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Thread: love hate

  1. #1
    Dreaming is half the fun.
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    love hate

    So, I rellay love to crosssdress, then I hate it, want to give it iup , then I want to embrace it, then....... want to be ......... normal, and happy, then, my world just come crusing donw, on me.......

  2. #2
    Connie Connie D50's Avatar
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    Been there done that, If you haven't already talked to a professional you should it could help, hard to handle it by yourself.

  3. #3
    Gold Member Helen_Highwater's Avatar
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    Alma,

    The usual culprit is shame from reading the posts on the forum. Have you figured out what it is that drives your mood swings?
    Who dares wears Get in, get out without being noticed

  4. #4
    Aspiring Member GretchenM's Avatar
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    Like Connie, been there, done that. I call it rapid cycling dysphoria. You seem to be like a bouncing ball in a closed room that can't stop bouncing. Eight years ago I went through a really severe case of that right after I came out with the Big Reveal. As Helen says, shame plays a big part in it all because most of us have had to deal with that hidden shame for decades and it becomes a more or less permanent pattern in our thinking about our sense of self. You can't bury it no matter how much sand you throw on top of it. But there are a number of other things that are involved and many of those things come from your personal experiences in the course of your life that have had a big influence on your personal definition of who you are. Undoubtedly, some of those things are at great odds with the expectations others have for us. Those things just produce more conflict which provides the energy to keep the ball bouncing around in the room.

    These are all things that are exceedingly difficult to solve yourself because you are the one afflicted with this pattern which in turn is cemented to some degree in your thinking. The problem patterns the solution to the problem. It is sort of like your car engine trying to change its own spark plugs to see if that is why it is not feeling or running smoothly. If that doesn't work then your engine tries something else. Meanwhile the poor running just gets more deeply set. It can become a downward spiral. Sometimes it is really hard to fix yourself when the problem is a part of "Yourself." You need someone outside of you to help you find a path. And I suspect that is why you posted this issue you have. Admitting there is a difficulty if half of the solution. You did yourself a favor by opening up to us.

    I agree with Helen. I think you need to find a therapist to help guide you out of this pattern. To help you turn off the cycle and find a more straight pathway. And because it involves gender identity in some way it would be pointless to see a therapist and not reveal all the facts about how you think of yourself. The most important thing about therapy is to not hold anything back. If the therapist doesn't see the whole picture of YOU it is hard for them to help guide your thinking to find your way out of the cycle. A personal therapist would be good, but perhaps a gender therapist that does not focus on transition as the answer to all gender problems would maybe be better. But they are hard to find. Seeing a therapist soon is more important than being choosy about what they specialize in. You can always change if the two of you don't relate real well.

    And ALWAYS REMEMBER, we are here to provide some support.

  5. #5
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    You are normal. Yes, you are. When it comes to gender identity and behavior, "normal" is a spectrum. We are decidedly different from most, but so are redheads, and southpaws. The sooner you recognize and embrace that truth, and stop seeing yourself as abnormal, the happier you will be.
    "Being honest may not get you a lot of friends, but it will always get you the right ones."
    -- John Lennon

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  6. #6
    Silver Member darla_g's Avatar
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    I think its my wife that keeps me grounded. She recognizes the need for me to dress when the opportunity presents and she is a willing accomplice. She buys me stuff occasionally. We go to Ulta and she asks me if there is anything i need.

    The biggest problem we have that i fully acknowledge is i have too much stuff and storage is an issue.

  7. #7
    Exploring NEPA now Cheryl T's Avatar
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    Such a very common experience.
    We love it and can't wait for those moments when we can dress, then when it's over the guilt and shame set in and we vow to stop. Sometimes a purge is part of it. Then we're fine for a while until the feeling returns (as it always does) and it's "well it's just a pair of panties (or pantyhose, or shoes, or whatever)" and then we're off again in that cycle.
    For me the way to eliminate all that was to finally be able to accept myself, to accept that there is nothing "wrong" with me or what I do. Once I was able to love myself as a woman and realize this is part of me and not something that I just do then I was able to put all those ugly feelings aside and just be me.
    Wear what makes you feel Confident !

  8. #8
    Member MaryAnn1963's Avatar
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    In my humble opinion...the "love it" is the healthy part... you love who your mind says you REALLY are and feel more complete and at ease with yourself. The "hate is" where you know you don't fit into what society says you are supposed to be and so you try to conform and be a good boy like all the other good boys. But, that is not who you are, so starts the struggle of good vs evil.. good boy vs evil non conforming crossdresser. Acceptance seems to be the first step toward happiness. I accepted that I did not fit into the cookie cutter mold that the world I grew up in had for me... then comes the journey of finding the balance, the Yin and Yang. That is where I'm at right now, searching for the balance of my femininity and my masculinity. Occasionally I find myself slipping toward the love/hate, but, a good long day shopping en femme usually gets me back on track.
    The Pink Fog is thick with this one....

  9. #9
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    Welcome to the club. Decades ago my mind was in a flux. Yes, the love-hate-self loathing mentality. Decades ago it probably would have been useful for me to see a therapist. There was always two issues; reconciling myself and dealing with relationships, i.e., my wife. I muddled through it alone. I am very comfortable with myself now, but it took awhile to get there.

  10. #10
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Almalove,
    I'm so glad those two little voices sitting on either shoulder have now gone . The need to dress gives you a high and then the guilt and shame some feel drops you in a low .

    Ask yourself the question , " If I could dress freely when I chose how different would I feel ? " Hating it is down to social pressures telling you it's wrong , at some point you have to rid yourself of those negative thoughts , they build up and can become a serious problem .
    Last edited by Teresa; 10-21-2020 at 05:28 AM.
    The real me ,no going back.

  11. #11
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    almalove

    I know exactly how you feel and have been struggling with this over the past 6 months. I am finally trying to come to terms with accepting myself for who i am. Now I am setting out to try and discover just who am I?

    I am amazed by this forum and all of the compassionate responses that are given when one of us comes here and offers up our suffering. What a marvelous group that inhabits this space.

    Rachel

  12. #12
    Silver Member Sometimes Steffi's Avatar
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    I had a big problem with guilt and shame. I went to therapy and got pretty much cured. I love and accept myselves, even if my wife doesn't. It also helped that I found a large, like-minded social group so I can go out in kind of a TG cocoon. Not only am I accepted by my "partners in crime", but I've had so many wonderful experiences with GG normals and only a few scary experiences with GM normals.

    Umm, yees, I got hit on a few times by cis males, once or twice by cis females and twice by MtF trans females. Since I'm attracted to both cis and trans females, getting hit on by cis females is the ultimate empowering experience.
    Hi, I'm Steffi and I'm a crossdresser... And I accept and celebrate both sides of me. Or, maybe I'm gender fluid.

    Gender fluid (adj.) - Describes a person whose gender identity is not fixed. A person who is gender fluid may always feel like a mix of the two traditional genders, but may feel [more] like one gender some days, and [more like] another gender other days.

    Ref: https://www.lgbthealtheducation.org/wp-content/uploads/LGBT-Glossary_March2016.pdf

  13. #13
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    Long long time since I felt that way, but oh boy did that used to be my way back in the teenage years especially, it is a tough thing to deal with but here I am thought the other side and happy in my crossdressing skin, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, you just need to find your way to love yourself

  14. #14
    Dreaming is half the fun.
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    Quote Originally Posted by GretchenM View Post
    Like Connie, been there, done that. I call it rapid cycling dysphoria. You seem to be like a bouncing ball in a closed room that can't stop bouncing. Eight years ago I went through a really severe case of that right after I came out with the Big Reveal. As Helen says, shame plays a big part in it all because most of us have had to deal with that hidden shame for decades and it becomes a more or less permanent pattern in our thinking about our sense of self. You can't bury it no matter how much sand you throw on top of it. But there are a number of other things that are involved and many of those things come from your personal experiences in the course of your life that have had a big influence on your personal definition of who you are. Undoubtedly, some of those things are at great odds with the expectations others have for us. Those things just produce more conflict which provides the energy to keep the ball bouncing around in the room.

    These are all things that are exceedingly difficult to solve yourself because you are the one afflicted with this pattern which in turn is cemented to some degree in your thinking. The problem patterns the solution to the problem. It is sort of like your car engine trying to change its own spark plugs to see if that is why it is not feeling or running smoothly. If that doesn't work then your engine tries something else. Meanwhile the poor running just gets more deeply set. It can become a downward spiral. Sometimes it is really hard to fix yourself when the problem is a part of "Yourself." You need someone outside of you to help you find a path. And I suspect that is why you posted this issue you have. Admitting there is a difficulty if half of the solution. You did yourself a favor by opening up to us.

    I agree with Helen. I think you need to find a therapist to help guide you out of this pattern. To help you turn off the cycle and find a more straight pathway. And because it involves gender identity in some way it would be pointless to see a therapist and not reveal all the facts about how you think of yourself. The most important thing about therapy is to not hold anything back. If the therapist doesn't see the whole picture of YOU it is hard for them to help guide your thinking to find your way out of the cycle. A personal therapist would be good, but perhaps a gender therapist that does not focus on transition as the answer to all gender problems would maybe be better. But they are hard to find. Seeing a therapist soon is more important than being choosy about what they specialize in. You can always change if the two of you don't relate real well.

    And ALWAYS REMEMBER, we are here to provide some support.
    thanks so much, I'm a mess, inside, outside I seem in control and an model man, inside I'm screaming at myself, yet holding it together work wise, but some times, I just drive myself crazy,

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    Quote Originally Posted by CD Rachel View Post
    almalove

    I know exactly how you feel and have been struggling with this over the past 6 months. I am finally trying to come to terms with accepting myself for who i am. Now I am setting out to try and discover just who am I?

    I am amazed by this forum and all of the compassionate responses that are given when one of us comes here and offers up our suffering. What a marvelous group that inhabits this space.

    Rachel
    thanks so much.

  15. #15
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    Hi Alma , Just enjoy having the best of both worlds, >Orchid .oOOo.
    Having my ears triple pierced is AWESOME, ~~......

    I can explain it to you, But I can't comprehend it for you !

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  16. #16
    Member Chloe_S's Avatar
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    Sadly, pretty normal. You have to ask yourself why you hate it, and where do those feelings come from. Its often perceived societal expectations. You have to learn to love yourself as both people and then try and get past what you think others think of you.

  17. #17
    Member Star01's Avatar
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    I think hate goes a bit too far for me but I?d be lying if I said that I am totally accepting of it. I can?t dress at home except for panties in secret and we?re six months into a situation that limits my opportunities even further. I have been going to therapy for about that same amount of time and even our sessions have gravitated away from crossdressing.

    A family shared lake home allowed an opportunity to get away for a couple days or stay home alone. Now that place is going to change hands and be off limits for our get aways. This all left me at a crossroad. Either I accept my limitations and live with the frustration or I confront my wife and demand my freedom to dress.

    I have chosen to deal with my frustration and not risk ending a 50 year marriage. When the circumstances and alternatives are so drastic it?s hard not to have negative feelings about this ?curse? that has been bestowed upon me.

    The annoying thing is that although the urges have subsided they will be triggered again and I will be climbing the walls again wanting to dress.

  18. #18
    Member rhonda's Avatar
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    Hi Almalove Hang in there , if someone could figure it out they would be worth their weight in gold looks like a lot of us been there done that and or are doing it now . I know one thing in can be costly if you purge and start over , I know I've said " dog gone it " more than once Rhonda

  19. #19
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    I appreciate conversations like this because it means I'm not out on some fringe all by myself. When folks are simply celebrating this behavior I wonder what is wrong with me that it has brought so much shame along the way. Yes, it is wonderful to find acceptance, but it strikes me it is worth at least looking to see what might be going on. I know there is nothing I can do to change the past but understanding that this and other behaviors were my honest responses to conditions in my life helps mitigate the shame. Mitigating the shame doesn't erase the wish to engage the behavior however and doing battle with myself over it hardly seems like acceptance. No doubt, there are serious consequences attendant to crossdressing. They are examined on this website over and over again. Do you tell your partner? Do you tell your children, your friends? Do you dress at work, in the community... how far do you go? Our NEED to dress is not met with universal acceptance, so we have choices to make.

    Honestly, there is no answer to the question whether we should stop or continue. We each have to make our own calculation... a sort of cost/benefit analysis. If dressing simply doesn't work for a variety of reasons, it would make sense to do some serious unpacking of what the behavior is all about. That doesn't mean talking to a gender therapist, but an old fashioned therapist who won't try to convince you the solution is to transition. If dressing does work in the context of your life and the specter of shame keeps darkening your days, then working with self-compassion and self-acceptance is in order. There is NOTHING inherently shameful about what we do, even if the world doesn't understand and often cringes. I recently told four women friends about all of this and three were quite easy with it. The fourth became very quiet. I reached out to her today to check in and she doesn't feel ready to talk with me. I don't know what is happening for her. All I could do was offer to talk with her about it when she's ready. I know she loves me as a dear friend, so I don't expect she'll reject me... but her attitude toward me might change. I can't do anything about that because I shared what is a truth for me at this time in my life. I have no intention of indulging shame any longer. I deserve better than that, and so does every person visiting this website.
    Last edited by Visitor; 10-21-2020 at 05:33 PM.
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