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Thread: What do I do

  1. #1
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    What do I do

    Hi friends, it's been a few years since I have posted. I do check in to see what everyone is up to, and enjoy reading the responses. I am a closet dresser, the wife knows, but maybe not how often Robyn is in the house. I was wondering how to handle a situation. My son who is 24 came home early from work and saw dad dressed in not male clothing. He has not mentioned it but I am wondering how to handle it, bring it up or let it go.

  2. #2
    Silver Member Micki_Finn's Avatar
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    That’s tough... I would say it all depends on how open of a relationship you want to have with him. He’s an adult offspring (presumably) not living with you anymore. If he were a minor living with you, you might “owe” him an explanation, but at this point it’s up to you and how you want the relationship to develop. If he really wanted to discuss it, chances are he’d approach you.

  3. #3
    Senior Member lisalove's Avatar
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    He hasn't brought it up, so don't bring it up.
    Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.

  4. #4
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    Undeniably, he's seen you. He knows your femme persona exists. My approach is to act as though nothing is unusual or amiss, and not initiate the discussion. If the other person wants to say something, they will. Hopefully any questions that come are respectful and can be answered calmly and respectfully.

    The thing to keep in mind is that there is nothing wrong with you and your clothing tastes. You don't have to defend yourself. Also, your son's generation grew up with a more sympathetic notion of non binary identities than we did. This is much less of a big deal to them than it for us who grew up in a heteronormative environment. The chances are good that your dressing is of no real consequence to him.

  5. #5
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    My wife knew but I hid it from my son. But my son did catch me he was a teenager, right after I changed I asked him if he wanted to talk about it and he said no. When he was a little older than your son I came out as TG and he is fully supportive.

  6. #6
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    You are making the assumption this was news to him. Perhaps, he already knew. I would not initiate a conversation with him unless there is a change in his behavior. Nonverbal clues can be a giveaway.

  7. #7
    Platinum Member Shelly Preston's Avatar
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    Robyn

    Your son may have spoken with his mother, he may find it easier to talk with her.

    I assume you told her he came in and saw you dressed.
    Shelly

    Super Moderator....How to tell your partner......Abbreviations

  8. #8
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Robyn,
    I was caught out by my daughter some years ago , I thought she was out when she caught me ironing a dress she knew didn't belong to my wife . I admitted it was mine and told her the whole story , she was fine with it and now we go out shopping together . My son finally rang to ask if he could drop in for tea and a chat so I reminded him how I would be dressed , he was OK with it .

    Your son is an adult like my two children , we can't wrap them in cotton wool and they are far more aware of these issues than we were at their age .

    I would sit your son down and explain why you feel the way you do . I will repeat something a friend said to me when I was debating whether to tell me son or not , he said , " What makes you think your son isn't hiding something from you ? " So lets turn this round and consider if you son tell you he's also a CDer or possibly gay , when you come out to someone it sometimes opens the door for them .

    We must accept we aren't the only CDers or TG people in this World .
    The real me , no going back.

  9. #9
    Member Liz Jones's Avatar
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    Teresa,
    Like the bit about explaining "why you do what you do"--think there's a lot of us who would like an answer to that...... :-)

  10. #10
    Aspiring Member SaraLin's Avatar
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    I agree with the idea of "If he doesn't ask, don't bring it up"

    But if you feel that you need to say something - how about something like: "About the other day - any questions or anything you want to say?"

    If he says "no", then OK, leave it alone.

  11. #11
    Silver Member Bobbi46's Avatar
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    As the saying goes "let sleeping dog's lie", I would say nothing for now, see how he is over the following months. If perhaps his attitude towards you changes to a bit of " I don't like you dressed like that" then just maybe choose the right moment and give him a full explanation of why we are the way we are and what it means to you and what part of your life does it encompass.
    My now (46 yr old) when I told him, brought the response of "Holy crap dad, I dont want to see you dressed when I come to see you nor will I stay with you in your home" !! Since then, although by the end of three days with me he was sort of accepting, I cannot get anything out of him regarding visiting him dressed and even in fact if he has told his wife and kids.
    My (44 yr old) daughter is an amazing contrast to my son in that she is over the moon with happiness and even gave me a skirt for my birthday!
    its a big ballancing act when kids are involved and told for the first time that "dad dresses"
    Just see how things roll and be ready to openly answer any questions he may have.
    I started life a lost man now I am a found woman

  12. #12
    Member MonicaPVD's Avatar
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    This is difficult for people over 40 to comprehend, but your son may well be among the vast majority of young people today who don't really think it's a big deal. Now, if he came home and found you shagging someone who isn't your wife that would be a problem. Let it be.

  13. #13
    Gold Member bridget thronton's Avatar
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    I told my adult son and daughter at my wife's insistence that it would better to hear it from me than from one of their acquaintances - I am not saying this is the right thing for you to do - but it worked well for us

  14. #14
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    Robyn, there's no question but that it is weighing on his mind to some degree.

    I suggest this .. the next time he come over, sit him down with a chilly brew and ask him straight out, "is there anything you'd like to discuss with me?" as an opening. If he says no, drop it. If he is slow to respond or says yes, That's your que to tell him why you were dressed as you were 'the other day.'

  15. #15
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    You should do two things...
    One, prepare yourself to have the talk, if he brings it up.
    Two, wait for him to bring it up. That he has not yet, is a clear sign that he does not (yet) want to bring it up.
    "Being honest may not get you a lot of friends, but it will always get you the right ones."
    -- John Lennon

    https://groups.io/g/gno-houston

  16. #16
    Reality Check Krisi's Avatar
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    If he doesn't mention it, I would not bring it up.
    Krisi

  17. #17
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    Thanx for all the advice. Update, I think I was worried for nothing, we and sat down yesterday and had a couple of frosty cold beverages talked about alot of stuff but Robyn wasn't one of them. Whew!

  18. #18
    Sallee Sallee's Avatar
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    here is what I think I would do. Come out to him.My daughters found pictures of me and I had the talk I felt I had to. They were teens. They have not seen me since while I am sure they have not forgotten about the siting they have not brought it up again and I think we get along fine. Yes have the talk explain it as a hobby, as weird as that may be, but tell him its just somethingyou enjoy and find relaxing and occasionally you want to dress and you don't want to go full time.
    Good luck
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Sallee

  19. #19
    Reality Check Krisi's Avatar
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    The chances of getting away with crossdressing undetected in a house with other people who don't know about it forever are slim to none. Eventually, someone will find some of your stuff. Eventually, someone will come home unexpectedly and find you prancing around in a wig and boobs. The odds are against you.

    At age 24, it's time for your son to have his own place. And when he leaves, DO NOT let him keep the key to your house. You are entitled to some privacy and you really need it if you're going to dress as a woman from time to time.
    Krisi

  20. #20
    Silver Member Meghan4now's Avatar
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    I don't know, the whole don't mention it idea may be overblown. First of all by not discussing it, you are reinforcing an attitude of shame or unacceptance. Secondly, you may be leaving an unstated barrier which might be challenging later.

    I'm not saying that you absolutely should broach the subject. That is a very personal decision and needs to be considered within the context of your relationship and both of your personality traits. Are there inclinations on his opinions and acceptance levels?

    If you DO want to bring it up, you might start with a line like "You know, I hope I didn't shock you or upset you the other day when you came in while I was wearing [whatever you were wearing]. I want you to know that you're important to me and I don't want you to feel uncomfortable or embarrassed. If you would like to discuss it, we can. If you would rather not, I respect that as well.". Then you leave it up to him to respond. If you get silence then move on to some other subject.
    Put on a Happy Face.

  21. #21
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    You do not need to go out of your way to explain yourself. You are entitled to your own life. It sounds like it is a non-issue for your son so leave it a non-issue.

  22. #22
    Senior Member phili's Avatar
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    Just let it go! You don't need to feel guilty or strange, and therefore having to explain. I told my daughter- who told her friends who all thought it was interesting- bc there isn't anyone over age 7 who isn't aware that some men dress for various reasons, and it is all deep and kind of taboo- but harmless of itself. I felt I had to explain and she would wonder and ..and... but quickly realized that children are breaking away from parents for decades, and every year past maybe age 10 they become increasingly aware that we are real people with various faults, good points, and frailties, and they barely have time for managing their own lives against all challenges. So unless we are going off a cliff and they want to save us, they would just as soon not get involved. They pick up a thousand clues about us whenever they see us but they figure we each have our lives to live.

    Consider you actually could just be more explicit and say- oh son- I do love to crossdress at home, and if it doesn't make you uncomfortable I'd like to be free to do that when you are visiting. I ended up realizing that since I live a double life, my relationship with my daughter works better when I am in familiar dad typical male mode. We are who we are in the present moment with kids. They remember everything we did, but the present moment is the way we shoe them how we want to have a good relationship in the present.
    We are all beautiful...!

  23. #23
    Member cindylouho's Avatar
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    Much good advice here, I'd have to agree with the consensus. Best of luck handling it, but handled it must eventually be.

  24. #24
    Member nancy58's Avatar
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    I have a couple of thoughts. The first is that, as others have observed, the generation now in their 20s have had a lot more exposure to "different" people than older people (I'm a Boomer.) My own daughter recently let drop that one of her co-workers has a past in a different gender, and it was no big deal to her. The other thing is that good parents should give their children unconditional love, and it is fair to ask for that in exchange.

    Having said that, I'm kicking myself that I still haven't come out to my daughter, who is now 24. Maybe someday.
    Nancy
    "If you are lucky enough to find a way of life that you love, you have to find the courage to live it." -- John Irving

  25. #25
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Meghan,
    I'm inclined to agree with your comments about reinforcing the feelings of shame and guilt , it does take some courage to admit the need to dress but that often works for you rather than against you . Whether some people agree with it or not I have been told by various members of my family how brave they thought I was and not how weird , people do need to know and understand gender issues , hiding them away helps no one .
    The real me , no going back.

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