My journey is not that dissimilar to many others I suspect, realizing at a young age there was something different about how I felt....I quickly learnt it was not something that others found easy to cope with and learnt to bury it and run as hard as I could to escape my feelings.....I built an fantastic life over the next 30-40 years with a wife I love with all my heart, and three amazing children....then the inevitable cracks started to appear....it's really not that great a surprise when the foundations you have built on hold an unresolved issue, and are as solid as quick sand.
After lots of tears, lots of talking and I am ashamed to admit some dubious levels of honesty regarding hormones and their impact, I found my 4-5 years down the path with a wife struggling to cope with changes, but prepared to work overtime to try and make things work at least at some level....

we agreed I could go to work dressed as Jess (wearing blouses instead of shirts, womens jackets and modest 2' women''s boots....), train with the girls in my PT group as Jess and one day at the weekend ...my wife got her husband (tomboy Jess to me) after work, each night, and one day at the weekend ... By now I had grown out my hair, wore subtle nail polish 24/7 and had achieved at least a softer more effeminate appearance regardless of the gender I was supposed to be presenting.

I initially thought this would appease my dysphoric feelings, it was a more than fair compromise and allowed me to retain the family life I greatly value whilst still expressing me and how I felt ...I opened up to most of my friends and family and whilst not changing my birth name I at least had preferred name listed on medical notes and key services I used.... but as the weeks turned to months I started to push past the boundaries that had been set ...little things that encroached on my wife's allotted "boy" time ... wearing make up at work ... until the inevitable happened and my partner said enough is enough....stick to the rules...stop pushing the boundaries or its over.

We talked ..I reflected... and agreed I was being selfish to our promises and that I would start properly honoring our agreement, cutting out work place make up, and giving her the time we had agreed on... great fine...except since that chat I have been experiencing major dysphoric feelings....I now have a sense of dread that I am running from an almost inevitable sense I want to transition regardless of the carnage that that would bring to those I love most..every bit of logic tells me that if I can settle my feelings down I can have all that is dear to me and keep my wonderful life and the future it holds... but inner feelings are not logic and I am really struggling to cope at the moment...I always believed I wanted to transition but didn't need too and that distinct difference would act as a safety net ...I am now not so sure that is the case and there is a very real sense of panic starting to develop...

Has anyone else experienced this , can I just wait these feelings out and things will settle down or have I pushed so much I have started a momentum that can't be stopped...