Made way with the wife

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Frax

You posted that your wife told you not to get carried away.

This should be your starting point you need to talk with her.

It should be easier as she know you have an interest in female items.

You need to ask what she means by going too far. Communication is vital.

However don't make any promises you can't keep.

We don't know how your wife feels.

Reading here you should know they are lots of different situations some of which you have mentioned.

DADT (don't ask dont tell), You never leave the house, underwear only, no wig.

One thing I do know is that if you don't ask it could all go wrong very quickly.

You have been given similar advice from women here who have been in the same position as your wife.

These days you have the luxury of a support forum, that the older members here did not have.

[ReineD]

I'm with the others. A drip-drip-drip approach is not the way to go. Because when she finds out, she will know that you have lied.

Also, the trickle-at-a-time approach seems cowardly to me. Just take your courage into your hands and tell her the truth!

[Marianne S]

Well, Trax, I'm glad you're listening! I have two comments to offer: one including some humor, the second one entirely serious.

First, with regard to what some have called the "drip-drip-drip" approach, this kind of "cautious exploration" of a partner's attitude to crossdressing can be advantageous up to a point--but with one major caveat. Namely, it's crucial to take note of the feedback you're getting! To keep yourself safe from rejection, it can be important to "test the waters" before plunging in with a "confession"--but the whole point of doing so is to register whether the waters are warm or cold!

On that topic I have two contrasting experiences to offer. Long ago I had a girlfriend who, as I learned over time, seemed to have a horror of anything "unmasculine" in a man. The clues that led me to that conclusion I've described elsewhere on this board, but it became apparent to me that I dare not even "dip my toes into the water" on such a matter as crossdressing. One memory coming back to me that I hadn't mentioned before was the two identical sweaters we bought on a vacation, in the same size. These sweaters of course were totally "unisex," and any man or woman would look good in them. I felt it was an attractively romantic notion that we couldn't tell which was which, and there was a delicious intimacy to sharing each other's clothes. She didn't agree, and insisted on marking her own sweater with red thread so that she could tell which was "hers" and which was "mine."

I have no doubt that if she'd ever seen me crossdressed--let alone in her clothes!--she would have gone shrieking up the wall in hysterics! There were other, more weighty reasons of compatibility why I split from her--it wasn't just because I knew she would never accept "Marianne"--but we have to read the obvious clues that female partners are dropping about their differing attitudes toward crossdressing.

My experience with my own (sadly late) wife was totally opposite, and I was able to discreetly "play dress-up" with her to begin with. I was lucky to have chosen the "right" woman, for far more reasons than just her acceptance of crossdressing. But again, the whole point here was that my "exploration" of dressing in her clothes--though always with her consent and with her present--met with only positive feedback. It was just "fun."

Now here comes the humor! She had a pair of light blue stretchy pull-on pants with an elastic waist that I wore for fun, But I had to ask her "Which way round do you wear these? They look the same forward and back." She replied "The tag inside goes to the back"--as indeed it usually does with clothes. I immediately examined the tag in question. Would you believe, what it said was "FRONT"! She herself had been wearing them the "wrong way round" all this time!

But to get serious again, you're getting negative feedback instead. As subtle as it may be, "Just don't get too carried away" sounds ominously like a "shot across the bows." At minimum it's an expression of concern about where you're going with this. You can't afford to say "Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!" That may have worked for Admiral David Farragut, but it won't work for you. You're likely to get blown out of the water.

Now here's my second point--which I've never personally noticed being addressed here before, though it may be vital:

Beware of the creeping/incremental reveal approach. At some point it will likely become more obvious to your wife than you imagine, and she will fill in any gaps with ideas from her imagination. That may not be to your advantage.

I'm grateful to Kim for raising this point. I'm sure it can be very true. There is widespread ignorance about the nature and implications of crossdressing. You do not want your wife to start suspecting things about you that she then blows way out of proportion in her own mind. Or worse still, goes running for "advice" to some ignorant female "friend" with "issues" of her own who fills your wife's mind with the worst possible fears. Some women can be toxic to other women's marriages.

I was just reading on this very board the tragic story of a silly woman who's throwing up an otherwise happy and mutually supportive marriage of thirty years to a good man, because recent events gave her the stupid idea that he "only married her to cover up his (supposed) 'homosexuality.'" What a load of trash she has in her head! And what a needless waste of a good marriage! But what I'm wondering is who put this destructive notion into her mind in the first place! She should have known better after thirty years of marriage. It wouldn't surprise me if there was some obnoxious female "friend" she confided in, and that was the "advice" she got.

You don't want your wife to become "Ethel the Unraed," so to speak; the "ill-advised." You can't afford to let her ideas be poisoned in default by all the rubbish that comes in from the ignorant outside world about crossdressing. As a properly informed and educated person, and knowing yourself also, you may need to keep control of the garbage that might be polluting your wife's mind, undermining your relationship with her, and counter it with authentic facts.

Ultimately the only way to do that is by being honest with her, by revealing those parts of your personality that do not, however, contradict in any way your value to her as a man, or your love for her. You need to make sure that you, not some random outsiders, remain her primary source of information about crossdressing and its significance. But I'm sure it's hard to do that without "coming clean" with her. So if you've aroused her suspicions, you may need to take the bull by the horns and tell her at some point, to forestall anything worse from happening that might jeopardize your marriage.

[DianeT]

Marianne, in one line you quote Kim about wives filling blanks themselves with negative things when the husband doesn't tell it all, and the next you wonder how another poster's wife could get all these negative ideas about her husband who also doesn't tell it all. So, which is it?
The only "toxic" thing are the lies.

[Marianne S]

Diane, there is no contradiction here. If a husband doesn't "tell it all," his wife's head may end up filled with trash, whether it originates from her own ignorance or from ignorant people outside feeding her bad, toxic disinformation.

It is at least understandable and forgivable that a crossdresser would withhold the truth about himself from his wife, for fear of upsetting her and destroying their valuable relationship. Even if it's bad policy that backfires. at least he's trying to preserve their marriage. People from outside who feed disinformation that would destroy a marriage are toxic. The second sin is worse than the first, in my view.

[DianeT]

Many here will disagree with the "understandable" and "forgivable" nature of the lie of a crossdressing husband to his wife. As for me I can understand it, because that's what I sadly did to my wife, but to say that it is forgivable is certainly not for me to say. That will be my wife's decision.

[Marianne S]

I'm very sorry to hear that, Diane. I hope you don't beat yourself up about it. Guilt is corrosive.

[DianeT]

I feel like we're hacking Frax's thread a bit, so apologies to her, but at the same time we are discussing the issue at hand, the lying.
I am not beating myself up, just acknowledging the damage I have done to my wife by taking away some important choices in her life with the hiding of my crossdressing, and trying to make it up to her, as she was the one wronged, not me. Guilt can be deadly indeed if it consumes you, but otherwise it is a very healthy sentiment if it allows you to avoid repeating past mistakes. I think it is very hard to put ourselves in the shoes of our wives, imagine what they're going through when their crossdressing husband comes out or is abruptly discovered. It's not just imagining the opposite situation, like our wife could wear a moustache and a tux. No, we really need to imagine being a woman, with a woman's education and values and assigned social role, seeing her husband presenting as a woman, wanting to look or be like it. Imagining being lied to, not being trusted, disrespected, for years. Imagine the fear of abandon if the husband is gay or on a path to transitioning. The angst of being replaced as the woman in the couple by something you don't grasp and can't compete with. It is very hard to imagine the trauma that can cause. Nonetheless, I try, and invite all the CDers who lied to their wife like I did, to try too. If you can just get a glimpse of it, you will realize how much love they have for you when they do their best to sort things out, whether they succeed or fail, because it is their right to fail. But they deserve not to be lied to anymore. Whether you want to do that or not is your own choice to make.

[Judy-Somthing]

I tried hinting for years to let my wife I cross-dressed but, it never went well!
I was able to dress up on a bunch of Halloweens which was so cool!
Three years ago I told her I liked to dress and things went bad, so I went back into the CLOSET!
Not proud but, I think I need this.

[Brandi Christine]

. If you can just get a glimpse of it, you will realize how much love they have for you when they do their best to sort things out, whether they succeed or fail, because it is their right to fail. But they deserve not to be lied to anymore. Whether you want to do that or not is your own choice to make.

I can tell you that having come out to my wife, I told her all of it, it is very very difficult, and we have some very trying days. But I agree 100% with the statement above, I did not realize how much love this woman I married, my Wife, had for me until I told her...

[Chloe_S]

Just be frank with her, ?You?re my wife and I don?t want to keep secrets from you. I thought you should know that I have a desire to wear women?s clothes. ?

Never never never....

assume she feels a certain way without her having expressly told you so.

Secretly buy feminine things and hide them

Wear her things without asking first


Check out these guidelines on non violent communication. It emphasizes listening, empathy, and respect. It could help in this conversation.

https://www.nonviolentcommunication....on/4-part-nvc/


Also, put yourself in her shoes, metaphorically of course. Imagine her telling you she doesn?t want to look like s female at times and wants to look like a man. Loose drab clothing, flat chest, short hair... imagine your beautiful wife like that. How does it make you feel? Now hold onto that as you discuss this with her.

Good luck.