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Thread: Told my wife...

  1. #26
    Member Brandi Christine's Avatar
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    I think I made a mistake in telling her.

    Had a bad night last night, we were up much too late and I am getting from her that while she isn't telling me to stop right now she is telling me I need to stop? She is asking specifically for me to stop seeing my therapist and find another, one who will help me stop.

    From her point she is afraid I will continue to "push the boundaries" as stated above in this forum, I in no way want or expect her participation, only her acceptance that this is a part of me, and it is something I can't stop, and in all honestly, and I told he this, something I do not want to stop, at least by a part of me? My plan before telling her was to take this to my grave as a secret that no one in the world knew about, I feel I can continue in that way, sort of a don?t ask don't tell thing, now I don't know.

    I also don?t know why I do this, it makes me feel good? It is something I just do? But as to the whys I don?t know, I wasn't abused, I wasn't dressed up as a little girl, I wasn't traumatized, and when the therapist said it could very well be biological, at least in part, it made me feel better, less of a freak, accepting that it was ok. In all truth does it matter why? It is a part of me.

    She doesn't buy the biological argument in any way, in her world there is no "just born that way," and is pressing me in ways I don?t want to be pressed. I feel smothered right now, I have always been a person who needs a lot of alone time, something I feel she has never really liked. Now I am afraid I am losing one of those things I enjoy in my life, she wants to fill that void with her, and I feel I am losing my identity, who I am, and I don?t want to have to choose between her and it?

    I love this woman, I adore her, and I understand that she wants to fight for me, needs to fight for me, but she is fighting a part of me, that hurts and I don?t know what to do. I have told her I'm not going anywhere, not moving forward, that I am happy to dip my toes into femininity, not jump into that ocean and drown myself. I don?t think she will accept that.
    ...Damsel in distress.
    Not exactly natural, Stunning none the less...

    (As Girls Go by Suzanne Vega)

  2. #27
    Little Mrs. Snarky! Nadine Spirit's Avatar
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    I know it is hard and I know it seems like a mistake to have revealed your secret, but personally I think you still made the right choice. Living a truth is better than trying to live a lie and hoping you don't get caught.

    She is fighting a part of you that can't be fought. The fact that she wants you to go to a different therapist that will help you to stop, and that you referenced current therapeutic practice as a "trend," to me says that there is some misunderstanding going on.

    Personally my wife said she would leave me if I ever transitioned. I transitioned about 2 years ago and we are still together. Why? We have been in therapy for about 3 years now, separate therapists, and we also did marriage therapy for a little while. This helped to educate us on what it means to be transgender. Which is what you are missing. Your wife is not educated and the education she is getting off of Google right now is a jaded viewpoint. In order to salvage things she needs to be willing to become more educated and less reactionary to what she thinks it means to be transgender. She is afraid right now and it is that fear that is driving her and making things very difficult. Fear is a tough thing to combat and the only thing I have found that works is education.

    So, good luck!

  3. #28
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    Tough choices to make. Most women are ok with CD in general but not with their husband. It would be interesting if someone started a poll, but even here the percentage is low.

  4. #29
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    I'm very sorry that you are going through this. It's hard to comment on other people's lives because we don't know you or your wife. However, just remember that this is very new to your wife and she is going through an emotional turmoil. Please try to be patient and help her learn all that she can about you. For her, it may take a lot time to digest something that you have know most of your life.

  5. #30
    Member JennyMay's Avatar
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    Hi Brandiaztv, I don’t really know what to say but I wanted to send some love your way. I think that what you have done in telling you wife is both very brave and very respectful of her. All I can say is to tell her you love her, but I’m sure you're doing that already. I just wanted to join my voice to those expressing care.

  6. #31
    Member Dannigirl's Avatar
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    Hi, I agree with Char. This is some big news that you have sprung on her, once again, you've known for a long time and like most of us at first you were confused and wondering about your own actions. It is only natural that she will need some time to digest and mull things over. Work over all the different scenarios in her head and figure things out for herself (most of us haven't figured ourselves out). Give it time and hopefully she will come around, it might be a long time.

  7. #32
    GG Dutchess's Avatar
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    I agree with Char and Dannigirl also .
    I know that some of you wont see it this way but to find something like that out really does feel like you have died . You hear about crying , acting out , all kinds of things here because it feels like you are dead when you just suddenly find this out after alot of years .

    I understand she wants you to see therapist that will make you stop because right now thats all she can think of but I think it will eventually come down to her wanting you to see a therapist that doesn't tell you only what you want to hear . Too many "gender" counselor people do that ( My SO was the victim of one ) and I have seen more than one person here really get burned by that .
    This is really a huge thing . She may take years to finally get where she is comfortable with all this .
    IG : Knightress Oxide

  8. #33
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dutchess View Post

    I understand she wants you to see therapist that will make you stop because right now thats all she can think of but I think it will eventually come down to her wanting you to see a therapist that doesn't tell you only what you want to hear . Too many "gender" counselor people do that ( My SO was the victim of one ) and I have seen more than one person here really get burned by that .
    This is really a huge thing . .
    After reading over 100 people's experiences with gender counselors on this site and others, I completely agree. Never once have I read that " I went to a counselor specializing in gender and decided to dress less, etc. "

    I suppose part of reason is apa no longer considers it something that needs to be changed or whatever. Not sure how it would go with someone who doesn't specialize in gender issues. Maybe same. Maybe different

  9. #34
    Senior Member DianeT's Avatar
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    Your wife is in shock and her reaction seems normal. She lost her husband and is grieving (really). Asking you to find a therapist that will make you quit is the bargaining stage in the Kubler-Ross model. She will probably go through different phases, that his her way to deal with the blow. Do not despair. If she gets angry do not respond with anger (easier said than done, been there). Be there for her and don't give up. You did the right thing, but the road ahead may not be easy (11 months in for my wife and I in that same situation and there's still a lot to work on). Be patient and be loving.

  10. #35
    GG Dutchess's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Paulie Birmingham View Post
    After reading over 100 people's experiences with gender counselors on this site and others, I completely agree. Never once have I read that " I went to a counselor specializing in gender and decided to dress less, etc.
    We have a member here now whos gone away on yet another sabbatical to think about things after a gender counselor told him everything he wanted to hear instead of what he NEEDED To hear . Now he is upset , marriage ruined and he said ,"I was one who needed to hear the brutal honest truth ". Th medical community needs to learn more about Pink Fog before they just nod yes to everything a person says .

    Nothing at all wrong with dressing but some people just go to such dramatic extremes . My SO would just leave feeling so triumphant after he would tell her only want he wanted her to hear ..... not the whole thing and it just really alienated me . I knew everything - not just what he wanted me to hear . Some of it was wildly inaccurate - like claiming to have missing/misshapen body parts etc - which she totally believed .. so yeah , I wanted him to see a different counselor also !!

    We never know because we aren't there but I can see how she might want him to see someone else , if even for a second opinion on what they think . Not for stopping it but to be able to manage together and not apart .
    Last edited by Dutchess; 09-10-2020 at 02:28 PM.
    IG : Knightress Oxide

  11. #36
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    Paulie,
    It only needs changing if it's wrong and who makes that final decision ?

    No you won't see evidence of counsellors suggesting their client should dress less , people usually seek help to deal with it so most will continue and possibly dress more . I have no regrets in seeking counselling help , I'm in a much better place now , that is the bottom line , I discovered how to comfortably live with being TG .

  12. #37
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    Before putting my two cents in I went to some of your old posts. I particularly surprised by your post of February 2019. In that post you gave an outline of the near relatives around you. I cannot understand how you are able to put up with such anti everyone who is not like me people....including offspring. I don't see a chance in hell your wife is going to ever understand you, because she does not want to understand. You live in a toxic environment. Your wife is surrounded by her support group. Given your age and headed off to retirement in the next decade, please be aware your life is going to be a living hell. You may want to explore this toxic environment with your counselor.

  13. #38
    Member Brandi Christine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stephanie47 View Post
    Before putting my two cents in I went to some of your old posts. I particularly surprised by your post of February 2019. In that post you gave an outline of the near relatives around you. I cannot understand how you are able to put up with such anti everyone who is not like me people....including offspring. I don't see a chance in hell your wife is going to ever understand you, because she does not want to understand. You live in a toxic environment. Your wife is surrounded by her support group. Given your age and headed off to retirement in the next decade, please be aware your life is going to be a living hell. You may want to explore this toxic environment with your counselor.
    One of the things that truly frightened me is her reaction, she is very anti-trans, but I was surprised, she may never fully come around but right now we are talking, and yes I think it will be a long journey. We have both agreed to keep it between ourselves for now, if we did tell them, I think my step-daughter would accept me, my step son would not... I think not knowing anyone like us, and hearing what I have gone through has softened her stance. Too much of our exposure in the media is salacious, demeaning or just hurtful, and we are seen as a caricature, she knows now that we are people, most of us are not voluntarily what we are, we didn't ask to be what we are. But we are who we are...

    I am afraid of what my future holds, but for all it's worth I want her in it.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Teresa View Post
    Paulie,
    It only needs changing if it's wrong and who makes that final decision ?

    No you won't see evidence of counsellors suggesting their client should dress less , people usually seek help to deal with it so most will continue and possibly dress more . I have no regrets in seeking counselling help , I'm in a much better place now , that is the bottom line , I discovered how to comfortably live with being TG .
    Teresa,

    You are one of many who I look up to in this forum, and your statement scares me, there are times I feel so much the pull, I feel so happy when en-femme, my therapist allowed me to accept myself, not have my self or think of myself as a deviant.

    I have to ask myself, am I making a mistake? Would I be happier in the long run knowing it would cost me my family? Even dressing will be a problem, at least in the near term. How will I handle it???
    ...Damsel in distress.
    Not exactly natural, Stunning none the less...

    (As Girls Go by Suzanne Vega)

  14. #39
    New Member JIJI Xx's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Joyce Swindell View Post
    WOW! . My first marriage Joyce was not know of for many years into the marriage until I was caught.
    I have no similar experience to Brandi's (and, it seems, many others) but..... your point, Joyce, touches on what I have often thought is the crux.

    it's not necessarily even about the crossdressing.... but if a husband suddenly reveals some hidden life, that may have been going on for years and years, the main shock may well be that the person the wife thought she knew, is not that person at all, has been living a lie, doesn't exist..... whether it's crossdressing, or cottaging, or S & M, or secret gambling, affairs, whatever, discovering that your SO has been hiding themself from you, is a hell of a thing to deal with.....

    just by way of context with regard to my opener above about my 'experience'.... I was in a serious, longterm relationship, though we weren't married. when I first started finding myself 'interested', bought my first garter-belt, then stockings, shoes, and so on and so forth, it never occurred to me to try to hide it, because it felt so natural, and anyway I'm not into hiding, having spent 60-odd years just trying to be me. Miwako never said anything negative, seemed to just accept me as me, but.... a couple of years later, and without preamble, she left, no reason given, other than "you've got your new life now". it took a long time to get over that (more or less), but in any case I can't not be me.....

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    Quote Originally Posted by Nadine Spirit View Post
    Living a truth is better than trying to live a lie and hoping you don't get caught.
    absolutely!!!! living a lie is being unfair to two people.....
    JIJI Xx

  15. #40
    Senior Member TheHiddenMe's Avatar
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    I'm going to read between the lines.

    It's not about dressing, it's about gender dysphoria.


    Given these circumstances, there is no middle ground, no compromise.

    I strongly suggest that you continue seeing your therapist, as it appears, based on your comments, is helping you deal with your gender dysphoria.

    Unfortunately, none of us can give to advice as what the right decision for YOU is. Only YOU--working with a therapist--can decide whether your self-identify as a woman or your relationship with your wife and family is more important to your long-term mental wellbeing. Based on the facts you have described, it's either going to be one or the other.
    Last edited by char GG; 09-12-2020 at 05:27 AM. Reason: No religion / see the rules

  16. #41
    Platinum Member alwayshave's Avatar
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    Brandi, I hope that your wife comes around. I told my wife before we moved in together so it has worked out OK for me. She was able to read some positive information on crossdressing, so was OK with it.
    Please call me Jamie, I always_have crossdressed, I always will, "alwayshave".

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