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Thread: How much do I share, and how do I do it?

  1. #26
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    Wow, Brandi. It sounds like progress. It's good to hear that you are both communicating and in a good way.

  2. #27
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    Yes. I agree. Being patient, loving, and empathetic is so important. I hope you too continue to make progress

  3. #28
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    Brandi,
    I'm sure you realise the ice is very thin at the moment , so caution is needed . Also be prepared to take one step forward and two back , she's obvioulsy still thinking about the situation .

    You have fine balancing act now between your needs and hers , I hope you can work it out .

  4. #29
    Silver Member Bobbi46's Avatar
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    Brandi it sounds like a fruitful corner has been turned. But one thing you should say to her, only, when the opportunity arises and that is that deep down you are still the same guy she married the only thing that has changed is your need to dress, at least everything is all out in the open and you have nothing to hide frome her, that is the main thing.
    I started life a lost man now I am a found woman

  5. #30
    Senior Member DianeT's Avatar
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    Kudos for managing to bring the pressure down Brandi. Your wife seems to be a good person and full of surprises. I think taking it easy and slowly like you are planning to will go a long way for acceptance. My best wishes to you two.

  6. #31
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    A very lovely story, Brandi. Aren't you glad there are no more secrets to burden you! Her hugging you while you were underdressed, was a positive sign that you two will continue to make positive progress, I'm sure. Remember, you are always her man, too!

  7. #32
    Silver Member Rogina B's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jenny22 View Post
    Remember, you are always her man, too!
    BUT,Perhaps in the end she might not want to be that person.....This is where the split comes in between crossdressers and transgender members. If Brandi doesn't reveal that she "has to be her" then her wife will assume all is good because I am "allowing the clothes".... There are different discussions needed as there are different needs.
    It SURE is my hair ! I have the receipt and the box it came in !

  8. #33
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    I honestly think you are continuing down the right path with your conversations. (In my own case I foolishly took my wife?s silence for tolerance and support...which it was, but tolerance and support accompanied by immense internalized distress that made her physically ill). Better that these feelings be expressed and lose their power to do further damage.
    Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.

    Eleanor Roosevelt

  9. #34
    Member Brandi Christine's Avatar
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    Hi All,

    Just an update,

    We are talking about our relationship as well as my crossdressing, we are both in the same boat, neither of us has anyone else to actually talk to about what I do and why I feel like I do (I'm not seeing my therapist for now and forums are just not the same as talking). I was actually considering meeting with a couple local crossdressers/TG girls just to talk with before all this, that is out for now but having her to talk to is so nice. The good news is we are talking about it in a much more positive way then I thought possible, and we are reconnecting in our relationship, the big invisible elephant that was keeping us apart is now in the room, yes it's pink, but we both can see that... I am so happy to have someone to share things with. She has even asked me if I would be comfortable with keeping my underdressing clothes in the closet in our bedroom rather than in the garage where I keep them now. I have not taken her up on it yet but I think I will? I do miss my pinterest & deviant art pages but I can live without them, I still work on my pics, I just have no one to share them with?

    brandi
    ...Damsel in distress.
    Not exactly natural, Stunning none the less...

    (As Girls Go by Suzanne Vega)

  10. #35
    GG Dutchess's Avatar
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    I am really very glad to hear this . I have been following along and I could really identify with her being angry at the therapist and I thank you for your honesty about that therapist , I would have the same SAME thing happen with Kat.. he would drift back naturally to the non binary world then after a session with the gender therapist would come out like some kind of female caricature and " I didn't really know him like the therapist did" etc etc. Many things contributed to his death but "her" telling him what he wanted to hear instead of what he NEEDED to hear was certainly a factor . He would just go so overboard after his sessions, caused alot of issues.

    Your wife is who you really need to be buds with as you are rediscovering , she knows you best . She is actually fighting FOR you not against you .
    IG : Knightress Oxide

  11. #36
    Silver Member Rogina B's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dutchess View Post

    Your wife is who you really need to be buds with as you are rediscovering , she knows you best . She is actually fighting FOR you not against you .
    Your enjoyment of crossdressing is harmless. Your unrealistic thoughts of transitioning, aren't.
    It SURE is my hair ! I have the receipt and the box it came in !

  12. #37
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    Duchess,
    Sorry if I'm a little sceptical about your comment of " fighting for you not against you " . From my experience motives are important , if they are different between a couple the old wounds will open up again . I do see a little " papering over the cracks " in this situation . Is the open dialogue wishing what will happen rather than honestly what will happen , or even unavoidable ?

  13. #38
    GG Dutchess's Avatar
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    You can be as skeptical as you want . My personal experience is what I wrote from . Not everyone wants to get rid of their spouse to dress 24/7 some people would actually like to stay married and that is what I am speaking too .
    You can see he loves her and both sides would like to try to stay together .
    You are doing your own thing and that's fine.

    I don't understand Ro, do you mean me ?
    Oh I have no idea if he is going to transition or not I just see too many gender therapists ( here and in my real life ) who validate in one direction only and not say what really needs to be said - whatever that is . I see he wants to stay with his wife and seems to really be trying to work it out .
    Last edited by Dutchess; 10-04-2020 at 03:35 PM.
    IG : Knightress Oxide

  14. #39
    Senior Member DianeT's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Teresa View Post
    Is the open dialogue wishing what will happen rather than honestly what will happen , or even unavoidable ?
    Teresa, so you keep repeating, post after post, everytime a couple is fighting to stay together rather than splitting. Not every crossdresser is in a hurry to get rid of his wife nor his wife in a hurry to part ways, please don't project your own experience which is not universal. Not every relation is doomed after a coming out. This couple is not "papering the cracks" either, it seems to me they are instead courageously opening the cracks and looking right into them. And yes, most wives will fight for their husband, not the opposite. Because they love them, and that thing, it moves mountains.
    Don't you want to encourage them instead?
    Last edited by DianeT; 10-04-2020 at 04:36 PM.

  15. #40
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Teresa View Post
    Duchess,
    Sorry if I'm a little sceptical about your comment of " fighting for you not against you " . From my experience motives are important , if they are different between a couple the old wounds will open up again . I do see a little " papering over the cracks " in this situation . Is the open dialogue wishing what will happen rather than honestly what will happen , or even unavoidable ?
    Teresa, we understand the outcome of your situation.

    This is Brandi and her wife's experience, no one else's. Brandi and her wife are working toward an amicable relationship and it's not up to anyone else to inject negativity into it.

  16. #41
    Aspiring Artist Kelly DeWinter's Avatar
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    char GG

    Dutchess is right about posting from her experience. We can't discount someone else's experience because we don't find it to be a positive one.
    There is something called the "Tenth Man" The Tenth Man is a devil’s advocate. If there are 10 people in a room and nine agree, the role of the tenth is to disagree and point out flaws in whatever decision the group has reached.
    It's actually a very healthy way way of looking at problems and issues in home , health , relationships both at home and in business.
    One of the most terrifying things a spouse of a CD/TG faces in our community is "What if this leads to my spouses Transition"
    Every one has a sense of Self Identity and CD/TG challenges all couple to look deep inside.

    PS Dutchess . I'm NOT say you are "The 10th Man" in all conversations, I am saying that your story, your thoughts and opinions are as valid as anyone's.
    Kelly DeWinter
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  17. #42
    GG Dutchess's Avatar
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    Thank you but I am not sure what I said that was negative .

    I am hoping they stay together . I don't think its mandatory to dump your wife to dress , I think its a waste , many here including you are married .
    Brandi says she has all kinds of feelings about dressing but that it seems to get difficult after the therapist . Plus the wife sees her as a threat and yes I have been there so I can't discount that .

    If my post had any negativity in it it would have been that , BUT not only my experience but the experiences from the people I read about here is what has given me that opinion of them. I used to think gender counselors were fine but I am really starting to rethink that - based on posts like this one and a few others I wont name but they are here They will SAY they needed to hear the truth and not just what they WANTED TO hear .
    IG : Knightress Oxide

  18. #43
    Silver Member Rogina B's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dutchess View Post

    I don't understand Ro, do you mean me ?
    I am just repeating that the conversation that has to do with "dressing female" is a different one than about "living female". Initially, the OP had mentioned "living it" in some post or perhaps privately...
    It SURE is my hair ! I have the receipt and the box it came in !

  19. #44
    Member Liz Jones's Avatar
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    Sounds as if your therapist is part of your problem,perhaps you shouldb"dump" them &get one that BOTH of you are happy with....
    Liz

  20. #45
    Member Brandi Christine's Avatar
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    Just some ramblings...

    I can tell you that I am still confused and not 100% sure where I want to go, maybe it is 95% that I know where I want to go, but there is a part of me that wants to know what it would be like in life as a female, I'd call that part 5%. And I'm not sure that destination is even transitioning, it is just "what is it like?" I have also given much thought to what that would cost me? And on top of that list is my Wife, my best friend, my other half. I found love in this life, would I find it again? That is as a man, taking it to the extreme outcome, would I find it again as a transwoman, or someone in between, I have no issues with who or what you want to be, but realistically it does restrict the dating pool. In any case it is a pool I don't need to swim in anymore, I found my partner, I don't want to swim.

    Me ever considering transitioning is also by far what my Wife fears most, she is far less concerned about my crossdressing then any thoughts of transitioning. In my mind I am good where I am right now, but I understand her fear, you cannot see the future, and she is processing a lot of difficult information to say the least.

    In my visit the therapist has been very pro moving forward with things, with questions like "What would happen if you just shaved your legs?" when I mentioned that I sometimes wish I could shave my legs again as it is helpful to me taking pics (i.e. less photoshop work, easier dressing, I look more girly). When I mentioned that my wife would not stand for it my therapist essentially said "So?"

    And as I said before I would go see her during a down cycle in my dressing, not really wanting to dress up, not feeling girly and being more cognizant about who I really am (I guess you could say the "fog" had lifted). By the end of the session I would be ready to buy some new heels, get all dolled up and wanting to take hormones. Did I like the affirmation, hell yes! it was what I wanted to hear, but would it really fix my issues? After two years of therapy I still do not know why I dress up, yes I know it is a part of me, yes I accept it, but I still don't know why. Essentially I was just enjoying the ride, oblivious to any damage it was causing to my life & relationship.

    I have ceased seeing my therapist, as for finding a new one, is therapy now just a stamp of approval? It did help me with accepting myself and what I do, I admit that, and that is a good thing. But she never asked me any of the difficult questions I am now asking myself, that my wife is asking me. I feel that their role is now simply one of affirmation, that you are "OK" and that is it...

    The good news is right now I am not consumed by wanting to dress up, I still underdress, and there is a part of me anticipating my next session, but I'm not obsessing about it. I think that having my Wife in the know has eased things for me mentally (and maybe made them more difficult for her unfortunately). And me and my Wife are talking more about it, I have shared things with her that no one else has heard, some are very difficult & very very personal, I am letting someone else into my mind, into me. Into place I don?t like to go myself. She's not judging me for it, she even made a joke about me dressing, something I do a lot lately, humor is a good catharsis. In my life my Wife has been a fighter for me, throughout my life, my troubles, my medical issues, and it feels good the she is fighting for me in this, and not just walking out.
    ...Damsel in distress.
    Not exactly natural, Stunning none the less...

    (As Girls Go by Suzanne Vega)

  21. #46
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    Brandi, re; your 'just rambling' post today, You are like a leaf in the wind going hither and yon. Accept your wife's acceptance of your girl side, even if it's not all that you'd like. Work with her to develop a better understanding by her of your fem self. Get off the transition wagon unless you are serious about it.

  22. #47
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    I cannot speak for the therapist you were seeing. In my experience, therapists are not there to tell you what you should do or to urge you in one direction or another. They are also NOT there to tell you why you are the way you are. They might speculate, but right now, no one can answer the WHY question, not for you or for anyone else.

    The therapist’s job, to borrow from my own therapist’s admonition of 25 years ago, isn’t to explain why you are and it is not make you happy. The therapist’s job is to help you understand and accept reality, to clear away the self deceptions, misconceptions and mistaken beliefs we all practice, so that we can make better life choices. Just that. You make the choices and pick the direction you want your life to go, perhaps more effectively as a result of working with the therapist.

    If you are 95% certain about your gender identity, your relationship and the wobbling balance of your life, then you’re way ahead of most people. As for that 5% curiosity what living life as a woman might be like, perhaps you might consider that a little bit of fantasy. The reality is that women’s lives are just lives. They eat, sleep, work, play, love and hate...and go to the bathroom, suffer illnesses and frustrations as all humans do. They just sometimes get to do such things wearing much nicer clothes.
    Last edited by kimdl93; 10-05-2020 at 03:28 PM.
    Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one.

    Eleanor Roosevelt

  23. #48
    Aspiring Artist Kelly DeWinter's Avatar
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    I been seeing a therapist 2 to 3 times a year for the past years. After seeing a couple who were more interested in filling their book with appointments than actually helping me with well .. anything. I chanced upon a conservative Baptist Minister. I decided to just be an open book with him. Nothing seemed to phase him. After a couple of get to know you sessions about my family, work, life, interests etc. he asked me What I expected to get out of Therapy. My reply was " I want to find peace with myself" He thought for a moment, then asked me "If you woke up every day and chose for yourself what to wear and how to present, How would that make you feel about yourself ? I replied, "I'd feel happy". He said " You don't need anyone's permission to be Happy, you just need to give yourself permission." I was stunned and from that point followed his advise.

    I think of therapy as being similar to tuning up a car.
    Kelly DeWinter
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