The Talk, Chapter 2

[alwayshave]

Steffi, I'm sorry that your having so much trouble in your marriage. I hope that all works out well for you.

[Bea_]

So I told her, very calmly, that maybe we should consider a trial separation. And, remember, I said it first.

The first thing she asked was what good would a trial separation do? I said it would be a way to find out if we are better living apart, or living together with a change in the ground rules.

The very next thing she said was, "How can we afford it?" She already knows the answer, we can't, without a drastic change in lifestyle. So, as Seinfeld would say, It's out there now.

After I left her room, my wife came into mine and said this is good, We're finally talking honestly.

Teresa, if not for the grace of God, I will be following you.

As hard as a conversation like this is, my thought is that it's a good thing. Hopefully, you'll never see the separation or worse, but it good to set a hard boundary when one is needed. Now maybe the less dramatic boundaries can be negotiated in good faith.

[DianeT]

I'm sure many of you realize that intimacy for women usually begins in the head.

Oooooh yes.

[Jenny22]

Steffi said, "After I left her room, my wife came into mine and said this is good, We're finally talking honestly". That's the KEY factor needed! Good luck!

[Sometimes Steffi]

I talked to my wife about a trial separation about a week ago.



Since then things have only gotten worse, hence my decision to move to Phase 2.

Phase 2 is to work on the financial aspect of separation. [My definition]

My wife is complaining about everything I do and everything I don't do. Not crossdressing, but just everyday things like when I wake up, when I go to sleep how much time I spend on the computer, what I eat and how well I take care of my health. Like my mother, and I don't think I've been "mothered" this month since I became a teenager. I've talked to her about this, but my words aren't getting through to her.

The other morning I asked her what I just did that got her so angry at me. Her response was that 30 years ago when she was working some evenings, I would "always" get home just in time or her to leave for work. I can't deny that; it's probably true. I told her if she's still holding a grudge from 30 years ago, we can't fix that problem. What I was thinking is that my "Way-back machine" is broken and I can't go back 30 years and correct my behavior.

But, I also had an epiphany. I know what her problems are:

(1) She's starting to experience what I perceive are cognitive deficits.
(2) She had a total knee replacement 15 months ago and hasn't yet recovered. She still has some pain quite often.
(3) She's not getting good sleep
(4) Her "mood medicine" is no longer working.

Given these problems, I can see why she's lashing out at me; she almost can't help it.

Well, I almost can't help reacted badly to her toxic attitude towards me. But. now that I understand her problems, I will try to be more tolerant.

Nonetheless, I'm going to move us to Trial Separation, Phase 2.

What that means to me is we see if we can both function financially separately. My plan is to take $2000 a month out of our monthly budget and separating out finances. We pay for the current house expenses including mortgage and utilities. The $2000 is an estimate for the cost of an apartment for me, including rent and utilities. The rest of the expenses are split 50/50. I pay for my food, car and medical expenses and she pays for hers.

We try this out for 3 months before moving to Phase 3.

[Aka_Donna]

I don't think this is about CD, but more relationship. What is her buzz? You WFH and spend lots of time on computer. What do you do together? It's difficult with covid restrictions, but have you considered counseling. It may be just frustration, but you are sounding too black/white hardline, almost ah.

[Natalie5004]

Sorry man. I know that is super lousy. Do what you have to do.
I got divorced after a 13 year marriage. It was painful. In the long run I asked why I waited so long.

It took me 5 years to get my head back on correctly. I am much better now. I am married again. Next June 20 years. You will be happier after some tough years. Good luck.

[maya1]

Good luck with this. I finally decided to move out and start legal separation process. It is hard but I think the hardest part was taking that first step to go on your own. We were also concerned about the financial impact but we're splitting existing assets 50/50 and we are working with mediator to do a non-lawyer divorce to save money. I could not be happier and cannot imagine going back to old life.

[GaleWarning]

I Me Mine is what I am reading.

[Wen4cd]

Gosh I'm sorry Steffi.

It's heartbreaking to hear. I hope the separation either makes you both happy or at least gives you both a moment to breathe before facing the next phase of life.

[Bobbi46]

Steffi, I have been down the same road as you, getting nagged everyday for anything and everything, this went on for about 5 years before we seperated and divorced. There was no getting through to her, and nothing I did could please her, so we ended everything.
I am sorry this is happening to you but it seems like you have no options left.

[DianeT]

I told her if she's still holding a grudge from 30 years ago, we can't fix that problem. What I was thinking is that my "Way-back machine" is broken and I can't go back 30 years and correct my behavior.

No you can't. But you could acknowledge that she was hurt and tell her that you are sorry. From there a discussion could start, since she cared enough to share this piece of information with you. But since you seem to have figured it all out already and made up your mind (comforted by some posters here which seem in a hurry to see you end your marriage like they did instead of trying and fixing things), maybe I am not making the best use of my (and your) time writing this...

[Sometimes Steffi]

I'm listening yo all your advice, including this on from galewarning

I Me Mine is what I am reading.

At first I got defensive. That's so not me, so I initially thought.

But there's a lot of truth that I need to consider in Gale's 8 short words.

Maybe it is all me?

BTW, my newer post "Separation, Stage 2" was merged into this post by the mods.

[alwayshave]

Steffi, your wife sounds like my ex-wife. What ever happens, I hope that t turns out well for you.