Hi, all.

Hopefully without getting into a discussion about my manhood or lack thereof, I wanted to talk about some things that have been on my mind recently. I don't know if this is weird or normal or some convolution of each.

Despite being middle-aged, I just recently began the "adventure" of living alone, this due to the passing of a parent. I won't even begin to claim to be used to it - I'm not - but I've been making my way. Over the last couple of years, since embracing my crossdressing, but back when I thought I had more than a decade before I'd be by myself, I had thoughts that when my family obligations were over, I would probably spend most of my home time fem. Actually, I even considered moving to a more CD-friendly city and basically just letting the mood of the day determine my presentation. That's not financially feasible, as of now.

Well, the family obligations ended rather unexpectedly several months ago, and actually I've been CDing less, which I am a little surprised by. The first couple of months, I can understand, under the circumstances, but since I've come to terms with the situation, I would have expected more. I'm sure part of it is environmental. Again, not as CD-friendly a town as people think, and wearing multiple layers of padding and shapewear is a bit hard when the A/C doesn't work and it's 95 F in the house. So, that's a factor.

Working from home - which they say is a permanent thing going forward, regardless of world events - has had almost the opposite effect for me than it seems it has for others. I don't get into girl mode for work, in large part because I don't want to get up early. But, there's been times when I wanted to wear one of my nightgowns to bed, and I've thought: 'I need to work in the morning. Better not.' I can't begin to understand why I think like that. They can't see me, especially when I first wake up (admittedly, that's about ten minutes before I clock in).* I'm not on camera, most of the time, and I'm under no obligation to be when I am. So, yeah, I don't get myself here.

But, to get back to just being at home by myself, before my situation changed, which happened literally days before the all the COVID shutdowns, I used to get into girl mode at least once, often twice a week. Usually, this was to head to a bar for live entertainment. That part has, obviously, been on hold for the last several months. I got a notification that the live shows are starting back up on Friday, albeit in a different fashion, and I plan to attend, barring something preventing me. But, even with nothing aside from temperature (really) stopping me from hanging around the house fem, that once, twice a week has dropped to maybe once every two or three weeks, perhaps. That's just shy of 180 opposite what I thought I'd be doing. Not sure what the reason for that is, as I have less stopping me now than I ever have.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this? Am I even making any sense? Should I even be thinking about this? If I sound whiny, apologies. It's just stuff that's been on my mind the last week or so.

Thanks.

*At least, I don't think they can. I do have a webcam on the company computer, but I can unplug it, if I choose. I only use it for meetings, and not even all of them. So, it really gets used like twice a week. Never know what the security team is doing, but I would hope they aren't spying on me at home. I guess there's nothing stopping them, though. I just assume they aren't and cross my fingers.