Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 25 of 43

Thread: Attraction and Envy

  1. #1
    New Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2020
    Posts
    22

    Confused: Female Attraction and Envy

    Deleted original post.
    Last edited by Mia_799; Yesterday at 06:54 PM.

  2. #2
    Super Moderator Jeri Ann's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Location
    Houston
    Posts
    1,291
    Envy, attraction and dressing up to feel sexy are poor motivations for transitioning.

  3. #3
    New Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2020
    Posts
    22
    Removed this post.
    Last edited by Mia_799; Yesterday at 06:55 PM.

  4. #4
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2016
    Location
    Greater Houston
    Posts
    2,265
    I agree that those things alone don't add up to a definitive diagnosis, but Mia is also relating some signs of gender dysphoria.

    Mia, you say you've been to a "gender therapist". What were his/her thoughts on your condition (if you don't mind my asking)?

    You are unlikely to find validation here. For every "I have that too!" response, there will be a half dozen "Nope, never had that" responses. This is hardly surprising. We're all different individuals after all. I came to grips with my identity only after therapy. Jeri Ann blew good money having a noted gender therapist tell her what she has known almost all her life. LOL. If you're still wondering, there's probably still some work to do.
    "Being honest may not get you a lot of friends, but it will always get you the right ones."
    -- John Lennon

    https://groups.io/g/gno-houston

  5. #5
    New Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2020
    Posts
    22
    Deleted this post.
    Last edited by Mia_799; Yesterday at 06:55 PM.

  6. #6
    Member Dorit's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    Location
    Israel
    Posts
    482
    Mia, I do not know how old you are but I have said this before that many transsexuals seem to sexualize their "cross-dressing" at a young age. That in and of itself does not mean you are or or not a transsexual. You will have to find this out for yourself through living. I do see that you have a lot of fear about what you are doing being exposed to other people and it seems to control your decisions about who you are and what you want to express. I believe you need to work on this with a therapist, fear should not be the basis for a happy life and decisions. I do hope you will find the right answer.

  7. #7
    The 100th sheep GaleWarning's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    Living in the present
    Posts
    2,246
    A lot of people on the forum seem to go out 'as they are' with their broad shoulders, and sometimes beard and all.
    I think not a few people will say that it is all about self-acceptance and self-confidence.
    Good luck in your search for understanding.

  8. #8
    Aspiring Member MarieTS's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    Pacific Northwest
    Posts
    807
    Mia, first off, it just seems out of character for a therapist to goad you towards transition. That is the sort of thing an effective therapist would not do. Instead, a good therapist provides a setting in which you self-advocate for transition. In turn, they help you sort out your feelings and assist you in dealing with the myriad of internal and external complexities that are involved in transition.

    Secondly -- and sadly -- during the process of transition be prepared to lose all your friends. If you are not willing to do that then you will always be held hostage by your untransitioned life. As such, you may likely be a better candidate for CD'ing as opposed to a life altering transition.

    I hope this helps align your perspective.
    Last edited by MarieTS; 09-16-2020 at 04:13 AM.
    Marie

  9. #9
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    11,928
    Mia,
    I agree with Marie your gender counsellor was incorrect in her advice , they can only help you come to terms with it after you've made the decison . You have so many loose ends I feel you need to see another counsellor to give you some clear thinking on what road you should be travelling down . You say you live alone and what you wear isn't problem but I don't think you've mentioned if you are totally out in the RW . I found I couldn't achieve a balance until I made that decision now my life is more in balance .

    How you look and what clothes you wear are only part of the equation , I'm sure most of us have envied others but we are what we are so we just take what we have and make the best of it .

    Attraction to a specific gender isn't a problem , I'm still attracted to women , I'm not looking for a new relationship but if it happens then so be it . Being one of the girls is something I've always felt , I just live with it , why make it a problem ?

    The bottom line is find yourself and be honest with it , you can't live your life in someone elses shoes .

    I agreed with Marie on her first part but I don't agree with on the second part , I've found I haven't lost any friends or old acquaintances in fact I've made far more new ones , being TG hasn't formed a social barrier .
    Last edited by Teresa; 09-18-2020 at 11:27 AM.
    The real me ,no going back.

  10. #10
    Aspiring Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2015
    Posts
    636
    Hi Mia,

    My 2 cents - I am non-binary, and have been on cross-sex hormones for almost 3 years, and didn't have a therapist, but did the digging into my identity myself using a guide written by a gender therapist Dara Hoffman-Fox "You and your gender identity" .

    I think it is normal to feel both sexual about other women and want to have bodies like theirs whether you like to cross dress or transition. The thing about transition - is different. It's more have to do with actual dysphoria living as your present self. If you can meet your urge to cross dress with spending some time in the real world dressed and then you are OK to return back and live and present as a male for a while, then it is probably the easiest and safest thing to do. For me personally, there was no way I could live any longer presenting male. I had to leave this part of me behind once and for all because it was mentally killing me.

    Good luck,
    Katya

  11. #11
    Silver Member Sometimes Steffi's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    Nation's Capital
    Posts
    4,225
    Therapy is supposed to be a judgement-free zone. That includes "judging" you to be trans. Your therapist should be there to help you figure it out, but not tell you what to do.

    No amount of medical treatment will shrink the size of your shoulders or hands. The best way to determine if a woman has had youth affirming plastic surgery is to look at he hands. Old hands can't really can't be fixed.

    Do you go out as you are, big shoulders and all, in correctly sized clothes. Maybe that's all you need. There's no going back on surgery or hormones.

    I have a friend who got the whole package, including FFS. She said the FFS was more feminizing than anything else she did.

    YMMV. I am a CD who will probably not transition, except possibly socially.
    Hi, I'm Steffi and I'm a crossdresser... And I accept and celebrate both sides of me. Or, maybe I'm gender fluid.

    Gender fluid (adj.) - Describes a person whose gender identity is not fixed. A person who is gender fluid may always feel like a mix of the two traditional genders, but may feel [more] like one gender some days, and [more like] another gender other days.

    Ref: https://www.lgbthealtheducation.org/wp-content/uploads/LGBT-Glossary_March2016.pdf

  12. #12
    Member Star01's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2018
    Posts
    342
    Mia_799, I am a CD who checks off many of the same boxes but I check this section every few days. My situation is complicated and I can't dress often and that adds to the stress.

    I used to think that my CD'ing was a sex kink but I turn 69 in a few days and as the libido diminishes the urge to dress and feminize remains. Many have stated that this often starts as a CD and progresses until a person realizes they are transgender. I am in therapy and I'm trying to understand many of the same questions. I have been holding my CD'ing in check until this all becomes more clear and that gets more difficult as time goes on.

    The difficult thing about all this is that there is no lab test to give a diagnosis and no treatment besides transition. I went into it thinking the therapist would give a diagnosis but all he does is gives pros and cons and leaves the answer up to me. Apparently I am not ready or the answers would come to me. I am finding that this is a slower process than I imagined but I am staying with it.

    All the best to you. I hope you can sort things out because living in limbo isn't fun.

  13. #13
    Gold Member Lana Mae's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    7,891
    OK! I am NOT a therapist but am just relating some experiences!
    I attended a house concert and started feeling something! I thought it was sexual thoughts toward the female singer! It got so bad that I left the concert! Analysis later told me I loved her dress, her boots and really wanted to be her! Now that was early on in my journey and I was a CD!
    Your therapist was totally wrong to push you toward transitioning! They are to guide you not push you! Transitioning is your decision alone! It is not something to take lightly! You need to go out dressed in the real world before you make any moves toward transition! There are many forms and styles of women out there! I myself am plus size and accept that fact! I always felt unsexy but was indirectly hit on by a guy! This helped me realize different strokes for different folks!
    The experience you have will help temper your decisions! Get a real gender therapist and start over! Remember only you make the decisions!
    Best wishes on your journey!
    Hugs Lana Mae
    Life is worth living!
    "Foxy lady! You look so good!!" Jimi Hendrix

  14. #14
    Little Mrs. Snarky! Nadine Spirit's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    California
    Posts
    1,283
    Hi Mia - much of what you wrote is something I could have written several years ago. I was very confused and very much in denial about who I am. Much of the information I read from these very boards scared me. I have been a member here since 2013, I think. Back then I considered myself as solely a CD and the TS boards scared me! It was a bit of a rougher group then. The prominent idea that stuck to me from viewing the TS board "from the outside" was that most people here said do not transition unless you are ready to kill yourself first. I have never been ready to kill myself, thus I clearly was not TS.

    Ah, not so fast. As many have said, we are individuals and we are all different. Simply because one person, or many people, say that they chose to transition for a certain reason does mean that becomes the only and sole reason to transition. I chose to transition because I was tired of the swirled up feelings within me. I had been able to cope with my distress for much of my life, but it was undeniable that I was in a state of distress, even if that distress never led me to wanting to kill myself.

    So how about you? Yeah I personally think you are in as much denial as I was. Your therapist saw it. And you yourself saw it, otherwise I don't think you would have "tried" HRT. That is a bit more than Cding. What I really feel from you is what I suffered from, fear. And it is hard to overcome and realize what is true and right. My therapist has always pointed out the obvious, even when I was not interested in seeing it. She never pushed anything on me, but rather told me she would hold my hand and help me find my way through the darkness. When I finally told her, after a year of HRT and a year of therapy that I was going to transition, she said, yeah I was waiting for it.

    BTW, "Envy, attraction and dressing up to feel sexy are poor motivations for transitioning." I agree though those were all things I felt prior to transitioning. They were not the only things I felt, but they were some of them. I can make much more sense out of them now, but then, they just added to my confusion. I often think I would have realized I am TS sooner if I was attracted to men instead of women. Wanting to have sex with women as well as trying to understand that I am a woman was very challenging. Now at least I understand my obsessiveness about it all. Actually I understand pretty much everything about myself so much better now. Denial sucks!

  15. #15
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Posts
    6,606
    I can echo lots of the later comments..

    I spent my entire life as a "Crossdresser". I "fantasized" alot about being a woman and it became more and more distressing to me over the years.

    Mia your statement here. "[I]I suppose I am confused because I tell myself one thing and am searching everything about being trans" is one that I totally relate to.

    This behavior of mine was constant for decades. I never really cognitively noticed. It was a bit of a different era, so my internal phobic thoughts were about TS being about sexy models and dancers came from the info that was around in 70s and 80s.

    As I started to notice this behavour it became incredibly painful. I now know this is what they call gender dysphoria. Sometimes I still have internal thoughts about not being TS but because the GD was so bad I actually have no doubts about it and I know I did the right thing. I also know because I never ever thought for one second about turning the boat around once it started to sail.


    Your comment about HRT is a huge data point. You tried taking a meaningful step. It wasnt right for you. Doesnt that answer your question? Or perhaps you have to explore what you really mean by your fears compelled you to stop.

    Try to think straight and try to only focus on what matters. What was the fear that stopped HRT? How bad do you really feel? Why is just crossdressing not making you feel whole? Sounds easy and simple...you know better after all that therapy but you also may consider that so far you have struggled being a reliable narrator to yourself...



    I
    I am real

  16. #16
    Silver Member Devi SM's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2015
    Location
    Riverside, CA near, Corona, Los Angeles.
    Posts
    2,305
    Mia, I start reading your thread yesterday and today I wanted to comment but when done you know what happen, it kik me out because the link as yesterday was doesn't exist today. What a bummer, several times that happens yo me and I still not learning...lol

    Well the same as with the website I still learning from my daily life. What am I? Transexual, transgender? Lesbian? I don't know, I just gave up with labels but I'm sure the life I'm living is the right one.

    After re-reading all the comments I don't have too much to comment except that we all, here, post our own limited knowledge based in our own experience and our own research.

    In my case I had experiences, may be the same as yo, but they were not the only ones that finally moved me to who I am today.

    Please, don't take our words as final because we all are different.

    As many here I disagree on the "pressure" of your gender therapist to transition. I'd been in therapy with three therapist, the first one was very general, the second a family therapist with some experience on crossdressers and now I see, in a monthly basis, a gender therapists that happens to be transgender as well, ftm.
    I went to see the first therapist looking for answers but I didn't receive what I was looking. As you, we all look for acceptance and affirmation but therapists don't do that. They won't tell you what you are or what to do.

    For me, the therapist helped me to clear my mind from what is real and what is not, they helped me with strategies for my own life development, the relationship with my wife but never push me to hormones or to quit when I panicked in the 8th month on HRT.

    I agree with most of the comments here but, again, dont take our comments as definitive negative rejection or positive affirmation. We all are different and just writing our own journey, look for yours, for sure can be similar to some of us but it will be definitely different.

    Keep looking, researching, trying, this life is just one and everybody deserve to live it with honesty and truth.

    Mho.

    Devi
    Last edited by Devi SM; 09-17-2020 at 11:44 AM.
    See my daily posts and pics on tumblr, just look for @devi-sm
    At Instagram @devisanm

    Facebook, Vanessa Grandy from riverside, california.

  17. #17
    Junior Member NicoleRenee's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2019
    Location
    Washington State
    Posts
    79
    Mia...Marie made a good point about a good therapist. A good one should not confirm that you are or not trans but to guide you thru the process. Answer what feelings you have, maybe next steps. It is your decision if you are trans or should stay a crossdresser. I am now seeing a therapist that works with many individuals going thru the process and in the community where I live. She is a clinical psychologist. She will literally just sit there until I say something. I may ask here why I feel a certain way, she will answer because the brain is telling you something. She may give me statistics. But it is all me talking to her and her explaining things. I said to here first that I was trans or feeling trans. She just confirmed it. YOU have to decide if you are.

    The one thing that Marie may be wrong with is losing friends. She may have lost friends in her journey but not everyone does. I am just starting my journey and haven't lost a friend yet. Some have even surprised me by reaching out. If you do lose friends, maybe they weren't true friends. My therapist told me yesterday that I may have friends that step away but 3 out of 5 friends will come back after the shock wears off or they realize that shouldn't break the friendship. Plus if you lose some, you will gain many more along the way.

    If you are alone dressing in your house, if you have those feelings of being trans, step out. It doesn't matter if you have broad shoulders or a masculine face or even walk like one. You will be surprised what you will find while you are out. You will always get looks, most of them from men trying to figure you out. Women generally don't care. You might even get a few compliments along the way.

  18. #18
    Dr. Girlfriend AmandaM's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    San Diego
    Posts
    2,135
    Quote Originally Posted by Mia_799 View Post
    Sometimes when I see a female with small soft shoulders, amazing curves with soft facial features and small cute hands, I am obviously attracted and find it sexy but then I also get jealous and wish I could be her.

    when I dress up I dislike my masculine features and envy every aspect of the female body. I want smaller shoulders and curves and just imagine what I would?ve looked like born a female.
    You are almost exactly like me. What both my therapists said was wise. Go down the path of femininity and see where you end up. You don't need to go all the way down the road, just get to the place that is best for you. The first thing I must do, is make myself more feminine physically. Then I will feel better looking in the mirror. Baby steps. HRT may be in my future, but that's a question for tomorrow. For now, it's diet, exercise, shave, etc.

  19. #19
    New Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2020
    Posts
    22
    Deleted this post.
    Last edited by Mia_799; Yesterday at 06:58 PM.

  20. #20
    Silver Member Devi SM's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2015
    Location
    Riverside, CA near, Corona, Los Angeles.
    Posts
    2,305
    Mia, I wouldn't use the world normal because normality is a rule established for the majority or the more common, we're neither one yet. I used to say that may be in another 20 or 30 years to talk about transexualism or transgenderism will be so weird as today to talk about slavery but who knows.

    I would say that your feelings are very common on trans people before transition or bet out of the closet.

    As you mention, fear of the people around us is so strong that works in two ways, one way doesn't let us move forward but at the same time torment us for not doing it. Weird? Yes it's weird.

    I think many of us experience the same as you for a while up to when decide overcome those fears and doubts and bite the bullet getting out of the cloeet and do more definitive moves to be ourselves.
    Today I was thinking in all the same fears you have now I had years ago and had a lunch/dinner with my sons, their wives, one of their mother in law, my grandsone and wife, everybody is more than ok. We celebrate my, my son's and one of my daughter in law birthday. I received just femenine gits as a watch, a make up traveler case, a bracelet, chocolates, etc.
    The previous scene torture me for years but there was no reason.

    Today I just live "normal" life, can we call it normal?
    I just got home from a tire shop where I go for tire rotation, alignment etc, this was the first time I did it as I am , there was no weird faces or acts just normal, nice treatment as any other woman, we were two in that moment.
    Om just now writing this, my wife is at my side watching the kids. A couple years ago I wouldn't do it in front of her.....
    Mho

    Devi
    See my daily posts and pics on tumblr, just look for @devi-sm
    At Instagram @devisanm

    Facebook, Vanessa Grandy from riverside, california.

  21. #21
    New Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2020
    Posts
    22
    Deleted this post.
    Last edited by Mia_799; Yesterday at 06:58 PM.

  22. #22
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    11,928
    Mia,
    Maybe turn this around , how do you feel when you look in the mirror and see the man looking back at you , it happens every morning and I admit I hate it , I tend to look beyond that and do what needs to be done with shaving .

    Sorry Mia , have I missed your age but I do agree it's not easy when that man has lived a full male life before embarking on this journey , I don't think any of us lose some of those traits , I accept at times they come as a useful bonus , I live alone so I need to get my head round all my jobs having that man has his uses at times .

    I accept I may never go any further social transition is working out fine for me , my anatomy doesn't give me major concerns , it's all tucked out the way and there when I need to go to the bathroom . It would lovely to have larger boobs but I'm happy with my figure as are the people Icome into contact with .

    I wonder if dysphoria is mostly a problem if you have to live with restrictions of others , if you can find a happy , contented balance and live a " Normal " life the problem just simmers on the back burner .

    Maybe you need to ask yourself , to live comfortably full time as a woman how much difference would full transition make to your everyday life ? I've thought very hard about this and discussed it with my gender counsellor , at the moment I feel I've made the right decision . It's very easy to see other members here living a lifestyle which you envy or think you need the same thing but each of our lives are different so you have to be honest with what suits you and not others .
    The real me ,no going back.

  23. #23
    Aspiring Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2015
    Posts
    636
    Hi Mia,

    There are gender fluid people out there, whose sense of own gender change from day to day or throug the day. They are under the transgender umbrella as well.

  24. #24
    New Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2020
    Posts
    22
    Deleted this post.
    Last edited by Mia_799; Yesterday at 06:58 PM.

  25. #25
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Posts
    6,606
    The rabbit hole sucks.

    used to refer to a bizarre, confusing, or nonsensical situation or environment, typically one from which it is difficult to extricate oneself.

    I feel for you. You have to figure out as soon as possible at least one thing you can do to answer a question for yourself ... i can't tell you what that is...

    i do know that the only thing that mitigates gender dysphoria is expressing the right gender... and i also know the fastest way to kill pink fog is commit to go to the Supermarket and shop for pickles on a hot summer day as a woman, smiling and talking to anyone you meet.
    I am real

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  


Check out these other hot web properties:
Catholic Personals | Jewish Personals | Millionaire Personals | Unsigned Artists | Crossdressing Relationship
BBW Personals | Latino Personals | Black Personals | Crossdresser Chat | Crossdressing QA
Biker Personals | CD Relationship | Crossdressing Dating | FTM Relationship | Dating | TG Relationship


The crossdressing community is one that needs to stick together and continue to be there for each other for whatever one needs.
We are always trying to improve the forum to better serve the crossdresser in all of us.

Browse Crossdressers By State