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  1. #1
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    What do you get out of it?

    I got this question from my wife last night. After years of DADT we are trying to be more open and honest about it. She is trying to be accepting but it is a big challenge for her.

    I know this forum has been asked MANY times “why” we do it. Nature, nurture, etc. but I think this is a slightly different question. Like how does it make your life better.

    I really struggled answering what I get out of it. “Enjoyment” fell totally flat.

    Admittedly, I’m not the best communicator.

    I love cross dressing, I get a lot of enjoyment from it, but I’m still struggling in “what I get out of it”... other than causing hardship on my wife and keeping secrets from everyone else.

    What do you get out of it?
    Last edited by Michelle Vinova; 10-23-2020 at 05:42 PM.

  2. #2
    New Member Breeheels's Avatar
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    To feel right. To feel good, I am hypertactile due to my autism and the sexy things I wear feel all that much better. Its calming for me. its a bit naughty and a bit of a thrill. Especially when a female co worker comments on my chest that I must be getting in good shape when its actually just a bra. Ide be lying if I didnt say at times its a sexual thrill. Especially when it turns on my GF

  3. #3
    Gold Member Lana Mae's Avatar
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    I am 24/7 transwoman but crossdressing keeps the dysphoria away! Crossdressing helped me determine that I am a transwoman! YMMV, but that is what it did for me! We are not all the same and you must determine your own "Why?" or "What?"! Hugs Lana Mae
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  4. #4
    Senior Member TheHiddenMe's Avatar
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    Satisfaction?

    I haven't figured out the why, but when I was young I wanted to try on a dress. I was jealous of the boys who got to dress as girls on Halloween (I still am).

    I enjoy the look and feel of women's clothes and shoes. I love trying on clothes and seeing how I look in them. I can try on something formal and transport myself mentally to attending a Christmas party in the beautiful dress I'm trying on. I like to see my image in a mirror. I like that I've made women friends who like to see me dressed.

    I compete in shorter triathlons and running races up to half-marathons. The races are never "fun" because I am pushing myself to my physical limits. But I get an immense amount of satisfaction once I am done, especially if I've achieved a good time. It's the payoff for all the hard work I do to get to the finish line.

    Getting dressed--and anticipating the next time I get to dress--gives me the same sort of satisfaction. It's just part of whom I am.

  5. #5
    Member Brandi Christine's Avatar
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    I get a feeling of rightness, fulfillment, excitement, calmness, lots of sexuality, and the comfort of seeing that pretty face in the mirror smiling at me.

    But that also comes with:
    ambivalence
    fear
    unhappiness
    rejection
    guilt
    shame
    remorse
    ...Damsel in distress.
    Not exactly natural, Stunning none the less...

    (As Girls Go by Suzanne Vega)

  6. #6
    Gold Member Alice Torn's Avatar
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    Brandi.. You said it for me too.

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    Elizabeth, So true. I just has to be kept secret, from work or business . Very few friends will accept it or keep it secret.

  7. #7
    Silver Member Pumped's Avatar
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    I don't get the "secrets from everyone" part. Do you tell all your friends everything you and your wife do in the privacy of your home? IMO, secrets have nothing to do with it. You don't tell the guys at work about the latest sex-capades with your wife, in great detail to the buddies at work do you? Do you discuss family issues to random acquaintances? I hope not. Some things you just don't talk about.

    Hardship to your wife, I can't help, my wife is accepting, but it was a long road to get where we are now.

    What do I get out of dressing? Though to explain, but comfort, a feeling of inner peace, and sometimes just happiness, goofing off with some crazy outfit.

  8. #8
    Silver Member Micki_Finn's Avatar
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    Attention, adoration, and money! Of course the disclaimer here is that I?m a Drag Queen, so I don?t know how applicable this is to your own life. The rush from performing is incredible and it?s soooo much fun! Then having people coming up to you afterwards and telling you how fabulous you look and how amazing that outfit you made is, that?s the best.

    To put it another way, I get in drag for basically the same reason women wear wedding dresses instead of getting married in jeans and t-shirts. It?s all about looking and feeling glamorous.

    I understand why ?enjoyment? is too vague an answer for your wife. ?Enjoyment? can be anything from what I described to ?self pleasure? in a dark room.

  9. #9
    Junior Member Val_Blackbird's Avatar
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    I could be horribly mistaken about this, but I think I look younger and more visually satisfying in fem mode. So, warranted or not, there's a slight confidence boost, I think. I have noticed, when I was going to the live shows at the bar, I tended to be a bit more vocal and willing to interact with others than my natural state. Perhaps there is also a bit of escapism. I don't have to be "me" for a while; I can be someone else who's allowed to wear 5-inch heels and painted nails. And, somewhat going back to aesthetics, I'm not the really short guy in the room / crowd. I'm the somewhat short girl, kinda.

    I'll admit to being a little turned on also, but nothing inappropriate, just slightly. Sorry if I shouldn't say that.
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  10. #10
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    I get to look like on the outside what I feel like on the inside.

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pumped View Post
    I don't get the "secrets from everyone" part. Do you tell all your friends everything you and your wife do in the privacy of your home? IMO, secrets have nothing to do with it. You don't tell the guys at work about the latest sex-capades with your wife, in great detail to the buddies at work do you? Do you discuss family issues to random acquaintances? I hope not. Some things you just don't talk about.

    Hardship to your wife, I can't help, my wife is accepting, but it was a long road to get where we are now.

    What do I get out of dressing? Though to explain, but comfort, a feeling of inner peace, and sometimes just happiness, goofing off with some crazy outfit.

    Hi Pumped,
    I understand what you?re saying if it?s only sexual. But I?m asking her to accept this femme part of me to dress and be pretty.... while not being able to talk to her friends and family about her struggle of acceptance. Not my limitation that she can?t talk to her friends about it, but I also haven?t told my friends or family. It?s a decision we?d have to make together that neither of us is mentally ready for. So for now, I have this part of me that I?m unwilling to share with others for fear of impact on me or my wife/kids. I don?t mean for this to be a negative post, because I view cross dressing as positive, but as the ?result? on my life, what immediately comes to mind are those negatives.

  12. #12
    Silver Member Pumped's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Michelle Vinova View Post
    Hi Pumped,
    I understand what you?re saying if it?s only sexual. But I?m asking her to accept this femme part of me to dress and be pretty.... while not being able to talk to her friends and family about her struggle of acceptance. Not my limitation that she can?t talk to her friends about it, but I also haven?t told my friends or family. It?s a decision we?d have to make together that neither of us is mentally ready for. So for now, I have this part of me that I?m unwilling to share with others for fear of impact on me or my wife/kids. I don?t mean for this to be a negative post, because I view cross dressing as positive, but as the ?result? on my life, what immediately comes to mind are those negatives.
    If you are not ready to be out, what ever the reason, why worry about it? In the mean time, fly under the radar, try keep your wife happy and nobody else needs to know.

    As for talking to someone, there are professionals, no need to drag in friends. My wife and I discuss my dressing, she doesn't discuss it with anyone else.

  13. #13
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    That?s not a bad answer. In fact, i think it would be rather odd for someone to engage in an activity that they didn?t enjoy at some level, whether its cross dressing or hiking. At some point, the why question can become an endless loop. If you say you enjoy the experience, then the question morphs into why do you enjoy the experience. What then? I enjoy it because endorphins are released in my brain when I cross dress. Why are endorphins released... and on and on.
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  14. #14
    Member MaryAnn1963's Avatar
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    A sense of balance, of feeling whole and complete. Continuity from how I feel to how I look.
    The Pink Fog is thick with this one....

  15. #15
    Female Illusionist! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    With respect to Micki: Attention, adoration, and a place to to spend money!

    For me it's also exciting, stimulating, arousing, and provides me a full social life. At 77, it also gives me a good reason to get up every the morning!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  16. #16
    Senior Member mbmeen12's Avatar
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    Dressing and etc for me is like connecting the dots game......lol I do look younger, hotter too.
    Escapism isn't necessarily bad, but is definitely unhealthy in the long term. While helpful in the short term, things will degrade over time. At some point, the escapee will have to face the issue. Things simply blowing over isn't really going to happen in many situations.

  17. #17
    Platinum Member Crissy 107's Avatar
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    Michelle,
    I feel you should ask yourself the question , " What do I want to get out of it ? "

  19. #19
    Connie Connie D50's Avatar
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    I like Kim's (Kimdl93) reply
    You might try asking your wife about one of her interest not to be sarcastic but maybe she can better describe her feeling and that turns a light blub on for you in your interest in how better to describe your feeling.

  20. #20
    Senior Member SaraLin's Avatar
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    Well - for me, it's a sense of "rightness" (spell checker says that's a real word). For whatever reason, I feel more in sync with my inner self.

    <resorting to analogy again - sorry 'bout that>
    I'm left handed and if I try to use my right hand to do things like writing, it feels terrible and looks it too.
    If I were forced to act like I was right handed, it would always feel wrong to me - no matter how "normal" others think it is.

  21. #21
    Senior Member Maid_Marion's Avatar
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    I'm size 2 so I can buy a ton of clothes off the discount racks that fit just fine without alteration.

    With men's XS long sleeve shirts the sleeves are too long. And if I exercise my 25" waistline is way too thin for anything in the men's department.

    I find stress relief in "retail therapy."

    Marion
    Last edited by Maid_Marion; 11-14-2020 at 09:09 PM.

  22. #22
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    A sexual thrill.

  23. #23
    New Member JennyUK's Avatar
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    Newbie here - I dress due to the compulsion I have. I always feel happier when I dress.

    It's not a sexual thing, just something I have an overwhelming need to do. My situation of late has meant that I can't due to family circumstances, and I get anxious that I can't.

    This situation changes in 4 weeks, and I am so relieved that I can go back to dressing whenever I want.

    My thing is bras - I adore them, the designs, the feeling of wearing, the comfort it gives me.

    My mental health is better when I can dress, it's like a release and all my other troubles fade away.

  24. #24
    Senior Member GretchenM's Avatar
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    I am with SaraLin and Robertacd. It creates a consistency between my inner sense of identity and my outer expression. Inconsistency in those two produces dysphoria (discomfort) and the way to fix that is to create consistency. Cross-dressing does produce a strong feeling of well-being and the like, but it mostly fixes a sense of being off balance. Much of the time the dysphoria is very mild and can be handled, if necessary, with just bits and pieces of the more female-like expression. But other times the dysphoria is intense and requires a lot of outward expression to create a balance and turn me from a nervous wreck into a calm and collected and confident person.

    But the experts say that the justification for cross-dressing varies all over the place with some just doing it because they can, or it provides a sexual stimulation, or any number of other reasons. Not all people who cross-dress are dysphoric, but, as a rule all people who are gender dysphoric cross-dress. Well, almost all. There are a few that don't and address the dysphoria in other ways.

    In short, there is no single reason - we are all different. So, what do you get out of it? Only you can answer that question.

  25. #25
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    "it mostly fixes a sense of being off balance."

    I was mentally fumbling around trying to find the phrase which would reflect how I feel. Thank you Getchen! That sort of works both ways. There have been many times in the past when I had the opportunity to be en femme, but the pull was just not there. A long time ago, decades ago, I tried to express myself to my wife with the line; something about expressing my inner woman. She shot back something to the effect "When you can have a baby, tell me about your inner woman." That effectively shot me down trying to come up with some reason for why I do what I do. So now I just say that I do not know why I have the need to wear women's clothing on occasion. It just feel right at the time I am doing it!

    I guess a husband can turn the question around and ask a wife why she is so against this form of expression. My wife told me if she wanted to marry a woman she would have married a woman. Why does one woman kick her husband out the door at the first hint of cross dressing and another wife comfortably sits with her totally en femme husband watching television?
    Last edited by Stephanie47; 10-24-2020 at 04:21 PM. Reason: grammer

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