The summer that wasnt

[Star01]

I am not looking for sympathy or solutions, just commenting about how frustrating this summer has been. Before I continue I am doing fine enduring the inconvenience and just venting a little. Maybe it will feel good to get a little understanding and encouragement.

I started 2020 hoping to do all the right things. I started therapy around the first of the year to try and get in touch with myself. My feelings after reading many posts in all sections lead me to believe that I'm something more than a crossdresser but circumstance restrict me to the point that life is getting extremely frustrating, especially with Covid dragging on.

Shopping and lack of clothes are the problem. I get a chance to dress every now and then and underdress but in dadt it's very limited. My wife pays the bills and we are both here all day and she does online shopping and selling so she is on top of the deliveries as most are for her. My plan was to go to a store and get a prepaid card and have items delivered to a CD friend. The Covid is making store visits rare and my friend fell off the face of the earth and apparently has other interests. Setting up delivery and payment is now a daunting task within the framework of our agreement to stick around the house to be safe. I'm sure that others are dealing with similar things. I'm not desperate in the sense that I'm going to jump off a bridge or something but extremely frustrated and it does dominate my thoughts.

Earlier this year I posted about dieting and the Covid lockdown and panic eating left me six to eight pounds heavier than my weight before I started dieting. Self acceptance seems now to be the more logical option.

I'm frustrated but not the type of person who would get depressed and self harm so no worries there. Just frustrated as I had worked up the courage to shop for clothes, makeup and jewelry which is not easy in a small town setting. Anyways has anyone else found a way to deal with the frustration and feelings of isolation? My next appointment is today so I will be discussing these concerns in our session. My wife doesn't know the main reason I'm in therapy but thinks it's a good idea as I had a tough childhood and never had therapy so she thinks it's for general self improvement. Long story about our dadt so I won't get into that. Really the elephant in my room is my hesitance to revisit the talk.

Others in very restricted DADT will best understand. My closet isn't full of so many things that I have to make room, it is empty and my urges border unmanageable so it is quite the test of character to stifle my desires this past six months.

I think my year could be summer up as that even the most carefully thought out plans are not a certainty.

[Joyce Swindell]

That's exactly what I was thinking.... same as that elephant. lol

Hang in there, I'm surprised the therapist hasn't insisted that your wife join you.

[Maid_Marion]

If you buy things through Amazon they do offer ways of maintaining some privacy.
You can have things shipped to a drop box. They will recommend it if you order a bra.
You can also archive orders, so they won't be visible accidentally.

I return Amazon stuff that doesn't fit though Kohl's. Last time it was a small crop top that wasn't.
They gave me a 25% off coupon that I used to buy a black sweater top.

Marion

[Stephanie47]

At age 68 you're not getting any younger. If you're finding not being able to express yourself as unmanageable, perhaps you need to have a serious discussion with your wife. "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" usually means a wife knows, but does not want to have anything to do with it. I consider outright hostility to cross dressing to be more than DADT. Unless you bring up the issue is anything going to change? Your angst is just going to get worse and worse.

As to secretly buying and receiving clothes it has been suggested to using Amazon drop boxes and prepaid gift cards. You indicated you're in a small town, so it is not known how far it is to a larger city or mall area. Just about all retailers (JCP, Macy's, Kohl's, etc) offer in-store pickup. Some ask when placing an in-store pickup for a name of an alternate who may pick up the order. You could use a pre-paid gift card, order under your wife's name and pickup as the alternate.

[Star01]

Thanks for the suggestions about Amazon. My wife buys and sells online and does all of our Amazon orders on her account so I have never bothered to set one up. I tend to exaggerate when I say I live in a small town as a contrast to places like LA and NYC. There is a post office within walking distance, a Kohls about ten miles from here all freeway where we have returned Amazon purchases and we have a Target and Walmart about two miles. We are an outer ring suburb a half hour north of a few million people so I'm busted for taking poetic license when describing my town. I sometimes joke about our feed mill but it's actually a historical building that I believe recently changed owners and will likely house condos and a Starbucks or something along those lines.

The trouble with the cash card is that I would have to go into Target or one of the stores to purchase it which is something my wife and I have agreed to avoid due to health concerns. This is in keeping with my theme of the Covid putting a monkey wrench in our 2020 plans. And yes, the elephant in the corner of the room is my fear of communicating my needs and negotiating a better deal. I brought that up in therapy today and it's something we will be focusing on going forward.

I appreciate the solution ideas and trust me on this, I have considered them all and more. I know that by my silence I am making my circumstances more restricting yet there is that fear of possibly blowing up the relationship. Knowing both of us more than anyone reading a post could ever know I think she would take it well but looking through this board those have been famous last words as far as some of the marriages so the unknown reaction holds me back. The longer I impose those self restrictions on myself the longer I will be in this state of limbo. The plan before Covid was to work through these things but I'm seeing that even without the virus these things still take longer than I expected. It's a process that could take a couple years or more.

[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

She has found hints and knows but I think she feels that "putting her foot down" is holding it in check. A few months ago an eyebrow pencil ended up in my laundry basket and we're empty nesters so it had to be mine and nothing further was said. A lot of things have changed since we had that discussion was basically her saying to keep it to myself, end of discussion. Now she has learned a lot more about it and was really great about one of our daughters coming out as a lesbian. It has been pointed out that her accepting my daughter does not guarantee that she will react favorably and I get that and am hesitant because of that prospect.

[Maid_Marion]

Manage Your Household
Share your favorite Prime benefits with someone you live with, including FREE Two-Day Shipping, Prime Video, Prime reading, and more.

Your wife can share her Prime benefits with you.

[kimdl93]

I was struck by the way you?ve dealt thus far with your situation and particularly your daughter coming out. It occurs to me that your wife is probably adjusting to some fairly big changes in her reality. Even as she is putting her foot down, she knows that though unseen, you are and will continue to be exploring your feminine side. That has to be in her thoughts to some extent. Then, she is faced with learning to understand and accept her daughter as a lesbian...another reality that she might be tempted to avoid...but try as she might, it will be on her mind.

I suppose that both your emergence and your daughter’s revelation are a lot for your wife to process right now. Maybe it would be an opportunity to bring her into the therapy context, not to win her approval/acceptance, but as an opportunity for her to safely express her feelings.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I buy my gift cards at Safeway. Since I do my own food shopping, Safeway is an acceptable place to be.

I've had a PO Box for over 10 years now, and it's close enough to the grocery store that I can stop by and make a pickup.

Plus, I have a DADT relationship, so sometimes I just go out, but a lot less now. I'm teleworking, so my usual excuse is that I just have to get out of the house for a while.

[Sandi Beech]

Hey Star,

I have a lot of the same frustration as well. There is very little time I can get dressed seeing how my wife and I are at home together most of the time. About 2 weeks ago I woke up at 2 AM and could not go to sleep. I got out of bed and got dressed except for makeup and wig and went for a half hour walk in my neighborhood. It just built up to the point I had to dress somehow.

As for shopping issues. My way around the problem was to rent a UPS box. That has worked quite well. I get a text when a package arrives. I would not use the same amazon account as your wife, bad idea. I have a second account just for my womens purchases. Your main issue is that your wife is paying the bills so any large withdrawals would be noticed so you would need to save up for expensive items.

Good luck and hang in there.

Sandi

[Star01]

My wife has a prime account so besides using it to watch movies if I want to order something I send her a link in an email of the items I want and she orders them. Grocery shopping is done online for delivery but I have bought some things using curbside pickup which I prefer. Basically instead of ordering for delivery it would be easy to get a prepaid CC and order for no contact pickup where they bring your purchase to you at a designated parking spot. That way the only requirement is for me to get some kind of card. Going into a store to shop for women's clothes scares me now because I was just getting bold enough to do that before Covid hit but I wouldn't have to same anxiety using curbside. I much prefer ordering online as I can take my time researching sizes, colors and styles without feeling panicked and grab the first things I see and getting out of there. I tend to shop hastily and end up with the wrong things and sizes when I'm stressed from being in the store. Grab and pay is not a good way to shop but that is my default mode when shopping for feminine items for myself.

She does not look over my shoulder and keep tabs on my whereabouts but Covid precautions have cramped our routine so we are almost always together. I will have to look into getting some kind of card that I can add value to. I have a VA 10% hearing disability for tinnitus from working on an aircraft carrier catapult crew in the 70's so I have a monthly amount that is all mine to spend as I wish. Actually I throw a lot of money around and have bought a guitar and a couple of effects pedals in the past couple months so money is not an issue. It's simply a matter of finding a card and I can make a test purchase the next time she spends a couple nights at the lake home. The lake place is nice because it's only a 45 minute drive and it gives us something to look forward to with travel still too risky. We alternate going up there so someone can be home with the cats so it's a nice break that a lot of people don't have the luxury of right now.

[Di]

Thanks for the suggestions about Amazon. My wife buys and sells online and does all of our Amazon orders on her account so I have never bothered to set one up. I tend to exaggerate when I say I live in a small town as a contrast to places like LA and NYC. There is a post office within walking distance, a Kohls about ten miles from here all freeway where we have returned Amazon purchases and we have a Target and Walmart about two miles. We are an outer ring suburb a half hour north of a few million people so I'm busted for taking poetic license when describing my town. I sometimes joke about our feed mill but it's actually a historical building that I believe recently changed owners and will likely house condos and a Starbucks or something along those lines.

The trouble with the cash card is that I would have to go into Target or one of the stores to purchase it which is something my wife and I have agreed to avoid due to health concerns. This is in keeping with my theme of the Covid putting a monkey wrench in our 2020 plans. And yes, the elephant in the corner of the room is my fear of communicating my needs and negotiating a better deal. I brought that up in therapy today and it's something we will be focusing on going forward.



[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

She has found hints and knows but I think she feels that "putting her foot down" is holding it in check. A few months ago an eyebrow pencil ended up in my laundry basket and we're empty nesters so it had to be mine and nothing further was said. A lot of things have changed since we had that discussion was basically her saying to keep it to myself, end of discussion. Now she has learned a lot more about it and was really great about one of our daughters coming out as a lesbian. It has been pointed out that her accepting my daughter does not guarantee that she will react favorably and I get that and am hesitant because of that prospect.

I was not going to reply but I wonder does your wife just think you stopped? Or she knows but does not want to see or know. In that case a real DADT , would you not be able to order things with your spending money you mention and it does not have to be such cloak and dagger. ( if she knows but does not want to see)
I would be honest with the therapist and have them help you figure out something so you are not as frustrated. I decided to give my 2 cents because Iwould be more mad about the secrecy of getting a card and sent somewhere else. But I am not your wife so maybe she just thinks it has gone away. It just makes me sad couples can not talk and be open.I am glad you have here to vent and find a solution .

[Star01]

Our talk was probably around eighteen years ago and I purged shortly after and didn't start again for about six years. I think the best way to describe it is that she probably feels like she nipped it in the bud so to speak. My wife is loved and respected by everyone and is one of the most caring, understanding and giving people you would ever meet.

Personally knowing her as well as I do I think that the talk would go well but I have gotten negative feedback on here that made me second guess myself and not say anything. It seems that the majority have had bad experiences and most advice has suggested that talking about it would blow up the marriage. I know the final decision is mine but I'm scared of the though of talking and that combined with mostly negative reactions has caused me to put it on hold.

On a scale of one to ten the anxiety level from my situation hovers between a six and nine with ten representing a complete breakdown and six representing when the pink fog rolls back out to sea for a couple weeks. Denial does not seem like it can continue to be sustainable indefinitely.