Does the though consume your life? Anyone have online counseling resources?

[Lisa LIckorice]

Hi everyone. I haven?t been on here in quite a while. I?ve been struggling a lot lately. Not a minute goes by that I?m not thinking about dressing, painting my toe nails, the clothing I?m wearing underneath my male clothing, etc. The feeling that I just want to be a woman, but knowing that I can?t because I have a family. I often beat myself up because I should have realized this before I became involved with my wife. I love her, but don?t want to hurt her or my kids. Another thing, I wear female under clothes everyday, but when I?m alone I do sexual things. I?m confused as to whether this whole thing is sexual, or is it that I need and want to be a woman. This whole thing is so confusing. I guess I just needed to vent, hoping someone sees this.

I know that I should go back into therapy, I?m a therapist, so I need to watch who I talk to because I know most therapists in the area. I guess I could try online therapy, so another question, does anyone know of any good online gender therapists? Thanks. Love and peace.

Lisa

[AmandaM]

Hi, I'm like you too. I hover from crossdresser/transvestite to transsexual. My first therapist pegged me as TS. My second as not TS. I believe the second one was wrong. I knew a TS who used to get off on clothing magazines, etc. She said that after her surgery she just looks at the clothes. The hardest thing for those like us, those who it isn't well-defined, is how do we untwist our sexuality from the transgender to find out the truth. Though having a strong sex drive, I believe I can live with a female body. Not sure I'll ever make that happen.

Dara Hoffman-Fox has a new book out. She also does online therapy. One thing from her book I like, she talks about three areas where we have GD - physical, mental, and social. Most of my dysphoria is about my physical body. The least of my dysphoria is social. It doesn't bother me much that I don't socialize as a woman. But, not looking like one kills me. I hate mirrors.

[Lisa LIckorice]

Amanda,
Thank you very much for the response. Your last two sentences hit home and brought tears to my eyes. I will check out that book. Thanks for the help because I feel lost, helpless and depressed by the fact that I know I will never be who I am.

[Brandi Christine]

I can absolutely sympathize, the thoughts and desires consume me at times, it is all I can think about... I have read several books and they are all about affirmation, which is good, I accept myself, but when I told my wife, well, she understandably doesn't agree. I can tell you as I get older it is less and less sexual and more and more about just wanting to be a woman (Or at least appear to be). It is not an easy road. As for a therapist, mine is doing tele-health due to covid so that may be an option for finding a non-local therapist.

[NancySue]

Yes, dressing does consume my thoughts, actions and decisions, too. With COVID sequestering, I dress every day to the point it now seems to be the natural thing to do. I?ve thought about therapy and have spent hours of reading. However, I?m not too sure how a therapist who hasn?t experienced the pink fog can understand this compulsive behavior. I just accept it...don?t understand ?why?, but life must go on. I?m blessed with a supportive wife who neither understands why I I love to wear things she deems uncomfortable..underwire bras, hose, etc. Like many, I?ve tried to quit. It never works. Venting is good.

[Cheryl T]

It's a thought that's always in my mind, but I can't say I'm consumed by it.
I don't see a woman without analyzing her outfit and appearance. Could I wear that, does it suit and flatter her, would it flatter me, is the color right for me, do I like her shoes? All this is going on while other things consume my time...LOL. Every night I wait to see what Vanna is wearing and wonder if I could wear that as well.
Right now it's getting cooler and I'm thinking ... do I have enough hosiery for the season, should I get some new tights and leggings, what about a new pair of boots.
But no, I'm not consumed by it...it's just me living day to day.

[AmandaM]

Lisa, the book is You and Your Gender Identity. Please don't be sad, there are always positive steps you can take.

I too suffer from anxiety and depression. I was on finasteride for my prostate and it had some welcome feminizing effects. I had some breast growth and more fat on my bottom and hips (pants got tighter but no weight gain). I had to stop as I work in IT and it was causing some mental slowness. I want low-dose estrogen but haven't pushed it with my doctor. I know that because I liked the body changes. For me, if my body became a woman's body, and I had to be one in society, well, that would be fine. Kind of like something I fell into. Like I woke up one day, looked in the mirror, and said, "Oh, looks like I changed".

The biggest thing for me is handling the negative emotions, that is the real enemy. It's hard to make sound decisions when you are struggling emotionally. My suggestion is to work on that so that you can learn to relax, let out a breathe, and try to be as objective as possible while going through this. And always remember, your family loves you, and wouldn't want you to be a shell of a human-being. Try to give them a little credit.

[LilSissyStevie]

One thing that isn't talked about very much here is Transgender Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (TOCD.) TOCD is driven by anxiety over whether one is trans or not. Many people mistake their TOCD for Gender Disphoria (GD). That's understandable because, superficially, there isn't much difference. Personally, I would be leery of seeking advise from a "gender therapist" in today's political environment because the answer to the question "Am I trans?" is always "Yes!" if you want it to be. They don't want to be accused of transphobia so that's the safe answer. A good therapist isn't someone who will give you the right answers, but someone who will ask you the right questions.

Especially when I was younger, I suffered from TOCD as well as the closely related (for me anyway) Homosexual OCD. My OCD grew out of my autogynephilia (AGP) which is a sexual orientation that is poorly understood. The first thing an AGPhile usually asks themselves is "Am I gay?" and/or "Am I trans?" For someone like me that has OCD tendencies, not being able answer the question satisfactorily is maddening. OK, it's maddening anyway because there is always doubts that can fuel the obsession. Then one can start obsessing over the question of "Am I trans or is it a fetish." That's a false dichotomy since one can be trans (or not) and have any number or type of fetishes (or not). Once I learned about AGP and how it applied to me, I could learn to enjoy it and move on to being OCD about something else (LOL!) Of course, YMMV. I'm not suggesting anything. Just putting it out there for your consideration.

More info about TOCD.

https://medium.com/@jemima.s/tocd-wh...r-bf4b869a3817

[Visitor]

I appreciate a conversation like this because it makes clear the variety of experiences one has in this world that includes crossdressing in many guises as well as thoughts of transitioning in one form or another. I'm new to the forum though I've intermittently crossdressed since I was 12 years old. I've attempted to understand what it is all about my whole life but it is only at this moment that I'm less interested in understanding why as giving myself permission simply to be in relationship with the desires that arise. I appreciate how complicated this can all be for each of us given both our personal desires and the family/community in which we live. Every decision to step away from a traditional male role has consequences. The farther we go, the greater the consequences. Clearly, it is a rare person who engages in these behaviors and indulges these dreams simply to piss off people in our lives. We do it out of our need for what comes to us through indulging these dreams and behaviors. I appreciate Lisa how complex this process is for you. Finding your truth is paramount. Bringing the concerns here is sensible because as a group we understand the desires and the fears related to the desires. I think finding an online therapist and unpacking this material is sensible. There is no one size fits all here... we each must chart our own path and then put one foot in front of the other... whether that foot has high heels on it or not.

[Aunt Kelly]

Lisa,
Online has become the standard delivery method for all types of care. As a therapist yourself, I'm certain that you appreciate the limitations of that medium, but it is what we have, for now.
I am a bit surprised to hear your reluctance to trust your professional colleagues. Would you not offer the same confidentiality you'd expect from them.
Pro forma stuff out of the way... Yes. You seem to be at a point where the assistance of someone qualified to deal with gender identity issues is in order. Many, if not most, of us need that in order to truly sort it out.
I would not pretend to predict what you will find, but can honestly say that the sooner you do, the happier you will be.

[docrobbysherry]

Lisa, I'm tempted to say I was where u r many years ago. But, that would be naive and arrogant. No two people follow the same path!

However, I can tell u not to worry about the sexual side effects of your dressing. It's quite common for dressers to be aroused by some aspect of their dressing. That dims with some over time. However, in my case, that woman in the mirror still turns me on after 22 years of dressing at age 77!

As far as that "seeing a woman in your mirror" goes? The first time I wore a female suit and saw a naked female in my mirror?
It change my dressing direction and my life! They now sell complete silicone body suits for $600! I strongly recommend them!

[Kimberly A.]

I feel ya, Lisa. LOL I'm constantly thinking about dressing too and now that I'm home more and not on the road, (I was a truck driver), I can dress a lot more. WOO HOO!!! LOL But, I didn't quit trucking just to be able to be en femme more, that would be really dumb..... I literally hated my job and with the way people are on the road nowadays, even a lot of truckers drive really dangerously, I got to the point where I didn't feel safe anymore.

Sorry I rambled a little there and got off-topic. LOL..... Anyway, I guess dressing does kind of consume my life because I'm much happier en femme than I am in drab. But no, I haven't sought therapy of any kind, I don't see a reason to. I am who I am and there's no changing that.

[Star01]

Thank you Lisa LIckorice for this post. I have my own unique circumstances but a lot of what you and other participants are saying resonates with me. I had a very difficult time the last six months of 2019 resulting in the decision to start therapy. The lockdown has had the opposite effect on my dressing due to my DADT and my wife not going overnight as often as she normally would. She doesn't want to see me dressed or know when and where I dress so that I'm hardly getting any chances to dress fully at all when many have been able to dress full time.

I struggle with the same kinds of questions, am I transgender or is my dressing a sexual fetish as there is an obvious connection. Does being a crossdresser mean I am bi or gay (I found out here that many are not). How do I find out where I fall in the spectrum of all this and where will it lead. After doing a bunch of research on what my insurance covers I found two possibilities fifteen miles from home and two had experience in gender counseling. I settled on one that I liked and had a couple preliminary "get to know each other" visits then the lockdowns hit. My late mother-in-law was terminally Ill and passed around that time so that hampered me researching whether my insurance would cover teleconference visits and getting a webcam setup properly in my Linux based system. All that was resolved and we resumed the appointments.

A combination of not being able to dress along with not being able to shop online and not feeling comfortable in stores yet has resulted in an easing of the pink fog or dysphoria or whatever it is but I'm still underdressing and keeping myself smooth as those things have become a necessity. It will come back and I'm starting to feel more anxious and each time it returns it's stronger than the time before. The interesting thing about your comments is that you say that you are a therapist and you're posting about the same questions I am trying to answer through therapy. I'm not sure if that makes me more confident in my own therapy when the therapist is having the same struggles as I am trying to understand myself. On the other hand your desire for the same answers tells me how powerful these feelings can be and how difficult they can be to cope with when even professionals struggle with the same questions.

While I understand that every post on the forum can be of value this kind of discussion that deals with the hopes, fears, questions and concerns I am facing is the reason I joined the forum and keep coming back and checking posts. I'm getting much more out of this than I would from a thread that deals with something like wearing forms to bed or what to cull out a closet full of dresses. All of those subjects are valid of course but this is the type of serious post that I signed up for and want to see more of.

Thank you and I hope that we all find the answers we are looking for.

[Stephanie47]

My daughter is a licensed/educated therapist. She is covered by various insurance plans. With COVID all her appointments are now on some sort of internet visual meetings. That means potentially she may have clients anywhere in the country. Even in the physical medical field MIRs, X-rays CT scans, blood and urine test results are all on line.

As to cross dressing consuming my life that was decades ago. There was a period of time that I waited to grab some "crumbs of time" so I could slip into something feminine. When my wife and I were having "The Talk" I did talk to a female therapist on the telephone. I looked in the telephone book (pre-computer/internet) and just grabbed her name as she was a woman. I never followed through with any appointments because the very thought of talking to someone was just too much to contemplate. Why wanting to dress was so consuming I could not figure it out. The only thing I could think of was the need for stress relief; job, family and war related PTSD, all wrapped up with a nice bow.

Now? I am fully retired. My wife is fully retired. We are totally DADT in a retiree-COVID-19 situation. No opportunity to dress. No alone time. My wife and I are together 24/7 with brief forays to get groceries. Brief day trips for us. There is no work stress. PTSD has been under counseling for over a decade. I no longer have a compulsion to be attired. I do get the opportunity to do sleep in a negligee and panty. I relate all this because there may be something in your day to day life which is driving you to some form of escaping stress.

[Lisa LIckorice]

When you mention stress, that is a big thing in my life. Finances, juggling job and a side business, family and everything else. When I?m dressed and take a little THC gummy, I like to sexually play with myself, I forget the world for an hour. If I didn?t have that I?d be way more stressed out.

[MonicaPVD]

You are a therapist and you have surrendered to your impulses. That's rich. I had a friend who was a nutritionist and ate at McDonald's three times a week. Good luck to you.