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Thread: Attraction and Envy

  1. #26
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    Last edited by Mia_799; 09-27-2020 at 06:57 PM.

  2. #27
    Member Dorit's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mia_799 View Post
    The rabbit hole indeed sucks and therapy can be expensive but the thought of dressing up and going out in public scares the heck out of me at the same time sounds exhilarating. Not sure I have the courage to do that at this point.

    One thing I?ve realized for sure is that I?m more than a crossdresser so that helps at least.
    You sound like a pretty normal transgender women! We all seem to have to pass through the stage of fear. I know I did. What changed it for me was the experience of being full time female for two months on holiday in another country. When I came home I knew I had to live the rest of my life outwardly as the woman I always was. Was the fear gone? Not the least, but I had this determination that I has to transition. Now three years later the fear is gone and the exhilaration is left!

  3. #28
    Little Mrs. Snarky! Nadine Spirit's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mia_799 View Post

    Now if I transition and become the woman I always wanted to be, will it be the opposite and sometimes I won?t want my boobs and curves and just to be a man without makeup or all the things that come with making myself feminine?
    Hello again - I used to think this exact same thing. It was actually something that I held up as evidence that I should not transition. However, I did transition anyway, and now I know the answer to that question, nope I'm not ever interested in presenting as male. Are there times that I am not interested in wearing makeup, my wig, my nice dresses, and heels? Sure, however I never want to be rid of the body I now have. So I go out, without all of the "stuff" I use to "make myself feminine," and thrillingly, I am still gendered properly as a woman. Once one transitions, it is not the "stuff" that makes one female, it is who we are. And while boobs are not the thrill a minute affair I dreamed that they would be (growing them can be quite painful at times) there is never a time that I wish they were not there.

  4. #29
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Mia,
    If we can truly be what we feel or need inside dysphoria usually subsides , it is the fears of judgement from others that often creates that barrier . The problem is many of those fears reside in our heads and not in others , out of all the people I know , family ,friends , the only person that now passes judgement is my wife ( soon to be ex ) . In the end you have to make the decision to exlude some people from your life not unless they need you and are prepared to change but I don't force that issue the choice is their's not mine .

    I also don't feel I'm too bad looking as a man but seeing him in the mirror just doesn't feel good anymore , I now tend to shy away from people when I have to do the few hours in male mode . It doesn't really matter how much cosmetic attention I pay to myself the bottom line is looking basically female is just right in everyway .

    Kaitlyn,
    I hate pickles but I might just try that when GD strikes , that was so funny !!
    Last edited by Teresa; 09-23-2020 at 11:26 AM.
    The real me ,no going back.

  5. #30
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    I don?t think everyone needs to go to therapy to figure out their gender issues, but it sounds like it would be of value to you. Getting some street time presenting female would be good. Find a support group near you, present female, and go meet a variety of trans people. see what resonates.

    i wasn?t sure how long i would continue, or how i would feel about feminizing my body through hrt, but knew if i didn?t it would nag me for the rest of my life, and i would be broken. so i did. i don?t always feel ?yah, lets get pretty?. i wore a guys tank top and shorts yesterday after changing out of women?s shorts and a tee. but i am always pleased when i look in the mirror and see how my body has changed, and wish the changes were more significant. i don?t desire my old guy body back. and regardless of the clothes i?m wearing, i?m always me. the presentation actually became far less significant to me once i worked out who I was.
    Last edited by Nikki.; 09-23-2020 at 08:58 AM.

  6. #31
    formerly: aBoyNamedSue IamWren's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nikki. View Post
    .... regardless of the clothes i?m wearing, i?m always me. the presentation actually became far less significant to me once i worked out who I was.
    This is what I was hoping for the most through HRT and surprisingly after three months I’m happy to report that’s how I feel about putting on all the accoutrements to perform gender as a woman.

    As for inadvertently giving yourself a sort of reverse dysphoria... as an enby it was something I was really worried about as well and to some degree still am but I’m working on that with my therapist.

    p.s. and yeah... growing boobs sucks. Not because of reverse dysphoria so much but because it really hurts.
    I am not a woman nor am I a man... I am an enby. Hi, I am Wren.

  7. #32
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    they eventually stop hurting

  8. #33
    Super Moderator Jeri Ann's Avatar
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    After 20 years and BA I still have breast tenderness as a result of taking Estrogen. It is a common side effect even for post menopausal women who take estrogen.
    Last edited by Jeri Ann; 09-23-2020 at 03:42 PM.

  9. #34
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    me too......................
    I am real

  10. #35
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    Last edited by Mia_799; 09-27-2020 at 06:57 PM.

  11. #36
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    So, if you search on my user name you’ll find some posts with similarities. I never prayed for god to make me into a girl, i prayed for god to take the desire to be a girl away and just make me normal, whatever that meant. didn’t work.

    My take is most humans are burdened with some thing or things to be unhappy about, and i got dealt the trans hand in the great poker game of life. I doubt it ever goes away or I’ll be content or happy, however you wish to define it. For me it’s an optimization game...how can i reduce the dysphoria while minimizing the impact to other parts of my life...marriage, career, children, friendships, extended family. Because if i was dysphoria free but lost all my relationships, i would be miserable in a different way. I’ve found some of the consistent messages from people who have transitioned to be true- there’s fallout from family in particular. But the enormous anxiety i had about getting found out is gone. I’d rather live honestly, and that has become more important than some relationships.

    On boob pain, mine hurt for about a year. My e was above 200 pg/ml, so my doctor cut my dose, which brought my level down to around 120, which also seemed to stall development and the boob pain stopped. i added spiro back in, and as of last week my e was up to 176 pg/ml, with my t around 120. I’m satisfied with both levels for now. boobs seem to be growing again, and no pain, even when bumped into something. for whatever reason my hormones levels seem to be pretty sensitive to minor amounts of estradiol and spironolactone. lucky me.

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    two more things:

    1. Can you battle the thoughts (possibly dysphoria) without engaging in any cross gender activities? I think it’s possible. Humans seem to have individual “happiness” set points eg hedonic adaptation. people that undergo horrific losses or physical impairment seem to return to their previous level of happiness. So through stoicism or mindfulness or whatever other technique you find can you retrain your brain to shut out the “background noise” as i call it? Probably worth a shot. Living as a transgender person can be a tough life.

    2. As you explore, don’t fall prey to the madness of crowds. There is no single right way to be transgender, or correct , predetermined tasks you need to check off to be a legit transgender person. Do what you need to do and ignore those who tell you otherwise. There’s a lot of that in the world. Take your time too, there’s no rush.

    Good luck!

  12. #37
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    Last edited by Mia_799; 09-27-2020 at 06:57 PM.

  13. #38
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Mia,
    I can only speak from a UK perspective but I have TG friends and TS friends how they are treated is more to do with their personality than their gender issues . OK I'm not a shrinking violet , I need people , I'm struggling more with that problem through the Covid 19 lockdown than I am with my gender issues . I really haven't seen trans people treated horribly by outsiders but I have seen them treat other members of their social group badly .

    My friends keep telling me to start hormone treatment but I really don't think they would change my life that much , I'm sure you'll agree they aren't a magic pill that puts everything right , they affect people in different ways . If hormones help you achieve a balance that's great , at the moment I OK where I am .
    The real me ,no going back.

  14. #39
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    Right.

    Bluntly. You don't know what's going to happen. If you are expressing your feelings honestly, GD will not go away. The feeling you are sharing does not sound like a feminization fantasy, it sounds like you are coming to terms with what makes you feel like an authentic person.

    The way to proceed is do something, and evaluate the result.

    I've been around here way too long to say "hey stop all the talking" because that's not really gonna happen, and I think all the writing and venting an going back and forth is helpful. Get it all out
    But it would help to talk and think less until you have something new to talk and think about.

    I did things like pluck one eyebrow every day until a month later they were a bit more feminine... I'd look at my eyebrows in the mirror constantly... I did it over time because I was afraid of "being caught"... I did the same thing with fingernails...one day somebody at work commented on them... I clipped them that night. My mind was filled with conflict and fear.. And over about 4 years I got more and more bold and actually was going outside and shopping etc..during that time i found this forum and it was only then that I started to get the GD REALLY BAD because the thought of transition being "possible" drove me mad... that's when i changed therapists and over 2 years transitioned. That's just my experience... but I can say for sure I had alot of feelings you share here. I had all the same fears... I did just as much rabbit hole thinking, wishing it were different and howling at the moon.. it was only by doing things and then reflecting on those things did i ever make any progress at all.
    I am real

  15. #40
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    Last edited by Mia_799; 09-27-2020 at 06:56 PM.

  16. #41
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Mia,
    Hormones wouldn't have solved my dysphoria , being free to chose how I presented myself did , I guess I was lucky with my physical size and shape , it only takes a little extra in my bra to be comfortable with my appearance , I don't make a big issue of not having an hour glass figure , I slot in quite nicely as a trim lady which most people appear to be OK with . I agree the mental side is trickier , counselling got me through enough to know what I needed to find a balance . You suggest you would still like to experience marriage and being a parent , I have no regrets about that part of my life but the pressure and suppression was unbearable at times . So it is " Swings and roundabouts ! " I had all that , you have the total freedom to do exactly as you choose without those restraints . We never have everything in life because life is a compromise , you just have to find what makes you happy and go for it , the grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence .
    Last edited by Teresa; 09-27-2020 at 07:14 AM.
    The real me ,no going back.

  17. #42
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    Last edited by Mia_799; 09-27-2020 at 06:56 PM.

  18. #43
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    Since our individual experiences are by definition subjective, who knows. But my guess is there’s some group think with supposed physiological feelings associated with mtf hrt. I get sore easier doing physical stuff and recovery is harder. I also have some menopausal like symptoms so that’s super fun. sex is different, is more psych dependent and is better. actually much better.

    I did experience a reduction in dysphoria, which could be a psychosomatic effect, or it could be the reduction in T.

    The emotional roller coaster was pretty real, and lasted around 10 months.

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