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Thread: Living Alone

  1. #1
    Junior Member Val_Blackbird's Avatar
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    Question Living Alone

    Hi, all.

    Hopefully without getting into a discussion about my manhood or lack thereof, I wanted to talk about some things that have been on my mind recently. I don't know if this is weird or normal or some convolution of each.

    Despite being middle-aged, I just recently began the "adventure" of living alone, this due to the passing of a parent. I won't even begin to claim to be used to it - I'm not - but I've been making my way. Over the last couple of years, since embracing my crossdressing, but back when I thought I had more than a decade before I'd be by myself, I had thoughts that when my family obligations were over, I would probably spend most of my home time fem. Actually, I even considered moving to a more CD-friendly city and basically just letting the mood of the day determine my presentation. That's not financially feasible, as of now.

    Well, the family obligations ended rather unexpectedly several months ago, and actually I've been CDing less, which I am a little surprised by. The first couple of months, I can understand, under the circumstances, but since I've come to terms with the situation, I would have expected more. I'm sure part of it is environmental. Again, not as CD-friendly a town as people think, and wearing multiple layers of padding and shapewear is a bit hard when the A/C doesn't work and it's 95 F in the house. So, that's a factor.

    Working from home - which they say is a permanent thing going forward, regardless of world events - has had almost the opposite effect for me than it seems it has for others. I don't get into girl mode for work, in large part because I don't want to get up early. But, there's been times when I wanted to wear one of my nightgowns to bed, and I've thought: 'I need to work in the morning. Better not.' I can't begin to understand why I think like that. They can't see me, especially when I first wake up (admittedly, that's about ten minutes before I clock in).* I'm not on camera, most of the time, and I'm under no obligation to be when I am. So, yeah, I don't get myself here.

    But, to get back to just being at home by myself, before my situation changed, which happened literally days before the all the COVID shutdowns, I used to get into girl mode at least once, often twice a week. Usually, this was to head to a bar for live entertainment. That part has, obviously, been on hold for the last several months. I got a notification that the live shows are starting back up on Friday, albeit in a different fashion, and I plan to attend, barring something preventing me. But, even with nothing aside from temperature (really) stopping me from hanging around the house fem, that once, twice a week has dropped to maybe once every two or three weeks, perhaps. That's just shy of 180 opposite what I thought I'd be doing. Not sure what the reason for that is, as I have less stopping me now than I ever have.

    Has anyone else experienced anything like this? Am I even making any sense? Should I even be thinking about this? If I sound whiny, apologies. It's just stuff that's been on my mind the last week or so.

    Thanks.

    *At least, I don't think they can. I do have a webcam on the company computer, but I can unplug it, if I choose. I only use it for meetings, and not even all of them. So, it really gets used like twice a week. Never know what the security team is doing, but I would hope they aren't spying on me at home. I guess there's nothing stopping them, though. I just assume they aren't and cross my fingers.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Jean 103's Avatar
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    I wouldn't worry about it. If you feel like it than dress if not don't.

    Everyone is different, I would be more concerned about how you feel in general. Regardless to dressing.

    As a CD, it is completely up to you.

    With me not so much. I only do guy mode at work. It I go out after work to do anything and I'm not in girl mode it will drive me nuts.

    As I said everyone is different.

    And sorry for your loss.

  3. #3
    Weirdest woman ever! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    I don't know about u, Val? But, my days of throwing on a few girlie things while hanging out at home r WAY behind me!

    Now, it's dress to the 9's or nothing!

    But, all the work to get ready just ain't worth it unless I've got a photo shoot or bar/club date with T friends!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  4. #4
    Silver Member
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    The great thing is, if you don't feel like dressing... you don't have to! If you are not up to it, you don't have to do it.

    With two concurrent national emergencies and a second great depression going on for over 7 months with no end in sight to anything, dressing has been a non-issue for me for months. I have radically bigger things to worry about now.

  5. #5
    Gold Member Helen_Highwater's Avatar
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    Val,

    You've undergone the loss of a dear one, a traumatic event in anyone's life, a side effect of which is the change in routine. Add to that the effect of a switch to a new work environment and it'sunderstandablethat life takes on a new hue. It takes time to find that new equilibrium, establish a new routine but it will come.

    As someone who worked from home for many years and dressed most days while sat at the PC it was rare for me to fully dress up. Usually it would be a dress or skirt and top, bra, knickers and forms. Very, very occasionally I'd put on makeup but I treated it more as what a GG might do in the same situation. I suspect very few would be dressed in their finest office wear so I didn't feel the need to either.

    Give yourself time, you'll find your way.

  6. #6
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Val,
    Quite a lot going on here , maybe still grieving for your loss isn't helping .

    As for your dressing , I feel you need to make some decisions but first try and answer what drives it , do you feel it's not much more of a hobby or do you feel you have dysphoria ?

    I also feel you're making too much of it , if you choose to do it on a more regular basis you need to refine it , make it more natural , do you really need that quantity of makeup and does you shape really need all that padding ? Maybe do some serious people watching and see how little effort some women make and yet still look feminine , also note the variation in size and shape and how they deal with it . Lets not forget many women don't like aspects of themselves but they don't have choice . I often think about that aspect , people may take a second glance at you not because you look bad but in fact look good .

    I agree lockdown has created problems , I miss going out freely and just being with people , we just have to be patient and try and stay safe .
    Last edited by Teresa; 10-08-2020 at 05:58 AM.
    The real me ,no going back.

  7. #7
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    Val, so sorry for your loss. Grief takes many different forms and evolves over time. Give yourself a break and allow it to progress. The fact is your life is different now and those changes take time to adapt to. Also remember there isn?t any standard for CDing you have to meet. No one is counting how often you dress or how detailed it is. You are not alone, so don?t be afraid to reach out to family, friends, or strangers on a chat board to talk, vent, or just openly mourn your loss.

    I?ll be thinking if you.

  8. #8
    Member DianeT's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Val_Blackbird View Post
    Never know what the security team is doing, but I would hope they aren't spying on me at home. I guess there's nothing stopping them, though. I just assume they aren't and cross my fingers.
    Just put a piece of post-it over it or one of these plastic shutters sold everywhere. Even if your camera is hacked, nothing will come through.

  9. #9
    There's that smile! CarlaWestin's Avatar
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    When you said Las Vegas wasn't exactly CD friendly, I initially thought you meant socially. Then you reminded me of the heat. It's been into triple digits since like May.
    And like yourself, I've not had a place to go for employment since March. Although CDing is a passion, unless you're gender dysphoric, non CDing is a bit of a comfort zone.
    I once heard a woman say, "Well, that was a total waste of makeup!" I've found that having plenty of Carla time can become almost too much. And the challenge of serious life events
    always puts the CD thing on the back burner. Nothing wrong, just life adjustments. BTW, my Carla activity truly helps define and appreciate my maleness.
    I've waited so long for this time. Makeup is so frustrating. Shaking hands and I look so old. This was a mistake.
    My new maid's outfit is cute. Sure fits tight.
    And then I step into the bedroom and in the mirror, I see a beautiful woman looking back at me.
    Smile, Honey! You look fabulous!

  10. #10
    Senior Member Pumped's Avatar
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    We all dress for various reasons. Your lack of desire might be related to your family situation that has changed. Some people dress because of stress, some dress because there is no stress. I wouldn't be concerned. About the time you think you are not going to dress anymore it all comes roaring back and you want to wear it all!

    I dress to some degree most every evening. Last night it was black stretch jeans, a black no sleeve turtle neck and black pumps with a 4" heels. Fairly endogenous. My wife got ready for bed early as she was whipped from the day and at 9PM I was dragging out the hip and butt pads, a body shaper, 40H bra and forms, hosiery, high heels and one of my bodycon dresses. My wife happened to walk by and noticed and commented that it was a lot of work to be dressed for a short time, but I just felt the desire that was not there a couple hours before.

  11. #11
    Junior Member Val_Blackbird's Avatar
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    Just wanted to say thanks.

  12. #12
    Senior Member Princess29's Avatar
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    After living with my parents my entire life and dressing up every chance I had as (I couldn't do it when I wanted so that seemed to make me want to do it more), I moved into my own place and am coming up to 12 years of living there on my own. I can dress how I like, when I like but I usually don't bother getting dressed up just to sit around at home and there isn't really anywhere worth going out and I don't want to go by myself and have nobody to go with (and this all pre-dates the Covid situation) plus getting past my neighbours (I live in an apartment block and can't get to my car without going past at least 2 apartments). I think I went a few years without dressing up at all at one stage.
    Val, get through this awful year first and then go wherever your heart or mind tells you to go

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