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Thread: Dadt

  1. #1
    Administrator Di's Avatar
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    Dadt

    *Sometimes here we read the wife ends up being portrayed as the "bad guy/gal" in a situation where CDing is withheld from the beginning but the cder now claims that this is "such a huge part of their life". And have anger towards the wife over the reveal not going as you hoped . And a DADT from there on


    *Others after being found out it sounds like it is just hidden again but some here call it a DADT but it is really just hidden again.

    *But then also there are some that as a couple together make boundaries and and the wife just does not want to see or hear for the most part . ( This would probably be the most successful)

    These three seem to be what I see a lot.Please clue me in , how do you end up in a DADT?
    Is it what you want?
    Have you started out with a DADT and it ended up being more?

    What would you wish for in your relationship.?
    What advice do you have for couples after what you have gone through?
    Lets talk about DADT.
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    You forever and always will be my one and only true love . ❤️

  2. #2
    Weirdest woman ever! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    Nice post, Di. Too many here think DADT means SHAL! Sneak, Hide, And Lie!

    I had an excellent experience with my adult daughter who moved out in Feb. She moved in with me full time when she was 18. The previous 15 years I shared custody with my ex. So, 1/2 of every week, and every other weekend, Sherry had the house to herself!

    After nearly getting caught many times? I felt I had to tell her. She did NOT approve! So, we worked out a compromise. I tried to dress when she was out. But, either way, I told when and where in the house or yard I planned to dress so she could avoid seeing me. Except for one accidental viewing of Sherry? Our arrangement worked perfectly for 6 years!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  3. #3
    Administrator Di's Avatar
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    That was a great compromise Sherry. Glad it worked out so well.
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  4. #4
    Senior Member Pumped's Avatar
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    Mine DADT started it after my wife found a pair of my panties. She laid them out for me to find and didn't say anything. By the time I found them we had friends over for dinner. It was a strange evening until the left and we could talk. We went through the "talk", she didn't want anything to do with it, I purged and was miserable, but after a few months I accumulated a few items and dressed only when I was out of town which was weekly. A couple months later she wanted to talk and gave her approval, but didn't want to see any of it. I wonder if she knew, but has never said anything. The DADT period was probably a year. It has slowly evolved to us shopping together, and having "girls" nights on the weekends, dressing up, painting out nails and hanging out together.

    The time was probably over a 3-4 year period, so it didn't change quickly. I remember the first time she saw me dressed she just wrinkled up her nose, she was not impressed, and it wasn't a good feeling. These days I can put together an new outfit and she gets a kick out of what I come up with. I tend to dress a bit on the trashy side, with a few conservative outfits tossed in. I let her know I like to have fun with it, I am not trying to pass, not trying to impress, just be a bit crazy.

  5. #5
    Administrator Di's Avatar
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    Pumped, Sounds like these days it is going much better for you both. Good to hear.
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  6. #6
    Gold Member Crissy 107's Avatar
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    Good topic to discuss.
    I had suppressed my feminine side for many years and really thought I could continue that way. Around 7 years ago, for some reason I was thinking about CD’ing and found another similar site like this and immediately joined. In no time I had gained the confidence to talk with my wife. The talk went well and of course with a bunch of questions. My wife was apprehensive but said who was it really hurting. My wife offered me some of her panties that did not quite fit her anymore. A couple of days later she had laid out 19 pairs on our bed and called me upstairs. Needless to say I was very happy and thanked her immensely. She also bought me a few things in addition to giving me more things she did not want.
    We started wearing matching panties most days and happy to show each other after showering. Without getting into it our fun in the bedroom took off. This continued for several months. She went away on a trip with a girlfriend and when she came back things were different. She was more aloof and the fun we had ended. I thought for sure she spoke to her girlfriend but she said she did not. I tried talking and she did not want to. I asked without pushing things too much and all she would say she thought it was a phase I was going through. I explained it was not a phase and had been in me since I was young. She refused to believe it.
    I never pushed things and was going slow, very slow and knew from others not to screw things up by overstepping or going too fast. I never wore her things behind her back, I knew better, but when she asked me if I had I answered honestly that I had not though I think she did think I was not telling her the truth.
    Before she had gone away she had given me a gift card to get my first pedicure, it was at her salon but was told by the nail tech that guys do not get color. I then found my own salon and have been there over 6 years.
    My wife went from being so very good to barely tolerant and it has remained that way. I do what I can when I can and do continue to get pedicures every 4/5 weeks. She really does not care to see my color but I do walk around not hiding it.
    This is my story and wish it was different but at least I get to do some things but not at all what I would love to do.
    Sorry this was so long.
    Last edited by Crissy 107; 09-04-2020 at 04:49 AM.
    Crissy

  7. #7
    Member JoanneNY's Avatar
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    Mine started when my wife found my water balloons i carelessly left on the dresser. she just asked what they were there for and that led to the opening discussion. the result was, "OK, If that makes you happy than fine, but I do not want to ever see it". So began my DADT life but it went near totaly dormant when the big "C" entered the picture and my sole focus was on her and it. We had 45 years of a good life until I became a widower, and then the fog came on full force and here I am.
    Joanne

  8. #8
    Administrator Di's Avatar
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    Crissy, Not too long at all and I appreciate your explanation very much.
    williewallie, I bet she felt the same way 45 years of the good life.
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  9. #9
    Aspiring Member DianeT's Avatar
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    Hi Di, I don't know if it qualifies as DADT, but my wife isn't in a hurry to see me, and I am not in a hurry for her to see me. A reason why I changed to a silhouette avatar when she joined and never showed her any pictures. On her side, she's not attracted to males presenting as females (although she's fine with men wearing skirts or dresses as long as they present as males), on my side I like to lounge alone when I do it and don't need nor desire attention in the process. It's not DADT per se however because we speak openly of what I do exactly when I "dress". So it's more Do Tell but Don't Show.
    Take care.
    Last edited by DianeT; 09-04-2020 at 09:16 AM. Reason: Dressed in woman attire -> presenting as females + details about it
    "There's one thing I don't understand. The thing that I don't understand is every [bleep]-ing thing about crossdressing." - The Blimey
    For those who consider telling their SOs, read this fine manual first: https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?13841-How-to-tell-your-partner

  10. #10
    Administrator Di's Avatar
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    DianeT, Perfect
    That works Do tell but Do not not show.
    This exactly what I want to read , how it got there , does it work? Seems to work perfectly in your case. I am all for what keeps a loving relationship together.
    Last edited by Di; 09-04-2020 at 09:39 AM.
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  11. #11
    Aspiring Member SaraLin's Avatar
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    OK - here goes...

    First, I'm what I call "semi DADT" Panties and nighties are OK. Anything else, she doesn't want to see.
    Funny - but since I'm retired, I probably spend more time in my "comfy clothes" than male garb.

    OK - not to address your questions:

    how do I end up in a DADT?
    Well, before we got too serious, I told her everything about me.
    We set some rules of what's OK and what's not.
    So - my DADT was in place from the beginning.


    Is it what I want?
    No, of course not. If left unchecked, I'd like to be a full time female.
    But I'm not the only only one involved here, so a balance needs to be maintained

    Have I started out with a DADT and it ended up being more?
    Not really - there has been very little forward movement - possibly because I don't push AT ALL!
    If I tried, I could probably get a bit more freedom to wear what I like, but I worry that it might make her unhappy. So - I don't try.


    What would I wish for in my relationship.?
    Mostly I wish for a loving, supportive, and caring relationship. For the most part, that's what I've got.
    I'd love it, of course, if she were more supportive of my -um- inclinations. I'd love to have "girls' nights out" and to get fashion and makeup tips from her.
    But not having it isn't a deal breaker for me.
    I can be reasonably content where I am.

    What advice do I have for couples after what I have gone through?
    I don't have any pearls of wisdom to share. I just try to be the best husband/mate/partner/(whatever term fits best) I can be.
    If I do a good enough job at that, the rest seems to work itself out - at least so far, it has.

  12. #12
    Senior Member GretchenM's Avatar
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    Thank you Di for bringing this up. It is such an important topic and I think your comments of how it goes and evolves is right on in most couples.

    Back in 2012 I realized I had to come out or something very bad was going to happen. Hiding something for 66 years is not really a good idea. The coming out was fairly uneventful but I could tell my dear wife was frightened about what this could mean. I went to a local Gender Identity Center and was accepted for therapy. I also went to group therapy and explored the many variations of transgenderism by getting to know actual people. Most in the group therapy were transitioning people and I enjoyed the relationships and found they were really good and caring people, but I was not one of them with regard to my identity. I could not relate to their perspective.

    So, after several months I stopped as I felt I had a grip on the direction to go personally. My wife also saw a therapist there a few times. She did not want to participate in my activity and seemed to partially put up some roadblocks that were more like big speed bumps. We finally agreed to keep it between us for the most part and try not to let it out in the open. I wasn't even sure I wanted it out in the open except to a few select people. We set boundaries and it has gone well, but it is still a bit of a blockage in our relationship. I think with our discussions of the nature of transgenderism as described in peer reviewed journals (we are both scientists) the boundaries have eased a bit into more of an limited acceptance. However, the original agreement, although it has evolved a bit, remains in tact and is comfortable.

    In my view, our society barely approves of this behavior within the marital environment, but it happens and is certainly very different than it was in 1969 when we got married. Ideally, DADT is not really a good term, in my opinion. Di, your mentioning of boundaries in your initial post is VERY important.

    Boundaries are really important in keeping people from trampling each other's toes. Boundaries create a coordination in the dance of love and marriage and no two people are ever a perfect match. It is the way that you keep peace. Perhaps this in not appropriate, but I feel some people here who think they are more feminine operate within this CD/Trans environment in a rather masculine way in that they think because they are male they fall back on the gender binary rules which basically says that "The man wears the pants in the house and the woman follows." That is never going to work in a relationship where CD/Trans issues are afoot. You really need to use a "What is good for the goose is good for the gander" (and visa versa) approach to avoid major conflicts and that means setting boundaries at places that allow both people of the relationship some freedom to be themselves while minimizing conflicts. My wife has never met Gretchen in full plumage and doesn't want to. Hard to unsee things you see. She married a Man. It will probably happen some day, but I do my best to respect her needs and desires and she respects mine. So far, it has worked well. Does she fully accept it? Not at all, but there is a comfortable tolerance that is defined by well thought out boundaries.

  13. #13
    Administrator Di's Avatar
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    SaraLin, Thank you,I got a complete picture and I appreciate your helping others see the inner workings. Your comment on being the best partner you can be makes me smile. Thank you very much.

    GretchenM, You explained it brilliantly. I like how you pointed out the respect factor. Very very important. Thank You so very much for your post.
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    You forever and always will be my one and only true love . ❤️

  14. #14
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    Di,
    My own personal feelings on DADT is it's a short term compromise imposed until something more tangible can be worked out .

    To simply not to talk about something doesn't solve anything . Again from my perspective it just meant ways to work round my wife so lying , deceit , shame guilt etc . still hung over my head .

    I admit it's wrong to make the wife/partner the villain of the peace she didn't sign up for it but then as I see it neither did we ! The fact many of us don't have a choice in the matter we are stuck with being CDers or TG . So I guess we hope the love and closeness of marrige may just help us out to some degree . That is when we may discover more about ourselves and more about our partners . I found it a harsh lesson in what I expected from my wife and what she actually was prepared to accept , OK I'm also going to add it was pretty tough on her as she had possibly thought she's lost her husband and father to her children . That is where I feel DADT doesn't help because those conversations never happened , even an input to counselling . Being a CDer /TG in a marriage can be a very lonely place at times , I called it solitary confinement , the suppression through DADT can be mentally exhausting , in my case I ceased to function .

    In my case the inevitable had to happen DADT finally lead to separation , we finally began honest , open dialogue once we had agreed to part but there was no going back from that point .

    My advice is don't enter DADT if you can possibly avoid it , it doesn't really work for either party long term , you can only walk on eggshells for so long !
    Last edited by Teresa; 09-04-2020 at 09:07 AM.

  15. #15
    Exploring NEPA now Cheryl T's Avatar
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    Mine wasn't a DADT story, more a hide, sneak and lie story.
    Then one day I was discovered so to speak, long story so I will spare everyone. After that she tried to "accept" but it didn't go well so I "swore I'd quit" and we all know how that goes.
    Well, years later I just told her I had not quit and that this is part of me and WE have to work this out whatever it takes. It took a while but she became fully accepting and helpful and we go everywhere together. I dress when I wish without question and we discuss everything. It wasn't easy, it wasn't quick, but it was something that brought us closer in the end.
    Wear what makes you feel Confident !

  16. #16
    Administrator Di's Avatar
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    Theresa, Thank you for your input. It is not for everyone and Every couple.

    Cheryl T, So glad for the outcome.
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  17. #17
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    I started out our relationship open about my then limited cross dressing. Somewhere along the line, the desire increased beyond what she originally accepted, and frankly, I thought that incrementally expanding my dressing around her might ease her into accepting more. It didn?t. I think in retrospect it was like water torture for her...each steady drip by drip made it harder for her.

  18. #18
    Aspiring Member Star01's Avatar
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    First I often see comments chastising those of us who didn't lay everything on the table prior to getting married. I think if one has read enough experiences a common theme for many is not coming to grips with what we are until later in life. I had dabbled in crossdressing at around 13 but dismissed it as a passing puberty kink. It came back for a while at 35 but I was caught and shunned by the religion I was involved with at that time. Years later in my 50's it came back with a vengence and my thoughts scared me then my wife confronted me about shaving and that that resulted in her saying she didn't want to see or know about it. The combination of my thoughts about it and her reaction caused me to purge.

    I gained something like 40# after that and considered my dressing to be over. The fog hit again in 2012 hard enough that I felt comfortable dressing as a full figured girl.

    I don't lie because she never asks about it and I only dress fully when she is gone overnight. Some would consider hidden clothes as sneaking, I think of it as keeping my side of the agreement. I still keep myself smooth and underdress in panties and do my own laundry separately. I don't lie but similar to a used car salesman I don't tell all unless specifically asked.

    I don't want to blow up a 50 year marriage but I want to have the freedom to dress more. I still haven't figured out how I could accomplish that without any repercussions. The fog has rolled out for the first time in ages so much that she has stayed at the lake home s few times and I didn't dress while she was gone.

    It is a delicate and risky balancing act that I wish I didn't have to perform. If things were different I would probably dress and go out in public but admittedly I am holding back. Therapy waits for my descision and is ready to help but cannot decide for me. I am in limbo and would not choose this if I could just purge and walk away from it all. It really isn't a pleasant situation and is not my wife's fault.

  19. #19
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    Nice question with distinctions between the various outcomes. I do not know if I fall into the category of withholding pertinent information before my wife and I were married. If I had been an active cross dresser during our courtship days, then I'd say I withheld some pertinent information which may or may not have broken the engagement. Where does it fall when a guy many years ago I dabbled in his mother's lingerie draw and it was truly in the distant past? Nothing more than wearing his mother's bra, panty and slip, and, on occasion engaging in self gratification. In our case my love of nylon was rekindled after marriage and did enhance the pleasurable experience of both husband and wife. We bought several nightgowns together. She bought me some hosiery. Then my interests started to go further. It was our daughter opening the bottom drawer of my armoire and yanking a Vanity Fair bra out of a small box. I had bought one bra. That was it. There were some slips in the box. No wig. No makeup. No heels. No dresses. We had the talk after my wife asked 'Why would a man wear a bra when he has nothing to pack into it?" A very valid question. That was about 1983. With some hindsight which developed within a couple of months it was becoming obvious my desire to have her affirmation of my cross dressing was bordering on spousal mental abuse.

    She wanted nothing to do with it. Zip! Nada! Nothing. She has not said one word since! Maybe, on three occasions since then she had found some garment or a pseudo breast form (water balloon) I had failed to put away. She just told me she found a bra or panty and placed it away from visitor view on top of the dryer. Nothing more. No ranting. No comments. On occasion she saw I received a small parcel which I would not disclose the contents. If she was out running errands on public transportation (non driver) she would call to let me know which bus she was on and whether or not she needed help with her purchases....buys too much fabric, etc. Does she call to give me a heads up? Perhaps, but rarely am I en femme or dabbling in lingerie when she is out.

    So, our marriage is really a deep DADT to the extent sometimes I wish she would say something....anything. But, it is her choice. Am I hiding anything? If she does not want to know I do not call it hiding. I would gladly share this side of me. However, I do totally understand she is not interested in this aspect of my inner self. As she said, "If I wanted to be married to a woman, I would have married a woman!"

    She also threw into the initial "Talk" there were and still are secrets in her closet she does not want to talk about or seek counseling for. That is one of the reasons she stated for not dumping me. It would have been two-faced to dump me when she has her issues too. I see a counselor and attend group counseling for Viet Nam War combat veterans. I hid plenty from her about that which she has come to see and understand. Those issues were all laid out for her, not intentionally, but they are out for her to see and deal with. What issues really had an effect on our marriage of almost fifty years? It is not the cross dressing. It is her "hidden" issues prior to my ever meeting her, and, my combat related issues.

    If she were to tell me to go get dolled up, break her silence, I would not do it. I respect my wife too much.

  20. #20
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    Stephanie,
    You make a very good point about DADT working in both directions , I feel my wife had issues that should have been talked about and in fact somethings perhaps she should have told me before we married .

  21. #21
    Administrator Di's Avatar
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    Thank You kimdl93, I am hoping this thread will show the struggle on both sides. I appreciate your answering.

    Stephanie47, Thank you for your service , and I am so glad you are seeing a counselor. My entire family is military including my daughter. It is very important.Thank you for answering.

    Star01
    Thank you for your honest post and I hope you find your answers.
    About the chastising, I do it ( hope it does not come off as chastised) in hopes a younger cd who joins ( there are many every day that mostly read) understands it does not go away, it will not disappear with marriage . And for many ( most wives) the not being told is the hardest thing for many to overcome.
    Last edited by Di; 09-04-2020 at 11:47 AM.
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    You forever and always will be my one and only true love . ❤️

  22. #22
    Aspiring Member Star01's Avatar
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    Stepanie47, we share some commonalities including veterans status, age as I was on the flight deck of a carrier during Nam and our DADT situations and our way of coping sound very similar. Even the line "I didn't marry a woman" is shared and mine added that I'd make an ugly woman and I could never be a real woman until I can have a baby. That is the default reasoning shared by the masses and quite honestly the talk was a complete surprise that I was not prepared for when it happened. That preceded my participation in this board so I had no answer about anything including a come back more then no to the "does that mean you're gay" question. She basically "put her foot down" in an effort to "stop this nonsense before it goes any further" and I think that's how most wives look at it. Even now after finding this board and six months of therapy to help sort things out I am still not any closer to revisiting the talk. I think she might take it better now since we had a daughter who realized she was gay at 45 and ended a 20 year marriage. She was supportive of that and in fact making a big deal about how brave my daughter is for coming out but I have a hunch anything I did might not garner that same kind of understanding and I would not be praised for being brave.

    It is my choice to live in this limbo land of not being able to dress as I please or expand on what I can do in private. On the one hand it's driving me up the wall most of the time and on the other hand I respect and want to preserve the marriage. My way of doing that is living within these tight confines and limiting my wardrobe to whatever can fit in small storage area which isn't much. I admit to a measure of envy when reading the lengthy stories about how happy some are being able to dress at home and go out in public with their wives approval. I don't see myself ever being able to sell that here.

  23. #23
    Aspiring Member kayegirl's Avatar
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    Di, a thought provoking thread.
    My situation is much like DianeT , more of a Doctor ask and tell, but don't want to see. This has ended the case with both my first aname second wives. Both knew before we married, and both laid out the boundaries. With my second wife those boundaries are much more liberal. I only possess female underwear, and Wear a nightie every night. In addition most of my general day to day clothing is from the female side of the shop. We will shop together, and she will comment on my choices. She is fully aware that on those days when she is at work, I will dress and venture out.
    All in all, I think that we are in a happy place, we have our boundaries and I am not about to push them further.

  24. #24
    Administrator Di's Avatar
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    Kayegirl, I am so happy you both are in a happy place . It sounds like it is a win win.
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    Sherlyn,My beautiful sweet girl
    You forever and always will be my one and only true love . ❤️

  25. #25
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    I'm not in and have not been in a formal DADT situation. But, I'll give you my take, as a hybrid/androgynous/MIAD. She's gone from some pretty tight boundaries to fairly open, but almost exclusively at home. I've been up front with the fact that my taste extends beyond her current boundaries. The part that extends beyond her comfort is semi/informal DADT. I tend to test the waters occasionally with things that are experimental for me. I don't want to push a boundary only to find out that my tastes don't go in a certain direction. Some things that I've thought I'd like have turned out to be non-starter items.

    My issue with DADT in general is that it feels like "making love only the lights out". It's like one person telling another "I love you and I want you, but only if I don't have to see...(fill in the blank)" It would be like having a deformity that, if the spouse had to look at, she would be disgusted. I have a problem with the idea of my wife only being able to accept me if she doesn't really have to see me.

    My wife's figure has changed dramatically since her size zero wedding dress 45+ years ago. If my desire for her depended on her maintaining a standard that my mind imposed on her, I cannot help but feel that she'd be hurt. It's not that different for me. Fortunately, she has adapted fairly well.

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