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Thread: It's like the universe just slapped me

  1. #1
    Senior Member Jean 103's Avatar
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    It's like the universe just slapped me

    I have started that I don't really have any problems with how I live. I work in guy mode and live as Jean, pretty simple. I'm out, but I do my best to stick to this.

    This morning at work I get handed a couple papers. I see a thank you card. It is from a customer, nice but nothing really.

    There is another piece of paper, an invitation to the company Christmas party. They have never had one before, and it is at a new house that they just completed, this is a big deal.

    And I'm crying because I can't go. I have been crying ever sense I read it.yes tears running down my face all day at work.

    First I have no guy clothes, just company t-shirts. Even if I manage to some how try and do guy mode in a social setting. The last time I tried it, well I cryed the whole time.

    If I go in a dress, it will end up being all about me. That part I can handle.

    I grew up with the owner and his two brothers, lived across the street. So they see me as a guy. At work that is fine it doesn't bother me.

    But to be in a party dress, and I have meny to choose from, and have a room full of people miss gendering me. I will not be able to handle that.

    All I can come up with is quit or send flowers.

    I guess I do have problems.

    Love Jean

  2. #2
    Aspiring Member Sandi Beech's Avatar
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    Hey Jean,

    Sorry to see you upset but I kind of get it even though my situation is different. I think my Christmas party will be canceled this year but we are usually flown into Nashville every year. I am just so taken by how pretty all the wife?s / girlfriends are at the party and hate that I can not be dressed like them. Two years ago I messed up and had too much to drink and ended up telling a couple of the women about my dressing. Fortunately nothing became of it.

    If it will upset you more to go than to not go, maybe it is not worth going. Hopefully you will find a solution. I almost don?t want to go to mine now.

    Best wishes

    Sandi

  3. #3
    Gold Member Helen_Highwater's Avatar
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    The simple solution is as we say in the UK, "Throw a sicky". Self isolate due to Covid, winter flu, sickness and well you know what.

    I'm sure others may offer suggestions as well. Just don't let it get to you. Every problem has it's solution.

  4. #4
    Aspiring Member SaraLin's Avatar
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    Jean, you say that you're out. Does that mean that the folks at work know about your feminine side?
    If so, why not quietly approach the owner (and others) and ask if it would be OK to come as yourself? You could even even use the "I haven't got a thing to wear" (as a guy) line.

  5. #5
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Jean,
    What's the worse thing can happen if you finally come out to them ?

    It was very much the dilemma I had when I wanted to rejoin my art group as Teresa , as it turned out it was a non-event , OK I accept it wssn't work related so no risk of losing my job and also they had known about my TG situation for a while .

    Perhaps you don't need to go as far as a party dress , I have a nice sequined top that could be worn with smart trousers or a skirt and possibly get some sparkly flat shoes .

    The other question is are they jumping the gun ? Surely the rules with Covid 19 will still apply , my group has talked about a Xmas party but I'm not sure if it's a good idea or not .
    Last edited by Teresa; 11-13-2020 at 07:32 AM.
    The real me , no going back.

  6. #6
    Senior Member Maid_Marion's Avatar
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    Hi Jean,

    You could decline, saying you have some health issues that make it unwise to attend in the middle of the pandemic.

    Marion

  7. #7
    Gold Member Crissy 107's Avatar
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    Hi Jean, I think you can pull this off, enjoy yourself and stay true to yourself. Maybe a nice pair of slacks and a under the radar top plus some nice shoes.
    I know you well enough that if anyone can do this it is you.
    Last edited by Crissy 107; 11-13-2020 at 08:06 AM.
    Crissy

  8. #8
    Member cindylouho's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jean 103 View Post
    There is another piece of paper, an invitation to the company Christmas party. They have never had one before, and it is at a new house that they just completed, this is a big deal

    Even if I manage to some how try and do guy mode in a social setting. The last time I tried it, well I cryed the whole time.

    If I go in a dress, it will end up being all about me. That part I can handle.

    I grew up with the owner and his two brothers, lived across the street. So they see me as a guy. At work that is fine it doesn't bother me.

    Try to see between the black and white. Using the information you provided, I don't think its the best plan to just show up in a dress, since you'd be stealing the thunder from their newly completed house / First Xmas party thing. You cried last time you tried to go in guy mode, so if you went that way anyway after a while you might let a friend see how sad you are about it and could confide in them that you wanted to attend in your preferred attire. Further you could say that you even brought your girl clothes along but left them in the car as you were too afraid, maybe they just might convince you and provide the needed support to push you through. Finally why this might work is due to the fact that you'd be presenting as a woman some time after the party has been rolling along, thus you won't be stealing their thunder, quite the contrary you might end up adding a lot of life to the party. Good luck Jean.
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  9. #9
    Senior Member Jean 103's Avatar
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    Thank you all.

    After a lot more crying I have a plan.

    Everyone at the company know I dress. Some at the main office may not, but that is not a thing.

    The owner and his wife run the company. I talked to her a couple days ago on the phone.

    I already know the dress I would wear. I going to get dressed completely and take a picture. I'm going to send it to her with my request to be introduced by my last name only. My last name is a girl's name. Most already address me this way. I use it when I introduce myself to customers, it is one of the things that help me cope.

    I don't ever ask permission to be me. This is very different, it is my fault for not transitioning at work too.

    There is a little more, they are going to be passing the torch to their son soon everyone knows. I suspect they will announce it at the party. And this is his new house that was just built next door to his parents .

    Again thank you all , most people would not understand.

    Love Jean

  10. #10
    Gold Member Crissy 107's Avatar
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    Jean, Sounds like a good plan, I know you can do this.
    Crissy

  11. #11
    Senior Member Maid_Marion's Avatar
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    Another option may be to come out to everyone before the party, so it is old news by the time the party is held.

    Marion

  12. #12
    Platinum Member Shelly Preston's Avatar
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    Hi Jean

    I would suggest that if she approves when she sees the picture you wont have to worry about a thing.

    Having contacted her, I have a feeling she would make sure you get treated with the utmost respect at the party.
    Shelly

    Super Moderator....How to tell your partner......Abbreviations

  13. #13
    There's that smile! CarlaWestin's Avatar
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    Jean, thank you. You might not even realise that allowing us into your personal struggles truly helps a lot of us define and shape our own acceptance and understanding.
    See. Another dark cloud has a beautiful silver lining.

    Go and have a great time!

    And this is post #13 on Friday the 13th, geez!
    I've waited so long for this time. Makeup is so frustrating. Shaking hands and I look so old. This was a mistake.
    My new maid's outfit is cute. Sure fits tight.
    And then I step into the bedroom and in the mirror, I see a beautiful woman looking back at me.
    Smile, Honey! You look fabulous!

  14. #14
    Silver Member Devi SM's Avatar
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    Jean, as someone else here asked, are you out for your work too? The answer is obvious, you don't, because the reason of this thread is to express your sadness.

    Others say what would happy if you go dressed a a woman.

    Others tell you to give excuses, elegant form of lie.

    I have a question for you, how do you feel when at work dress as a man? Do feel comfortable, no problems? Then you go home or wherever else dress as a woman, and you feel happy, may be you're just non binary, so you can live comfortable in both modes, no both worlds, we live in just one world, unfortunately to live two lives is not something that most people approves and would be very uncomfortable as you say, your would be the center of the conversation that night but mat be in a negative way.

    Several mentioned COVID-19 and for me is more than enough reason to do not go.

    It's a known fact that covid19 is getting worse again and at least here in Californian we're going to purple tie again.

    If wasn't for COVID-19 and you would enjoy go as a woman why no? So many crossdressers here living a double life living, pretending, is not healthy.
    Mho.
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  15. #15
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    California is a liberal state. I don't know what the laws are in your state. In Washington the law would protect you in employment. I have seen some material from the state which addresses some issues that arise in employment. It does indicate an employer may ask a person to not 'flip-flop' in his or her presentation in order to not 'confuse' the employers customers. To me, that would mean not presenting as Mr. Smith on Monday and then presenting as Ms. Smith on Friday.

    If you feel that it may have been a mistake not to have presented as a woman with your employer, perhaps it is time to make that 100% transition. If you're a valued employee and your employer family accepts you, then it really becomes the problem of the customer.

  16. #16
    Silver Member Meghan4now's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Maid_Marion View Post
    Another option may be to come out to everyone before the party, so it is old news by the time the party is held.

    Marion
    I like this idea. They know who you are, so maybe it's time to cross that bridge full time.

    My one piece of advice is when you go, which you will, be as upbeat and positive as you can. If you act like this is something to be ashamed of, people will reflect that. If you act as though this is who you are, people will mostly reflect that as well.

    The universe didn't slap you, it gave you a gift. Rejoice!
    Last edited by Meghan4now; 11-13-2020 at 12:03 PM.
    Put on a Happy Face.

  17. #17
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Jean,
    If it's safe to do so under Covid 19 rules then it maybe a goodtime to finally make the transition at work . Pictures are a useful way to break the ice , I'm sure you're aware knowing about your TG situation and seeing the reality is totally different , I hope it works out OK for you .
    The real me , no going back.

  18. #18
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    That is a terrible dilemma. It must be crushing not to be able to live your truth. Avoiding crowds due to Covid might be a valid excuse. But I think this is a bigger crossroad in your life. If you wear a dress to this party, though, i think you'll be in for a pleasant surprise. It won't be "all about you" as you say. You'll get compliments from women about how nice you look, nothing from the men, and then they'll move on to another topic.

    At my workplace, I worried for a long time about what questions I would get from whoever saw me dressed. The answer: none. I went in with the attitude that it was "Not A Big Deal" and my coworkers reacted the same way. I really hope you'll find a way to convince yourself to go wearing your prettiest dress and act as though you've done this many times before. While you imagine now that this is difficult to impossible, once this hurdle is behind you, you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner. Good luck

  19. #19
    Weirdest woman ever! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    I have an alterative plan for u, Jean. Spend $30 at Ross for a dress shirt and slacks. Wear some low heeled booties. Go as a guy and no one will be the wiser!

    U can completely relax knowing no feathers will be ruffled or uncomfortable surprises will haunt your future business dealings! Just have fun!

    Mary Xmas and you're welcome!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  20. #20
    Girl about Town Jodie_Lynn's Avatar
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    If most of the people you work with know that you dress, please clarify the issue here, I'm confused.

    I recently had to decline going to a memorial service for my beloved sister, because the family insisted that I attend in male garb. And this was from family members who declared that they supported my decision to be my true self.

    It broke my heart not to go, and I've been severing ties with the family since then.
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  21. #21
    Senior Member Jean 103's Avatar
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    There are only two that have to give their consist. That would be the owner and his son.

    Actually I already know that the owner will give me greef for not going to him first. But thier office and where they live is more than an hour away. I said that because this is something I should ready do in person. He is a very busy man , so l would have to be brief.
    I grew up with him . He is a year older than me. We were in band , scouts, I did live access the street from them, so we go way back.

    If I put him on the spot he will say no. If I do it so they can all think about it with no pressure I might have a chance.

    If I were to just show up. The worst thing is they would do is ask me to leave. They will never fire me, even if they did I have another job waiting.

    These people are more like family to me. This is the problem , it is not just a place I work. It is family owned and run.

    They all know,, someone sent pictures of me dressed trying to get me fired a few years ago. I never saw them. Didn't work, he knows and doesn't care what I do on my own time.

    I live as Jean, I have lots of friends , I do everything representing female except work. I have no problem being in public other than running into my friends. A good thing.

    I'm could be making a big deal out of nothing to.

    Back when I was coming out to everyone, this one friend I was worried I would lose. I ask this wife for help, as it turned out, he doesn't care at all. I can go to his house in ether mode.

    My best friend thinks it's great I can wear whatever. The other day I stopped for a minute at her house on my way home and I was still in my work clothes. She told me I look better in a dress.

    You see I can't just ignore my feeling anymore.

    How I deal with it at work is be in the moment. When I'm with a customer they have my full attention. I block everything out. It's part of why customers love me. I listen to what they have to say and respond with respect .

    And back to the core of my problem, it is that I respect them that I feel the need to ask permission, something that I never do.

  22. #22
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    Hi Jean , It sounds like you have things figured out, Please keep ua advised of your progress,

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  23. #23
    Aspiring Member SaraLin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jean 103 View Post
    And back to the core of my problem, it is that I respect them that I feel the need to ask permission, something that I never do.
    Aha! If that's the problem, then I think that you need to re-frame your thinking.

    Don't think of it as "asking permission" so much as being sensitive to the feelings of others and not wanting to disrupt their event.

    Simply explain that outside of work, this is who you are and that if you were to attend, it would be a significantly different look than what you do on the job.
    If they have a problem with this, you can say that you understand and politely explain that you'll have to regretfully decline.
    If they're OK with it - party on girl!

  24. #24
    Member MonicaPVD's Avatar
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    Sounds like you are using this invitation as a convenient mechanism to force the resolution of a much deeper dilemma: complete your social transition or continue going to work disguised as a man. You have created a crisis in your head where there is none. Take a deep breath, love. You have three options. Go as yourself. Go in your man disguise (you can buy a button down shirt for $20 anywhere to go with your work pants and shoes). Or, just stay home because there's a damn pandemic and no one should be throwing parties right now.

  25. #25
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Jean,
    Maybe treat respect as a two way road , you may respect them , perhaps you should give them the chance to respect you . Once I've stepped down that road I don't turn back , I try and be consistent .
    Last edited by Teresa; 11-16-2020 at 10:30 AM.
    The real me , no going back.

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