance and just kept moving on and forward.

    I just kept doing what I wanted and maybe, unbeknownst to me, took one step after another until I realized that I was more than a crossdresser. At that time I knew it was time to come out and I did that to everyone that mattered over a few short months. I am now full time with orchiectomy, BA and FFS done. GCS may or may not happen.

  7. #7
    Making a life for Tina! suchacutie's Avatar
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    Aug 2005
    My history is very different in that my first time was in my 50's, with my wife and I just goofing around, leading to my buying heels and opaque hose so I could partially dress in some of her old stuff. I put it all on, no makeup or hair, and within minutes the snowball just started picking up momentum and we were online looking for a dress to show off my legs.

    All of a sudden my wife asked, "You hate Halloween, so why is it you actually look calm and into this?" I had no answer but after 3 solid days of taking about gender, growing up as a girl or a boy, and were there any hints of what has become "Tina", it was clear that Tina had always been lurking there and that it was time to learn all about her. We never looked back and Tina has been a joint experience between me and my wife ever since.

  8. #8
    Weirdest woman ever! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    Sep 2007
    Orange County, Calif.

    Exclamation I don't know that it won't!

    I began dressing at age 50+ out of the blue!

    I'm 77 now. And, have a gut feeling? One day this will all become TOO MUCH WORK for a crotchety old man!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  9. #9
    Member Christina89's Avatar
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    Apr 2009
    South Shore, Massachusetts
    i started when i was about 12 or 13. i was watching an old cartoon show called Totally Spies. i was watching it and they went shopping for 'some cute outfits' as they put it. i got the urge to go to my mothers room and decided to go 'shopping for some cute outfits'. so i did just that. i found a cute bikini in my mother rooms tried it on and loved how it felt on my body. after that night i realized i couldn't stop thinking about it. all day at school i couldn't get the thought of wearing women's clothes out of my head. once the end of the day bell rang i couldn't get home fast enough. once i was home i ran upstairs to do it again. i guess from that moment Christina was born. i have purged a few of my own items here and there. i honestly became comfortable with crossdressing when i found this site and realized i wasn't alone and wasn't some freak.
    I'm just a simple someone trying to figure life out.

  10. #10
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    Oct 2010
    Western Washington
    I'll just go with the second question or statement. When I entered puberty I was drawn to trying on my mother's clothing. I had no sisters or female cousins, so there were no closets to raid. I outgrew my mother's clothing with the exception of one nightgown. By the time I was in college I thought I had kicked the habit or interest. After college I was inducted into the army. I went to Nam as an infantryman. Perhaps hormones raged inside me to keep me alert and alive. I had no thoughts of anything related to wearing women's clothing. I met the woman I was to marry. She was and is still beautiful. And downright sexy. You'd think having such a lovely feminine creature as a wife would have 'cured' me. My love on nylon gowns was rekindled. We ended up buying several nylon gowns for me. There was a mutual benefit. Slowly I was slipped further and further into buying feminine garments. They were not hidden, but also no flaunted. Eventually, she tired of my interests because she realized there was something more than just a bedroom fetish. I knew, if a sexy loving wife did not 'cure' me, then it was hopeless. I surrendered.

    The guilt? No real guilt. Shame? That raged in my youth when it was supposed general knowledge that any man who wore women's clothing was a homosexual. There was a lot of confusion involved. I came to understand I was not gay. I'd say by the time I was in my 40's I began to be comfortable with myself because I accepted myself. I analyzed all the positives and the one negative and saw the scales weighed on the side of a productive family guy and member of the community.

  11. #11
    Gold Member Diane Smith's Avatar
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    Aug 2008
    Central Illinois
    I started dressing as a child, but had my real epiphany at age 40, in 1997. I think it mainly happened then because I had achieved my terminal college degree and started a new job, which I loved and with significant responsibility and opportunities for creativity, about two years before. By that summer it was clear I had a stable situation (I eventually stayed there for 24 years until retirement about a year ago) in a place where I wouldn't be fired if some aspects of my personal life leaked out. I was always careful not to mix business and pleasure too much, however. On a vacation trip to the Southwest in the summer of 1997, I suddenly decided to visit a number of thrift shops and even a couple of mainstream places to try on clothes and shoes. I was 2000 miles from home and clearly wouldn't run into anybody I knew. On my last day before driving back, I made my first ever appointment at a nail salon and got my first set of acrylics with polish. I haven't gone a day without them since.

    Once I got home, I joined a couple of regional social and support groups and visited several Chicago and Indianapolis area specialty stores that were known to be friendly. Within four months or so, I had my first wig, breast forms, corset and even a feminine tattoo, and was wearing my nails long and polished. I had my first several professional makeovers, started electrolysis, and got permanent makeup. I made my public "debut" at a crossdressing get-together in a Chicago area bar in December, 1997. It's just been more and more and higher and faster from there.

    I did lose a "friends with benefits" relationship when I came back from Tucson and told my lady friend what I had done. I was sorry that happened, but it was not a deep connection or one that would have lasted long anyway.

    Since then I have never slowed down or purged and now, in retirement, I'm out once or twice a week but also spend virtually all my "guy" time with long polished nails, earrings, eye and lip makeup and high heels. I was finally able to relax and accept myself 23 years ago because life had finally offered me enough stability that I wasn't constantly worrying about my future any more. There have certainly been some ups and downs since then, but my overall trajectory has been remarkably stable. And I still enjoy it all.

    - Diane
    Last edited by Diane Smith; 07-07-2020 at 04:47 AM.

  12. #12
    Aspiring Member SaraLin's Avatar
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    Jun 2017
    Central Fla.
    for me? I've pretty much always knew that it wasn't going to go away on its own.

    but because I was taught that it wasn't "normal" - over the years I've tried to:

    Deny it.
    Kill it.
    Suppress it.
    Bury it.
    (H-m-m-m ... I just realized that I never tried to CURE it. I guess I just knew that wasn't even a possibility.)

    For me, it's like trying to cork up a tea kettle.

  13. #13
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    When I was 14, I remember thinking that wanting to wear my sister's clothes was just just a phase. Fourteen years later I realized it wasn't going away. I always thought i could control the urge, however i lost an 11 year battle to suppress the need.

  14. #14
    Senior Member GretchenM's Avatar
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    Dec 2016
    Denver, Colorado
    Wow. Another great post, Marianne. You are on a roll.

    I fought my feelings from when I was denied approval of my request to become a girl when I was about 8 years old (1953) until 2012 when I decided my inner girl had won the war. I gave in to the realization that I was gender variant. I tried everything during that period to get rid of her. Nothing would work. She would vanish, sometimes for years, and then come roaring back after a wide variety of circumstances. Now, after deep and intensive study of the phenomenon for the last 8 years I understand so much more about the behavior and the fact that, for most of us, feeling what we feel drives us to express as a woman sometimes, and not just in clothing but also emotionally; it is built in. It is a result of genetics that forms a foundation of behavior patterns in the configuration of the basics in our brain. Then experience and learning kicks in early in life and the foundation tends to pattern those experiences and learned thinking and behavior in a way that is a bit biased toward the female side of things even though we are males. In females it can work the other way around.

    But all this proceeds while society in pressuring us to comply with the gender binary edict that says males must be masculine and females must be feminine. If you want to read about the history of the faulty thinking pick up a copy of Gina Rippon's "Gender and Our Brains." She goes through the entire history of the gender binary concept, how it is based on an assumption that has never been proven and probably can't be proven, and then presents a more modern concept based on neuroscientific discoveries about the way the way our brains operate when it comes to gender. You will then understand a lot more about the battle to be compliant with society's expectations for your gender based on the erroneous idea that your sex defines your gender. In fact there is very little connection between the two when it comes to brain function. Sex defines how you reproduce but it has very little to do with defining who you are as a person. There is no way you can win that war and meet those expectations because your brain is not configured that way. Your gender can and does shift around during the course of your life and that is normal as you experience and learn more things. But that foundation always sets a bit of a limit as to how far you can go. Our gender sense is a normal variation and the difficulties we can have are a result of trying to fully comply with the expectations of a concept that cannot work in its pure form - the binary concept of gender identity.

    I now realize that I am a blend of male-like and female-like gender traits and characteristics and so "feeling like a girl" is common and a normal shifting. For sure it is hard to describe what "feeling like a girl" is actually like because it is not an objective state of being as the gender binary suggests. It is a pure feeling, a part of that rather ambiguous thing we all have called our "sense of self." It is a "You just have to be there" kind of thing. The sense of self is a blend of an unbelievably complex assortment of bits and pieces of both emotional as well as more literal thoughts that generate feelings and form the brain's definition of who you are in the Really Big Picture. Is it real? Absolutely. Is it abnormal to feel like the "other gender?" Nope. Everybody has it and it is unique to each person. Does it cause some major problems in our lives? Yes, but not out of necessity. When faced with a set of standards that limits the boundaries of how far the variations can reach, those people beyond the boundary because that is where they are can have a lot of problems with fitting in. So, usually, a problem that lands you on the therapist's couch with thoughts that you have a mental illness is usually not a problem with your sense of self but a problem with the boundaries of society not being wide enough to include you in the mix even though you are just a normal variation on the themes and standards of expectations society sets based upon a pile of assumptions rather than an examination of the facts.

    One of the facts is that the foundation was permanent from the start, but it lacked definition which was built up over time as we learn and experience more things that are incorporated into our developing sense of self that is so incredibly vital for our very existence as humans. But for most of us who vary, we fight our sense of self because we are told, in various ways to "not be that way because it is abnormal, it is dangerous, it will make you crazy, it will _____________." (Fill in the blank.) That creates severe stress, i.e. dysphoria. How do you overcome the dysphoria? Simple. Be Yourself which means be consistent with your sense of self. If you feel more male-like at times then be male-like at those times; but if it changes to feeling female-like then be that. The point is, it changes with the circumstances and that is normal. The object of the "game" is to avoid producing dysphoria because that, as they say, is hazardous to your health. The fact is, that is who you are and the fundamentals of who you are happen to be permanent even though the details may vary. You were provided with a very basic foundational identity that comes from your genes (apparently about 3,500 of the little buggers). What happens after that creates a uniqueness within the boundaries of your foundation (not society's image of what foundation you should have). And it develops from there. If you fight it, it will fight back and that will create dysphoria, disorder and possibly insanity. But at the least and most often it creates unhappiness because your sense of self and the way you are expected to be are not meshing.

  15. #15
    Aspiring Member Karmen's Avatar
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    Dec 2006
    Europe, Slovenia
    I never really put much thought into why I started or should I stop doing it. I never felt I'm doing something wrong. I liked it, it's not illegal and that was enough for me in my teens. I didn't fell ashamed of doing it, it was not something I felt like a wrong doing on a moral side, just didn't have the courage to tell others I like wearing female clothes and stayed in the closet forever. Eventually I just knew it won't go away and didn't even try it. I was buying more and more clothes, wearing them more frequently, even started underdress on a daily basis and than even going out fully dressed occasionally.

  16. #16
    Crossdresser Taylor186's Avatar
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    Jun 2009
    Midwest USA
    1. My first time was at six or seven, but the need really took hold at ten or eleven.

    2. For the next 30 years the need inexplicably came and went. It was mostly there, sometimes strong - sometimes weak, but at times, for months, the need was completely absent. For those long absent stretches I thought I was "cured." It was my 40s when I finally admitted that it was a part of me, forever.

    3. In my early 50s I joined a support group and did a lot of internet research which helped me to accept that being a crossdresser was OK.

    4. From a child to my early 40s I was completely in the closet. In my 40s, through now actually, I incorporated/incorporate "costume" crossdressing into my Halloween outings. For the support group I shifted to full-out everyday women's wear dressing (not to be confused with dressing everyday, which I didn't). Today I rarely dress head-to-toe, satisfying my need by incorporating femme/androgynous pieces in my everyday life. For instance, leggings/tights when I go to the gym.
    Last edited by Taylor186; 07-07-2020 at 11:52 AM.

  17. #17
    Aspiring Member
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    Mar 2005
    Reflecting on my CDing history, I've been dressing for at least 45 years. It started innocently enough with a rental girl's one piece swimsuit at a pool, all because they ran out of boy's swim trunks. I didn't think much of it, until I discovered my mom's panties, and it blossomed from there. It progressed to finding dresses/skirts/blouses in her closet and trying them all on.

    When I had the money to buy my own stuff (which was good as I was getting too big for my mom's stuff), it really exploded. The urge was insatiable, and growing immense each time I dressed. That was until I met my g/f (now wife). I thought I could stop cold turkey. I was successful for a short while but the urge came back stronger than ever. It wasn't until we bought the house and I moved out of my parent's house I thought I could stop dressing cold turkey again. It lasted much longer this time, months even, until the urge hit me like a tonne of bricks. I delved into my g/f's clothes and tried them on and it felt so good wearing women's clothes again. I then started to buy clothes again, and hid them in the basement.

    It wasn't until I ran into severe medical issues that I had to stop. That took the wind out of the urge and interest. That lasted several years, until I received the proper treatment and the urge to dress came roaring back, harder than ever.

    After a few purges (which I totally regret), I now realize that the urge to dress will never go away. It only diminished for me due to medical issues. I am in a very happy place with my dressing, and I love transforming into Wendy whenever I can.

  18. #18
    Silver Member LilSissyStevie's Avatar
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    Apr 2007
    In the total animal soup of time
    I never gave it much of a thought until I joined up here. Although I felt some shame about it, it gave me so much enjoyment that I never wanted it to go away permanently. I just wanted to get over the shame since I couldn't see anything wrong with it.

  19. #19
    Aspiring Member jacques's Avatar
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    Sep 2008
    East Yorkshire UK
    hello Marianne,
    I like your post and interesting question.
    Although I started crossdressing at about age 8, and at various ages in my teens, I realised that it was not going to go away about 2 or 3 years into my marriage; my wife did not object when I told her.
    stay healthy,
    luv J

  20. #20
    Gold Member Helen_Highwater's Avatar
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    Jan 2010
    Midlands UK
    In truth I never gave it any consideration primarily because I never found myself in a position where I wanted it to go away. Never a desire to purge, it's just been part of me at least since my late teens which is when I gained the opportunity to wear what was then my girlfriends clothes from time to time.

    For me it's more that as time marches on, dressing has become more important to me but that's probably due to the fact I've got better at it.
    Who dares wears Get in, get out without being noticed

  21. #21
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    Sep 2019
    I may be an outlier here. I'm just a maid who does this for a thrill. I've been CD ing for 30 plus years and the thrill is still there. My wife is fairly supportive of my self imposed limits.

    I think for me the day the thrill is gone or the day risk to family, job, etc is greater than the thrill, I will stop. But for the moment it's just some harmless fun.

  22. #22
    Member Liz Jones's Avatar
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    Jun 2020
    The north Wirral ( near Liverpool ) U.K.
    After very adventure filled life doing/getting involved in all sorts of things it came as a suprise at ---74 years ! Is it perment--dont know ,ask me the day i die!😊

  23. #23
    Member ClaudineD's Avatar
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    Oct 2012
    At 16 when was allowed to dress in public by Mother & Aunt........never turned back

  24. #24
    Platinum Member
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    Jan 2010
    Wow, jealous of you claudine!

    My rollercoaster ride towards acceptance has been overly documented in this forum. In summary, post-divorce and post-18 months of false hopes for reconciliation I began what I hope are the final steps towards permanent self acceptance.
    Our only truth is narrative truth, the stories we tell each other and ourselves, the stories we continually recategorize and refine. Such subjectivity is built into the very nature of memory. Oliver Sacks

  25. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by Marianne S View Post

    1.When and how we first take pleasure in putting on female clothes.

    2. When and how we first realize this urge is not going to go away.

    3. When and how we become comfortable with ourselves as a crossdresser, dismissing any needless guilt or shame.

    4. What we've done (or are doing) in consequence of all that.

    1. Too early to remember...but I knew it wasn’t accepted or “normal” to feel this way at an early age. Strangely, I never thought it was wrong that I felt this way, only that it probably wasn’t in my best interest. I experimented very little, never alone, and always with a willing female participant or helper.

    2. This is a tricky one. Because on one hand, I didn’t think it was in my best interest to dress. Why? When I had the fog, I was distracted and couldn’t think of anything was this healthy? So my desire to lose the interest was really for practical reasons...also realizing I that the likelihood of my desires being accepted by my friends/family and one day a spouse would be almost zero.

    However, I didn’t really ever want the feeling to go away...I loved it. This doesn’t make it right. We can love lots of things that aren’t right...but that’s besides the point. I loved it.

    3. Even in my 40’s, this continues to be a work in progress...though, I am further along in this regard than ever before. I’ve never purged before (largely because of my wife)...but I have cut my hair time and time again (which is really my way of purging). My wife accepts me, she embraces me. She embraces this about me I’d say more than 50% of the time, but is supportive 100% of the time, but I’m very cautious not to I really prefer that she participates to some that it’s an “us” thing. But I recognize that it’s a big expectation for her to even be ok w/this. She doesn’t see this as a burden, but I try hard to be her man most of the be present and because she knows this, it makes this other funny side of me not only tolerable, but for her to answer the question...I’m pretty comfortable with’s getting better. But it’s not like I’m walking outside as a lady or anything. My wife is more than ok w/ this side of me...and ultimately sees it as a blessing...but that was only after a lot of love, listening, service, and support.

    But I think if asked most XD’ers wouldn’t want the feelings to go away...and besides, if we REALLY did, they may not go all the way away, but we could suppress, as I do believe, we ultimately get what we want most. I’m grateful that my wife let’s me have this too....even though, I still want her, I want family, I want their happiness most. Hope this made sense.

    4. I’m opening things up. I’m growing my hair...for reals. I will finally get the ponytail I’ve always wanted...that’s the plan anyway...but here’s the thing...I’m almost past the awkward stage (thanks to Covid) and by the time we get out of this, most people will be used to it. For me, having hair will in my opinion solve my appetite...part of that’s because I’ll be able to go both ways a lot faster, and even a quick braid or something will give me that rush that I’ve wanted for 40+ years (honestly it’s hard for me to believe and I have to pinch myself)...I realize other factors could change this...but so far, so good.

    Hope that helped you and some others.

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