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Thread: Need advice

  1. #1
    Junior Member Amber83's Avatar
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    Need advice

    Hi ladies! It's been a while since I've been on here. Haven't had much time to dress up as one of my kids are always home. My wife is completely fine with me dressing up. Now I'm needing some advice. I've really been thinking here lately about opening up and wearing some of my fem clothes at home with my kids there. I have not told them about my fem side. In my mind, I feel that holding this secret from them, isn't showing them that's it's acceptable to dress however one feels to, and also one should be comfortable with what they wear. My wife is on board with me wearing fem clothes in front of them. We have 4 kids left at home. Ages 10, 13, 16, and 17. Should I open up to them about my secret side? Again, I feel that holding it back from them until they are adults and out of the house could be interpreted into me being ashamed to do it. We want to teach them that it is acceptable and nothing wrong in being comfortable. The girls already watch Jeffrey Star on YouTube and there are a few boys at their high school that dress up. Have a great day ladies!

  2. #2
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    IF you wife agrees then go for it.

  3. #3
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    talk to wife and then kind of ask kids their view on trans people

  4. #4
    Aspiring Member MonicaPVD's Avatar
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    Anyone under the age of 30 in 2020 is likely unphased by gender identity matters. To kids today, being trans or nonbinary is like being left-handed. However, even the most open minded kid can have all kinds of assumptions about their dad. Talk with your wife to make absolutely certain that she is OK with your idea. If she's fine, then talk with your kids about it before you show up in a dress. Let them process the concept before they lay their eyes on you dressed. It will make things much smoother for everyone.

  5. #5
    Member JoanneNY's Avatar
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    I'm with Monika 100% on her advice, first solidify your approach with your wife and like is said often on this site, take baby steps, don't blast it out to them. the older ones should be fine with what comes to them from nearly everywhere but the younger ones may need a softer approach. One way or the other, yes, put it out there and open it up to all. My hope is that it goes well for you.

    PS: Monika, being left handed most often leads to being ambidextrous, something most Righties can't do.
    Last edited by JoanneNY; 08-18-2020 at 11:41 PM.
    Joanne

  6. #6
    Junior Member Amber83's Avatar
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    My wife is 100% on board with it and is encouraging me to do it. Now would it be okay to let my kids know that this is a secret and not to tell anyone? As I will let others know that need to know? I ask because my parents are completely against this kind of thing and would possibly disown me or condemn me for dressing up. Don't really want to hear a lecture about it.

  7. #7
    Administrator Di's Avatar
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    If your wife is on Board yes why not!
    But a BIG NO to it being a secret That is just wrong and putting pressure on them. Kids have enough on their shoulders.
    You are not doing anything wrong so the secret thing is just WRONG ....that will show the kids it is something to be ashamed of.
    As far as your parents .....you need to work that out.
    I feel very strongly on this it would be nothing but selfish on your part if you made it a secret for them to keep.
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  8. #8
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    Amber,
    I'm inclined to agree with Di , think hard because your kids needs maybe more important than yours . I know from my two when they were that age they still needed help and guidance , I also agree they should be old enough to understand but when the secret is out and it's not fair to expect them to keep it a secret and if so will they suffer the consequences from their friends ?

    The whole issue of coming out is about you , what is the bottom line , is dressing at home enough for you ? I feel you need to think about the implications of you needing more , can you handle it and more important can they . I'm being realistic and honest because from experinece I know it doesn't stop there .

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    The only way that these things can ever be sorted is by talking them through with all the people who matter. Monica makes a fair point in that young people today are in a very different place from where we were at that age. It is much less of a thing these days. Teresa makes an interesting point about at what level you will end up in the futiure and that, for all of us is unknown, and also, that will likely happen anyway if you tell or don't tell. As your wife is supportive and encouraging then that's the best possible of starts, you'll be able to present a united front and the kids will be able to bounce their thoughts and ideas off of her too. One the face of it, this looks to be a good situation, but as ever, it can also go wrong and bite you in the bum. All the best in whatever you choose to do.

  10. #10
    Silver Member Kay J's Avatar
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    Man i don't think it is going to be a secret once the kids knows its going to slip out sometime so be perpared! Just my 2 cents worth.

  11. #11
    Member rian's Avatar
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    My advise to you is to prepare them by open discussions first with them to see their reaction ,,,they might surprise you ,,,yet caution is advisable ,,,,discuss this with your wife how to approach the issue ... with the kids has to start with open discussions ,,,,,in my case the secret is being hold only between me and my wife due to our closed environment ...you might have the same thing ....yet preparation is advisable before opening to your kids ....
    Cross-dressing is a cross between woman's soul and man's heart.....

  12. #12
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    Since you've asked, this is just my opinion.

    One thing is for sure, they will probably tell not only their friends, but also teachers and relatives. Once a secret is out, it can't be controlled. If you don't care who knows, then go for it.

    However, since you plan on keeping CDing a secret, don't tell your kids. As Di, said, they should not be expected to keep your secret. Kids have enough problems just being kids without carrying the burden of a parent's secret.

    It's wonderful that you have an understanding wife, maybe it's best if you just continue to enjoy that relationship for now. Obviously, it's your choice.
    Last edited by char GG; 08-19-2020 at 06:35 AM.

  13. #13
    Junior Member Amber83's Avatar
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    Thanks so much for the advice given so far. A lot to think about. Guess I didn't think it clearly asking for my kids to keep it a secret. It will not be asked that they keep it a secret. My wife is truly wonderful in being extremely supportive. The same goes for my step daughter as she knows and is very supportive as well. My only plans if I were to get the courage to go out fully dressed in public were to go to a different city to do so. My wife has been wanting to do a girl's weekend away from home.

  14. #14
    Reality Check Krisi's Avatar
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    My advice for anyone is to not tell anyone that you are a crossdresser unless they need to know. Most wives are going to keep this a secret just because of the embarrassment of having a husband who wears women's clothes.

    Children are not going to understand this and it's pretty likely that they will let your "secret" out. Then it won't be a secret any more.

    Are you comfortable with the neighbors knowing that you are a crossdresser? How about your co-workers? Your boss? Your preacher?

    Remember, you cannot "unring" the bell. Once this gets out, it stays out.
    Krisi

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    10, 13 &16 year olds have enough to deal with without having to understand why their dad cds.

    Adults spend years trying to figure it out. Let them be kids.

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    Amber,
    If it's any help some , of the members of my social groups make weekends of the event at the hotel but some still choose not to tell their children even if they are adults , it works for them .

  17. #17
    Aspiring Member April Rose's Avatar
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    When I came out to my son he was 22. He told me he had known since he was 14. He was fine with it.

    My larger point is: How do you know they don't know already? If you want to control the terms under which they find out about you, the only way to do that is to tell them yourself.

    The timing of that is your judgement. But tell before show. Give them time to digest the idea.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amber83 View Post
    Now would it be okay to let my kids know that this is a secret and not to tell anyone?
    Amber just remember that once you tell someone your secret it is no longer your secret to keep. Are your kids at that age going to be able to keep it a secret?

    X x x

  19. #19
    Aspiring Shopaholic BTWimRobin's Avatar
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    It's great your wife is supportive of you wanting to come out to you kids. Like the others have said.. don't expect them to keep your secret. They may talk with their friends about it. Also, if you tell them not to tell anyone you are making it sound like you are doing something you're ashamed of. Good luck!
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  20. #20
    Aspiring Member Joyce Swindell's Avatar
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    What would happen if you started by wearing what you want to be comfortable and see the reactions?

  21. #21
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    If you're going to tell your kids that you're a cross dresser, then do not ask them to keep your secret. On the one hand you feel uncomfortable keeping cross dressing from them as it may suggest cross dressing is something negative, then you tell them not to talk about your secret? Aren't you telling them the same thing? When cross dressing gets out to the world you cannot put the Genie back in the bottle. Everyone in the family will share the fallout. You already stated your parents are hostile toward cross dressing. So what happens to the grandparent-grandchild relationship?

    If you're going to teach your children there is nothing wrong with wearing women's attire, and, wear such in front of them, why not wear a sundress and heels to the neighborhood BBQ or the church supper?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Amber83 View Post
    Hi ladies! It's been a while since I've been on here. Haven't had much time to dress up as one of my kids are always home. My wife is completely fine with me dressing up. Now I'm needing some advice. I've really been thinking here lately about opening up and wearing some of my fem clothes at home with my kids there. I have not told them about my fem side. In my mind, I feel that holding this secret from them, isn't showing them that's it's acceptable to dress however one feels to, and also one should be comfortable with what they wear. My wife is on board with me wearing fem clothes in front of them. We have 4 kids left at home. Ages 10, 13, 16, and 17. Should I open up to them about my secret side? Again, I feel that holding it back from them until they are adults and out of the house could be interpreted into me being ashamed to do it. We want to teach them that it is acceptable and nothing wrong in being comfortable. The girls already watch Jeffrey Star on YouTube and there are a few boys at their high school that dress up. Have a great day ladies!
    Being a kid is already hard and sometimes confusing (Covid by the way, doesn’t help). The risk of negatively impacting their young lives and how they view the world isnt worth it in my opinion. The risk/cost is too great. What do you hope to gain by doing this...simply more time to dress? Its also a signal to your wife that you care more about cross dressing than your children. I wouldn’t do it. And the gain isn’t much.

    Good luck
    Last edited by DTelia; 08-19-2020 at 11:55 AM.

  23. #23
    Junior Member DianaW's Avatar
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    I have nothing new to add that hasn't already been said. But I want to add my voice to the list of those saying don't burden your children by asking them to keep it secret. Maybe the oldest child is mature enough to handle it but I'd suspect the youngest definitely isn't. Just be aware that if you do tell them your secret may be inadvertently outed.
    I'm just starting on this new journey. I'm still figuring things out. Who knows where it will lead?

  24. #24
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    The key words are my wife is on board. Your motivations seem entirely appropriate - to model healthy behaviors, including being honest and open about oneself, and demonstrating that your particular non-conformity is entirely acceptable. Best of luck.

    As for telling them its a secret...this would be a good time to talk to them about making judgements. The teenagers are all entering that time of life when they will increasingly need to make decisions for themselves. Holding them to a secret is probably not the way to approach it, but rather to say, here things to consider as they individually make that decisions about what and who to tell. The ten year old is a little trickier. As a parent, you have an obligation to help the child make good choices and model that process, so that future decisions are made wisely as possible.

    Think of all the negative things kids do keep secret in some households. Dad may be a drunk, or beats up the kids. Mom may be deeply depressed and frighteningly suicidal. My older brother was caught “driving someone else’s car without permission...”. I disagree with the idea that kids will make it a habit of telling anyone and everyone, especially if its not a traumatic thing, but rather treated as natural, non-threatening and positive by both parents.
    Last edited by kimdl93; 08-19-2020 at 12:25 PM.
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  25. #25
    Silver Member Micki_Finn's Avatar
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    I think it?s fine. They?re old enough to understand. I agree that if you tell your kids, you should?t ask them to keep it a secret Not because it?s a ?burden? on kids. That?s stupid. Kids keep secrets all the time and to imply that this is somehow going to destroy their childhood grossly underestimates the resilience of children. Would you tell a gay parent that they should hide that from their child to ?spare them the burden??

    If your whole point of telling your kids is to teach them that it?s ok to be yourself and express yourself however you want, then telling them to keep it a secret COMPLETELY undermines that point.
    Last edited by Micki_Finn; 08-19-2020 at 02:48 PM.

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