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Thread: do your kids know?

  1. #1
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    do your kids know?

    Looking to hear from anyone and everyone on the subject of telling your children. I don't know where I stand on the issue myself. On one hand, I feel like they should know because we have raised them to be accepting and honest and embrace whoever they decide to be... while we hide this secret. On the other hand, since DH is not "out" we would be burdening them with keeping the same secret for us and that seems unfair. For reference, our kids are older teens. I would love to hear your experiences. thanks in advance.

  2. #2
    Aspiring Member Jenny Elwood's Avatar
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    Our kids don't. They range between the ages of 7 and 16. Going through puberty is hard enough without knowing your dad likes to run around in dresses... It also doesn't sit quite well with our religion. Once they've grown, we will reassess and probably tell. That is if my wife's biggest nightmare (having a crossdressing husband) hasn't come to an end by then.

  3. #3
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    Both of our kids are in their 30's and both know. Our daughter doesn't care at all. Our son is handicapped and it is confusing for him. He doesn't like it.

    EDIT:

    After reading more of the responses, I wish to add that it is a personal choice between you and your husband whether or not you tell them. If you choose not to, he shouldn't leave tell tale items laying around. If you choose to tell, don't expect them to keep a secret.

    The choice is between the two of you.
    Last edited by char GG; 09-08-2020 at 10:06 AM.

  4. #4
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    My kids (all adults) know.

  5. #5
    Girliegirl Jillian Faith's Avatar
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    Two married daughters 32 and 29 neither know and it will probably stay that way.
    Jill

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  6. #6
    Member Cassiek's Avatar
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    I am on the same page as Jenny. I have two boys 12 and 14. I am divorced which is not going well she is a royal pain in my ass. I do think that to continue her spiteful behavior she told my 14-year-old. He has recently begun discussions with me regarding Gay and transgender issues. If he straight up asked me I will be honest with him I feel that no matter what he loves me all the same

  7. #7
    Aspiring Member Fran Moore's Avatar
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    Tmi?

    Hi River, and thanks for your question. Our children (adults) do not know, but in a perfect world (without predjudice, discrimination, fear, and social shaming directed at LGBT people) I would see no reason not to tell them, unless mutually agreed that we should not. Since this is not the case, and due to my S.O.'s wishes, they may never know. For me, there is not much of an "upside" to giving them that information as it won't improve their individual lives and certainly could strain the relationship we have with at least one of them who has made it clear that he is anti-trans anything, and that in turn would possibly affect the time we spend with our grandkids, which we cherish.
    I believe that as parents, we have to pick and choose what we share with our children, and there are other things that they do not know about us and our relationship. I also believe that there is much that we do not know about our childrens lives as well. Neither did my parents divulge everything to my siblings and I when we were kids, or later as grown adults for that matter. That's not to say that every family has it's secrets, but I would bet that the majority of couples have information that isn't known or shared. Sometimes things are better left unsaid, and each of us has to decide what, if anything that should be.

    Fran
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  8. #8
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    All 3 of our grown kids know. We do not let our grandkids know as they are still ver young. One of my daughter in laws family has a trans female and the other is a lesbian. So they are all ok

  9. #9
    Reality Check Krisi's Avatar
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    My kids do not know. Only my wife knows. My kids are grown and live far away.
    Krisi

  10. #10
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    two adult son's 34 and 31 that don't know and i pray they never do, told my wife 10 yrs ago(after 27 yrs of marriage) while we are still married it is in name only

  11. #11
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    Our kids are 45 and 40 years old. They do not know. My wife and I are in a deep DADT marriage of almost fifty years. Therefore, the subject has never arisen since we do not talk at all about my cross dressing. I do not think they figured anything out on their own. Once my daughter did ask if I shave my legs. No, I explained that I do not have any hair follicles on my calves and thighs. I sort of kidded her that it took her for that length of time to notice. Anyway, my wife opined once that she did not have anyone she could talk to about my cross dressing. My opinion is nobody needs to know as I do not flaunt my cross dressing in any manner. As an aging husband and wife there is always the possibility I will be revealed after my death, if my wife were to die before me. Who would be around to clean out all the women's clothing? That issue does bother me as I would not be around to explain myself.

    The questions always arises as to how any reveal would affect the kids' viewpoint of dad and mom. Just in these last few weeks my son figured out one of the deep dark secrets of the family involving his grandmother. The secret was known to only three; mother-in-law, wife and me. My wife explained what happened over sixty years ago. Our kids said it did not matter at all and it did not change their love for their grandmother at all. Additionally, both kids are supportive of gay/lesbian and transgender rights.

    I see no value in telling young children and expect them to keep quiet. It is not fair to draw them into a web of secrecy. Society is not as open as you think when it comes to deviations from the norm. Young kids can be brutal with bullying others. My wife is a retired teacher. She has seen the taunting that can be heaped on kids as early as kindergarten.

  12. #12
    Senior Member Asew's Avatar
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    My kids in elementary school through middle school have all known for about 2 years now. I am pretty much out now (to friends and family, social media, etc) and my wife was the first to know and a few close friends then we told the kids. My wife's biggest concern is the kids being bullied so anything in our town where their schoolmates might see us I dress as a man. Otherwise I dress as non-binary most of the time and even go out with the kids and wife dressed (usually in a more muted manner like a t-shirt and skirt).

    I think it is important to let them know if you plan on being out in the long term. Exposing your kids to diversity is never a bad thing. It should make them more tolerating and accepting of both you and a diverse world.

  13. #13
    Senior Member Laura912's Avatar
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    River, the variable responses here will not provide direction for your own personal situation. If you and DH do not want anyone else to know about your secrete, do not tell anybody else including your children till they are much older and only then with some risk of exposure. Teens need teens with whom they can talk and share private thoughts. If knowing the secrete you share with your SO becomes too much for them, they will talk with other teens/friends/confidants about the issue. For now, strongly consider not telling any one else if you wish to retain your privacy.

  14. #14
    Gold Member bridget thronton's Avatar
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    My adult kids and their partners know and do not care - better from me than a stranger

  15. #15
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    My kids are young teenagers. They don't know and shouldn't have to concern themselves with it. They have enough other things to worry about.

    They also don't know a bunch of other things we do behind closed doors.

  16. #16
    Silver Member Bobbi46's Avatar
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    My kids are both 46 and 42 respectively and they did not know but as Bobbi evovlved it became a burden to me and first i came out to all of my friends here first and thought that that would suffice, but after finding my current girlfriend things changed a lot and it soon became a great need to tell. I told my son first and then my daughter, she was over the moon and is very happy for me, however my son was initially very hostile towards me but has settled down a bit. But he has not told his wife or his young kids yet and seeing as I am hoping to vist my extended family next year (by the way they all know too) I have asked my son what the situation will be with me visiting dressed, he has not replied to this! but there is a lot of time till I go and so the interim period may be the healing time needed.
    I am a lot happier than I was now knowing I have nothing to hide from my family.
    I started life a lost man now I am a found woman

  17. #17
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    To each their own, but I wouldn’t share w/my children. They already have plenty on their plate. Why add the stress.

    I would potentially consider it, if I saw signs that they were dealing w/similar issues, but I would be very careful and cautious about it.

    I do not agree w/CDers who just wish to share for their own selfish purposes.

  18. #18
    Member JaymeCD's Avatar
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    It has been a long time battle with my wife, she "tolerated" me dressing moderately at home as our daughter was approaching 4 and half to 5. Around that time without being able to say a word she totally cut me off saying I had to stop. Our daughter is almost 6 now and she has prying eyes when it comes to my phone (I have a fem Instagram account I post to). Plus there is one time we went to the mall and I tried on a dress with her and word got out to my wife. How it got out was by her telling her babysitter that my dad likes to wear dresses and another time her babysitter was folding thong panties and she said my daddy wears those.
    Back to my point, I wanted her to grow up seeing me dressed so that she would think it was nothing out of the ordinary. At this age point and time, she thinks it's funny. I had a talk with her to let's keep this secret between us. I wanted her to grow up opened minded and I wanted to be the example. Lately she hasn't said anything, but when she is a little older I hope she questions me about it. Outside of all this, my wife does not say a word about me dressing. I'm just the same old "masculine" person I've always been. We'll see what happens in the future.

  19. #19
    Connie Connie D50's Avatar
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    I have two daughters and I told them when I felt they where old enough to understand and I'm glad I did. To be honest I think them being daughters made it easier.

  20. #20
    Biker Babe Phoebe Reece's Avatar
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    My wife and I decided before our children were born that they would grow up knowing about my crossdressing. Our thinking was that if we tried to keep it a secret, sooner or later they would find out. The finding out of such a secret might encourage our children to keep secrets from us. We wanted them to grow up with a feeling that they could trust us and we could trust them. That strategy worked for us. My crossdressing was not a problem for them as they grew up. I refrained from crossdressing when they had friends around and they knew it was something not to be discussed outside our home. Our daughter is now 44 and our son is 40. They are both very honest and moral individuals. My wife and I are very proud of how they turned out.
    Phoebe

  21. #21
    Member JaymeCD's Avatar
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    @Phoebe Reece Wonderful, my dream outcome. I'm glad it worked out for you. I'm hoping to stay close and honest with my daughter and hope they become moral as yours did ��

  22. #22
    Silver Member CynthiaD's Avatar
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    Yes. They’re grown, approaching middle age.

  23. #23
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    Well my Son was an adult when I came out and is fully accepting.

    But I always hid my crossdressing from him when he was growing up. Because I always felt children should be allowed to remain innocent. It's not fair to burden them with keeping family secrets. I don't see a big difference between telling a child not to talk about how daddy dresses at home and telling a child not to talk about how daddy hits mommy when he is angry. I know they are not the same thing but to a child it robs them of their innocence and reinforces in their minds that what you are doing is wrong in exactly the same way.

    I think unless you are fully out as TG or in transition, children should be not told or involved until they are old enough to fully understand.
    Last edited by Robertacd; 09-08-2020 at 02:29 PM.

  24. #24
    dress to feel the energy Shely's Avatar
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    I too have to married daughters and five grandchildren and one great grandson, none know and I also hope to keep it that way.
    https://www.flickr.com/photos/lovethatdress/

  25. #25
    New Member _Abby_'s Avatar
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    Hi River,

    Mine are teenagers and I've not spoken to them about it.

    Guess if it came up or they asked, I'd be honest. Otherwise though, I don't feel the need and can't see how it would benefit them.

    Good luck.

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