All of it. I?m at a point in my life where this part of me needs expressing. I am not myself, and the burden of my internal conflict is taking its toll on my family. Pretty sure my marriage is over, but the stated intention is to keep the family together somehow. I stayed in a hotel for the weekend hoping that ?scratching the itch? would help. I am struck by the paralyzing anxiety, how do people overcome being open with their loved ones, when the thought of being judged just walking through a lobby, by people you?ll likely not ever see again? This is WITH a mask!! How do you learn to silence the insecurities that crush progress? I?m floundering, utterly baffled that this thing that demands to be seen, will shutdown so easily. Aren?t I supposed to get myself together, and feel the weight lift from my spirit? Does the fact that it doesn?t mean I?m not who/what I think I am? I don?t know what to do. I?m craving community at the worst possible time, but I have to find some people who get it to be a part of my life. People to be around in whatever configuration happens to fit the day. All the avenues I?ve found seem to be centered around hook-up culture, and while that has its merits, it?s not what I really find myself in need of. These moments where I get to inhabit this skin are supposed to be restorative and rejuvenating, not a stark reminder of just how alone I feel in the world.
