Another friend lost!

[Bobbi46]

One more friend has decided to turn aside from me. This friend was a retired Dr here in France who gave me some of the answers I was searching for as to why I am this way. We ( before my ex left me) knew him from as far back as 2006! I used to see him every week as we had a little group to learn french together and his English was quite good.
About last October I asked him about meeting up and he said he could not as he had "family problems", and he would be in touch, which never happened then just after Christmas we did set up a meeting but our lockdown put paid to that. he has never contacted me and I did not, not wanting to intrude on his problems.
Then a recent Saturday I was walking to get coffee and saw him greeted him nicely and asked if he would like coffee with me to which I got the curt reply I cant I have to go now
Although he was a Dr would have seen most things, and walked in exalted circles of medics (lecturing at a faculty of medecine and so forth) it is my belief that my openess and level of dressing is something he, for whatever reason cannot comprehend being friends with a CD person.
I think thing our weekly meets are done for plus we have another lockdown again.

[cindylouho]

Sad to hear, but you never know, it may not be as it appears on the surface.

[Liz Jones]

Bobbie,
Better now than later...
Liz

[char GG]

It's sad to feel as if you've lost a friend. However, your dressing may have nothing to do with it. He may have his own problems.

[Bobbi46]

Char GG you have it right there, it is a bit sad, maybe he thought that too much time had passed and there was no going back but on the other hand bumping into him would have been a golden opportunity to re connect. The town I go to for Saturday morning coffee is not a big one but everybody knows everybody else and seeing as he moves about in "high up circles" I think he must have a problem somewhere, after all I have never caused him any grief connected with my dressing.
I have now lost 5 friends because of my dressing, were they ever true friends? who knows, but slowly I am as such replacing them, with new friends that my GF has introduced me to them without any problems at all.
There is a saying that goes "nothing is for ever" thiqs could be with my friend.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Bobbie;

I understand what you are going thru, Over the years I thought some of my friends were more "Enlighted" than they actually were. Truthfully, you may never know why someone drops a friendship. The question you have to think about is were they truly that close to begin with ?

[Crissy 107]

Bobbi, I feel when someone turns their back on someone else for no reason other then you being you it is their loss. I have seen this before and also recently on this site sadly enough.

[nvlady]

Sounds to me like a doctor who simply accepts cd's professionally, but not personally.

[Bobbi46]

Yes I am begining to think this, things were OK before but as soon as I came out that is where his personal feelings got in the way, its a pity because we go back a long way, but as has been pointed out was he a true friend and also were the other lost friends true ones as well, one has to consider this as a major factor in what has happened.

[bridget thronton]

Sorry things did not go well with this person

[Helen_Highwater]

Bobbi,

Before writing the friendship off all together I'd wait until this current chaos is over, make contact again and ask him if being seen with you for him is problematic.

As others have said, problems of his own may be weighing heavily on his personal or professional life and he has more important issues to deal with.

And should it be the case that the friendship has ended then as one door closes.........

[Bobbi46]

Helen, valuable words indeed I was thinking of making some sort of contact with J-L,

[Teresa]

Bobbi,
He's playing his professional card and using it to distant himself from you , I know doctors who would have done the same thing setting aside TG issues .

You just have to look at it that he has the problem not you , who knows he may come round given time . I have a very old friend going back some 40+ years who just doesn't want to know about my " Girlie stuff " as he calls it . My ex surprised me when she told me he had recently rung her and complained that I didn't give him any notice when I called at his studio , she really gave him both barrels with some harsh home truths and made it clear how much she still respected me for being the person I was in the past .

[GretchenM]

In my opinion, I would just let it go. I would not view it as a loss of a friend, but consider that there really may not have been much of a friendship in the first place. He may have viewed it as a bit of a professional relationship as might exist between a tutor and a student. That can also appear friendly when it isn't. In general, we tend to be sensitive toward feelings of being rejected; it kind of goes with the territory of being different or "Green" as Kermit would put it. Not everyone wants to be friends with a person like us and that is OK. Just don't take it personally.

If you meet him again, which appears likely, just give him a friendly greeting in French, leave it at that, and see what happens. Perhaps thank him for all the help with French. No suggestions of coffee or anything like that. Kind of a reset button. See what happens.

[sometimes_miss]

FWIW, during this pandemic, I've had several people accuse me of being antisocial, because I refuse to meet them and spend time with them. Nothing of the sort, I'm simply staying away from EVERYONE. Perhaps your doctor friend is just doing the same thing, since we can't count on people who are completely asymptomatic, as being non contagious. Few are old enough to remember other diseases that killed many, but often only caused minor disease symptoms in a lot of others who obviously unwittingly passed it along. This is where we stand right now with SARS-Cov-2, aka 'the coronavirus'. Far too many think it's nothing to worry about.

I'm not saying that this is definitely the reason your doctor friend is avoiding you socially, but it would make sense that he would do so right now.

[docrobbysherry]

Even some trans have this issue, Bobbi. A few years ago I invited a T from here to join our T group for dinner before a big club T event in SoCal.

She was one of those, "throw on a dress and do nothing else" types. It was obvious from the snarky looks she got from some of the girls at our table that they weren't thrilled when she arrived!

[Aka_Donna]

I agree with Gretchen, it was not personal friendship but professional, so not a real lost. Just something imagined that wasn't there

[kimdl93]

Bobbi,

Before writing the friendship off all together I'd wait until this current chaos is over, make contact again and ask him if being seen with you for him is problematic.

As others have said, problems of his own may be weighing heavily on his personal or professional life and he has more important issues to deal with.

And should it be the case that the friendship has ended then as one door closes.........

I would agree. This is a highly challenging time, physically and emotionally, for healthcare professionals. A practicing physician has likely dealt with horrendous struggles and loss, certainly among his patients and likely at a personal level as well. From that perspective, things like friendships may and probably should take a lower priority.

[Stephanie47]

I posted elsewhere this morning that one is fortunate in life to have one true friend who you can support you. Most others are transitory. I suspect once you started becoming more comfortable with yourself and express yourself more fully you started infringing upon his comfort zone. Nobody lives in a vacuum. Yes, it could be possible the doctor has issues with family members. Sometimes associating with someone who is not like yourself gives the impression to others that you may be "one of them." That leads to social isolation. Many times I've conjectured a wife may not be supportive of her husband wearing women's clothing because there is the prospect of social isolation for a wife. She may end up bearing the brunt of the negativity shown by others; "What wrong with her? She's married to a cross dresser!" Your doctor acquaintance may have been pressured by others to abandon your friendship. I find many people are very shallow and self limiting in their associations.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Bobbi , It is highly likely that he was never really a true friend, more just an acquaintance,

>>>>>Orchid **O O**

[MonicaPVD]

From what you describe, it doesn't sound as though you were particularly close in the past. As adults, we are often less inclined to invest in developing or maintaining new friendships. By now, we have a good sense of who we are and what we like and who we want to be around. You shouldn't take it personally that he doesn't want to be your buddy. He may have a lot going on in his life or he may be afraid that you are going to use him as your free therapist (as you note about him providing some answers for you in the past), or he may simply already have enough friends - as tend to be the case with most mature adults.

[CarlaWestin]

As adults, we are often less inclined to invest in developing or maintaining new friendships.

So very true, Monica. I have vastly more online friends than I do in the physical world.
Friendship is a complex connection of even more complex personality matrices. Our CD unit is always the 600 pound gorilla in the room especially when we point it out. I went through a period of disclosure a couple of years ago. My BFF was completely accepting and even admitted that he'd been wearing his wife's panties for years. Female friends at work thought it was really cool but I doubt they would be so accepting if it was their boyfriends that dressed. I bought my wife flowers and approached the subject very gently. Failed miserably. DADT to the extreme.
So, as you get older, true friendship is richer in smaller numbers and something that is subject to change. I'm heading into full retirement. I'm sure there's a whole new bunch of folks I'll meet. Who know's, maybe another retired CD needs a gal pal.

[Tammy Lynn Tx]

Way back in the last Century, I was a lot more open to others ( I lived in a larger Metro area). I knew quite a few Gays, Lesbians and Bi-folk and accepted them as I wanted to be accepted. I came out to quite a few and was always asked the same question. Why would you bother wearing womens clothing? I tried to explain why then asked why are you gay or bi ? a couple of people seemed to accept me, but cooled from the way we had been together before.
I still see some today, even tho I no longer live in that area. Some will say hi and some act like I am a non-person. I greet them as I greet everyone, I say hi and ask how they are. Those that choose not to speak... I quite worrying why they are the way they are.
Just be happy with yourself, and most of all...Like the person you are.

[Bobbi46]

Tammi, I think you have got it right "just be yourself", I do know the J-L moves in high places and in a way I think this might be the main cause, who knows, but as has been pointed maybe he was not a friend but more of an aquantance.
By the way he was towards me that Saturday i feel it is all over, but as has been said many times tomorrow is another day and so on. The big thing is that my daughter is "well over the moon" and pleased for me and as for the grand kids they want to call me "transdad" instead of grand dad lol so there is light at the end of the tunnel and I am more than happy with and in myself and just being Bobbi