Must stop saying WIFE !

[Teresa]

This morning I was walking with one of my dog walking friends even though I no longer have a dog , we stopped at a secluded house to chat to a lady whose house it was . She has never met me before but knew the guy I was with , (I will add I was obvioulsy Teresa ) the way the conversation was going I realised she thought I was female . We talked about dogs and how I had just lost mine then happened to slip in , " MY WIFE !" She stopped talking and stared at me , my friend realised my slip up and moved the conversation on quickly . The lady didn't make too much of it as she just started to chat to me again .

I will have to be more careful but it's so easy to slip up after being married for 45 years . I know this also touches on the issue of passing , all I can add is I obvioulsy tick enough boxes to tip the balance on the female side .

I will add I had an amusing moment recently when I met an lady I hadn't seen in over thirty years , she saw the same guy and myself walking across the field and she thought his wife had changed her hair colour , we did have a good laugh about that one .

As from last Thursday it has become my Ex-wife .

[Shelly Preston]

Teresa

Since the you have never met before, she may be thinking you are in a same sex relationship and have a wife.

[Teresa]

Shelly,
That thought did occur to me after but she was quite elderly so perhaps she might not have considered that , my comment was obvioulsy something she didn't expect .

[Robertacd]

What are you saying? A woman can't have a wife?

My wife calls me her wife and I call her mine.

In fact I never felt so empowered until just a few months ago my wife was yelling at some hospital staff while our son was hospitalized and throughout her entire angry tirade she referred to me as her wife without skipping a beat.

[Teresa]

Roberta,
The point I'm making is the lady was taken back by my comment as she must have assumed I was female , it's not often you hear a woman talk about a wife .

I agree there's nothing wrong with a woman calling her female partner her wife but it is fairly unusual . I have talked to women about my children and grandchildren but that's not so bad , although it takes a little getting use to knowing they could be thinking I'm the mother and not their father .

So maybe this raises the question for other members , would you keep quite and let them assume that or do you correct them , obviously you have to consider if you still have a wife or not , my divorce is now final so I no longer have a wife in this situation .

[Stephanie47]

So let's really confuse the woman. You're not in a same sex relationship. You're a transgender woman. Then she can start pondering whether your friend is more than a friend. You can make a soap opera out of this. Maybe,the next time you encounter the woman you can tell her the truth. That seems to be the recommended advice on this forum; full disclosure.

[Lana Mae]

Pre-covid, a JW lady came to talk to my daughter and Lana Mae answered the door! Later they referenced me as her mother-um no! We just let it go rather than disturb her! It could have been fun though! LOL Hugs Lana Mae

[Jodie_Lynn]

Roberta,

So maybe this raises the question for other members , would you keep quite and let them assume that or do you correct them , obviously you have to consider if you still have a wife or not , my divorce is now final so I no longer have a wife in this situation .

I often refer to my ex-wife in conversations with friends and co-workers. It really isn't that big of a deal. Sometimes I might wryly preface the comment with: "In another life..."

As to the old lady, well, who cares? She acted as if you were a woman, so maybe now she thinks you're a lesbian. So what? Do you intend to make her your BFF and invite her into your circle of close friends?

One of my friends ( a pre-op transwoman living 24/7 )has custody of her teenaged daughter and she ALWAYS refers to her parent as 'Dad'. Neither one of them are bothered by this, and we always enjoy some of the startled reactions of people when she calls an older woman "Dad!" in a public venue.

Another GF and myself were in a mall, walking arm-in-arm with our heads close together ( because we were discussing something very personal and didn't want to broadcast what we we discussing ), when a woman stopped us and said "You two are a cute couple, so tall and slim! How long have you been together?" We smiled and thanked her and explained we were just friends.

We are not responsible for the conclusions and assumptions that others leap to about us. Nor are we required to correct their mistaken assumptions Unless you WISH to.

[Robertacd]

One of my friends ( a pre-op transwoman living 24/7 )has custody of her teenaged daughter and she ALWAYS refers to her parent as 'Dad'. Neither one of them are bothered by this, and we always enjoy some of the startled reactions of people when she calls an older woman "Dad!" in a public venue.

Having an adult son I have had to come to terms with this myself. At the moment I am okay with my son calling me Dad even in public. After all, even if I was post-op it would still be true.

[Jodie_Lynn]

EXACTLY Roberta! I will never, ever be my daughters "MOM", and I don't want to be. That title is reserved for the woman who bore her.

[bridget thronton]

I have been in the habit of referring to my wife as my spouse when I am dressed and talking to other people (good on you for passing so well Teresa)

[Helen_Highwater]

Teresa,

You could turn it entirely upon it's head and start referring to your ex husband! Well, perhaps it's not just beauty in the eye of the beholder?

[Eemz]

I just say "my ex" because most of the time that person's gender is irrelevant to the story.

[Krisi]

It's hard to break old habits. You'll have to make a conscious effort on this. "Spouse" is fine or in your case, "ex" will work.

I don't think you need to explain things to anyone who is not close to you. Certainly not a lady on the street.

[Nadine Spirit]

Apparently I pass fairly well IRL, but that has been hard for me to accept. I still see myself as looking way too much like I looked before. But I am realizing my vision is distorted and I don't exactly see in me what other's see. Anywho..... my therapist and I made a deal, I will always make the assumption that people see me as a cis-woman. Which has been weird, but educational. Weird because I still doubt my passing, but educational as apparently other people don't!

My point though in replying to this thread is that now, when I speak to people, occasionally the topic of me being married to my wife comes up. When I mention the word "wife" in relation to my spouse, that tends to be the first thing that makes it so I get weird feelings from some people. And what I have come to understand is that it is because they assumed I am a straight cis-woman, but then when they hear "my wife" they immediately understand that I am a married lesbian. True it is not as common as a man-wife marriage, a wife-wife marriage is still more common, and more likely thought of, than meeting a trans woman.

So, long explanation, but that woman most likely assumed you are lesbian, not a transgender woman. Just my 2 cents.

[GretchenM]

Perfectly understandable, Teresa. After 45 years of marriage the concept of wife being associated with your ex is deeply ingrained, as I am sure you know. You are forgiven your error.

[Cheryl T]

Perhaps she just thought you were lesbian.
Not everyone automatically thinks crossdresser, especially these days

[kimdl93]

A wise old friend advised me that what other people thought was none of my business.

[Teresa]

Some really interesting replies many thanks for that .

Stephanie,
I feel I must pass on from deliberately confusing people , being out everyday means we must gain the trust of others , the lady won't remain a total stranger as she lives on the walk I now take most days so I hope I will meet her again . I'm afraid I won't be admitting I'm male , I will have to leave her to make her own assumptions .

Nadine,
You hit the nail on the head , appreciating how others' see us and accepting it ouselves is a gradual process , I'm sure to most it doesn't happen overnight .

Roberta,
I know my son and daughter will never drop " DAD " . The first time I went shopping with my daughter she did raise a few eyebrows at the checkout when several customers overheard her . The last time she we shopped she was far more aware of it , I must admit it was a nice feeling when a SA thought we were mother and daughter .

Bridget ,
Spouse isn't a word I use often , as I'm now divorced I will have to try and think in single terms , Gretchen is right that it will take time .
I try and avoid the " passing " label and try to see it as ticking enough boxes to be read as female .

Kym,
I'm inclined to agree , it was just her reaction to hearing me say wife .

I'm also avoiding the lesbian label as so many in the past have become heated by that suggestion from a TG person .

[docrobbysherry]

I've been divorced for a long time. Whether the people know or didn't know my ex, referring to her in that manner covers the subject and requires no further wasted dialog!

The sooner u start referring to her as your "ex" the easier it will be to move rite along with your discussions with no further explanation required, Teresa!

[carhill2mn]

Rather than say wife or ex-wife why not just say her name?

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Teresa , Old habits are hard to break, >Orchid **00**

[Marianne S]

Hi Teresa,

I do sympathize with your embarrassment. Anyone can make a slip! I can also see how that poor lady was "thrown for a loop" by that mention of your "wife," trying to sort out in her mind what all this contradictory information meant. That's "cognitive dissonance" with a vengeance! I hope you kept your sterling sense of humor in spite of it, because this is actually quite entertaining. So no cause for you to get upset.

What was she to think, after all? I'm just trying to imagine her mental processes. Here you were, a woman walking with a man you say this lady knew already. Who did she think you were? His wife? His girlfriend? Or just a "friend"-friend? We can all have "friends" of either sex, after all. That's normal.

Then all of a sudden you mention "your wife," and she does a double-take, trying to sort it all out! What did it imply to her that you've had a "wife"? That you're lesbian? Possibly, but even before that, the very mention of a woman having a "wife" is itself still an alien concept to many people. Talking about "her wife" (or "his husband" for that matter) sounds bizarre to many--the elderly above all, as this lady was--who expect the sexes to be complementary. Wives have husbands and husbands have wives.

It would really be better if there were separate terms for same-sex partners--like "partner" for instance--or some entirely new coinage. "Wusbands and hives"? The Reverend Spooner to the rescue? At least "spouse" would be less confusing, since it's nonspecific.

So that alone must have caused the good lady a momentary mental hiccup before she even reached the "lesbian" conclusion. Assuming she did, she would then have to reprocess whatever assumptions (if any) she'd previously been making about the relationship between yourself and the guy you were with. All of that takes time. And when somebody "passes" as well as you do, I think the notion of "transgender" is the last thing to dawn on most people's minds. No wonder she was confused and ended up staring.

Congratulations to your gentleman friend for having the swift reaction and the tact to move the conversation quickly on!

I second Carole's idea of referring to your ex-wife by name, as "my friend Joan" or whatever. If you talk about "your ex" or the like you're going to end up inadvertently saying "she" and "her" anyway, which will still confuse people. Am I right in saying you are still "friends"? I hope so anyway.

I'm sorry for the loss of your dog. Perhaps after a suitable time you'll feel ready to get another. Dogs are not just good companions, but good conversation starters as well.

[Teresa]

Marrianne,
You really read it very well , thanks for understanding my thread .

As far as I'm aware the lady also knows the guy's wife , I have been read as his wife by another dog walker , so an assumption could be made we are meeting up away from prying eyes ! Which I will add is not the case as I get on very well with his wife .

Part of the problem in expaining this on the forum is we are very quick to throw labels about but most of the general public don't .

To put the shoe on the other foot , during a conversation with a man and a woman at my painting group , the guy let it slip about his husband collecting him at lunch time .The lady gave him the same stare and silence I recieved , in modern jargon you could read the comment as , " Does not compute !" she did excuse herself and stepped away . She's OK with it now she's had chance to think it through just as she did with me when I first appeared as Teresa at the group .

The majority of the public don't have to think about gender or sexual issues , we must accept that and give them time to think it over when they're faced with it .