Dadt

[TheHiddenMe]

I've wanted to wear dresses since I was 6 or 7 years old.

I met my wife in 1985 while traveling in New Zealand (she's an Aussie, I'm a Yank). The first few months when we met, she put makeup on me, and I tried on her clothes in front of her. I never used the words "I'm a crossdresser" but she had to know I had an interest.

Because of the long distance relationship, we didn't marry until 1992.

Around 2000 I told her I wanted to dress. She bought me makeup, a dress, some shoes as gifts (I asked for them). She often bought me panties and nighties as presents too.

In 2015 I spent a day out dressed in San Francisco and in 2016 I spent 4 days out locally while she was out of town. I told her I went out, she wasn't happy, and her exact words were "lie to me".

So I do. I don't hide my clothes. I tell her a few times when I am going out (like for a local group meeting), but often I go out and lie about what I'm doing. I will often go out dressed and come home cleaned up, saying I went bike riding (or something else). I am doing what she told me to do; I lie to her.

Over the past couple of years, she's spent more time in Australia while I'm in the US, so I can get out easier. She was supposed to return to the US May 1, but with Covid-19 and the flight restrictions, she's still there. Of course, the choices of going out are restricted.

I don't like lying to her, but I don't like dressing and staying home either. It's a compromise we have. She's tolerant, but I wish she'd be more accepting, but I've learned that's not likely to happen.

[Wen4cd]

My DADT has evolved into full blown estrangement.

I told her on the first or second date, almost 30 years ago. She seemed accepting at first.
We got married. Had a child.

I never pushed for a full-time situation, never wanted one.

But gradually, she grew to associate this side of myself with everything that she doesn't like about me.

It's narcissistic, it's self-centered, it hogs attention I should have been giving her, etc....

Over the years, I made it a point to give more attention to her than my dressing, but the disapproval got tighter and tighter.

While I don't want to transition or do anything permanent to my body, I occasionally do want to crawl out from under this rock, be seen, be social, and this became a problem.

"Why do you have to be seen? Why can't you just stay hidden? Why do you need others to validate you?" etc.

One day I went to an event, maybe 4 maybe 5 years ago.

I shaved and dressed as good as I could.

I went into a restaurant alone and en femme and then to the event, where I socialized. I even met some of you from this forum.

It was a lovely night. But my wife has never physically touched me since. The shaving for the event was "the straw that broke the camel's back."

When I excitedly told her about my dinner, she told my daughter "your selfish dad is now pushing his fetishes on poor restaurant workers who have no choice, isn't you dad a real jerk?"

Now I shave once a week, my wife does not speak to me, my daughter barely speaks to me. I have not been so much as hugged or had physical human contact in years.

And yet, she still occasionally dumps off used beauty products on my desk, like if her or my daughter try a lotion or a makeup and don't like it, it shows up on my desk.

It's a two-way street. There are plenty of things about my wife that I find just as deplorable. She is cruel to animals, cruel to anything she cannot control. She's allowed her fears and phobias to control her life, and defends her right to "avoid" anything that scares her. (Driving through tunnels, going up elevators, flying, going on boats or trains. it's made traveling and vacationing almost impossible.) She also likes to get drunk on wine almost every nighty and chuckle stupidly at trashy tv shows, which I find quite lame, but well, she says nothing to me about my lifestyle anymore, so I will say nothing to her about hers.

[Veronica Lacey]

Similar to a few others here...

I informed my then-girlfriend at about the 3 month point of dating that I found solace in dressing; I did not want to hide and lie if we were ever going to get serious. One evening I literally walked out of her closet wearing one of her white satin jacquard blouses and a black skirt with panty hose. We sat on her bed that evening chatting about it all. She was a bit shocked but was not repulsed. We have now been together for more than 26 years and have shared many conversations - and some disagreements - between us.

There have been some slight waxing and waning over the years about it all but we eventually settled into a routine whereby she knows and accepts that I like to dress as often as I can but will not push it on her. With a smile and reassuring tone in her voice she will volunteer to go downstairs to her office for a few hours once in a while to give me time to do as I please. When she is out for extended periods of time I dress and she does her part by texting me when she is on her way home, giving me ample time to return to male mode and put things away. She does not assume I dress all the time - she avoids thinking about it - but respects my desire to do so.

Does she want to see any of it? No. Does she want to feel any of it on me under my male attire? No. Does she ever volunteer to discuss it? No, although perhaps once or twice a year the topic arises for a brief spell. Do I wish I could wear what I want, when I want as I please - just in our home and not out and about - without it being an issue between us? Yes.

Having said all of this I feel that it's a fair and satisfying arrangement even if it can never go further. I told her that if push came to shove I would choose her over dressing. It's no lie and it meant a lot to her to hear that. I'd still wish to dress but she means more to me than the clothes. I am always thankful that she never leans in the direction of me having to make that decision.

If this is DADT then we are both happy with it.

[Di]

Thank you Bea for explaining explains a lot.
The Hidden Me, thanks for Your answer I am learning a lot how couples navigate . It varies a lot.
Wen4cd, , I appreciate your honesty.
Veronica Lacey, Thank you very much , I am glad it is a fair and satisfying and you both found a way to be happy.

[Genni]

I don?t think of my wife as the bad guy, but she did know of my crossdressing long before we married and only became unwilling to accept it after we tied the knot. She initially said it ?didn?t matter? and willingly participated in some bedroom play, but shortly after we married decided that it did matter after all. She said that my wearing clothes intended for women just ?wasn?t right.? I don?t know why she changed her mind, but suspect that she had only tolerated it initially and thought I would change. We married very young, after all, just days after I graduated high school (she?s a year older). We?ve now been married over 40 years. Although we had dated for 2 or 3 years, I don?t think either of us knew ourselves, let alone each other, well enough to understand what we could and could not accept.

We ended up in DADT after I tried to stop dressing but just couldn?t. Over the course of decades my femme interests evolved from only bedroom play to something more. She is aware of my femme wardrobe and only occasionally makes negative comments. I do not like the DADT situation at all, but have resolved myself to the knowledge that I cannot change her level of acceptance any more than she can change my interest in presenting female. I would wish for her support and acceptance of me being me, but don?t see that happening.

My advice for others is to talk early and keep talking. Our DADT situation and our inability to talk through my other-than-male gender interests became a huge barrier for communications generally in our marriage and has strained it immeasurably.

[NatashaCD]

I have chosen never to have children or a partner I am loving dressing whenever I feel which is almost 24/7 and traveling around Australia in my caravan
I feel sorry for alot of my sisters who have to make sacrifices stay strong

[Di]

Genni Thank you for your input and advice .

Natasha , interesting.

[jacques]

hello Di,
I had to come out to my wife early in our marriage because she noticed I was so unhappy and getting angry with her - all my own immature fault at he time.
I now dress at home with my wife, but we do not talk about it. She has never asked me how I started crossdressing or why I still do it or how it progresses (from hosiery to dresses and make up). I don't tell her about the clothes I buy. = one form of DADT
I have never "come out" to my (now adult) children, but I am sure they must know = another form of DADT
My granddaughter has noticed that I do not object to her using her make up on me = another DADT perhaps
I have encountered some work colleagues when shopping over the years; I am usually under the influence of the "pink fog" and don't see them; thankfully they never ask what I am doing" = DADT
These are all good DADT relationships I think.
Hiding the dressing and risking getting caught is something different.
stay healthy!
luv J

[Sometimes Steffi]

*Sometimes here we read the wife ends up being portrayed as the "bad guy/gal" in a situation where CDing is withheld from the beginning but the cder now claims that this is "such a huge part of their life". And have anger towards the wife over the reveal not going as you hoped. And a DADT from there on

*Others after being found out it sounds like it is just hidden again but some here call it a DADT but it is really just hidden again.

*But then also there are some that as a couple together make boundaries and and the wife just does not want to see or hear for the most part. (This would probably be the most successful)

These three seem to be what I see a lot. Please clue me in , how do you end up in a DADT?
Is it what you want?
Have you started out with a DADT and it ended up being more?

The last thing I had to resolve before asking my then GF to marry me, was what to do about my crossdressing. At that time, I was into crossdressing for the arousal that I got from it. I would put on a pair of panties, get aroused, complete the deed, and then feel guilty about what I had just done. But, I would do it all over again a week later. Since I was only into crossdressing for the arousal, I convinced myself that once married I would get more than enough arousal from my wife, and wouldn't need to take things into my own hands, so to speak. That convincing lasted until a month after we got married.

Mine wasn't a DADT story, more a hide, sneak and lie story.
Then one day I was discovered so to speak, long story so I will spare everyone.

After that, it became a hide and seek game, and I did pretty good at that for 6 years until getting caught, I had bought myself some panties and hid the hangers in one of the suitcases with the intent of tossing them into the trash. But I forgot, and the next time we were packing to go out of town, She called me at work to ask about them, but I put off a response until I got home. I had two choices: lie and make up some story or 'fess up. I confessed, and we even saw a psychiatrist about it, but neither of us were able to find the words to even bring up the elephant in the room.

Soon everything went back to normal. She forgot about it (or a least didn't bring it up again) and I went back to my old ways, but even sneakier. I made it 23 years until getting caught again. I was packing to go on a business trip, and was slipping a couple of bras into my suitcase when she came home unexpectedly. Let's just say that it was not a very good day, and the talk the next day wasn't much better. We both went to therapy, separately and together. I went for about 4 years, until I became comfortable with my crossdressing.

Around that time, her dad got very sick, and she would go down to see him for several weeks at a time. Also about that time, I found this group, I contacted some local people from the group and met up with them. Soon, I had met several more local friends, which developed into a small group of girls who would go out and about together. After my father-in-law passed away, my opportunities to go out with the girls disappeared. So, I began lying at a much higher level. When I wanted to go out, I would tell my wife that I was going out drinking with the guys. I "neglected" to tell her that the guys and I were all going out dressed as girls.

Finally, I got tired of the lying and came clean. We made some boundaries.

1. She didn't want to see me dressed.
2. She didn't want any of the neighbors to see me dressed.
3. She didn't want me to tell our daughter, or to let her find out.
4. I could go out with the girls twice a month, provided I conformed with rules 1, 2 and 3.

After about a year, I made a pitch to go to the Keystone Conference. She agreed to let me go. What she didn't tell me is that she thought going to Keystone would get it [the crossdressing] out of my system. I've gone every year for the last 10 years, except this year when it was cancelled due to Covid.

My wife has never really accepted, but she does tolerate it. I don't expect that to ever change. I'd like to go out with her as a girlfriend, but I have other friends for that. I think she's missing a lot of fun time with my outer girlfriends.

[Di]

Thank you Steffi and Jacques

[Paulie Birmingham]

It ebbs and flows with my wife. I wear panties 90 plus percent of time and pantyhose and camies too. I don't wear more very often by my choice but she knows I have more. My heels are with my other shoes and lingerie is hanging on door rack. In the past she would give me some of her clothes that don't fit anymore and would buy me panties and pantyhose and yoga pants and stuff like that. Its been 18 months at least since she bought me anything like that and I have asked. She does the laundry and knows I've bought about 30 new pair on panties this year plus hosiery and garters. I've shown her some pics of me dressed up.

Almost every night and morning she rubs her hands over the panties I'm wearing so I'm not going to complain too much. And that often leads to more.

So it's pretty open and positive feedback with some stuff. And dadt with other stuff.

Eh, works for me. It is more for sexual kicks now and before than anything else.