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Thread: Secrecy

  1. #1
    Member JennyMay's Avatar
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    Secrecy

    I?ve been lurking around crossdressers.com for a while now and have been a more active participant in recent months and one issue which keeps coming up is that of secrecy. I kept my crossdressing secret for many years because I was deeply ashamed of it. I was brought up as, and remain, a practicing Christian and thought it was sinful. Dressing was a highly sexual thing I was on a cycle where tensions would build up. I would secretly dress in a skirt, get relief, and immediately be filled with shame and thought I would never do it again. I didn?t tell my wife because when I got married I thought that would ?cure? me . Obviously that didn?t happen.

    My wife knew something was wrong and eventually we talked about it. She was shocked but she loved me and knew I loved her. We watched the film ?Just like a woman? and that helped her and me understand what was going on in me. That was (I suppose) about 25 years ago, since then we have continued to grow together. Crossdressing is, to her, just part of who I am and she not only accepts it but supports me and helps me just as she does in every aspect of life and I do with her. Often, when I?m stressed she will suggest I go and ?put on something more comfortable? (her code for dressing). I?ve also become aware of a lot of theology around being trans and accepted this is part of me, not something to repent of but something to be embraced.

    I think what I?m saying is that secrecy stultifies things. That going through the pain and risk of sharing with the most important person in your life helps you to grow and sets you free. That, at least, is my experience. Only you can know if it is the right thing to do in your circumstances but for me it was.
    Last edited by Di; 08-25-2020 at 07:07 AM.

  2. #2
    Exploring the Rabbit Hole TillyCambiare's Avatar
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    Hi Jenny,

    Thanks for sharing, I'm glad you have been able to share this with your wife and grow as a couple.

    I don't think any of us want to keep these secrets from our loved ones. But that there is an amount of guilt like you said but also fear of being rejected or ridiculed. And that's not even getting to the issues with wider acceptance. I think In the end being open and honest is probably better than keep a secret from a close loved one (like a SO) not just for the fear of being caught but from the toll it will take on your mental health.

    I say all this so why can't I do it

    Thankfully the world is changing/growing and the issue is becoming less taboo. Hopefully more people can open up and be happy.

    Tilly

  3. #3
    Member Liz Jones's Avatar
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    For me C/D came very late in life--but when it did i at first kept it hidden. To say the least i was very unhappy that i was keeping somthing important hidden from her - (the wife)
    -just not done....
    At the same time i had to face the fact that the effect of my "revelation" might be a disaster.........
    I decided to broach the subject in small steps, this i did rather than overwhelm her. The response (after a LOT reasuring i was not gay) its you being you--the relief was beyond measure! So now i have peace of mind &and can wander around the house dressed as and when--Our children know as does our grandchildren.........
    I did sugest her coming to a weekend away with me --i belong to a Manchester group-- i got a firm NO......
    I understand i am in a very happy place compared to some on here .......
    The wife irions my things &repairs them, one thing i have found --ask her advice --she's been doing it a lot longer (being female !)than me!
    As for reasuring her i am "drab" , well if you have male hobbies let her see you partisipating in them--seems to give reasurance......
    Liz

  4. #4
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    JennyMay,
    First welcome to another Brit .

    I had to nod with some agreement with the idea marriage would somehow be a cure , I also had to agree with other comments over early dressing experiences .

    Secrecy can be so destructive , what flows from it is shame , guilt lies and deceit , if not dealt with it can lead to depression and possibly worse . You find yourself saying , " I'm only a CDer so no real harm is being done " but in fact it is to yourself because you could be in denial . At some point you have to accept what will be , will be ! I can't live this way anymore , down the road from saying that the secrecy aspect is no longer a problem . I found as the net became wider the situation became easier , OK the downside in my case was the end of my marriage but we are now both happier , it was the right thing to do for everyone involved .

    You could say a secret will only fester !

  5. #5
    Senior Member GretchenM's Avatar
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    Jenny, your story is a common one and the way you express it in your words is very well done. You have a good grasp of the situation so many of us who are married face. Your use of the word "stultifies" is excellent in describing the effects.

    Liz's advice regarding a continuation of engaging in more male-like activities is right on the money. One of the greatest concerns wives have is that their husband will become a woman 100% of the time. She didn't sign up for that. Seeing you continue to do the more stereotypical male things like fixing things, doing the heavy lifting, and engaging in male activities helps them to understand that your gender identity is very broad in the gender spectrum rather than being more narrowly defined like most people. Some still don't accept it as they believe that men should be men and women should be women. The fact is, that is often the case, but not always and when it isn't that blended gender can be disconcerting to some.

    My suggestion is to keep the blended path going, but do not take abrupt right or left turns as that can upset the apple cart. Be fully aware of her feelings and, for goodness sake, keep the communication lines open.

  6. #6
    Silver Member Sandi Beech's Avatar
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    Hi JennyMay,
    Yes, dressing in secret has very damaging side effects on the person keeping the secret, and being caught can be damaging to both. After more than 3 decades of attempted progress, I have given up. My wife does know about my desires to wear women?s things so it is not a complete secret. Even so, when you consider I found a pair of my pantyhose cut up into a pile of 1 inch square pieces, I can take a hint. She wants nothing to do with it and will not even talk to a counselor about it after one time. So I have to accept that I have to dress in secret or not at all.

    I am glad you made some progress. I can only imagine acceptance.

    Sandi

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    I am glad that you and your wife were able to work through your revelation. All too often the secret is too much for a partner to bear. While I agree that truthfulness is the best policy, I also recognize that we very slowly discover the truths about ourselves...and thats not just limited to cross dressing. Plus, like all living creatures, we change over the course of our lives. So, I am sympathetic to both parties to a marriage.
    Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.

    Eleanor Roosevelt

  8. #8
    Rural T Girl Teri Ray's Avatar
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    Hiya Jenny and welcome to this great forum.

    Sounds as though you are traveling a path many here have been through. There is no perfect answer for all families. The fact that you and your wife are talking is wonderful. I agree with your thoughts about secrecy being hard and troubling. Not everyone is in a position to have the big talk. I did and like you I found it difficult and heart wrenching but so much better than hiding. Best wishes to you and your wife in finding you way through this desire and finding what works best for you both.

    Teri
    Teri Ray Rural Idaho Girl.

  9. #9
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    Jenny, I am happy it worked out well for you. Your journey is like many others on this site, including me. My wife knows, but for her it has been DADT. I also was raised in a religiously oppressive household when it came to anything or anyone deviating from the normal heterosexual relationships. I do agree, if you're "only" a cross dresser that it should not be pushed into the face of a disapproving wife. Disapproving wife does not include a wife you screams and hollers and denigrates her husband. Rather, it's his thing and she wants nothing to do with it. I've been able to keep a complete separation between my fem desires and my male life.

    "Only you can know if it si the right thing to do in your circumstances.."

    So true.

  10. #10
    Exploring the Rabbit Hole TillyCambiare's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sandi Beech View Post
    Hi JennyMay,
    Yes, dressing in secret has very damaging side effects on the person keeping the secret, and being caught can be damaging to both. After more than 3 decades of attempted progress, I have given up. My wife does know about my desires to wear women?s things so it is not a complete secret. Even so, when you consider I found a pair of my pantyhose cut up into a pile of 1 inch square pieces, I can take a hint. She wants nothing to do with it and will not even talk to a counselor about it after one time. So I have to accept that I have to dress in secret or not at all.
    Sandi
    Sandi,

    I guess this is a slightly different use case than I was thinking. The initial secrets been let out and you know further exposure won't be favourable. I guess you have to balance Marital Happiness vs CD happiness vs Mental Health strain from keeping a secret. Only you know what that balance is.
    I hope all in yours and similar circumstances can find some happiness

    Tilly

  11. #11
    Female Illusionist! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    JennyMay, u don't mention of sex is still involved in your dressing 25 years later? For many girls that part goes away over time.

    I'm 77 and have been dressing for 25 years, too. Thankfully, it still hasn't gone away for me!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  12. #12
    Member JennyMay's Avatar
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    It has diminished but not gone away. But other things have grown. I think dressing expressed itself as sexual because that was what was strong enough to push through the guilt and shame. When I accepted myself the guilt and shame went away and the sheer joy of feeling feminine became more prominent.

  13. #13
    Silver Member NancySue's Avatar
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    Hi Jenny, welcome to the Forum. I think you?ll be happy you joined. Briefly, I told my wife before walking the aisle...betting she?d run. She didn?t, but we talked and read for a long time. She accepts my dressing as part of my life. I?m one who receives stress relief, too. I chuckled...when she senses I?m uptight, she smiles and suggests...why don?t you get comfortable? Although, most of the time, I?m free to dress. Secrecy is never good which is why I took the chance to tell her. Most women?s ESP can or will sense it. We keep a great sense of humor. She just rolls her eyes when I wear my underwire bra, hose and heels. It seems I can?t wait to put on...what she can?t wait to take off...including makeup. Take it slow. It will pay off.

  14. #14
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    Welcome JennyMay,
    Like yourself I was brought up as a conservative Christian. I kept my crossdressing a secret because I was ashamed. I tried everything to make it go away, and no matter how hard I prayed nothing changed. There were times when I wouldn't crossdress for years, but the urge never left. I got married thinking that would cure it - it didn't. Fortunately my wife is loving and caring.

    After many personal struggles I have come to believe that my brain was hardwired, during my early childhood, to respond to feminizing myself by releasing a host of feel-good neurotransmitters (dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, etc.). These neurotransmitters just make me happy, eases stress, and is highly gratifying. I cannot stop my brain from releasing these neurotransmitters - it is an involuntary and automatic response. However, I can keep it under control. I can set my own limits. I suggest you discuss this with your wife and tell her that you love her, and she comes first in your life. You also want to live within her boundaries, so be sensitive to her needs and expectations too.

  15. #15
    Senior Member DanielleDubois's Avatar
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    Welcome Jenny, you will find lots of support here. Your story, as others have noted, is not unfamiliar to many of us as you can see from my recent post https://www.crossdressers.com/forums...-of-a-surprise

  16. #16
    Senior Member phili's Avatar
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    I'd add that secrecy prevents us from actually fulfilling a valuable experience of being feminine with others. When my feminine expression is part of a relationship with another person or in a social setting, it is moderated and shaped according to the diversity of people and situations. That is the GGs world, of course, and I am happy to realize that. When confined to private secret moments, being sexual was the way to make it satisfyingly intense t make up for its brevity, I think. Once I was free to be around others, sexuality retreated to its normal bounds and clothing did also, meaning it is part of my expression but not the focus. I don't need others to be a mirror, so our relationship can be normal.

    I think secrecy can be just a practical solution, or it can be our agreement with shaming. Without secrecy there is no shame. And if everyone involved is telling the truth and responsible to each other, we won't be called shameless either!
    We are all beautiful...!

  17. #17
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    I agree that secrecy can stultify things and that coming out, especially to an accepting spouse, can lead to freedom ... except when the freedom turns to Pink Fog and everything else takes a back seat. I've seen it happen quite a few times. I hope that members reading this will heed the warning. Although secrecy and a zero-tolerance policy might irrevocably damage a marriage, the pendulum can swing the other way. Abject pink fog and the resulting neglect to a relationship can also damage a marriage.
    Reine

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