How much do I share, and how do I do it?

[Brandi Christine]

There is a thread here about underdressing and I didn't want to hijack it but I am looking for some advice along those same lines.

I am in the exact same boat a MichaelM in the other thread, I came out to my Wife a few weeks ago, we haven't discussed boundaries yet, and she does not know I underdress (I do it in the morning prior to getting ready for work, it is something I have done for a couple years recently, something I also did a lot in the distant past).

My Wife and I are talking about US, more than we ever have, with good results so far, although most of that is non-crossdressing topics, more along the lines of life & relationship topics. Things about our pasts we never shared (I was 34, she was 26 when we met).

As for the crossdressing she knows I have a stash of clothing but hasn't asked any real questions about it, questions like about wigs, forms, pictures, makeup. I have stated I need to be all female and passable when I dress up, it's not just a clothes thing, I am assuming she realizes I have all the accoutrements needed to do that. That's fair isn't it?

She does acknowledge that I will be dressing up when away on work related travel and has said she is not especially happy about it but is OK with it as it is a part of me being me. I think one of the keys is letting her know why I want to do this as best as I can. My feelings and attraction to crossdressing go back 50 plus years, she knows this. We both know it is unrealistic to just simply ask me to stop (I have tried that myself, it never works?) and we know we will both have to compromise to keep each other happy (and married).

So, do I tell her about the underdressing? Do I somehow bring up all the other 'stuff'? Or keep is as kind of a DADT thing? I do think I need to tell her, again not really sure how. We are only in our third week of me being out, do I keep slowly peeling back the layers to reveal what has been hidden for so long? Or leave it buried?

[Micki_Finn]

Noooooooo DO NOT slowly reveal. She needs to know the total extent. If she’s constantly finding out new things, it’s going to feel like it’s constantly progressing to her, and she’ll never feel like she’s in stable ground. You need to lay it all out and tell her that this is what you do, but you don’t want to upset her, so if there’s anything that you do that bothers her, she can tell you and you either won’t do that anymore if it’s a hard limit, or else find a middle ground where you can both be happy.

If you don’t give her all the info, then you’re controlling how the rules are made instead of letting her be an equal participant in the rule making.

[Maria 60]

The morning I woke up and put on my wife's pantyhose 3 weeks into our marriage, a thing I thought I left behind when I would be married. That morning I sat on the bed wearing her pantyhose for an hour just thinking and for the first time I realized how real it was and it wasn't going anywhere. Just going though what seemed like a life time of confusion and guilt and I sure didn't want to hide this and live the rest of my life like a fugitive. I decided to roll the dice and come clean, but I married a traditional Italian girl and I knew I wasn't going to put money on the dice because the number I wanted wasnt going to hit. She came home from work that same night and I went all out, I told her everything from the first time wearing pantyhose to wearing my mothers and sisters things all the way to that same morning I put on her pantyhose. I was ready to watch her going crying back to her mother and tell her she married a freak. Instead she had the common "if I was gay","want to be a women" and "is the closest going to be enough for me". She wanted to see where it was going and give it a chance and strangly she didn't want me wearing her things an we went out shopping for a few things. Almost 40yrs married now, l believe the honesty was the most important thing. I still to today don't know how I explained to her the sexual and fantasy part of it, but I did and it wasn't easy. I would say clean the slate, your there now and feel free. That day I told her I lifted a building off my shoulders, at times I do cross the line and break the closet promise and take stupid chances or just do careless things. I make sure as bad as it is I tell her and I believe she appreciates the honestly.
Only you know your wife and all I can do is offer you my life experience and for me the honestly was the best policy and it feels so good not to worry about what she's going to find out about and feel free in your life. Good luck

[Bobbi46]

Brandi it sounds like a fruitful corner has been turned. But one thing you should say to her, only, when the opportunity arises and that is that deep down you are still the same guy she married the only thing that has changed is your need to dress, at least everything is all out in the open and you have nothing to hide frome her, that is the main thing.

[char GG]

I am in total agreement with Micki.

It's obviously your life, do what you want. However, since you asked here, I would say it's time for full transparency. If you continue to keep a secret now, she will most likely wonder what other secrets you are hiding. As Micki said, your wife will be continually off guard if you go slow or peel back the layers - which will not be beneficial to you. It sounds like you have a good deal of communication going on. I would recommend that you be truthful with everything, no more secrets.

[docrobbysherry]

I worry the way u throw "I" and "we", in and out of your post, Brandi. U need to make up your mind which it's to be. And, if u want it to be "we"?

Take Micki's advice!

[Stephanie47]

What I am reading in this thread is you're controlling the entire discussion. She knows what you want her to know. You make assumption she has to know although you have not told her. I agree with the other responses so far. You are actually intending to have it your way. You have laid out your game plan which seems to be already etched in granite. You dress when you're away on business. I got the impression that is a take it or leave it declaration. You tell her you have to do it all the way in order to be fulfilled from which she has to deduce you have all the trappings for it. What is left to discuss? What boundaries are left? Maybe you need to lay it ALL out to her so she can make an informed decision whether she can live with it. Telling her about your underdressing seems to be the least of the forthcoming problems.

[Rogina B]

You dress when you're away on business. What is left to discuss? What boundaries are left? Telling her about your underdressing seems to be the least of the forthcoming problems.

The discussion bores me ! Can't wait until your wife finally asks "So,who are you dressing for?" And,if your comfort level is now about strutting your stuff alone in a hotel mirror,your wife may figure that your self admiration won't last and you'll hit the streets ! So,then you get to have that "sexuality discussion" with her ! You have barely started in this and you need to "get it all out" as others said...

[Cheryl T]

For me and personal experience.
My wife discovered my dressing long ago. We cried and talked and it was ok for a bit then she couldn't handle it.
I went back in the closet and tried to keep it there. Fast forward another 25 years and I just couldn't hide anymore. I sat her down and we talked and I told her the whole story. It was "make or break" but I just couldn't keep it from her any more. It wasn't fair to her or to me. Thankfully we were in a position where it was no longer the big deal it was years before. She began accepting and is my biggest supporter in all way. We have become so much closer as I can share All of me with her and not hold parts back.

That's me...this is your life.

[Teresa]

Cheryl,
I'm sure your outcome is what most of us can only hope for , if the person struggling with TG issues is still the good person underneath , sense should prevail , it can be worked out . At the end of the day it depends how much hurt and ill feelings have been tossed back and forth , sometimes nothing can heal the pain inflicted on each other .

[Teresa]

Brandi,
I feel you need to know why you really have the need to dress and underdress . At the moment you're asking as if you're doing something wrong , maybe just do it without feeling to ask permission , you have the free choice on your own body . I will suggest if you do do it on a daily basis don't go OTT with something too sexy , I like to think my underwear looks OK but my choice is made more on comfort as I have to tuck all the time . Finding a reason to underdess in a bra is more tricky , don't assume she knows you have forms , discovering that could freak her out . That's why initially I used home made ( double layered water filled balloons ) if my wife discovered I had froms with nipples she wouldn't have been happy . The funny thing is I've stuck with my homemade forms because they work so well and tick all the boxes for me .

[Jenny22]

Brandi. Micki and Char GG nailed it. Regardless of the extent of your crossdressing, you have to tell her!!! DON"T KEEP ANY SECRETS during this period of discussion, if you really want her to try and understand you.

[Brandi Christine]

I don?t know if this is going to work?

First off I was/am planning on telling her about my stuff, and the underdressing too. As of last night I pretty much told her about what I have, my "stuff," she now knows that I have makeup, wigs etc? Not just clothes. She knows how I got it too. I haven't mentioned the AM underdressing yet.

I could tell she was unhappy when I got home yesterday so I asked her what it was and if I could help she said something about banning or stopping the internet. She had been back online and is reading all the trans affirming comments to questions about relationships like ours, i.e. one with a crossdressing husband. The consensus is to accept it, and she feels she is a bad wife (Or that society sees her as a bad wife) for not being able to accept it and opposing my crossdressing. I told her I am thankful she is as accepting as she has been, that she did not throw me out when I first told her, that she is not a bad wife but a fantastic one, for all sorts of reasons. I emphasized that my crossdressing is not a reflection on her at all but she sees it that way.

We talked for a couple hours later before going to bed, she wants me to find some sort of aversion therapy, she sees this as an addiction, something that is wrong. I don't want aversion therapy, I like what I do, the way it makes me feel, I really don?t know why but I do. She is comparing it to gambling or heroin addiction, and that if I dress or buy more clothes I am adding to my addiction. She sees her choices as accepting it, which she doesn't want to do, or opposing it, causing strife between us.

I see she loves me, she truly cares for me, I absolutely know this, why can she not accept that this is a part of me, it is not a reflection on her, it is all me. She is also saying I won't compromise on this, what is there to compromise? It looks to me like either I stop, or keep doing it, those are my choices, that is not a compromise? I did a count, I have dressed up 17 times since May 2018, yes it is a part of me, yes, it can consume me if I let it, and yes, part of me just wants to stop it right now, throw it all away, but I also know it will just return again and I'll be right here in the same exact place. And I did ask her what she thinks a compromise is in this situation.

I am hoping things cool down, and I understand I dumped a huge mess in her lap a few weeks ago, maybe this is just a part the process of her accepting it in the long run. I truly hope so?

[Teresa]

Brandi,
My wife also hoped there was a cure for CDing as if it was an illness . This attitude tends to make us appeasing and submissive , even considering she may throw you out of you own home .

I do feel you really have to get it together and decide where you need or would like to go , the fact you've only dressed 17 times since 2018 is unimportant the fact is you do it and have all the items to do it as much or as little as you choose . I personally had the need 24/7 even then the suppression was overwhelming at times , it became so bad for me I ceased to function so something had to be done .

Purging is not an answer because it doesn't remove the need , I had vey few clothes for some time so I did use my wife's to satisfy my needs .

I suggested finding a social group , how would she feel about that , my wife did surprise me by accepting I joined one . Obviously her fears were me being seen and the possibility I might be gay , it was the best thing I ever did .

[Jenny22]

Brandi, you are playing games with her, telling her what you feel the need to tell her, and when. You are just digging a deeper hole for you to fall into. Do it NOW. Tell her everything !!! And, tell her that you are the same fella she loved and married, but that you don't know why you dress. Be her MAN at every opportunity .

[char GG]

I somehow missed exactly WHEN you told her but I believe it takes a while for some newly informed wives to come to grips with their feelings. Meaning, sometimes it takes a few years, not days. You have known about yourself for many years but it's (apparently) a new thing for her. I realize it's hard to do but my thought is, don't try to rush the process.

[jacques]

hello Brandi,
share it all - don't hold anything back.
between you you reach an agreement, even if your wife does not communicate it you will understand!
stay healthy,
luv J

[Natalie5004]

Brandi,

Also keep in mind that she probably has nobody she can talk to about this.
I know my wife has mentioned that to me on more then 1 occasion.

If only she could find a way to talk about this with other wives of CDers.

[DianeT]

I am hoping things cool down, and I understand I dumped a huge mess in her lap a few weeks ago, maybe this is just a part the process of her accepting it in the long run. I truly hope so?

Brandi Christine, I can't speak for your wife, but in a similar situation for 11 months now, I considerably reduced the crossdressing frequency (I brought it to a stop nine months ago) because it proved very complicated for my wife to process the blow and have these important discussions with me if at the same time I kept doing it. Maybe this is a challenge for your wife too?

As for the crossdressing she knows I have a stash of clothing but hasn't asked any real questions about it, questions like about wigs, forms, pictures, makeup. I have stated I need to be all female and passable when I dress up, it's not just a clothes thing, I am assuming she realizes I have all the accoutrements needed to do that. That's fair isn't it?

No it's not because you are choosing what she can know and what she shan't for your own comfort. You mentioned giving her the facts in small bits, one after another. Like Micki said you are controlling the game here. In my opinion you didn't have a real talk with her if you kept some facts to you (I did that mistake too because my wife was taking blow after blow with my revelations. My wife insisted that I laid out everything on the table, NO MORE SECRETS). You may be thinking that you are shielding her by delivering the information in gradual steps, but what it is really doing to her is probably burning her a little deeper each time, because of what you reveal, and because she knows that you lied once more. She isn't a child and needs your full honesty in this situation. Since you decided to open up to her, then tell her the whole story and details, otherwise you seem to be doing this for your own good and not hers. You love her, you will find the strength to do it right. She deserves and is entitled to it.

[Bea_]

I haven't read every comment on this thread yet, but the few I've read are along the lines of "Tell her everything right now and don't string it out." In my case, I just don't see that as necessarily the only or best advice. My personal experience is that it's been better for me to let her know that I'm trying to balance being truthful against the very real possibility of overwhelming her. I've made it clear that my taste extends beyond what she's comfortable with and I haven't gone into great detail about specifics. The things I've made clear are that I'm heterosexual, monogamous and that I love my role as the man in our relationship.

In my marriage I treat it more as a want-to-know basis. When she either says or shows that a particular issue makes her uncomfortable, I back off but try to make it clear that I'm backing off for her. She knows that I would wear a bra and makeup, given a choice, but I'm not pushing it on her. We don't have hard boundaries but have both seemed to try and reach a balance.

[Brandi Christine]

On Sunday I shared it all, everything. Very rocky since then, bad ups & worse downs. Since then per her I have deleted my pinterest (kind of useless anyway) and my deviant art (sounds worst then it is). She considers my posting of any pics to be cheating, it is what it is, they are gone now.

She is also furious with my therapist, and at one point wanted me off of this forum too (that's what she told me, she now claims she did not mean this site, that it was a misunderstanding, I really don't think so). Not a very happy household right now, we are fighting, not sure where things are going.

[Teresa]

Brandi,
I hope the dust does settle , I know from personal experince it will take time .

I will add that now the damage is done there is no going back to how things were , you're a changed person as far as yopur wife is concerned , another side she never knew existed . At least all the cards are now on the table and you can now think seriously about where you want to progress onto . I'm going to suggest you don't give up on counselling , your wife wants it to stop because she knows she's going to hear thing she doesn't want to hear . My wife buried her head in the sand over counselling , the only way out was working round the brick wall she'd built , I also knew I couldn't go back to the way it was , I was finally trying to be honest with everyone , I feel that is all you can do now and see how the cookie crumbles .

[Liz Jones]

Sounds as if your therapist is part of your problem,perhaps you shouldb"dump" them &get one that BOTH of you are happy with....
Liz

[Brandi Christine]

Just some ramblings...

I can tell you that I am still confused and not 100% sure where I want to go, maybe it is 95% that I know where I want to go, but there is a part of me that wants to know what it would be like in life as a female, I'd call that part 5%. And I'm not sure that destination is even transitioning, it is just "what is it like?" I have also given much thought to what that would cost me? And on top of that list is my Wife, my best friend, my other half. I found love in this life, would I find it again? That is as a man, taking it to the extreme outcome, would I find it again as a transwoman, or someone in between, I have no issues with who or what you want to be, but realistically it does restrict the dating pool. In any case it is a pool I don't need to swim in anymore, I found my partner, I don't want to swim.

Me ever considering transitioning is also by far what my Wife fears most, she is far less concerned about my crossdressing then any thoughts of transitioning. In my mind I am good where I am right now, but I understand her fear, you cannot see the future, and she is processing a lot of difficult information to say the least.

In my visit the therapist has been very pro moving forward with things, with questions like "What would happen if you just shaved your legs?" when I mentioned that I sometimes wish I could shave my legs again as it is helpful to me taking pics (i.e. less photoshop work, easier dressing, I look more girly). When I mentioned that my wife would not stand for it my therapist essentially said "So?"

And as I said before I would go see her during a down cycle in my dressing, not really wanting to dress up, not feeling girly and being more cognizant about who I really am (I guess you could say the "fog" had lifted). By the end of the session I would be ready to buy some new heels, get all dolled up and wanting to take hormones. Did I like the affirmation, hell yes! it was what I wanted to hear, but would it really fix my issues? After two years of therapy I still do not know why I dress up, yes I know it is a part of me, yes I accept it, but I still don't know why. Essentially I was just enjoying the ride, oblivious to any damage it was causing to my life & relationship.

I have ceased seeing my therapist, as for finding a new one, is therapy now just a stamp of approval? It did help me with accepting myself and what I do, I admit that, and that is a good thing. But she never asked me any of the difficult questions I am now asking myself, that my wife is asking me. I feel that their role is now simply one of affirmation, that you are "OK" and that is it...

The good news is right now I am not consumed by wanting to dress up, I still underdress, and there is a part of me anticipating my next session, but I'm not obsessing about it. I think that having my Wife in the know has eased things for me mentally (and maybe made them more difficult for her unfortunately). And me and my Wife are talking more about it, I have shared things with her that no one else has heard, some are very difficult & very very personal, I am letting someone else into my mind, into me. Into place I don?t like to go myself. She's not judging me for it, she even made a joke about me dressing, something I do a lot lately, humor is a good catharsis. In my life my Wife has been a fighter for me, throughout my life, my troubles, my medical issues, and it feels good the she is fighting for me in this, and not just walking out.

[kimdl93]

I cannot speak for the therapist you were seeing. In my experience, therapists are not there to tell you what you should do or to urge you in one direction or another. They are also NOT there to tell you why you are the way you are. They might speculate, but right now, no one can answer the WHY question, not for you or for anyone else.

The therapist’s job, to borrow from my own therapist’s admonition of 25 years ago, isn’t to explain why you are and it is not make you happy. The therapist’s job is to help you understand and accept reality, to clear away the self deceptions, misconceptions and mistaken beliefs we all practice, so that we can make better life choices. Just that. You make the choices and pick the direction you want your life to go, perhaps more effectively as a result of working with the therapist.

If you are 95% certain about your gender identity, your relationship and the wobbling balance of your life, then you’re way ahead of most people. As for that 5% curiosity what living life as a woman might be like, perhaps you might consider that a little bit of fantasy. The reality is that women’s lives are just lives. They eat, sleep, work, play, love and hate...and go to the bathroom, suffer illnesses and frustrations as all humans do. They just sometimes get to do such things wearing much nicer clothes.