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Thread: Telling my wife?

  1. #1
    Member Brandi Christine's Avatar
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    Telling my wife?

    Hi all,

    I am unsure if this belongs here of the transsexual forum.

    I have had thoughts of being a woman, and have been crossdressing for years, on and off, but over the last several it has overwhelmed me, to the point where I got a therapist to help me deal with it. The issue is I love, absolutely love, doing what I am doing, being a woman, being Brandi. It makes me so happy, it makes me smile... To make things worse I have gone into femininize overdrive over the last few months, I have the largest wardrobe I have ever had due to my shopping sprees, and I can't stop thinking about it, I even have dreams about it.

    As for my wife, who does not know about Brandi, we have not been getting along because of what I am doing, I have neglected my relationship with her as I entwined myself in being more and more feminine. It has gotten to the point where she is angry at me for the inattention, this has built up over the years, and yes, I know it is me, my fault, causing these issues.

    I am at a crossroads here, a part of me would love to continue this journey, after seeing her for two years I asked my therapist about hormone therapy, I asked her if I requested it would she recommend me for it, she said yes. For now (perhaps for ever) I declined, but it was such a good feeling knowing... If things ended between my wife and I, something I truly do not want, this is a road I would seriously consider, despite all its pitfalls.

    As I have said in previous posts, my wife (and family in general) is 110% anti-trans, vehemently so, so it is not an easy decision to tell her, but we were fighting recently, more her being angry with me due to inattention, both physical & emotional then us actually fighting. She was also questioning about some of my 'manscaping' I have been doing, she had gotten on a relationship forum of some sort and thought I was having some sort of gay affair. Between the manscaping, the inattention, and some clothing choices (colorful V-neck tee's, totally out of character for the male me) I can see why. I reassured her I have not had any sort of relationship with any other person ever in our marriage (true unless you count Brandi) but felt so badly for what I have done to her that I let on that I was seeing a therapist for an "issue" that has been with me all my life. I wanted her to know it was me, not her, that was the issue here, I do not want her hating herself...

    Telling her lifted a huge burden off me, but It has been a rocky two weeks since, she will be supportive that I am getting help one day, then she is angry that I am seeing someone (my therapist) and I did not tell her the next day. I am hoping when I tell her she understands, I have been like this for ~50 years, but it is coming out stronger then ever over the last few, and I can't stop it. I am slowly moving towards that closet door... But I also love my wife, I love the life we have built together, despite its flaws & ups and downs. Other parts of our life are improving, and would I be happy with the occasional 'sanctioned' (whether she actively knows or DADT) Brandi time to keep that life? I think so, but would she?


    Before the last few weeks I thought things were OK, but didn't see what I had done to her, I was ready to step out (beyond the hotel foyer, so to speak) en femme, now things have fallen down hard and fast.

    The question is, how do I tell her... Do I just do a "I have something to tell you and the easiest way is to just tell you, I am a crossdresser"? Do I lead up to it with stories of my past, this literally started when I was 4 or 5?

    And what do I do if she leaves me.

    brandi
    ...Damsel in distress.
    Not exactly natural, Stunning none the less...

    (As Girls Go by Suzanne Vega)

  2. #2
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    Hi Brandi,

    There is a "sticky" at the top of this section that may help you: https://www.crossdressers.com/forums...O-s-acceptance

    Best wishes to you both.

  3. #3
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    Be honest with your wife so she can move on. This isn't going to end well.

  4. #4
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    You are at a crossroads, Brandi. I think the next conversation with your therapist might look at the issues you describe in your marriage...inattentiveness to your wife?s needs and whatever else is creating the tension and anger. I know its so hard, but resolving the tension in your marriage needs to be a priority. Then deal with your desires.
    Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.

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  5. #5
    Senior Member BrendaPDX's Avatar
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    Hello Brandi, Wishing you and your wife well.

  6. #6
    Aspiring Member Star01's Avatar
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    You and I have a lot of similarities with the only exceptions being that I don't have a closet full of clothes and am getting along with my wife. My therapist and I have been discussing the pros and cons of revisiting the talk so that I can spread my wings a bit more. Meanwhile I try to deal with the waves of dysphoria without making any rushed decisions.

    I would also suggest that you take these questions to your therapist as that should help you to weigh all of the options. Some years back I came to a crossroad where all I could think of was feminizing and I was entertaining the same thoughts about taking it further. I had not found this forum and was flying blind so I did what seemed logical to me at the time and purged. How did that work out for me? Well, I'm here replying to your post so that ought to answer that question.

  7. #7
    Silver Member Micki_Finn's Avatar
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    You’ll forgive me, but this relationship is doomed. On your part, you know you’ve been causing her distress, but you don’t seem to have much remorse about that. And you’re already looking for escape hatches and making plans for the aftermath.

    On the other hand, your wife says you’re inattentive, but she didn’t notice that you were going on “shopping sprees” or seeing a therapist.

    And if she leaves you, you do what all divorced people do. You pick up the pieces and move on with your life.

  8. #8
    Silver Member Sandi Beech's Avatar
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    Sorry but I have to agree with Micki on this. It seems you have nothing to lose by telling her about your dressing because if she turns out to be accepting you might become closer. On the current path, it appears a train wreck may be about to happen.

    Like you, I fight the pink fog all the time and get in trouble with my wife upon occasion, but I realize I am not the only person in my relationship and have to pay some attention to my wife as well as my own needs. Maybe you could do something nice for her and she how she responds. Might be a better time to have the dreaded talk.

    I wish you well.

    Sandi

  9. #9
    Gold Member Sometimes Steffi's Avatar
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    I disagree with you Sandi. She does have a lot to lose. Approximately half of her "stuff", and I don't mean just clothes. Half of your cash, half of your salary, half of your cars, half of your house, half or your furniture, half of your TVs, etc.

    I think you should discuss what your like would be like if you went on hormones and got divorced. Look at the price of local apartments. Can you afford a nice one with half your salary?

    If what I'm saying makes you think I've thought a lot about it, I plead the fifth.

    I don't know how old you are, but I think my T dropped as it usually does as men age, but my E didn't. Hence my thoughts like yours.
    Last edited by Sometimes Steffi; 08-27-2020 at 09:08 PM.
    Hi, I'm Steffi and I'm a crossdresser... And I accept and celebrate both sides of me. Or, maybe I'm gender fluid.

  10. #10
    Senior Member DianeT's Avatar
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    You have two women in your life, that is one too many. It's hard to give advices in your situation. But if you stay together, your wife can't spend the rest of her life competing with Brandi. I mean, if you want to make this work, your wife must be your primary interest and the person with whom you spend most of your time (presumably in male mode, as the husband she knows and chose to live with). If she's not, you have a problem. And she needs to know about Brandi. She's already imagining a gay adventure, that means she knows there is something. She is already hurting because of this. Plus if you have plans to transition (my wife's dreaded thing), it seems even less fair to leave her in the dark. But as a saying goes here, the givers of advice are not the ones paying the price, so ultimately this is your decision. Just the two cents from a spouse who hid it for a very long time to his wife and eventually spilled it one day.

  11. #11
    Silver Member Pumped's Avatar
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    She does have a lot to lose, but the way it is going she will lose either way.

    The only hint of saving it is confessing all and hope the wife is forgiving and accepting. The other options all include a divorce. My guess it this is not going to end well unless Brandi decides to do a 180 degree turn and puts it all away, and we know how that usually works out.

  12. #12
    Silver Member Sandi Beech's Avatar
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    For Steffi, I stand corrected that Brandi does potentially have a lot to lose so I would not want to be responsible for giving advice which caused that to happen. Even so as Pumped said, things are already headed in that direction so something needs to change if Brandi wants things to hold the marriage together.

    The fact is, Brandi could lose more than 50 percent. I had jury duty in a divorce case where we had to divide up 1 million in assets. The jury crucified the man financially. Apparently the jury can assign who is more culpable and can penalize whoever is more culpable. The man only got an old car and his tools. His wife got everything else. So divorce can be pretty scary for sure.

    Anyhow I would hope that Brandi can find some way of resolving differences if that is what Brandi really wants and I hope it can be worked out.

    Sandi

  13. #13
    Gold Member Sometimes Steffi's Avatar
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    Some people make a 2-column list of pluses and minuses. I was trying to list some of the minuses. If the minuses outweigh the pluses, maybe she could shift her attitude, be more attentive to her wife and have a discussion on boundaries. After all, isn't marriage about compromises?

    And don't forget, you wife may have a list of pluses and minuses. If her minuses get much bigger than her pluses, she could give you the D (Divorce) word without even hearing the CD word.

    So, umm, mind your manners until you determine that living as a girl is going to be that much better. I know a log of CDs married to accepting wives. but I only know one CD who got married to a GG after coming out. And the GG was CD amorous. Oh, I do know another that I forgot about. The GG is pansexual.
    Hi, I'm Steffi and I'm a crossdresser... And I accept and celebrate both sides of me. Or, maybe I'm gender fluid.

  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sandi Beech View Post
    The fact is, Brandi could lose more than 50 percent. I had jury duty in a divorce case where we had to divide up 1 million in assets. The jury crucified the man financially. Apparently the jury can assign who is more culpable and can penalize whoever is more culpable. The man only got an old car and his tools. His wife got everything else. So divorce can be pretty scary for sure.
    It stinks when that happens. Some people are so horribly vindictive in divorces. Luckily Brandi lives in Arizona like me, and we're a community property state, one of the only nine. So as I understand it, the property acquired during the marriage is divvied up half and half. Property you had before the marriage you get to keep. I emphasize "as I understand it"; luckily I've never been through this mill. So the news for Brandi could have been worse. No doubt there can still be alimony and all that garbage, depending on circumstances. (The usual disclaimer: "I-am-not-a-lawyer-and-this-is-not-legal-advice!")

    I'd be curious to know how on earth a jury decides on a thing like how to divide up assets. I mean, in a criminal case they only have two choices: "guilty" or "not guilty." (Unless they're Scottish, where they have the third option of "not proven."), And they have to be unanimous. But a civil case is different. What happens if all the jurors want to divvy up the assets in different ways? What if they can't agree, if one juror is determined to hold out and say "That's not fair"? Do they take the average of what everybody thinks, or what?

    You're right, divorce can be scary, especially for men, who stand to lose so much, including their own children. I used to go in and out of the Maricopa County courthouse a number of times--not because I was involved in any litigation, but because they were customers of my company and we supplied them wth data processing. And when I went in, I noticed something. I used to fly a lot on business as well, and when I did, I only had to dump out a certain amount of stuff, coins and keys in my pocket and whatnot, to get through the metal detectors at airport security. (This was in the days before 9/11; they've tightened up since then.) But when I went through the metal detector at the courthouse, they had that thing set so sensitive that I had to strip out everything, take my belt off and other stuff too. They were far more nervous about people bringing in weapons of any kind than airlines were about aircraft being hijacked! There were so many threats against judges especially, but lawyers and other litigants as well--in what we laughingly call our "family" courts in particular, far more so than criminal courts. The disputes involved are so primal that the rage they evoke can be unbelievably intense--with all the mayhem that can result from that. Divorce is something to avoid if at all realistic; but a nasty divorce is something to avoid at all costs!

    Anyway for Brandi I do hope all goes well--or as well as can be expected--and I do concur with others in urging you to do your best to conciliate your wife. Your therapist may be a valuable ally and advisor in this process as well. I expect she has seen all this before.

  15. #15
    Member Brandi Christine's Avatar
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    Hi all, I appreciate all the comments & advise,

    I am posting here because I do want to save my marriage but I don't think I can ever stop my crossdressing, my desires, so it puts me in a really difficult place. I have thought about transitioning, but I also know the costs, financial, personal & professional costs, the physical costs, the emotional costs, and the truth is I can't afford any of them. If I could take a pill and wake up a woman tomorrow, at this point I'm not sure, but the desire is there and real, as is the fear (more for her) of how crossdressing tends to lead to wanting to transition the longer it goes on. I have had a relationship with suicide in the distant past (And yes, I'm over it), one of the things that saved me, that kept me alive, was the thought that rather then end my life I could just restart it as a woman, it kept me going...

    I have felt terrible for the last several months for being who I am in this relationship (not for being brandi, therapy has helped that) because I love her, I don't want to lose her. I know from our discussions over the last couple weeks that she wants to save our marriage too, we will see what she thinks after she knows. I have been emotionally & physically unavailable to her, off and on, for a long time. My desires go in cycles, and when they are high it is literally all I think about, it consumes me to the point where I have a difficult time with any of the other things I do in my life. I am an avid cyclist, but my bike is lonely right now, just like my wife.

    I am going to tell her, that is decided, just how is the issue, I think I just need to get it all out, and fill in the details for her (if she wants them) after, the whys, the justifications (If there can be any justifications for what I am in her world)?
    ...Damsel in distress.
    Not exactly natural, Stunning none the less...

    (As Girls Go by Suzanne Vega)

  16. #16
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    Please discuss telling your wife with your therapist. Discuss the things you see in your behavior that have isolated you from your wife and the gulf That has grown between you. And then, I would urge you to put your needs and desires for expression of Brandi one step or two below your desire to sustain your marriage.

    I failed to do this. For too long I allowed my self absorption with expressing and presenting myself as a woman to take priority over my marriage. My wife had been tolerant to a considerable extent. I didn?t respond or really even fully appreciate the internal struggles she was having until irreparable damage was done. In short, don’t do what I did.
    Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.

    Eleanor Roosevelt

  17. #17
    Member Confetti's Avatar
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    Good luck to you! The most important thing is to emphasize your feelings, and psychological need to dress. Its not adulterous but something to be said with a gentle disclosure from the beginning. My friends wife left after 6 months! If you have a kind empathetic partner it shouldn?t be too bad. But in other cases it can be the end I have a low bar these days with people. Expect the worse, but I am rooting for your success and support!

    J

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    Quote Originally Posted by Brandiaztv View Post
    I am an avid cyclist, but my bike is lonely right now, just like my wife.
    My bike knows this feeling. As the pink fog has taken over in recent months, I have totally neglected my bike, which had been my passion.

    I've been in such a mental turmoil that I simply cannot enjoy riding my bike.

  19. #19
    Gold Member Helen_Highwater's Avatar
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    Brandi,

    To even consider hormone therapy sort of takes you beyond the CD label so you need to establish in your own mind whether staying in the relationship means taking that option off the table entirely unless your SO has a real shift in acceptance at some future point. I agree you need to raise your thoughts about "having the chat" with your therapist and establish how that sits in the general scheme of things.

    I would also say that before you remotely consider hormones you need to have lived enfemme 24/7 for a lengthy period. It's a different world presenting enfemme all day, everyday. You need to be sure it's one you're prepared to enter with certainly as it's a bell that can't be un-rung.
    Who dares wears Get in, get out without being noticed

  20. #20
    Member Brandi Christine's Avatar
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    I have discussed letting her know with my therapist for a while now, it is more the how to tell her that is the issue, which I think is simply to just tell her, then fill in the details... Hopefully she will be understanding, with the information I am giving her, she could destroy me if she wanted.


    I have also discussed the hormone issue as well, for now, either way it is off the table as a realistic choice for me. I recently read "It Never Goes Away" by Anne Koch, it paints a somewhat grim picture from my point of view.
    ...Damsel in distress.
    Not exactly natural, Stunning none the less...

    (As Girls Go by Suzanne Vega)

  21. #21
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    How to tell? Consider this.. In an evening with both of you sitting on the couch sipping a glass or two of wine, start the conversation with something like this.. "Sweetheart, I just have to tell you something that is tearing me apart; it has done so for most of my life and I can't keep it a secret any more.(pause) I am a crossdresser". Don't say anything more at this time so she can let it sink in. This is how I would handle it, if my dear wife was still alive. Just suggesting. Ask your therapist.

  22. #22
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    Brandi, I do sympathize with your dilemma! I simply wanted to add that it wasn't completely clear in what respect you've been neglecting your wife--it all sounded rather general, though possibly it's "all of the above"! But it might help anyway to focus on the specific aspects she's been complaining about, and see if you can't set goals to do better in those particular areas.

    It is unfortunate that a number of women seem to jump to the conclusion that "a man must be gay" if he fails to act in the standard way they "expect" of men. There can be all kinds of reasons for it quite different from "being gay."

    I appreciate of course that you've been under a lot of stress, probably feeling overwhelmed, and suffering from depression. Depression in itself can rob anyone of motivation and the "psychic energy" to do anything--including making decisions!--though depression can also be treated. But to get back to my point, the questions I'd ask myself in this situation are things like:

    Have I failed to spend as much time with my wife as she would like?

    Have I failed to respond to her requests for help in any way?

    Are there financial issues with the money I've been spending?

    Am I fun to be with? Do I make her life happier and more enjoyable? (Yes, I know that's a hard one if you're depressed and struggling with problems, but just the same...)

    Am I positive and reassuring about life, or am I pessimistic and a "downer" for her?

    Have I complimented her, expressed appreciation for what she does for me, and for her merits in general?

    Have I listened to her and expressed sympathy for whatever feelings she has, about me, about life in general, or anything at all? (This is a common complaint of wives, that men just "don't empathize" the way women do.)

    Have I been neglecting her sexually, or failing to meet her need to feel attractive as a woman?

    Am I open to her about what's going on in my own head? This is the biggie of course, a huge problem for you; but many women (not all, but many) seem to want to know every little thing--they will go digging into men's heads, frequently coming up with the wrong answers and obsessing about them. This was just illustrated in a brilliant anecdote quoted by Jacke, stereotyped of course but true enough just the same: a woman obsessed by possible catastrophic reasons for her mate's moodiness, while all that's bothering him is that the motorcycle won't start! Yet when she asks him what the problem is, he says "Nothing." Which isn't true! What he really meant was "Nothing you can fix for me, and it's not your fault." But if he doesn't tell her the truth, she's apt to go crazy trying to figure it out. Naturally this is the problem for you, but are there still things you could have told her safely that you didn't?

    Finally, as the song goes: "Have I told her lately that I love her?"

    Maybe you've been through this already. And it's just off the top of my head. There may be other aspects too. Still, I hope it might help if you can identify some specific ways, more than others, where your wife feels you've neglected her, and concentrate on trying to remedy them. Good luck!

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    Let me understand this. You have a therapist who instead of working with you to integrate this into your life and your relationship, offered you HRT first? Can you ask for a refund?

  24. #24
    Member Brandi Christine's Avatar
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    Marianne S,

    I want to let you know I truly appreciate your input, it is helpful, I am an overly introspective person, but sometimes don't have the right questions to ask myself, you have provided some good ones, and I don't like the portrait they paint of me when I answer them honestly. I truly don't want to lose her but can see that I have been doing just that.

    I have backed off being brandi somewhat and my wife and I are getting along better, and yes I have neglected her due to my overwhelming preoccupation. Several, if not all of your questions are pertinent and have made me think. One of her big issues is we act/live like "roommates" because I don't give her the intimacy she needs. This is due to several issues, not only my preoccupation with being feminine, but also performance issues (duh, I'm supposed to be the girl, what do you expect to happen...) and I am working on that. The sadly ironic part is my wife is absolutely stunningly beautiful (I truly married up), yet because of me she is questioning her attractiveness. Knowing that makes me ashamed of myself.

    I am also working on just paying attention to and listening to her. It is still a very difficult situation as I am soooo drawn to being brandi, I am not purging but I have given up some of my 'stuff' as well as deleting some online profiles.

    As for the hormone issue, I brought it up after over a year in therapy, and while it made me feel good (fabulous actually) knowing that she would offer it if requested, as I said, it is not an option for me. On the other hand I do feel I am more then just a CD, this is a lifelong thing for me, which is why I added the first line after my greeting for this thread...
    ...Damsel in distress.
    Not exactly natural, Stunning none the less...

    (As Girls Go by Suzanne Vega)

  25. #25
    Platinum Member alwayshave's Avatar
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    Brandi, I have no experience in telling a wife that I am trans, so I cannot give you any help on that subject. But what every you say, I hope that it all turns out well for you.
    Please call me Jamie, I always_have crossdressed, I always will, "alwayshave".

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