When the walls came tumbling down...

[CD Rachel]

This past January I traveled for work as I often do, and I decided to take my secret desire to the next level. I purchased an estrogen product with the idea that it would lead to feminizing my body. When I returned home my wife discovered the product and confronted me. She was angry and very upset. She told me she did not know who I was. Unfortunately I was home for less then a week and had to travel again for work. We agreed to seek marriage counseling when I came back.


While I was away again I promised myself to tell her the truth about everything and swore off of the pornography and cross-dresseing. After being away for 4 weeks I returned home on March 12 2020.

My wife and I went to see a Christian counselor on March 16 and I admitted to her all about the pornography and my desires to be more feminine. Unbeknownst to me she had searched my laptop and discovered browsing records and photos that I thought were deleted and knew about my pornography and desire to move further in changing myself. So after my full confession she told me either I had to get out of the house tomorrow or she will. So on March 17 I packed up what I could and moved out.


We have now been separated for almost 7 months.

I had been seeing the christian counselor for the last 6 months. I purged all of my cross dressing items and porn items. During this 6 month period I struggled to not view pornography or to cross-dress. But I have failed to maintain myself on both counts. I feel helpless, hopeless, and worthless. A hell of a combination. I feel torn between two worlds One world that I would chose and the other that I can not seem to escape from.


I hurt the one that I loved and there is no hell greater then seeing the hate and contempt in her eyes that once quietly spoke love to me louder then any words ever could. I seriously considered suicide. I made plans for it. If not for my daughter I feel that I would have actually done it. I know that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I expect that some day I will be happy again. I wish it could be with my wife.


Ultimately I still love my wife and desire to be with her. I do not know for sure if she would have me back no matter what I do. But I do not truly know myself where I stand on the idea of transitioning myself. I need to decide what I want and or need and only then could I in fairness ask her to forgive me for my deceptions and let her decide if I am someone that she can still love and be with.


Ray

[Aunt Kelly]

First of all, you are right to recognize that you need sort things out before you can ask your wife to let you back into her life.
Find a qualified counselor, or two. Your sex addiction and your gender issues are two very different things and the current approach is clearly not working. I suspect your current counselor is qualified to deal effectively with neither issue.

[CD Rachel]

Hello and thank you for your input.

I have moved on to new counselor. This one is secular and claims to have experience in relationship issues as well as LGBT and addictions. So far we have met three times and she is just catching up on the whole story. She feels that I should not be repressing my TG and cross dressing feelings as it is adding to my anxiety and depression. This in turn pushes me to my feel good drug of choice… pornography. I need to find better outlets and focus on more productive actions then the pornography. This is not an excuse for my actions just a part of the greater issue.

Rachel

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Thank you for your kind thoughts and well wishes. At this point in my life they means more to me then you may ever know.

Rachel

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life is a journey and some relationships are just ships passing in the night (regardless of what we WANT).
Counselors talk a lot, but if you really want to experience sex as a female, maybe find a nice gay club, that way you can test if that sort of sexual relationship is right for you.

I have considered getting out in the company of like minded people but the covid situation has put a damper on meetups and the bar scene. I have no idea how to even start exploring this side of me.

Rachel

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Jodie_Lynn

I have been with my wife for 32 years, and yes I have destroyed what trust she had in me. I have struggled with the pornography and cross dressing the entire time. I think that the cross dressing and the gender dysphasia are certainly related issues.
As I said in my opening post, “I feel torn between two worlds. One world that I would choose and the other that I can not seem to escape from.” If there were a magic doorway that allowed me to have both worlds I would choose it. If I could find a way to sacrifice the desires that I have and just live a normal life with her I would. I have tried countless times and yes even though counseling in the past to overcome my issues, and I always end up a failure.
I can never change what I did in the past. I can only go forward and try to be a better person today and tomorrow.

Rachel

[Sarah Doepner]

First of all, you are right to recognize that you need sort things out before you can ask your wife to let you back into her life.
Find a qualified counselor, or two. Your sex addiction and your gender issues are two very different things and the current approach is clearly not working. I suspect your current counselor is qualified to deal effectively with neither issue.

My thoughts exactly.

[Dutchess]

That porn is a snake , Its awful and has torn up so many people .

Trans porn was the primary motivator behind my ex husband dressing and why we are not together anymore . Many many dressers look at it and in my case it was eventually used in my place . After years of looking at it he began to believe he looked like that or WANTED to look like that .
When he came here to the states away from his family , it progressed to men phoning his messenger and he was meeting up with folks and placing ads showing himself to other men all over facebook and CL , it was horrible and yes disgusting and is no reason to transition , I know a few who went that route , the porn made them feel like they were something they weren't .

To say I hate him is an understatement. I have not told many here but his family recently messaged me asking if Id seen him which I have not but did search his femme name on facebook and there he was all 56 years of him in yet another motel room , looking like someone in mortuary make up, grossly fishing for men like him , posed in ghastly ways dressed in a spandex top and queen of hearts leggings .

Not a good look and not a good life .. You need a regular mainstream counselor that deals in reality .

[Devi SM]

That porn is a snake , Its awful and has torn up so many people .

This was the primary motivator behind my ex husband dressing and why we are not together anymore , he also had men phoning his messenger and he was meeting up with folks and placing ads showing himself to other men all over facebook and CL , it was horrible and yes disgusting and is no reason to transition , I know a few who went that route , the porn made them feel like they were something they weren't .

To say I hate him is an understatement. You need a regular mainstream counselor that deals in reality .

I agree with you on the damaging porn can be but for women is real hard to understand how man's mind works and crossdressing is very often related with sex. I was a crossdresser and thought be bisexual. Today I don't feel proud of the things I did with men while crossdressing and it took several sessions of therapy to understand the difference between gender and sex but men normally related both things together, women too, so for a man looking to express his femininity, the best way is to submit to a man that would make him feel as a woman, as porn videos show a woman must act in the mind of man that is normally controlled by testosterone.

It was after several months under HRT that i start seeing the light and differentiate sex from gender and to understand that to be a woman not necessarily means to be "used" for a man, even to dress pass to a second or lower place of priorities.

Today I explain that all promiscuous sexual activity I was engaged at was just an expression of the search of identity as many teenager girls do believing that having sex will make them more woman.

So in the search of the female identity, men controlled for testosterone, fall in porn and believe that this search is an addiction, no is not an addiction but just a release valve of something different is happening in their minds.

mho,

Devi

[docrobbysherry]

Duchess and Devi, I'm truly sorry for the troubles you've experienced. But, u shouldn't blame them on porn!

Pornography is simply photos or videos. Men use them to become aroused for sex. Usually with their partners or themselves. I know because got into it after a split up with my ex.
But, if a person goes out to act wanton or ****ty, that's NOT porn and I don't think u shouldn't blame their actions on porn.

In my case, I had just lost my wife and porn helped my rebuild a badly damaged libido. I, and most porn addicts, don't go out to perform what we've seen with real people. It simply makes us want to see more porn. Which is the real danger! If u have a partner, u may become more interested in videos and self sex than sex with your partner! This isn't a trans/CD issue. It's a male issue!

But, porn's bad enuff. Don't blame it for things it doesn't do. It's like excusing someone for murder because another told them to do it.

In my case, after a number of years I started dating again. Then, Sherry and CDing came into my life!
I lost all interest in porn many years ago. Sherry's fantasy life is WAY MORE interesting and exciting!

[Brandi Christine]

My two cents in this (not sure in my present situation that I should be giving them) is to be careful of the therapist you choose. Maybe find a regular (non-trans issue specialist but also non religious) therapist first and go from there. Deal with the porn & crossdressing, understanding the crossdressing will most likely never go away. Then if it is still needed look into the transitioning issue.

I chose a therapist who specialized in trans issues and I think the current trend towards affirming that what you do is OK whatever you do despite the consequences is not necessarily a good thing. I went from questioning whether I was trans to believing I was and wanting to do it in a matter of months, my therapist was supportive of me doing things that put my marriage in jeopardy, and had I not had an epiphany that I needed to slow down, tell my wife and look at where I was going objectively I would be regretting my life right now, badly. I was unable to see my therapist for six months due to covid, and I think that was a good thing, I'm not saying I didn't dress during this time, but I was more thoughtful about its effect on my wife & marriage, on me... Once I got above the "fog" I had a better view.

Listen to the Duchess, I don't know her, but it appears she knows me...

Not a good look and not a good life .. You need a regular mainstream counselor that deals in reality .

I will most likely crossdress for the rest of my life, I plan to be married to the woman I am married to right now for the rest of my life too. It may be a lot of work, and it is hard, but it is worth it in my book...

[Debs]

Rachel, the only way is up from now on, dont look back or regret (it changes nothing), and why a counselor ?, who cares you look at photos and dress, youve nobody to answer to now. Get on with it girl and enjoy.

[char GG]

Sorry that you are going through this, Rachel. I hope the two of you can work things out and I wish you all the best.

[Rachelakld]

life is a journey and some relationships are just ships passing in the night (regardless of what we WANT).
Counselors talk a lot, but if you really want to experience sex as a female, maybe find a nice gay club, that way you can test if that sort of sexual relationship is right for you.
I'm planning on re-experiencing motorbike riding - it might kill me on day 1, day 10 or maybe never, but life should be about experiences.
With experience, we can better decide what we want and what we don't want, it creates growth.

So what am I trying to say, instead of suppressing everything, how about trying to be 100% involved for a while and see if it's right for you.

BTW, wife and kids always think my advice is crap

[Jodie_Lynn]

Ultimately I still love my wife and desire to be with her. I do not know for sure if she would have me back no matter what I do. But I do not truly know myself where I stand on the idea of transitioning myself. I need to decide what I want and or need and only then could I in fairness ask her to forgive me for my deceptions and let her decide if I am someone that she can still love and be with.


Ray

You have a choice to make. Either sacrifice what makes you happy to appease your wife; or, sacrifice your wife for what makes you happy.

If you have concealed these desires from your spouse, ESPECIALLY the concept of altering your body, you have already discarded her trust in you. Crossdressing is one issue, pornography addiction is another, and transition to the opposite gender is lightyears apart from the other two!

You have, through your actions, shown her that you are NOT the person she vowed to spend her life with. What, in God's green Earth, do you think you can do to atone for this in her eyes?

[Visitor]

There are no easy answers here. I'm indulging myself with crossdressing and occasionally with pornography.. BOTH of which offer comfort to me and neither of which I characterize as addictive. Honestly, I've never been able to sustain an intimate relationship. My needs were not of the sort that would make relationship easy. I don't interpret that as evidence I need to transition. For me that is another fantasy I'm not willing to pursue. I don't know what is true for you... but you have a daughter and, in my opinion, it would be good to do whatever you can to sustain THAT relationship. I think the suggestion you should talk with a therapist is a good one, but I definitely wouldn't frame this as an issue of gender dysphoria. Yes, that may be at play here but it is possible other things are involved. Again... there are no easy answers here.

[MonicaPVD]

Sorry that you are going through this very difficult time. Your wife has reason to freak out but this isn't about her now. This is about you taking the time and care to sort out what it is you really want and where you see yourself taking this five years down the road. If you don't figure that out first, you will only continue to lie to her and, more importantly, to yourself. Then no one will be happy. Everyone will be miserable. Best of luck.

[DianeT]

Rachel, like others said. Although the pornography would deserve a closer look (as if it is linked to a female body identification then it seems to me that it takes the matter more to the side of fantasy rather than of a deep-rooted gender dysphoria, supposing that persons experiencing gender dysphoria aren't particularly aroused by the feeling), I would probably leave it out for now, as it seems quite anecdotal compared to the two other problems, and concentrate on the lies and the transitioning.
When you can see better where you're headed to, sit down again with your wife, tell the whole story without leaving out any details, and don't make promises you won't keep. Good luck to you all.

[Teresa]

Rachel,
I'm always saddened by this type of thread , why does marriage mean you cease to be a person with your own rights and often just become a possession . No denying you have your problems to sort out but you are entitled to your privacy , your wife had no right to search your personal computer . Also being kicked out of a family home should have been open to discussion and not accepted as the done deed !

I admit I went through a stage when I nearly ended my life but mine wasn't planned or premeditated , the fact you were planning or considered it was a cry for help so please keep going with professional help , life is too short and believe me your life is more important despite how you feel right now .

Even if you still love your wife , the damage is now done , she has lost the faith in you and possibly the love for you . You daughter is your lifeline please accept the help she offers , I owe so much to my daughter despite the heated battles she had with my wife .

Yes you can be happy again , I'm happier than I've been in along time , so hang in there and believe it can get better .

[Paulie Birmingham]

Regarding porn, your addiction, compulsion, desire , insert your own word, can be managed with or without therapy. Remember its takes some people years to get over smoking, drugs food, etc.

Depending on why you think you cross dress, it may or may not be something you can or even want to control. But it may take time at best.

Body modification with estrogen. That's a big one for a wife. Again, maybe you can determine you really dont want to do that anymore.

That one is going to be tough for the wife.

[char GG]

Just my 2 cents. If you wish to ever get back together with your wife, please reconsider thinking/doing meeting up with men (even after Covid) for a fantasy relationship. For many wives, that would be a definite hard limit.

Of course, if you are contemplating continuing on the course that you have been on and remain free of a relationship with your wife, you can do whatever you want.

[CD Rachel]

Just my 2 cents. If you wish to ever get back together with your wife, please reconsider thinking/doing meeting up with men (even after Covid) for a fantasy relationship. For many wives, that would be a definite hard limit.

Of course, if you are contemplating continuing on the course that you have been on and remain free of a relationship with your wife, you can do whatever you want.

Char GG,

Thank you for the advice. I was not looking to hook up, just to meet others who struggle with the same issues that I do. I intend to remain faithful in deed up until there is no longer any chance of reconciliation. I do not know who i am supposed to be right now. I just hope that who ever I am when I come out the other side of all of this is someone who she can still love.

Ray

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I had a good session today with my new counselor. I am ready to stop the denial and work on finding out who I really am. Maybe I will still have a wife at the end of all of the searching or maybe I will not. I am not perfect and I made many mistakes. My mistakes have hurt her and our relationship. There is still no finality to our separation. But after 7 months she will still not even touch me or agree to seek marriage counseling.

My wife and I still see each other every week. She purchased her own house but she did not perform due diligence and as a result is stuck with a house that needs a lot of work. I have offered to help her with her house and have been working every weekend for the past 2.5 months on repairing, updating and even just plain old cleaning and painting trying to make the place livable. When she asked my why I do all of this even though she had thrown me out and separated all of our things, I told her it is because I love her. How could I stand idly by and do nothing when the person that I love can be helped by my actions.

[Stephanie47]

Last year you made several posts/comments that your wife had made room in the closet for your fem wardrobe. You told her you did not have enough to fill the space, and, she encouraged you to head off to the internet and you bought some dresses. Unless she was leading you on it did sound encouraging.

My personal view is your porn addiction blew up your marriage. There is porn, and them again, there is porn. Yes, there are couples you enjoy porn together. Then, there is porn most women feel degrades women. If I have to guess, if a wife knows little about cross dressing, and, then she finds trannie porn, it's not going to work out well.

I agree with others here, you definitely need to figure out who you are. That may not bode well for reconciling with your wife. The only suggestion I have is to eventually have your wife meet with your counselor to explain what she (the counselor) can make of you. Perhaps, porn, addiction or not, is nothing more than fantasy. Usually people who act out their fantasies find the experience unrewarding and a disappointment.

The fact you are repairing your wife's domicile means all bridges have not blown up. If she was so adverse to your cross dressing I doubt she would have made room in the closet for your dresses, nor encouraged you to buy more.

[CD Rachel]

My personal view is your porn addiction blew up your marriage.

Stephanie, I think that you are right that she was fine with the cross dressing but I must have crossed the line when i was trying to go on estrogen especially without discussing this with her first. I think the pornography just reinforced the sense of betrayal. She believes that i have been having physical relations with other men. Nothing I say to her can change her mind on this. She also accused me of having been deceiving her about this for the past 32 years. That I somehow came up with this plan to get her to marry me so that I could hide my homosexuality behind our marriage.

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By now, you’ve certainly gotten a broad spectrum of advice.

It is like following a trail and finding pearls of wisdom strewn about. I am free to chose what pearls to keep and what pearls to leave behind. But i do appreciate that so much experience and wisdom has been cast along my trail. I thanks everyone of you who has taken the time to offer your advice.

[Jodie_Lynn]

She believes that i have been having physical relations with other men. Nothing I say to her can change her mind on this. She also accused me of having been deceiving her about this for the past 32 years. That I somehow came up with this plan to get her to marry me so that I could hide my homosexuality behind our marriage.

And you are confused about her reaction? You've concealed your attempts to alter your body, your crossdressing, and your pornography addiction. Why should she believe anything you say?

[DianeT]

No denying you have your problems to sort out but you are entitled to your privacy , your wife had no right to search your personal computer .

I guess she will stop snooping when she has reasons to think that her spouse isn't lying anymore about life-changing subjects. Until then, she is just doing what a good many people (count me in) would be doing in that same situation.

Even if you still love your wife , the damage is now done , she has lost the faith in you and possibly the love for you .

Rachel, if you don't want to even try to save your marriage, please listen to Teresa's expert advices. Results guaranteed.

[Teresa]

Diane,
I'm not sure how to take your comment , if you're suggesting I selfishly brought my marriage to an end you are so wrong . Most people wish to retain a long established marriage but at what cost ? My wife and I mutually agreed that separation was the best course of action for everyone concerned , we were considering each other and our children and grandchildren , as it turns out it is proving the right decision . I'm not suggesting it's right for everyone but the world doesn't end at that point , life goes on , my wife is now happier my children now see me as Teresa . The alternative would have been more disasterous , lying , deceit , guilt ,shame and sham love , that's no basis for a marriage .

[docrobbysherry]

Rachel, I think u r looking at this wrongly. Your separation and living on your own is an opportunity!

For the first time in your life u have a chance to explore yourself freely and fully! First off, other than the issues with your wife, your dressing and porn do not affect or harm anyone other than u. Unless u r skipping work or your other responsibilities because of your porn and/or dressing "addictons", if they may be called that, what harm do they do? Other than to make u feel guilty and remorseful?

Imagine how much more u would enjoy your life if u could simply accept that u were trans and enjoyed porn? I think there r many things u have to think over and discuss with your counselor! I can see u being a very different, happy trans person in a couple of years if u work a few things out!

I'm sorry about your wife. I've been there! Was disconsolate for 2 years after my divorce. But, I got over it and moved on with my life. As have Teresa and countless others here. And, so CAN U!