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Thread: Are you at peace?

  1. #1
    Administrator Di's Avatar
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    Are you at peace?

    I had a cder tell me after health issues they decided they had to for their own sanity and health accept themselves and find peace within themselves.
    We read a lot of angst here and thank goodness some uplifting stories. We are sad and happy for each other....it is a wonderful thing.
    So talk to me
    Are you at peace with your crossdressing?
    What ways can you work on that?
    If you are at peace tell us about how you got there.
    If you are a Genetic Female (Female at Birth) and would like to join us in the F.A.B. Forum, please follow the link.

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    Sherlyn,My beautiful sweet girl
    You forever and always will be my one and only true love . ❤️

  2. #2
    Member Liz Jones's Avatar
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    Think i can sum up things in two words --I wish......

  3. #3
    Member SaraLin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Di View Post
    So talk to me
    Are you at peace with your crossdressing?
    What ways can you work on that?
    If you are at peace tell us about how you got there.
    VERY interesting question. Here's my immediate (and therefore probably the most honest) response...

    I guess I'd have to say that yes, I am at peace with it.
    BUT - that isn't the same as saying I'm content with it.

    I tend to use analogies to explain things, so here goes:
    A while back I was chatting with a friend who has some major physical disabilities and I commented that it must be tough going through life with those challenges. He just chuckled and said that it's all he's ever known, so he doesn't miss "normal".

    Wow!
    I know he'd love to be cured, but he's completely OK (at peace) with where he is.

    After years of struggling, I've finally accepted the reality of my existence. I have merged the warring parts of my psyche into a rather "curious" blend of masculine and feminine traits. I dress in the clothing of both genders - feminine (within 'da rulez) in the privacy of my home, and outwardly masculine to the rest of the world.
    It's not ideal. It's not what my first pick would be. But since the universe isn't going to rearrange itself so that I can wake up as a GG, it'll have to do.
    I'll never be "pretty in pink", but I have a loving wife, a good home, good health, and financial stability.

    I can live with that.

  4. #4
    Senior Member Princess29's Avatar
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    nope, still not at peace with it. I enjoy it when I do it but all the stuff associated with getting to do it usually puts me off. Stood down from work since April with no end in sight and have basically almost not dressed up at all in that time

  5. #5
    Gold Member Crissy 107's Avatar
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    SaraLin, Really Good post!
    Yes I am at peace with my CD’ing, it took a long time and much angst, denial and feeling ashamed. These are things that are negatives and we need positives in our lives so about 7 years ago I decided I had to accept it and let my wife know. Years of trying to suppress it did not work. Once I let my wife in on it I felt a big relief and absolutely much more happier. I think happiness can be such an elusive goal for me and others.
    Crissy

  6. #6
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    I am perfectly ok with who I am and my crossdressing. I'm not ashamed of it, I enjoy it. It's a fundamental part of who I am, the same as my height or my hair color. I'm comfortable in my own skin.

  7. #7
    Gold Member alwayshave's Avatar
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    I have been at peace with my crossdressing for a while as that is who I am. I do wish I had more chances to dress. But, with adult children in my home 24/7 it is difficult.
    Please call me Jamie, I always_have crossdressed, I always will, "alwayshave".

  8. #8
    Senior Member phili's Avatar
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    I am at peace - fully now. I went from feeling hollow and having a terrible secret- yet feeling it was ok and trying to find someone, anyone, who would accept and understand, to building an ever more complex life that didn't include it outside my secret sessions, to retiring and seeing the end of life coming, and thinking, it is now or never, and telling my wife, expecting acceptance. I didn't get acceptance, so then a new and heightened struggle to understand whether my feelings were legitimate, and how to integrate as a person so I wasn't hollow.

    Took 5 years to find peace, and the most helpful things have been:
    1. A lot of writing to work out that gender is an arbitrary, but useful construct with way too much strict enforcement.
    2. Realizing I had 5 separate sound reasons to like crossdressing, which disentangled sexuality and cleared my head
    3. Going out and finding acceptance from others validated my basic position.
    4. Feeling very subtle body feelings that underlie my emotional and psychological gender, and which I ascribe to a particular mix of biology that just is what it is.
    5. Realizing that since I love my wife I am going to make some compromises, but I can do that so it is manageable and constructive.
    6. As each confusion or strain disappeared, I became more and more peaceful. I now know exactly who I am, roughly why, and what I am going to do from here on out, and not regret it on my deathbed!
    We are all beautiful...!

  9. #9
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    I am at peace. There are no issues with wife and all is well

  10. #10
    Aspiring Member GretchenM's Avatar
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    Another great question, Di. You are on a roll. And wonderful responses SaraLin and Crissy.

    As for the crossdressing, for me it is just something that goes with the territory of my identity. My identity is roughly an equal dose of male-like and female-like gender traits and characteristics. I am a gender blender for the most part and only rarely express as female and then for only a few hours. But my identity is there all the time.

    Until 2012 when I realized I had to reconcile things or something very bad and permanent was going to happen, I hated the strong female-like aspects to my identity. That resulted from having that identity denied when I was about 8 years old when I told my parents I wanted to be a girl (that was about 1953 - the term "transgender" wasn't even invented until 1969). So, on one side I became the boy I was expected to be even though that was not really my nature. I fought the girl in me for the next 60 years until that fight nearly killed me. In retrospect she kept me half way sane and tolerable as she provided a kinder, gentler aspect to me than the masculinity I experienced in men in my formative years. What was that? Mean and dictatorial. That still shined through often and I hated that as much as I hated the girl that made me do unacceptable things. In a word, I hated who I was.

    In 2012 I went to therapy and to group and became acquainted with the transgender world and its vast diversity. I considered transitioning but realized that was not who I was in terms of my gender. So now I associate with a non-binary identity that spans much of the entire gender spectrum - jack of all trades, master of none.

    Is it ideal? Is anything ideal? No it is not, but the female-like aspects and male-like aspects form a coalition or collaboration to face the world and deal with the vast world of social interaction we humans have created. There are still difficulties such as a wife who is not really on board and living in a society that likes to think it is accepting when it is, in general, only tolerant. But if tolerance is all that is given, that is fine. The alternative (intolerance) was the nature of the world I spent most of my 75 years living with - not fun. Am I at Peace? Yes. Am I living the life that I always dreamed of? Not even close; but that is biology. It is good.

    In conclusion, it is not about crossdressing. It is about IDENTITY. Crossdressing, for me, is just an aspect of the identity. Do I need it? More or less sometimes, but my identity is 24/7. If I didn't have the identity I have I can see no compelling reason why I would engage in crossdressing. I understand my identity, a great deal about where it came from, and, now, how to live with it.
    Last edited by GretchenM; 09-13-2020 at 08:23 AM.

  11. #11
    Rural T Girl Teri Ray's Avatar
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    I believe I am finally at peace with my desire to crossdress. I will say it took me a long time to quit the self loathing but now that I am open to my wife with this desire, life seems much better. I no longer have to hide, keep secrets, or find sneaky ways to get to wear female attire from my wife.
    Teri Ray Rural Idaho Girl.

  12. #12
    Platinum Member kimdl93's Avatar
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    Not at peace. I am often quite conflicted. Although I live alone and have the option to dress as I wish on a day to day basis, I find some benefit in going out and mingling with everyday people as I experience life presenting as a woman.

    I like Gretchen’s gender concept of being a jack of all trades, master of none. It seems I will inevitably have my feet planted in both worlds, and never be perfectly fitted to on or the other.
    Last edited by kimdl93; 09-13-2020 at 08:30 AM.

    Easy come, easy go;
    Easy left me long ago...

  13. #13
    Member Natalie5004's Avatar
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    In my head not really. I am in need of expressing myself to my wife. She won't have it. I have great friends she is afraid I will tell them.

    I want to go out for lunch, go shopping, go out for drinks. All with a bunch of my girl friends. I have not told a soul. I have, as most of you might know grown my hair to my shoulders, colored out most of the great with streaks of dark. medium and blond highlights, pierced my ears, working on my eyebrows. I am sure they are thinking something is up but so far no real questions.

    So, how do I help myself when I want to be a woman part time but have nobody to share it with other than people on the other side of the computer screen? At least I can dress for 8 hours 2 to 3 times a week or all day when I am away at my other home. But still not quite happy about it.

  14. #14
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    I am more at peace with my gender identity today then at any time in the past, and I am thankful for that. I strive to continue to expand my female-like thinking and presentation, which seem to increase my peacefulness - albeit in baby steps.

  15. #15
    Exploring NEPA now Cheryl T's Avatar
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    Yes, I am fully at peace with this.
    After decades of denial, guilt and shame I finally realized that this isn't some "habit" or obsession, it's who I am.

    How I came to this point? I stopped hating myself for it and began to love who I am.
    Wear what makes you feel Confident !

  16. #16
    Administrator Di's Avatar
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    Everyone,
    Thank you for your frank answers. Much appreciated.
    Keep them coming
    If you are a Genetic Female (Female at Birth) and would like to join us in the F.A.B. Forum, please follow the link.

    F.A.B. Forum Access

    Sherlyn,My beautiful sweet girl
    You forever and always will be my one and only true love . ❤️

  17. #17
    Senior Member NancySue's Avatar
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    Yes, I?m totally at peace with my dressing. My wife?s acceptance has a lot, if not all, of my dressing. It?s just a part of me. I dress daily and love it.

  18. #18
    Member Tania's Avatar
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    Like so many, until my late 40?s, pretty much struggled with it. I finally came to grips this is not going away. A sign of middle age maturity, I suppose. I know it is different for each individual, and I feel empathy for those who will never fully accept this side of there personna.

    Once I accepted that fact, it became a little easier. Now at 57, there are days once in a while, but all in all, accept and enjoy this side of my personality. Just as a reference, my wife has known for 33 of our 35 year marriage. She has always accepted/tolerated this side of me, but has embraced it more in recent years.
    Last edited by Tania; 09-13-2020 at 09:37 AM.

  19. #19
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    even though my wife is tolerant i am not and probably never will
    be at peace with being a crossdresser.
    i lack the courage to be totally honest with both my wife and myself

  20. #20
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    Thanks for the question and the responses. It isn't often that we talk so honestly about who we are and how we navigate life. I appreciate so many of you have gone through this while maintaining a pretty normal life... marriage, children, career. Despite living a life that at times appeared normal in reality I was carrying the residue of sexual trauma from infancy and childhood and life was a hell realm. Crossdressing behavior appears to be one of the products of those experiences. I didn't remember the traumas until much later in life but I did not forget crossdressing. It was eternally a source of great sexual excitement and even greater shame. I was arrested at age 19 for breaking into homes to steal lingerie. I've spent much of my life trying to understand and come to terms with my behaviors which were clearly aberrant. Years of therapy, a graduate degree in psychology, years of spiritual practice and in 12 Step rooms have helped me come to self-acceptance and self-compassion. It has been a long journey.

    I live alone and after about 20 years of having done no crossdressing, I'm allowing myself to experience those feelings without shame. I'm watching videos about transgender topics, and of boys who've transitioned. I came to this website to read about how others are relating to these feelings and behaviors. I'm not quite certain what these behaviors represent for me right now but I don't believe it has anything to do with passing or transitioning. I certainly feel comfort when I'm wearing a brassiere but I don't feel like growing out my hair or putting on eye makeup, or wearing a dress. Of course, the question asked is "am I at peace?" I'd say yes. Suppressing these feelings really has never served me. Allowing these feelings to be present without shaming myself feels like a step into the fullness of who I am. It doesn't really matter how I came to be this person. The important question is whether I am willing to BE this person. Fortunately for me, I don't feel a need to present this person in public or to any particular person. Two friends know about my exploration and are very supportive, one man, one woman. Whether they will experience more than what I share in conversation is not clear. I guess the best way to put it is I'm at peace, but I know this is an unfolding process. I don't know what it means or where it leads. I'm fine with that.
    We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time...
    T.S. Eliot Four Quartets

  21. #21
    Senior Member Pumped's Avatar
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    I am at peace with my dressing, I got there a few years ago. I decided I wasn't hurting anyone, including myself. Many worse things I could be doing. CD'ers talk about guilt, I never had any. I never felt any guilt, I only wished my wife would be accepting so I could stop trying to hide it all, and that has happened. I dress as I please at home.

  22. #22
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    I'm not at peace yet I think it is an attainable goal. I am a work in progress now exploring pushing my boundries building a wardrobe searching for my best look. I am happy these things are happening but being at peace is a distant light at the end of the tunnel. I am confident I will get there.

  23. #23
    Gold Member Lana Mae's Avatar
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    OK, I am TS not a CD anymore, but I started all this as one!
    I determined I needed to step out of the closet and took a car ride dressed as much as I could! No wig and no make up! Exhilarating! I knew that I needed a wig and some level of make up/skills! I saved my money and booked a transformation, make up lesson and shopping for a wig! After all of that, my self acceptance and confidence were through the ceiling!
    I started really observing cis-women! They are not all hourglass shaped with hips wider than their shoulders! There are 3 ladies just here in my town who have hips narrower than their shoulders! I am older(69) and older women and men start to look alike! LOL No, it is true! I found a number that actually look similar to me! More
    self acceptance!
    I am on HRT and that definately contributes to my peace! Self acceptance is the place to start!!! If you can get out, that helps the confidence oh so much! I live in North Carolina and am accepted almost everywhere I go! I do not know if as female or trans but that is not important, the acceptance is what is important!
    Just some thoughts on the thread!Hugs Lana Mae
    Life is worth living!
    "Foxy lady! You look so good!!" Jimi Hendrix

  24. #24
    Silver Member Bobbi46's Avatar
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    I am now but for many years I fought within myself about whether this was for real, was it just a phase, what makes me like this? and loads of other thoughts. My work and mariages (2) forced my desires underground with only brief spells. It was only after I seperated and divorced my 2nd wife that at last I found freedom and peace.Plus having aDr friend i was able to probe the whys and wherefores of being like I am. Having after many years found the answers I was looking for, I found peace, explored what and how I wanted to be and finally embarking on a happy life of 24/7 dressing.
    And now? I am at peace for the very first time in me entire life.
    I started life a lost man now I am a found woman

  25. #25
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    My answer to that is a definite yes I am very much at peace with my crossdressing and life fells good around it, that makes it sound really easy and it has been anything but

    When I started I was 8yo, so I have been dressing now for over 50years and I can't quite put my finger on the exact point at which I accepted me, it took many years of the angst and all the negative feelings that I had about myself for being different, but along the way, I found a way to accept me and now me and my dressing are as one and we are very happy together

    Teenage years were probably the worst, being around my friends when I was wearing panties or bra and panties was really tough and being different was hard to understand, but it is part of who I am and once I realised that and I wanted it to be part of me, I began to ease my way to acceptance

    It feels amazing to be sat here now dressed as I want to be dressed and hopefully showing someone who reads this that there is a way through, but we are all different and I so wish that I had been able to come here when I was 8yo and through my teens, I guess one of the worst things is thinking that you are the only one who is different

    I am definitely at peace, no regrets other than I wish I has been a bit easier on myself earlier in life, would I want to stop? definitely not, do I want to be "cured"?? absolutely not, this is me

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