I have been working hard to just let myself be a woman [social definition- not biological] and follow my inner impulses. As many of you know, I gave up on trying to look female and just look as feminine as a 70 yr old male can. But- I feel it as much as any teen girl or mature woman, and so I discovered at several points how I started to feel restricted as a woman, in sort of a reverse of being restricted as a man. The gender norms are kind of a division of labor and sets of privileges, and it is an uneasy bargain that males tend to get the better deal with and keep women down.

So when a female woman sees me verging into her area of society by wearing 'women's" clothes that are nice and having a day out, I am clearly playing dressup and cherry picking the presumed 'best of times-. But they understand just how much more there is to being a woman, from their own biology [ok- I said social definition- but most people, like my wife, still feel their biology and their norms are linked], to the work involved in dressing up and grooming for performing 'woman's day out' , and it is meant to be their assigned reward- something they rarely actually get to do, and it is meant to counter the suppression and burdens they have had since being little girls and told they can't climb trees or get muddy or whatever. I sometimes think that the attention getting for looking good is meant to be intense, so it can counter a lot of less good experiences we also lay on them- like not taking their opinions seriously.

So I am specially appreciative of the generous spirit of females who are willing to support me in my foray into these pleasures- knowing that I am a tourist in a way. I do think some feel that my freedom means they are also now free to be perfectly expansive around me- that I won't be enforcing norms on them. It is a break from the guarded tension they feel around men who are either bullies or predatory. At the same time, they no longer see me displaying cave man signals so they aren't sure of my status as protector until I signal it in conversation.

My wife says she feels I am competing with her, and that is an example of the backstory behind what we see. Females learn to wear skirts and dresses as a way of showcasing their prowess as females, to each other and to men. But when they see me, it is a little awkward bc I am now behind the curtain- and their first thought is who am I competing with them for? The male lesbian concept is not one that comes to mind except for bi women.

I feel that women who want to be more liberated are generally tolerant. After all it is still a drag show in their eyes, but not campy or exaggerated, so kind of a social protest. More young women are actively appreciative, I think bc they still believe life is supposed to be good for us all, and free thinking appeals.

So many others seem to feel that life is just hard enough and my protest is pointless, I think. They have found a way to live with the imposed 'natural order' and would just as soon I did too.

Does anyone else see these same dynamics? How has it played out in your SOs acceptance or lack of acceptance?

But my main point is that so much of the tension over going out is founded in deep social bargains.