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Thread: When the walls came tumbling down...

  1. #1
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    When the walls came tumbling down...

    This past January I traveled for work as I often do, and I decided to take my secret desire to the next level. I purchased an estrogen product with the idea that it would lead to feminizing my body. When I returned home my wife discovered the product and confronted me. She was angry and very upset. She told me she did not know who I was. Unfortunately I was home for less then a week and had to travel again for work. We agreed to seek marriage counseling when I came back.


    While I was away again I promised myself to tell her the truth about everything and swore off of the pornography and cross-dresseing. After being away for 4 weeks I returned home on March 12 2020.

    My wife and I went to see a Christian counselor on March 16 and I admitted to her all about the pornography and my desires to be more feminine. Unbeknownst to me she had searched my laptop and discovered browsing records and photos that I thought were deleted and knew about my pornography and desire to move further in changing myself. So after my full confession she told me either I had to get out of the house tomorrow or she will. So on March 17 I packed up what I could and moved out.


    We have now been separated for almost 7 months.

    I had been seeing the christian counselor for the last 6 months. I purged all of my cross dressing items and porn items. During this 6 month period I struggled to not view pornography or to cross-dress. But I have failed to maintain myself on both counts. I feel helpless, hopeless, and worthless. A hell of a combination. I feel torn between two worlds One world that I would chose and the other that I can not seem to escape from.


    I hurt the one that I loved and there is no hell greater then seeing the hate and contempt in her eyes that once quietly spoke love to me louder then any words ever could. I seriously considered suicide. I made plans for it. If not for my daughter I feel that I would have actually done it. I know that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I expect that some day I will be happy again. I wish it could be with my wife.


    Ultimately I still love my wife and desire to be with her. I do not know for sure if she would have me back no matter what I do. But I do not truly know myself where I stand on the idea of transitioning myself. I need to decide what I want and or need and only then could I in fairness ask her to forgive me for my deceptions and let her decide if I am someone that she can still love and be with.


    Ray
    Last edited by char GG; 10-11-2020 at 11:27 PM. Reason: Sorry, no religion

  2. #2
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    First of all, you are right to recognize that you need sort things out before you can ask your wife to let you back into her life.
    Find a qualified counselor, or two. Your sex addiction and your gender issues are two very different things and the current approach is clearly not working. I suspect your current counselor is qualified to deal effectively with neither issue.

  3. #3
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    Sorry that you are going through this, Rachel. I hope the two of you can work things out and I wish you all the best.

  4. #4
    Rachel Rachelakld's Avatar
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    life is a journey and some relationships are just ships passing in the night (regardless of what we WANT).
    Counselors talk a lot, but if you really want to experience sex as a female, maybe find a nice gay club, that way you can test if that sort of sexual relationship is right for you.
    I'm planning on re-experiencing motorbike riding - it might kill me on day 1, day 10 or maybe never, but life should be about experiences.
    With experience, we can better decide what we want and what we don't want, it creates growth.

    So what am I trying to say, instead of suppressing everything, how about trying to be 100% involved for a while and see if it's right for you.

    BTW, wife and kids always think my advice is crap
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  5. #5
    Girl about Town Jodie_Lynn's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CD Rachel View Post

    Ultimately I still love my wife and desire to be with her. I do not know for sure if she would have me back no matter what I do. But I do not truly know myself where I stand on the idea of transitioning myself. I need to decide what I want and or need and only then could I in fairness ask her to forgive me for my deceptions and let her decide if I am someone that she can still love and be with.


    Ray
    You have a choice to make. Either sacrifice what makes you happy to appease your wife; or, sacrifice your wife for what makes you happy.

    If you have concealed these desires from your spouse, ESPECIALLY the concept of altering your body, you have already discarded her trust in you. Crossdressing is one issue, pornography addiction is another, and transition to the opposite gender is lightyears apart from the other two!

    You have, through your actions, shown her that you are NOT the person she vowed to spend her life with. What, in God's green Earth, do you think you can do to atone for this in her eyes?
    Before you can love another, you must first like yourself

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  6. #6
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    There are no easy answers here. I'm indulging myself with crossdressing and occasionally with pornography.. BOTH of which offer comfort to me and neither of which I characterize as addictive. Honestly, I've never been able to sustain an intimate relationship. My needs were not of the sort that would make relationship easy. I don't interpret that as evidence I need to transition. For me that is another fantasy I'm not willing to pursue. I don't know what is true for you... but you have a daughter and, in my opinion, it would be good to do whatever you can to sustain THAT relationship. I think the suggestion you should talk with a therapist is a good one, but I definitely wouldn't frame this as an issue of gender dysphoria. Yes, that may be at play here but it is possible other things are involved. Again... there are no easy answers here.
    We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time...
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  7. #7
    Member MonicaPVD's Avatar
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    Sorry that you are going through this very difficult time. Your wife has reason to freak out but this isn't about her now. This is about you taking the time and care to sort out what it is you really want and where you see yourself taking this five years down the road. If you don't figure that out first, you will only continue to lie to her and, more importantly, to yourself. Then no one will be happy. Everyone will be miserable. Best of luck.

  8. #8
    Member DianeT's Avatar
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    Rachel, like others said. Although the pornography would deserve a closer look (as if it is linked to a female body identification then it seems to me that it takes the matter more to the side of fantasy rather than of a deep-rooted gender dysphoria, supposing that persons experiencing gender dysphoria aren't particularly aroused by the feeling), I would probably leave it out for now, as it seems quite anecdotal compared to the two other problems, and concentrate on the lies and the transitioning.
    When you can see better where you're headed to, sit down again with your wife, tell the whole story without leaving out any details, and don't make promises you won't keep. Good luck to you all.
    Last edited by DianeT; 10-12-2020 at 07:39 AM. Reason: Choice of words

  9. #9
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Rachel,
    I'm always saddened by this type of thread , why does marriage mean you cease to be a person with your own rights and often just become a possession . No denying you have your problems to sort out but you are entitled to your privacy , your wife had no right to search your personal computer . Also being kicked out of a family home should have been open to discussion and not accepted as the done deed !

    I admit I went through a stage when I nearly ended my life but mine wasn't planned or premeditated , the fact you were planning or considered it was a cry for help so please keep going with professional help , life is too short and believe me your life is more important despite how you feel right now .

    Even if you still love your wife , the damage is now done , she has lost the faith in you and possibly the love for you . You daughter is your lifeline please accept the help she offers , I owe so much to my daughter despite the heated battles she had with my wife .

    Yes you can be happy again , I'm happier than I've been in along time , so hang in there and believe it can get better .
    Last edited by Teresa; 10-12-2020 at 07:54 AM.
    The real me ,no going back.

  10. #10
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    Regarding porn, your addiction, compulsion, desire , insert your own word, can be managed with or without therapy. Remember its takes some people years to get over smoking, drugs food, etc.

    Depending on why you think you cross dress, it may or may not be something you can or even want to control. But it may take time at best.

    Body modification with estrogen. That's a big one for a wife. Again, maybe you can determine you really dont want to do that anymore.

    That one is going to be tough for the wife.

  11. #11
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    Hello and thank you for your input.

    I have moved on to new counselor. This one is secular and claims to have experience in relationship issues as well as LGBT and addictions. So far we have met three times and she is just catching up on the whole story. She feels that I should not be repressing my TG and cross dressing feelings as it is adding to my anxiety and depression. This in turn pushes me to my feel good drug of choice… pornography. I need to find better outlets and focus on more productive actions then the pornography. This is not an excuse for my actions just a part of the greater issue.

    Rachel

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    Thank you for your kind thoughts and well wishes. At this point in my life they means more to me then you may ever know.

    Rachel

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    Quote Originally Posted by Rachelakld View Post
    life is a journey and some relationships are just ships passing in the night (regardless of what we WANT).
    Counselors talk a lot, but if you really want to experience sex as a female, maybe find a nice gay club, that way you can test if that sort of sexual relationship is right for you.
    I have considered getting out in the company of like minded people but the covid situation has put a damper on meetups and the bar scene. I have no idea how to even start exploring this side of me.

    Rachel

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    Jodie_Lynn

    I have been with my wife for 32 years, and yes I have destroyed what trust she had in me. I have struggled with the pornography and cross dressing the entire time. I think that the cross dressing and the gender dysphasia are certainly related issues.
    As I said in my opening post, “I feel torn between two worlds. One world that I would choose and the other that I can not seem to escape from.” If there were a magic doorway that allowed me to have both worlds I would choose it. If I could find a way to sacrifice the desires that I have and just live a normal life with her I would. I have tried countless times and yes even though counseling in the past to overcome my issues, and I always end up a failure.
    I can never change what I did in the past. I can only go forward and try to be a better person today and tomorrow.

    Rachel

  12. #12
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    Just my 2 cents. If you wish to ever get back together with your wife, please reconsider thinking/doing meeting up with men (even after Covid) for a fantasy relationship. For many wives, that would be a definite hard limit.

    Of course, if you are contemplating continuing on the course that you have been on and remain free of a relationship with your wife, you can do whatever you want.

  13. #13
    Member DianeT's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Teresa View Post
    No denying you have your problems to sort out but you are entitled to your privacy , your wife had no right to search your personal computer .
    I guess she will stop snooping when she has reasons to think that her spouse isn't lying anymore about life-changing subjects. Until then, she is just doing what a good many people (count me in) would be doing in that same situation.

    Quote Originally Posted by Teresa View Post
    Even if you still love your wife , the damage is now done , she has lost the faith in you and possibly the love for you .
    Rachel, if you don't want to even try to save your marriage, please listen to Teresa's expert advices. Results guaranteed.

  14. #14
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Diane,
    I'm not sure how to take your comment , if you're suggesting I selfishly brought my marriage to an end you are so wrong . Most people wish to retain a long established marriage but at what cost ? My wife and I mutually agreed that separation was the best course of action for everyone concerned , we were considering each other and our children and grandchildren , as it turns out it is proving the right decision . I'm not suggesting it's right for everyone but the world doesn't end at that point , life goes on , my wife is now happier my children now see me as Teresa . The alternative would have been more disasterous , lying , deceit , guilt ,shame and sham love , that's no basis for a marriage .
    The real me ,no going back.

  15. #15
    Weirdest woman ever! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    Rachel, I think u r looking at this wrongly. Your separation and living on your own is an opportunity!

    For the first time in your life u have a chance to explore yourself freely and fully! First off, other than the issues with your wife, your dressing and porn do not affect or harm anyone other than u. Unless u r skipping work or your other responsibilities because of your porn and/or dressing "addictons", if they may be called that, what harm do they do? Other than to make u feel guilty and remorseful?

    Imagine how much more u would enjoy your life if u could simply accept that u were trans and enjoyed porn? I think there r many things u have to think over and discuss with your counselor! I can see u being a very different, happy trans person in a couple of years if u work a few things out!

    I'm sorry about your wife. I've been there! Was disconsolate for 2 years after my divorce. But, I got over it and moved on with my life. As have Teresa and countless others here. And, so CAN U!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  16. #16
    Silver Member Devi SM's Avatar
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    Rachel, I think you post your thread in the wrong section. As I said in other thread, here you will hear just from crossdressers, comments for people just like you and many already destroyed their marriages because of short sight didn't have the opportunity to see other ways and just chose their "right to happiness ", other opinions will come from guys that prefer to live lying life because love their wives.

    I can see myself, some years ago, in your story. I came out my wife with my truth of being bisexual and cdossdresser. In that moment I didn't know the truth but very similarities ( I was Christian pastor) so sin, guilty, shame and all those horrible feelings almost took me to kill myself but just for the sake of my wife I didn't do it. Btw, the rate of suicide between transpeople was over 40 % and no, is not a solution.

    Today we keep happily living together with my wife, I'm a transwoman. I can't give you details here, if you want PM me and I gladly answer any of your questions.

    Your current therapist is more open to help you to find your way and not necessarily will give you options or answers but help you to deal with all those negative feelings to be able to see your truth and a good way of living in truth, transparency and free of all those horrible feelings as embarrassment and guilty, just to mention some.

    Your wife desicion of kick you out of the house wasn't very wise but is what society taught her and is not necessarily what she really wanted to do but just have in mind, while you can, that women don't reasoning but feel, then, after the reasoning will come and may be now she's thinking about it but you must show her your love and be patience while you find yourself.
    Last edited by char GG; 10-12-2020 at 02:51 PM. Reason: Religion comments not allowed
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  17. #17
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    I concur with what Aunt Kelly advised. Competent counseling is essential to addressing what appears to be in part a sex addition. In that respect, your experience (not all that different from my own) illustrates the damage that a pornography addiction can inflict on a relationship. It is common define addiction as compulsive behavior that leads harmful outcomes, whether physical, emotional, financial or in ability to maintain relationships. This situation seems to fit that definition quite well.

    I do not claim that there is a causal relationship between cross dressing and porn addition...maybe its only a coincidental correlation. Either way, as you continue with counseling, perhaps you can focus first on addressing the addictive behavior. If you can bring that under control, then its possible that you can assess your interests in cross dressing and making body changes with greater clarity and certainty.

    Christian or otherwise, I hope your counselor has the attitudes, qualifications and experience necessary to deal with both addictive behaviors and gender identity. If not, you may be better served by someone else.
    Last edited by kimdl93; 10-12-2020 at 12:49 PM.

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  18. #18
    Member DianeT's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Teresa View Post
    Diane,
    I'm not sure how to take your comment , if you're suggesting I selfishly brought my marriage to an end you are so wrong .
    I don't, Teresa. I just observe that anytime a marriage is jeopardized, your first and only advice is to end it. I don't understand why in your view of things the wife should always be the culprit and the marriage doomed.

  19. #19
    happy to be her Sarah Charles's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Aunt Kelly View Post
    First of all, you are right to recognize that you need sort things out before you can ask your wife to let you back into her life.
    Find a qualified counselor, or two. Your sex addiction and your gender issues are two very different things and the current approach is clearly not working. I suspect your current counselor is qualified to deal effectively with neither issue.
    My thoughts exactly.
    Last edited by char GG; 10-12-2020 at 03:00 PM. Reason: Religion not allowed
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  20. #20
    Accepting GG Dutchess's Avatar
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    That porn is a snake , Its awful and has torn up so many people .

    Trans porn was the primary motivator behind my ex husband dressing and why we are not together anymore . Many many dressers look at it and in my case it was eventually used in my place . After years of looking at it he began to believe he looked like that or WANTED to look like that .
    When he came here to the states away from his family , it progressed to men phoning his messenger and he was meeting up with folks and placing ads showing himself to other men all over facebook and CL , it was horrible and yes disgusting and is no reason to transition , I know a few who went that route , the porn made them feel like they were something they weren't .

    To say I hate him is an understatement. I have not told many here but his family recently messaged me asking if Id seen him which I have not but did search his femme name on facebook and there he was all 56 years of him in yet another motel room , looking like someone in mortuary make up, grossly fishing for men like him , posed in ghastly ways dressed in a spandex top and queen of hearts leggings .

    Not a good look and not a good life .. You need a regular mainstream counselor that deals in reality .
    Last edited by Dutchess; 10-13-2020 at 10:22 AM.
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  21. #21
    Super Moderator char GG's Avatar
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    Mod Note:

    Please note the following rule:

    The following content is NOT allowed ANYWHERE on the forum and will be deleted.

    ....
    Religion of any sort, no exceptions
    I have edited and deleted several comments in this thread about religion. Anymore comments, the entire post will be deleted (not edited).

  22. #22
    Silver Member Devi SM's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dutchess View Post
    That porn is a snake , Its awful and has torn up so many people .

    This was the primary motivator behind my ex husband dressing and why we are not together anymore , he also had men phoning his messenger and he was meeting up with folks and placing ads showing himself to other men all over facebook and CL , it was horrible and yes disgusting and is no reason to transition , I know a few who went that route , the porn made them feel like they were something they weren't .

    To say I hate him is an understatement. You need a regular mainstream counselor that deals in reality .
    I agree with you on the damaging porn can be but for women is real hard to understand how man's mind works and crossdressing is very often related with sex. I was a crossdresser and thought be bisexual. Today I don't feel proud of the things I did with men while crossdressing and it took several sessions of therapy to understand the difference between gender and sex but men normally related both things together, women too, so for a man looking to express his femininity, the best way is to submit to a man that would make him feel as a woman, as porn videos show a woman must act in the mind of man that is normally controlled by testosterone.

    It was after several months under HRT that i start seeing the light and differentiate sex from gender and to understand that to be a woman not necessarily means to be "used" for a man, even to dress pass to a second or lower place of priorities.

    Today I explain that all promiscuous sexual activity I was engaged at was just an expression of the search of identity as many teenager girls do believing that having sex will make them more woman.

    So in the search of the female identity, men controlled for testosterone, fall in porn and believe that this search is an addiction, no is not an addiction but just a release valve of something different is happening in their minds.

    mho,

    Devi
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  23. #23
    Weirdest woman ever! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    Duchess and Devi, I'm truly sorry for the troubles you've experienced. But, u shouldn't blame them on porn!

    Pornography is simply photos or videos. Men use them to become aroused for sex. Usually with their partners or themselves. I know because got into it after a split up with my ex.
    But, if a person goes out to act wanton or ****ty, that's NOT porn and I don't think u shouldn't blame their actions on porn.

    In my case, I had just lost my wife and porn helped my rebuild a badly damaged libido. I, and most porn addicts, don't go out to perform what we've seen with real people. It simply makes us want to see more porn. Which is the real danger! If u have a partner, u may become more interested in videos and self sex than sex with your partner! This isn't a trans/CD issue. It's a male issue!

    But, porn's bad enuff. Don't blame it for things it doesn't do. It's like excusing someone for murder because another told them to do it.

    In my case, after a number of years I started dating again. Then, Sherry and CDing came into my life!
    I lost all interest in porn many years ago. Sherry's fantasy life is WAY MORE interesting and exciting!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  24. #24
    Member Miel GG's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Devi SM View Post
    Your wife desicion of kick you out of the house wasn't very wise but is what society taught her and is not necessarily what she really wanted to do but just have in mind, while you can, that women don't reasoning but feel, then, after the reasoning will come and may be now she's thinking about it but you must show her your love and be patience while you find yourself.
    No no no Devi, you cannot seriously say such a thing : 'that women don't reasoning but feel, then, after the reasoning will come' ! Women have a brain too and trust me we are perfectly able to analyze a situation, thanks.
    And what about the typical man who will punch someone before even trying to discuss ? No, really, men aren't emotional creatures a nice example of putting reason first !
    Last edited by Miel GG; 10-12-2020 at 05:12 PM.

  25. #25
    Aspiring Member TheHiddenMe's Avatar
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    Right now, you aren't in good working order, so before you can reestablish some type of relationship with your wife you need to put yourself in good working order.

    Working with a secular therapist who deals with gender issues is a positive first step.

    Most men look at porn (so do a lot of women). Sexuality is part of all of us, and the kazillion dollars spent on porn proves how popular it is. Watching porn is NOT the problem. Watching porn to the detriment of the rest of your life is. Same with dressing; dressing so often that it causes detriment to the rest of your life is the issue.

    Once you are in good working order--more or less, you like yourself--then you can move on and try to mend fences with your wife. Given what you have said about her upbringing, I am doubtful of her coming around to the new you. Given you say your urges have lasted your 32 years of marriage--and no doubt years before you were married--I am guessing that coming to peace with your urges (i.e, accepting them), will not go down well with your wife. But suppressing them hasn't worked for the last 30+ years, has it?

    P.S. for another poster: The suicide rate for transpeople is nowhere near 40%, and to believe so is silly.
    Last edited by TheHiddenMe; 10-12-2020 at 04:48 PM.

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