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Thread: Am I allowed to float an idea of creating a DADT section? What do other DADT think?

  1. #26
    Aspiring Member SaraLin's Avatar
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    For what it's worth, I don't see the need for it, and I really like being able to read all the differing viewpoints from a more widely diverse group.

    It would seem to me that a dedicated DADT subgroup would quickly devolve into an "I'm so bummed. She doesn't let me..." and a "Yeah, me too" mutual pity party.
    It's refreshing to me to hear from people who are living comfortably in some form of DADT (my world), those who have found ways to break free, AND those who are still chafing against their restraints.
    And of course - the "I thought I'd lose her, but we're working it out" stories are wonderful to hear - but they wouldn't be appropriate in a DADT section, right?

  2. #27
    Aspiring Member Lacey New's Avatar
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    I?m in a ?She does not know and I don?t want her to find out? relationship so I guess that is a step below DADT. But is has not meant that I feel left out on this site. No, I don?t have the same opportunities to dress that many member on this site have, but I still enjoy my rare times en femme and I enjoy learning about do?s and don?t?s, shopping adventures and opportunities etc, etc. So, while I don?t think we need a separate DADT section, whether we have one or not is immaterial. If it makes someone happy, then fine.

  3. #28
    Weirdest woman ever! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AngelaYVR View Post
    If we can also have a separate section for the ?tee hee I enjoy wearing panties? people then I am all for it.
    Great a great idea, Angela! A "pantie fetishers only", section! There's a forum that would probably be more active than this one!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  4. #29
    Member Star01's Avatar
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    Thanks for the responses and it?s good to hear from others in similar circumstances. If anyone refers to past comments be forewarned that I have been all over the map on this constantly evolving journey. I was not singling any members out but some may identify with my observations as I sometimes do when there are snarky remarks directed towards those in my situation.

    There was one member that for a while would call me out every time I posted or commented but she has vanished from the forum. At 69 I have been around the block many times and am aware of all the points made in reply but that isn?t apparent in every post or comment.

    Thanks for the positive comments. Another forum section may not be practical but I am encouraged by the feedback.

  5. #30
    Aspiring Member Sandi Beech's Avatar
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    Hey Star,

    Although I am not so sure opening another forum would help, I hear what you are saying. Although I have referred to my situation as DADT, it is more like this - don?t even think about it. I know many people have stated you have to be honest and have the talk, etc. It did not work for me. My wife will never budge an inch - ever. After 36 years you get to know someone, and like you I am not willing to throw it all away for dressing. Even so I find it very hard to stop so I do it in secret. It is somewhat hurtful when people tell us we are lying cheating, etc. Perhaps, but I now realize that in revealing our secrets, it is easy to be sensitive to criticism, so am am trying to brush off negative comments.

    I have been lucky enough to go out dressed many times, yet I am still quite in the closet with respect to my wife. In that since you are not alone for sure. For some of us, it is the only way to stay married.

    Sandi

  6. #31
    Silver Member Sometimes Steffi's Avatar
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    I am also DADT. My wife knows that I CD and go out and about dressed as a woman. But she doesn't want to see me dressed, which means she doesn't want to be included in ant way.

    She has never seen me fully dressed, but I did get caught wearing a bra a couple of months ago after I thought she had gone to sleep.

    There are actually some advantages to being DADT.

    Since she doesn't see me dressed and she hasn't seen any of my clothes, except for the aforementioned bra, she can'r give me negative feedback on what I wear. She can't tell me that I'm dressed like a sl*t. She can't say, "Are you really going out like that?" It actually is a nice compromise.

    I just find other ways to get positive affirmations.

    I know that most of the girls here say, "Be honest." I tried that with my wife and it just made it worse. Once, she was "nice enough" to tell me that, "If I new about this before we got married, I'm not sure I would have married you. Why didn't you tell me?"

    Feel free to PM me if you want.
    Hi, I'm Steffi and I'm a crossdresser... And I accept and celebrate both sides of me. Or, maybe I'm gender fluid.

    Gender fluid (adj.) - Describes a person whose gender identity is not fixed. A person who is gender fluid may always feel like a mix of the two traditional genders, but may feel [more] like one gender some days, and [more like] another gender other days.

    Ref: https://www.lgbthealtheducation.org/wp-content/uploads/LGBT-Glossary_March2016.pdf

  7. #32
    Gold Member Crissy 107's Avatar
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    I am also in a DADT marriage and of course wish I could do more but like others have said, my wife is not going to change.
    That all said I do not feel there should be a separate sub forum for the DADT crowd. I feel post it here and if you get some negative comments just go past them and move on.
    My thought is for every negative comment you will get many more positive ones.
    Crissy

  8. #33
    Reality Check Krisi's Avatar
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    I don't usually scan all the different groups for new posts so I would not be in favor of splitting up into separate groups any more than is already done.

    I do agree with some of the other posters here that sometimes those of us who are simply crossdressers are subject to intimidation by some of those who consider themselves to be "more than crossdressers".
    Krisi

  9. #34
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    Crissy - the negative comments have the most impact because they sting and reinforce those negative feelings we already have. In my experience words have more power to hurt than to heal. So when there is a negative comment all of the support and love the followed gets erased.

    SaraLin - You make a good point about a pitty party. At the same time sometimes people need to commiserate together.

    Star - I understand being all over the map. It?s ok. I offer you a sympathetic ear if you ever want to just vent, talk, or get some objective advice from sympathetic ear.

  10. #35
    New Member
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    I think it would be a great idea. It would be a place that those of us in some form of DADT, whatever it may amount to, can come together and hear from one another about how we deal with our SOs and their want to not be involved or see it. Share our pain if you will and maybe get new ideas to try.

  11. #36
    Silver Member Micki_Finn's Avatar
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    As one who is not DADT, and who isn’t aware of any specific instances being referred to, would defer to the DADT crowd on this. I think some “out” girls can be a little over enthusiastic in their advice, but I generally see it as coming from a good place and wanting to be an encouragement. But if you feel comments are negative and pervasive, I don’t have a problem with a safe space for that sub-group.

  12. #37
    Member nancy58's Avatar
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    Star,

    I'm in your situation, too. I'm not sure that I'd want another forum, though; there are already so many forums for different areas of interest, that I don't believe I could get into looking at more than one. Better to carefully word the thread subject, methinks. Like you, I don't want to toss N years of marriage just so I could dress full-time, even though the thought of being able to switch over permanently has a lot of appeal.
    Nancy
    "If you are lucky enough to find a way of life that you love, you have to find the courage to live it." -- John Irving

  13. #38
    Gold Member Crissy 107's Avatar
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    Sophy, I understand what you are saying about the negative comments but if I see one on whatever thread I am reading and I do not care to hear that I just pass it by. Why get aggravated is what I think.
    Crissy

  14. #39
    Member Star01's Avatar
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    Some of the replies have been from members who say they are in a DADT and that they go out dressed. I am looking at this as a retired person with a wife and three cats. Covid has me evaluating the necessity of ever excursion out of the house and former activities that I could use as a cover to go out for the evening are either shut down or not worth the risk. A shared family vacation home was a great way to get out for a few nights but that is up for sale and no longer an option.

    So my question to others in a DADT, how do you shop and how do you even get out of the house past the gatekeeper of your happiness?

    As far as telling her fifty years ago, I not realized that the kink that started at puberty was a life long thing and that it would return stronger than ever late in life. To those who would accuse me of withholding that from my wife I honestly didn?t know what I was dealing with and that it would come back every time I tried to put it behind me.

    On a side note I have been in therapy since the first of the year but my crossdressing is so limited by the current situation that it now amounts to a dozen pair of pantries, a shaved body and a lot of time spent wishing and hoping. At this point with neither of us wanting to be exposed to the virus just going out the door results in asking where I am going. Apparently some must still be working and possibly traveling for work which would offer some measure of freedom. That isn?t possible for me, sometimes I cope well like when there is a project that?s keeping me busy. Other times like now when there is up to seven inches of snow forecast there is more time to think about it and I get restless.

    [SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

    PS, I think it?s pretty clear that there are too many reasons not to add another form section. I believe that the preferred method is to address a post to a specific group of members in the subject line. That is what I will do going forward.

    I don?t want to give the impression that I don?t appreciate everyone?s comments. Most of the time the feedback and different perspectives are welcome. I think part of the reason I felt that way is my own feelings of inadequacy as a crossdresser. I can?t shop, I can?t dress at home, I can?t go out and the only people who know are a wife who won?t talk about it, a therapist and members of this forum. In other words, my entire network of peers are on this forum so I take the comments pretty serious.

    The hold that crossdressing has on me is something I have never experienced. I think about it all the time despite barely being able to do it. If we were talking about something like fishing and my circumstances were such that I couldn?t go fishing I would feel bad for a short time and get over it. Crossdressing, on the other hand, can?t be turned off or forgotten and not being able to do it causes a feeling of emptiness that can be overwhelming at times.

    So that about sums it up, impossible situation and the solution is to endure more of the same for an unspecified amount of time.

    I think that kind of frustration of not being able to do anything to satisfy my urges is likely shared by others.

  15. #40
    Aspiring Artist Kelly DeWinter's Avatar
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    I apologize in advance as I am not in a DADT relationship, but feel the need to ask a few questions ?
    . Wouldn't posting in a DADT only section reinforce staying in a DADT relationship ?
    . By limiting access don't you think you would loose the wisdom and advice of those who have moved out of a DADT relationship ?
    . What is the ultimate benefit you would get by limiting participation ?

    For me it was the encouragement of those who moved out that made me decide to be open with all of my new relationships.
    Kelly DeWinter
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  16. #41
    Member Star01's Avatar
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    Anyone in a DADT has to make choices knowing that a wrong guess could result in the ultimate rejection. I have been married for fifty years so that is a lot to sacrifice just to sit in the recliner in a dress. Even if I had total freedom I am 69 years old and not into clubbing and live in small town flyover country. By defying my wife what would I gain besides the freedom to go to the feed store in a dress? I would never be passable and I would never consider going out in public unless I could pass and had some compelling reason to risk my marriage in order to do it.

    This is never going to fly for me so even though I?m sure you?re coming from a good place not everyone is willing to blow up a fifty year marriage to wear a dress to the hardware store. That is exactly the kind of thinking, that I am flawed and need to demand more regardless of the price, that I was referring to in this post. The idea that anyone who can?t go out in public drinking and dancing the night away is flawed.

  17. #42
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    First, a Happy Veterans' Day to all who served. Covid will keep me from cashing in on those free meals for veterans. My wife and I (also a veteran) do not want a side order of Covid with our free breakfast.

    Next, my wife and I will have been married fifty years next year. We are in a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" marriage. My wife and I have had "The Talk" back in circa 1983.

    How do I go about purchasing my fem wardrobe. I am the spouse who goes to the secure mailbox down the street. I know when a purchase is hitting the mailbox as everything has a tracking number attached. Or I use order and pickup at a store.

    Yes, I would like to have more time to be en femme. It was limited by my wife's retirement. Sometimes I had up to seven to ten days to be en femme when she visited a cousin out of state. Or an evening when she babysat overnight our grandchild at our daughter's home. With Covid-19 all that has disappeared. Due to medical issues my wife and I sleep apart. I usually wear a nylon nightgown and panty.

    In the past I have been chided for being in a DADT situation. Sometimes the comments seem a little too "pushy" for me. Since I do not know the poster of the comment there is no way for me to assess her situation. It's not just a situation of assessing the pros and cons of spreading one's wings. I have read some comments that are "in your face" or "take it or leave it" comments to a wife. To me that mentality is nothing more than domination over a spouse. MCP; You can put lipstick on a pig and it's still a pig as a former candidate for vice-president said years ago. My wife and I had "The Talk." I fully understand why she does not appreciate my cross dressing. Maybe, it all seems vanilla to others, but that's her. I would not feel comfortable shoving or asserting my desires. There was a time when my sleeping in a nightgown or wearing hosiery did not bother her. It was viewed as a sexual kink. Enter the concept of transgender thoughts, i.e., the woman within and cross dressing came to a halt for her. "If I wanted to be married to a woman, I would have married a woman," she said. I get it.

    As to having a separate section for those of us in a DADT marriage. I don't think it is necessary. The title and reading the posters comments should be a tip off for the reader that comments are directed and solicited for those in the situation. Of course, there are posters who only seem to want to increase the number of posts shown below the avatar. There are plenty of comments made that should not have been posted. If you have not had the experience or fall within the topic, stay out of it. If you're not in a DADT and a DADT question is asked and you and your wife go out clubbing totally en femme, then stay out of the conversation. If advice is asked just use common sense.

    I think the problem is one that is rather simple to resolve.
    Last edited by Stephanie47; 11-15-2020 at 11:29 AM.

  18. #43
    Oh to be an English Rose Jane G's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Taylor186 View Post
    Interesting idea, but having been around here a while I know that DADT has no commonly accepted definition.
    Really. I would strongly disagree with you there. Do you yourself consider that you have a DADT relationship?

    Start0. I have been in what I would term a DADT relationship for 40+ years. I enjoy the discussions here. It is the only CD forum I have ever chatted on, so I don't know what is common else where. I find the forum very accepting of DADT. It took me a very long time to under stand the parts of me that related to other CD's but I do understand now and I'm happy that I am excepted here for my views and who I am. There are so many flavours of CD and in the grand scheme of things we are still a rare breed. Enjoy being part of the community, we all have our subtle differences, but we are better in one forum than dotted about in minority groups.
    Last edited by Jane G; 11-15-2020 at 01:55 PM. Reason: Spelling

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