do your kids know?

[River GG]

Looking to hear from anyone and everyone on the subject of telling your children. I don't know where I stand on the issue myself. On one hand, I feel like they should know because we have raised them to be accepting and honest and embrace whoever they decide to be... while we hide this secret. On the other hand, since DH is not "out" we would be burdening them with keeping the same secret for us and that seems unfair. For reference, our kids are older teens. I would love to hear your experiences. thanks in advance.

[Jenny Elwood]

Our kids don't. They range between the ages of 7 and 16. Going through puberty is hard enough without knowing your dad likes to run around in dresses... It also doesn't sit quite well with our religion. Once they've grown, we will reassess and probably tell. That is if my wife's biggest nightmare (having a crossdressing husband) hasn't come to an end by then.

[char GG]

Both of our kids are in their 30's and both know. Our daughter doesn't care at all. Our son is handicapped and it is confusing for him. He doesn't like it.

EDIT:

After reading more of the responses, I wish to add that it is a personal choice between you and your husband whether or not you tell them. If you choose not to, he shouldn't leave tell tale items laying around. If you choose to tell, don't expect them to keep a secret.

The choice is between the two of you.

[Jillian Faith]

Two married daughters 32 and 29 neither know and it will probably stay that way.

[Shely]

I too have to married daughters and five grandchildren and one great grandson, none know and I also hope to keep it that way.

[Elizabeth G]

My kids (all adults) know.

[alwayshave]

I am estranged from my adult children due to a nasty ex-wife. They don't know. My wife's children live with us and don't know either.

[Cassiek]

I am on the same page as Jenny. I have two boys 12 and 14. I am divorced which is not going well she is a royal pain in my ass. I do think that to continue her spiteful behavior she told my 14-year-old. He has recently begun discussions with me regarding Gay and transgender issues. If he straight up asked me I will be honest with him I feel that no matter what he loves me all the same

[Fran Moore]

Hi River, and thanks for your question. Our children (adults) do not know, but in a perfect world (without predjudice, discrimination, fear, and social shaming directed at LGBT people) I would see no reason not to tell them, unless mutually agreed that we should not. Since this is not the case, and due to my S.O.'s wishes, they may never know. For me, there is not much of an "upside" to giving them that information as it won't improve their individual lives and certainly could strain the relationship we have with at least one of them who has made it clear that he is anti-trans anything, and that in turn would possibly affect the time we spend with our grandkids, which we cherish.
I believe that as parents, we have to pick and choose what we share with our children, and there are other things that they do not know about us and our relationship. I also believe that there is much that we do not know about our childrens lives as well. Neither did my parents divulge everything to my siblings and I when we were kids, or later as grown adults for that matter. That's not to say that every family has it's secrets, but I would bet that the majority of couples have information that isn't known or shared. Sometimes things are better left unsaid, and each of us has to decide what, if anything that should be.

Fran

[Stephanie47]

Our kids are 45 and 40 years old. They do not know. My wife and I are in a deep DADT marriage of almost fifty years. Therefore, the subject has never arisen since we do not talk at all about my cross dressing. I do not think they figured anything out on their own. Once my daughter did ask if I shave my legs. No, I explained that I do not have any hair follicles on my calves and thighs. I sort of kidded her that it took her for that length of time to notice. Anyway, my wife opined once that she did not have anyone she could talk to about my cross dressing. My opinion is nobody needs to know as I do not flaunt my cross dressing in any manner. As an aging husband and wife there is always the possibility I will be revealed after my death, if my wife were to die before me. Who would be around to clean out all the women's clothing? That issue does bother me as I would not be around to explain myself.

The questions always arises as to how any reveal would affect the kids' viewpoint of dad and mom. Just in these last few weeks my son figured out one of the deep dark secrets of the family involving his grandmother. The secret was known to only three; mother-in-law, wife and me. My wife explained what happened over sixty years ago. Our kids said it did not matter at all and it did not change their love for their grandmother at all. Additionally, both kids are supportive of gay/lesbian and transgender rights.

I see no value in telling young children and expect them to keep quiet. It is not fair to draw them into a web of secrecy. Society is not as open as you think when it comes to deviations from the norm. Young kids can be brutal with bullying others. My wife is a retired teacher. She has seen the taunting that can be heaped on kids as early as kindergarten.

[Asew]

My kids in elementary school through middle school have all known for about 2 years now. I am pretty much out now (to friends and family, social media, etc) and my wife was the first to know and a few close friends then we told the kids. My wife's biggest concern is the kids being bullied so anything in our town where their schoolmates might see us I dress as a man. Otherwise I dress as non-binary most of the time and even go out with the kids and wife dressed (usually in a more muted manner like a t-shirt and skirt).

I think it is important to let them know if you plan on being out in the long term. Exposing your kids to diversity is never a bad thing. It should make them more tolerating and accepting of both you and a diverse world.

[Visitor]

I don't have children but read this thread nonetheless to get a sense of what life is like for those of us drawn to this world. I respect the wide range of opinions and how one's relationship with your children's mother is such an important part of this calculation. And that is all over the map from what I read. That touches on the other significant element of this life... the reaction of our loved ones.

With regard to children I find myself wondering about the world they are entering. It seems a much different world that the one I've known. There seems to be much greater acceptance of gender fluidity. I don't know whether that extends to fathers crossdressing, but it seems a healthy thing. Yes, it is very disturbing to some people, so there will be no smooth sailing for folks on this path.

I so appreciate that this place exists so conversations like this can happen. Deep respect to all of you who spend time here and share your thoughts and opinions.

[Genni]

I recently told my two grown daughters (20-something and 30-something years old) and they were fully supportive. The younger one was very surprised. I don't think that the older daughter was much surprised.

[kayegirl]

Both of my kids, if you can call a 41 and 39 year old kids, know. But I promised their Mother that I would not dress in front of them, a promise that I have kept. Likewise my step daughter, 37 year old, also knows but hasn't seen me dressed.

[Rhonda in dallas]

All 3 of our grown kids know. We do not let our grandkids know as they are still ver young. One of my daughter in laws family has a trans female and the other is a lesbian. So they are all ok

[Krisi]

My kids do not know. Only my wife knows. My kids are grown and live far away.

[Giselle(Oshawa)]

two adult son's 34 and 31 that don't know and i pray they never do, told my wife 10 yrs ago(after 27 yrs of marriage) while we are still married it is in name only

[Lana Mae]

Didn't really get into all of this until after my wife passed away! At that time my daughter lived with us! Once I realized this was who I am, I told my daughter since she lives with me! I later came out to my son! He told me he and his wife suspected! Both of my children said that they just want Dad to be happy! They were both in their thirties at the time! My son said we will deal with it when the time comes as far as the grandchildren! Of course, you and your wife must make this decision! Best wishes Hugs Lana Mae

[Giselle(Oshawa)]

my wife has recently told me our youngest son(still living at home) has figured out i am a crossdresser when he fixed my computer, this disturbs me but if he confronts me i will tell him the truth

[Laura912]

River, the variable responses here will not provide direction for your own personal situation. If you and DH do not want anyone else to know about your secrete, do not tell anybody else including your children till they are much older and only then with some risk of exposure. Teens need teens with whom they can talk and share private thoughts. If knowing the secrete you share with your SO becomes too much for them, they will talk with other teens/friends/confidants about the issue. For now, strongly consider not telling any one else if you wish to retain your privacy.

[bridget thronton]

My adult kids and their partners know and do not care - better from me than a stranger

[Paulie Birmingham]

My kids are young teenagers. They don't know and shouldn't have to concern themselves with it. They have enough other things to worry about.

They also don't know a bunch of other things we do behind closed doors.

[Bobbi46]

My kids are both 46 and 42 respectively and they did not know but as Bobbi evovlved it became a burden to me and first i came out to all of my friends here first and thought that that would suffice, but after finding my current girlfriend things changed a lot and it soon became a great need to tell. I told my son first and then my daughter, she was over the moon and is very happy for me, however my son was initially very hostile towards me but has settled down a bit. But he has not told his wife or his young kids yet and seeing as I am hoping to vist my extended family next year (by the way they all know too) I have asked my son what the situation will be with me visiting dressed, he has not replied to this! but there is a lot of time till I go and so the interim period may be the healing time needed.
I am a lot happier than I was now knowing I have nothing to hide from my family.

[DTelia]

To each their own, but I wouldn’t share w/my children. They already have plenty on their plate. Why add the stress.

I would potentially consider it, if I saw signs that they were dealing w/similar issues, but I would be very careful and cautious about it.

I do not agree w/CDers who just wish to share for their own selfish purposes.

[JaymeCD]

It has been a long time battle with my wife, she "tolerated" me dressing moderately at home as our daughter was approaching 4 and half to 5. Around that time without being able to say a word she totally cut me off saying I had to stop. Our daughter is almost 6 now and she has prying eyes when it comes to my phone (I have a fem Instagram account I post to). Plus there is one time we went to the mall and I tried on a dress with her and word got out to my wife. How it got out was by her telling her babysitter that my dad likes to wear dresses and another time her babysitter was folding thong panties and she said my daddy wears those.
Back to my point, I wanted her to grow up seeing me dressed so that she would think it was nothing out of the ordinary. At this age point and time, she thinks it's funny. I had a talk with her to let's keep this secret between us. I wanted her to grow up opened minded and I wanted to be the example. Lately she hasn't said anything, but when she is a little older I hope she questions me about it. Outside of all this, my wife does not say a word about me dressing. I'm just the same old "masculine" person I've always been. We'll see what happens in the future.