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Thread: Trying to accept myself and also respect my wife?s feelings

  1. #1
    Junior Member Chloe_S's Avatar
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    Trying to accept myself and also respect my wife?s feelings

    So I went a long while without crossdressing. I?d previously had about three purges in life. Then I got back into it... I bought a wig and makeup and created Chloe. I went further with it than I had ever before. I went outside twice. The second time to see my therapist. It was a BIG step for me! Then...I lost interest. I stopped. I thought the desire had been satisfied. I was smart about it though and boxed up all my clothes, makeup, and wig. The thought of me in a wig and makeup was very unappealing. A bit revolting really.

    Well that only lasted about 2-3 months. But I felt I couldnt go back after all the stuff I told my wife about wanting to be done with it and prioritizing her. So Ive mentioned it a few times in the past few days. That I want to do it again but hate the back and forth and dont want to ?want? to do it. She seems to sympathize with me. But shes also told me she likes it when I?m not dressing.

    Last night I told her, I just need to accept that there will be times I want to do it and times I don?t. It?ll just be crossdressing and nothing more and its not going to be life changing. (She worries about me becoming trans or gay). She just smiled and said ok. I can?t tell if it?s reluctant or apathetic acceptance. But she seems ok with it.

    Im trying so hard to accept myself one way or another. Moving forward Im going in with the idea I may be super into it for a little bit and want a break here and there and both are ok. Wish me luck and lets hope the next part of Chloe?s journey is healthy for my marriage and me.

  2. #2
    Administrator Di's Avatar
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    Glad you are being open and honest with yourself and your wife. Many here have declared to their wife they are never doing it again and they believe it and it is true at the time but many ( everyone I know ) it comes back . I just look at it as just apart of you .
    If there is ever a time your wife wants to talk to other wives you can tell her about our Fab section.
    Best Wishes to you and your wife .....It really is all ok.
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    You forever and always will be my one and only true love . ❤️

  3. #3
    Aspiring Member Rayleen's Avatar
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    Chloe, you went one step in the right direction...communication with your wife. in my case. I explained her my feelings and slowly progressed in my dressing.She had to be assured that I loved her and will respect her in my venture. She then accepted that it made me a better person at the end.

    Hope all will go good your way.
    Wanting something is a fantasy which on a long time period clouds your mind and makes you think you need it.

    Rayleen

  4. #4
    Aspiring Member GretchenM's Avatar
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    Chloe, I agree with Di but go even further. It is important to be honest with your feelings and I think you are learning that which is part of the source of your back and forth behavior. You are trying different things to seek out that which is comfortable and keeps you feeling good about yourself. There is no requirement to escalate your gender behavior toward the feminine. In fact, studies have shown that roughly 90% of transgender (using the broad definition) have no real desire to transition even though they may explore that option to some extent.

    It appears to me that you are reaching a point where you are realizing that being pure male/masculine just doesn't work for you. That is perfectly alright. In the last 50 to 60 years, researchers in this field have concluded that we are all a blend of male-like and female-like gender traits and characteristics and some males have a lot of the female-like aspects in their particular gender mix. Some women have a lot of male-like traits as well and struggle with being the stereotypical female - it just doesn't feel right to them, as if something is missing when they are more middle of the road female-like gender thinking. Now compelling evidence shows that this blending is clearly evident in the neural networks in our brains and well over 90% of humans have this blending of male-like and female-like traits and characteristics and only about 2% are pure male-like or pure female-like. So welcome to the crowd. And each person has a different blend that is quite flexible and can change back and forth rather easily and quickly. In the neurological world of behavior not much is fixed - it is always rewiring itself to meet certain simple patterns dictated by a basic and fundamental outline contained in your genes.

    As for becoming trans or gay, you need to face the fact that you are trans according to the broad definitions of trans, but if you consider trans as needing to transition that is unlikely in your future. But also remember gender is changeable and that need can arise in anyone who leans that way, even though it is rare that happens. Most of those people tell a very different story than you are relating. As for gay, that is a sexual orientation and that is biologically pretty separate from gender. It can happen, but crossdressing is not likely a factor in causing it. That orientation usually appears quite early in life and even though it may be put on pause for a long time, that kind of thinking in frequent (not just rare) fantasy self-stories that leads to seeking out other men (or women if female) to explore it is a bit of a compulsion. So, if that is not there in you then I wouldn't be concerned about it. Gayness is pretty much a biologically based behavior and a bisexual orientation also is, but to a lesser extent.

    As I understand it, Di's marriage (she is female, if you didn't know that) is quite a happy one even though the role structure is a bit different. So having a successful and happy marriage is possible. My wife is neutral toward my behavior but does not want to see me as Gretchen or participate in any big way. She does respect Gretchen's existence. We have been married 51 years. Most of that time I was outwardly male-like even though inwardly I was both. Now the female-like Gretchen side is more apparent, but it doesn't require me to dress as female to exist. It exists with or without the expression; it is just more apparent with the expression. Took me several years to get comfortable with that (started that quest in 2012 when I had to admit to myself and my family that was some type of transgender person). Been a bumpy road for sure, but it is all much more comfortable and acceptable now. You can be fully yourself and comfortably so as well. It takes time and I think you are on the right trail.

  5. #5
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Chloe,
    I guess the fact you only boxed it all up without purging it said it all . I appreicate the dilemma , your wife is important to you , is it right you might put your dressing needs first ?
    At the same time you may get breaks from it but I sense you're realistic enough to know it hasn't gone away . You are being fair to your wife but try not to make promises you can't keep . The perennial questions always come up do you wish to become a woman and are you gay , most CDers aren't gay but then we can't condemn a person for being gay , they can't change what they are as we can't . Do you want to be a woman ? To some CDers they believe it's the ultimate goal but very few reach that point , there is often a comfortable spot somewhere along the TG road , the problem is you may never find it unless you can answer most if not all the questions . I could only answer them myself when I was free to do so , my comfortable place is social transition , I feel hormones or surgery won't change drastically the balance I've found . If and when you reach that point you may find you wife is still on board , my wife now regrets not being able to do that .
    The real me ,no going back.

  6. #6
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    I agree with GretchenM.

    Look... "Understanding" is a two way street. You have every right to ask for your spouse's understanding, but you should be clear on what you're asking her to understand. It does not appear that you can do that yet. Get back into therapy, but this time, approach it with the goal of understanding yourself and the courage to be open and honest about everything. Trust me, you want to truly know who you are, and that open and honest approach, with a qualified counselor, is the best way to get there.

    These are issues that can have a profound affect on any relationship, so if you value your relationship with your spouse, put in the work required to know what it is you are asking for.
    "Being honest may not get you a lot of friends, but it will always get you the right ones."
    -- John Lennon

    https://groups.io/g/gno-houston

  7. #7
    Member Star01's Avatar
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    I am in a somewhat similar situation as you are Chloe_S. This is the one thing I have encountered in my life that I can't control or completely understand and it is frustrating. Even with therapy it's still a slow process that can feel like a roller coaster at times.

    We can't get a medical evaluation to tell us exactly what we are and where we fall into the spectrum, we have to figure that out ourselves. Once we begin to understand and accept that the compulsion to dress is permanent there is no diagnosis to tell us how far we are going to take it in order to feel at peace. It's a trial and error process with no idea where it will take us or how it will end. That has been my impression so far.

    You are fortunate that it seems like you are able to control it to the extent that you can assure your wife that you will remain a crossdresser. Some on here started out thinking that and ended up transitioning. If I am to be honest with myself I can't really say with 100% certainty that I won't progress to that point before I feel content. I probably would not do that but I do get those thoughts pretty much on a daily basis but I dismiss them. The human condition is unpredictable and I never expected to feel the way I do now five years ago so the ride is nowhere near over.

  8. #8
    Gold Member Lana Mae's Avatar
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    I agree with Gretchen and Aunt Kelly! I strongly advise a good gender counselor to ask the questions for you to find some answers! Then approach your wife and communicate your needs and desires! Be willing to compromise if necessary! Best wishes! Hugs Lana Mae
    Life is worth living!
    "Foxy lady! You look so good!!" Jimi Hendrix

  9. #9
    Silver Member Micki_Finn's Avatar
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    First of all, your wife needs to know that nobody BECOMES gay or Trans. They either are or they aren’t. Sometimes we don’t come to realize it until later in life, but it’s what we have been all along. While your wife doesn’t like it, it doesn’t sound like she’s in full freak out mode. Maybe it’s time to sit down with her and hash out some rules. Perhaps DADT is the ideal situation for you right now. That isn’t a promise that your need to dress will never change, but there are no guarantees in life so you just have to take it one day at a time.

  10. #10
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    I went back and read many of your prior posts. From what I read your wife has seen you dressed. She has been to counseling, although I did not see specifically what she has been trying to resolve in counseling; whether it is to figure you out or to figure out how she needs to deal with it or both. The would think that is the same with you; self reflection and dealing with it within your marriage.

    I think you're going through periods of self doubt, loathing, rejecting your feelings. A lot of those feelings are mixed in with rejection or feeling rejected by a loved one. You have to face the fact your wife has seen you en femme. There is no way that image is going to disappear. From what I have read on other sites, even if you did not present yourself en femme, most women are going to have a mental image of their husbands en femme.

    As I have stated many time on this site, my wife is not appreciative of my cross dressing. I accepted that decades ago. It is deep "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." No snide comments. Nothing, Nada. Nil. On occasion she has found an article of clothing (bra or panty) that I overlooked. She folds it and places it on the top of the dryer which is away from view. She has found this site open on the computer. She said I should be more careful less someone were unexpectedly to see it. The question that arose in my mind is whether or not to push the issue. I decided I was nagging her about cross dressing because if I had her acceptance it would confer upon me my self acceptance. When I came to accept myself I found I did not need my wife's acceptance. I think she came to the realization that my cross dressing had nothing to do with her. There was no inadequacies in her. It was all about me. In our DADT I really do not know if she made efforts to give me Stephanie time. I suspect she knew when she was working I was dressing. If it was on the weekends or her days off she would also call and tell me she would be getting of a transit bus at a specific time. I always had to pick her up as she is a non-driver. I came to the realization, when I was trying to push her to acceptance, it was actually a form of mental spousal abuse. For her to rant and rave about my cross dressing would also be a form of mental abuse. Neither of us would survive in such a contentious marriage.

    I believe marriage can survive and general happiness prevail if both spouses under stand who they are and the other spouse accepts those premises. Would you really want to sit around in the evening in dress, heels and hosiery, wig and makeup if it made your wife uncomfortable?

  11. #11
    Junior Member Chloe_S's Avatar
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    First off, I phrased my original wording poorly. My wife isn?t afraid of me ?becoming gay or trans?. Shes afraid I am and simply don?t understand myself yet. But thats not a huge problem for her with this whole thing. I shouldn?t have mentioned it honestly.

    Thanks for the supportive comments everyone. I really appreciate the knowledge and advice you all share.

  12. #12
    Weirdest woman ever! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    Chloe, I think u need to work this out for and by yourself first. A process which took me over 12 years! And, I was already separated, then divorced, from my wife at the time!

    After u figured out where u r with Chloe and where u want to go with your dressing? THEN, discuss it in detail with your SO. Until, then, all u can do is try to sooth her worries.
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  13. #13
    Isn't Life Grand? AllieSF's Avatar
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    No lectures to you on my part. I think that both of you are working on it as best you can. Your continual honesty has to help your wife better understand you, versus the surprise coming out that "I have to do this or that". I commend you and your wife for all of what both of you are doing. This sharing with a loved one is so unique for each person. One can follow all of the above recommendations and both can still end up in a lose-lose situation. Thanks you for sharing what being honest with one's self and loved ones can sometimes obtain, a level of peace in a relationship that many, not even non trans people have. It may be fragile, but you have it. I think that calls for a celebration!

  14. #14
    Lady By Choice Leslie Langford's Avatar
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    Gretchen...a minor correction to your post - and it's probably not my place to say this, but I will spare Di the pain of doing so - the fact is, her wife Sherlyn died 2 years ago.

    It is a tribute to Di and her love and support for this community that she remains an active member on this forum and continues to provide us with her insight and wisdom from a GG's standpoint.

  15. #15
    Member DianeT's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Leslie Langford View Post
    It is a tribute to Di and her love and support for this community that she remains an active member on this forum and continues to provide us with her insight and wisdom from a GG's standpoint.
    Very true.

  16. #16
    Reality Check Krisi's Avatar
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    The thought that crossdressers are gay or want to become women is pretty common among non-crossdressers. Most crossdressers are not gay, they are straight males. Most crossdressers don't want to become women. You can take a poll here if it makes you feel better.

    The trick is to explain this to your wife in a way that she will believe it.

    As for your desire to dress coming and going, I have no explanation for that, but I don't think it's anything to worry about.
    Krisi

  17. #17
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Krisi,
    The problem with waxing and waning is some wives/partners find that more confusing , it suggests you have control of it and so raises the question why can't you stop completely .
    The real me ,no going back.

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