When the walls came tumbling down...

[CD Rachel]

This past January I traveled for work as I often do, and I decided to take my secret desire to the next level. I purchased an estrogen product with the idea that it would lead to feminizing my body. When I returned home my wife discovered the product and confronted me. She was angry and very upset. She told me she did not know who I was. Unfortunately I was home for less then a week and had to travel again for work. We agreed to seek marriage counseling when I came back.


While I was away again I promised myself to tell her the truth about everything and swore off of the pornography and cross-dresseing. After being away for 4 weeks I returned home on March 12 2020.

My wife and I went to see a Christian counselor on March 16 and I admitted to her all about the pornography and my desires to be more feminine. Unbeknownst to me she had searched my laptop and discovered browsing records and photos that I thought were deleted and knew about my pornography and desire to move further in changing myself. So after my full confession she told me either I had to get out of the house tomorrow or she will. So on March 17 I packed up what I could and moved out.


We have now been separated for almost 7 months.

I had been seeing the christian counselor for the last 6 months. I purged all of my cross dressing items and porn items. During this 6 month period I struggled to not view pornography or to cross-dress. But I have failed to maintain myself on both counts. I feel helpless, hopeless, and worthless. A hell of a combination. I feel torn between two worlds One world that I would chose and the other that I can not seem to escape from.


I hurt the one that I loved and there is no hell greater then seeing the hate and contempt in her eyes that once quietly spoke love to me louder then any words ever could. I seriously considered suicide. I made plans for it. If not for my daughter I feel that I would have actually done it. I know that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I expect that some day I will be happy again. I wish it could be with my wife.


Ultimately I still love my wife and desire to be with her. I do not know for sure if she would have me back no matter what I do. But I do not truly know myself where I stand on the idea of transitioning myself. I need to decide what I want and or need and only then could I in fairness ask her to forgive me for my deceptions and let her decide if I am someone that she can still love and be with.


Ray