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Thread: You're very lucky , you pass !

  1. #1
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    You're very lucky , you pass !

    Most members here know I'm out full time as Teresa , I'm happy with my acceptance but I stopped looking for the " Passing " label sometime ago , all I wanted was to integrate into society and get on with my life .

    Today I was out with a lady walking her dog when we got into a conversation about hair styling , she then asked me about my hair and wig and the choices some crossdressers make . She passed her opinion and then turned to me and said your'e very lucky as you pass , I thanked her and asked what she based it on , not forgetting she has known me for a couple of years in male mode . She said it was the combination of my physical size and and shape , my choice of hair and use of makeup and dressing sensibly but just as important I didn't try and overact the part of a woman . I know when I met the whole group for the first time how I looked wasn't what they expected but in a good way .

    I admit I still get good days and bad , days where you doubt yourself so to get an unprompted conversation like this is still something to cherish .
    The real me , no going back.

  2. #2
    Gold Member Helen_Highwater's Avatar
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    Teresa,

    I feel what she was describing was the ability to blend done well as you often report that in our outings SA's "clock you" but treat you as female. Her observations reflected that what you now do on a daily basis is what a typical GG would do. No over guilding of the lily, applying the KISS rule, Keep It Simple Stupid, presenting with confidence and it's amazing what can be achieved.

    I'm taller and heavier than you (a few?! dress sizes bigger) but I've realised over time that until I speak or get up close, face to face to someone folks generally take no notice of me, I don't stand out in a crowd as I don't dress to draw attention to myself, little Mrs average.

    Anyone wondering about going out should draw inspiration from Teresa's and other's posts. Just mimic Ms average GG and all will be good.
    Who dares wears Get in, get out without being noticed

  3. #3
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    I have to agree with every thing said above about dressing to blend. I would also like to add that I am more comfortable now that I have basically decided to stop trying to fool anyone into thinking I am a GG or was AFAB. I am not trying to pass as anything more than a Transwoman.

    Are people who treat me like a GG just being nice? Maybe so, but honestly that's all I ask.

  4. #4
    Aspiring Member Angela1954's Avatar
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    My comfort level increased dramatically when I stopped worrying about passing.

  5. #5
    Silver Member Aunt Kelly's Avatar
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    That's it exactly, Roberta. They are treating us as the person we clearly are. As I'm sure you've observed, that's the way most people respond to normal social interaction. Yes, a few will show that wide-eyes look of surprise when they finally realize, but most will smile and recover. The number of genuinely hostile responses are vanishingly rare.

  6. #6
    Silver Member Micki_Finn's Avatar
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    “Overact the part of a woman” is a big one. I see CDs trying to “act like a woman” and I laugh to myself because it always looks a bit silly and cartoonish. This coming from a drag queen that tries to look silly and cartoonish, lol.

  7. #7
    Member cindylouho's Avatar
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    Speaking as someone who has spent ~ 90% of my life as an ardent girl watcher, the whole passing worry is a moo point, it's a cows opinion... if you will When I would sit at a caf? or some other girl watching spot, I would continuously scan my surroundings for pretty girls, as I'm genetically predisposed to do. When I would eye someone whom I thought was crossdressing or trans, I'd simply continue scanning, unless they looked so good that they would 'Pass' if you will, in which case I would lock on and scan, and scan. My point is if you're worried about people staring, don't, because almost all the time it will be the unsaid compliment that you likely desire.
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  8. #8
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Cindy,
    I agree if you don't attract attention , treat it as a compliment

    Roberta,
    That is the question , are they being nice or is it we don't appear a threat .

    I guess there is the perspective of ridicule . I wonder if the people I come into contact with on a daily basis , my art group or my dog walkers would accept me if I ridiculed myself and therefore ridiculed them ? Perhaps that question is more based on the ones who knew me in male mode , that's possibly where any doubts I have come from as I don't have the same problem in the town where they only know me as Teresa .

    I also realise some may get heated about the subject of " Passing " but it does obviously mean something to the general public , I admit I was surprised by the lady using the term . I accept some members don't see the need in , " Passing , blending or integrating " as they don't want or need to live as a woman .
    The real me , no going back.

  9. #9
    Weirdest woman ever! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    Teresa, that lady was being nice but has no concept what "passing" for a T means!
    Acceptance and passing r like nite and day. I've said this before. If u aren't sure if u passed, u DIDN'T!

    I have passed a number of times at Halloween and other vanilla mask/costume events. Because I'm 5' 9" before heels and try not to speak.

    When u pass, people treat u COMPLETELY DIFFERENT! Because they think of and treat natal women and CD's very differently!
    T's that have passed know what I'm talking about!
    Last edited by docrobbysherry; 11-13-2020 at 03:07 PM.
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  10. #10
    Connie Connie D50's Avatar
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    This is a hard one, first I'll say like everyone presenting with confidence is a must. I always say I can blend not pass. I have no chance passing if I wear a fancy dress too the supermarket, or jeans to the opera. Every women I know wife, two daughters look at other women to watch styles (and we all know what men look for). Again it's not a stare down however if they see someone anyone that is over or under dressed the stare increases. Which I do not want to happen the more your stare at me (Connie) the much better chance at you seeing (insert male name lol). The more I go out the better I present because of presenting with confidence. I have not had a lot of days in a row dressed going out but a few and I can tell the last day is soo nice and free. Do I pass any better, no it goes back to presenting with confidence sorry for the rambling have a great day. Connie

  11. #11
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Sherry ,
    The lady was being honest , she brought the subject up not me , I wasn't looking for or expecting a comment like that . I also get the feeling she has chewed the subject over with the other dog walkers .

    To add a P.S. one of the ladies asked me about me running an art course as she'd heard it from someone else , so as soon as the lockdown ends she would like to start a basic drawing course , this is why I no longer think about the passing issue . The priority is I'm Teresa , I'm an artist and I'm also TG .
    The real me , no going back.

  12. #12
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    Teresa, I don't know what your stature is; height, weight ratios. From the pictures you posted it is obvious you're not six foot and 200 pounds like me. Even in group photos of my family I stick out. Only my son, six foot and 230 pounds sticks out more. That's not a bad thing if I am presenting as my male self. Presenting as a woman? It does not play well for flying under the radar not matter what feminine attire I may wear. Of course, any person's attire will attract attention if the attire is out of place.

    I know Great Britain had some "decency law" that were directed towards gays and lesbians and those non-conforming to acceptable attire; cross dressers. There is always the prospect of overt hostility to someone who does not conform to another person's expectation. Perhaps, that is something that shaped her comment.

    In many of your posts you have indicated some of your neighbors gave you a cool reception. Even if a person gets to know you there is no guarantee of full acceptance; just tolerance. Those who get to really know you should realize you're just an ordinary person and treat you as such.

    As a cross dressing man I would feel a lot more comfortable if I was five foot six.
    Last edited by char GG; 11-14-2020 at 01:14 PM. Reason: Not needed, may start a discussion against the rules

  13. #13
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Stephanie,
    The lady wouldn't haven't given legal considerations a second thought she was just passing comments as she saw it .

    I realise that it's easier for me at 5' 7" and 150 lbs and that's the point she was making , I appreciate it must be more difficult for larger members but not impossible .

    The expectation of most neighbours would be a cool reception , I've been through that and now they are just neighbours to me without restrictions . You could ask anyone how much they tolerate their neighbours irrespective of gender issues and get mixed replies .
    The real me , no going back.

  14. #14
    Gold Member Helen_Highwater's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stephanie47 View Post

    I know Great Britain had some "decency law" that were directed towards gays and lesbians and those non-conforming to acceptable attire; cross dressers.
    POI here,

    It's not an offence to be naked in public in England and Wales but it does become an offence if it can be proved the person stripped off with the intention to upset and shock. The complainant has to prove this.

    In the UK it's not an offence to present as a member of the opposite sex as long as it's not to deceive for criminal purposes. You can dress pretty much dress as you want to as long as it doesn't offend public decency and that would typically include deliberately doing something of a blatant sexual nature, so in the same vein as the being naked the complainant would need to prove it.

    It was the case that it was an offence to be Gay and you could spend time in prison for it however that law was taken off the statute books years ago and pardons issued for those previously imprisoned.
    Who dares wears Get in, get out without being noticed

  15. #15
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    You're missing my point. From a historical perspective, if one has lived with the so-called "decency" laws, that may still be something in the back of her mind. Yes, those laws are no longer on the books. Just recently our United States Supreme ruled in favor of extending protections to transgender men and women. It was not until recently our Supreme Court ruled gay men and women were entitled to wed which does have a ripple effect on many other laws.

    This does not mean everyone is now warm and fuzzy with the LGBTQ community shown by the violence against them. As I have said numerous times legal protection does not infer acceptance. If you're five foot seven and 150 pounds the chances of being recognized as transgender is less than a six foot, 200 lb-er. I am not talking about the issues of the law, but those who assert their feelings and hostility outside the law.

    There have been numerous comments on this site indicating wives are concerned, whether justified or not, about their husband's physical safety. Helen, I know plenty of white folks who do not like African-Americans and show it in many ways. It does not matter whether the law protects anyone. The law is usually applied after there has been a transgression.

  16. #16
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Stephanie,
    As I said your going in far too deep for the conversation I had with the lady , I was surprised she even came up with the " passing " comment .
    The real me , no going back.

  17. #17
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    Teresa,

    Your neighbor exemplifies what this world needs more of - kindness and acceptance. Kudos to you and your neighbor! Continue doing Teresa.

    If more of us would step outside of our comfort zone and present our authentic gender identities, I believe that society's negative perception of transgender people could change.

    Best wishes!
    PS: I envy your height.

  18. #18
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    DMichelle,
    This is why I keep posting my stories , I don't just see it as my acceptance but I hope it gains acceptance for the TG community .

    Sorry I lied about my height I forgot to add the extra half inch .
    The real me , no going back.

  19. #19
    Member nancy58's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cindylouho View Post
    Speaking as someone who has spent ~ 90% of my life as an ardent girl watcher, the whole passing worry is a moo point, it's a cows opinion... if you will When I would sit at a caf? or some other girl watching spot, I would continuously scan my surroundings for pretty girls, as I'm genetically predisposed to do. When I would eye someone whom I thought was crossdressing or trans, I'd simply continue scanning, unless they looked so good that they would 'Pass' if you will, in which case I would lock on and scan, and scan. My point is if you're worried about people staring, don't, because almost all the time it will be the unsaid compliment that you likely desire.
    I have a couple of thoughts on this. The first is that when I first became serious about crossdressing, I realized that I was fairly safe, being in my 40s, because no one pays a lot of attention to a homely, middle-aged woman. This was after going out several times and finding that no one gave me a second glance. The other thought is about a conversation I had with a friend in which she mentioned an exchange with her daughter when the daughter was in her teens. "Mom, I feel like everyone is looking at me," the daughter had said. I don't recall what my friend said to her in response, but she said that, of course, a beautiful blonde young woman attracts everyone's notice. It seems like if passing is a concern, the best tack is to not stand out.

    Another thing on passing is that people tend to see what they're expecting to see. At my office we had people from another company sharing our space for awhile, and one of them was clearly readable to me as transgender, but when we had new hires on my team, none of them ever remarked about the "different" woman from the other company.
    Nancy
    "If you are lucky enough to find a way of life that you love, you have to find the courage to live it." -- John Irving

  20. #20
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Nancy,
    Some good points raised in your comments , people can stand out for both good as well as bad points .

    It's just reminded me of a counsellor I saw, she was well over six feet tall , fairly slim build with greyish hair down to her waist , she always wore loose clothes with skirts calf length and flat shoes . She had a medium toned voice and more masculine features , the first time I saw her walk passed the waiting area I did wonder if she was TS but speaking to her during the sessions I didn't give her gender a second thought , she was very good at her job and helped me through a difficult period .

    I didn't see her as a gender counsellor but I know she had some clients she was helping through transition . She also gave me a lesson in passing , I had some pictures with me so she took one out to the receptionist to ask if the lady in the picture had arrived for her appointment yet , the receptionist replied she hadn't .
    The real me , no going back.

  21. #21
    Reality Check Krisi's Avatar
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    I would say that if someone tells you that you "pass", you don't unless that person knows you as a male.

    "Passing" is a moving target. Many of us would "pass" if someone was walking by at a distance of thirty feet or more. Or if we were standing on the corner and they drove by in their car. Having a conversation at close range would be far more difficult. There are a lot of signs like physical size and weight, large hands and feet and of course the voice.

    When I watch crossdresser's videos on youtube, nearly all are quickly identifiable as male crossdressers. A very few are not.
    Krisi

  22. #22
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Krisi,
    The lady in question is one of the few who knew me in male mode when I started walking my dog . Obvioulsy our conversation was close but still observed Covid 19 rules , I will repeat that she brought the subject up , my assumption being I had been talked over by the other dog walkers and they must be happy with my appearance as Teresa .

    I don't feel I need a video to prove my point , I'm talking fact not fiction .
    The real me , no going back.

  23. #23
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    Teresa, like you I have been out in girl mode for a long time.

    Even now, when I really don't think about being out in public, I have to admit that I have moments of....well...shock I guess is a good word.

    It comes down to outfits. Every once in a while I buy a new outfit that I thought was so cute at the store and when i put it on...I look like Popeye in a dress! No matter what I do, I just look wrong! I just don't know what the difference is between one outfit and the other; though obviously there is one!

    Have you had this happen to you?

  24. #24
    Platinum Member Teresa's Avatar
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    Michelle ,
    I'm trying to be careful in my choices , I admit sometimes I have to be a little braver and push myself , then someone says I like what you're wearing . It took me a few weeks to push myself to wear the skirt in my avatar to my painting group after I'd worn trousers , no one noticed !!

    The first time I met my mother I had to think what might be suitable , she told me she prefers skirts and then remarked on my nails .
    Last edited by Teresa; 11-17-2020 at 05:33 PM.
    The real me , no going back.

  25. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by Krisi View Post
    When I watch crossdresser's videos on youtube, nearly all are quickly identifiable as male crossdressers. A very few are not.
    One of the problems, maybe not a problem, is the viewer knows he or she is watching a cross dresser. In still pictures on Youtube and elsewhere I see many lovely young women who are definitely 100% passable. Just about every night I watch Vanna White strut across the screen turning letters. Her movements are fluid. And graceful. I have seen young ladies/teenagers at the malls who trip over their feet because they do not wear heels at all. On newscasts I see women easily walking in spike heels. Sometimes I think a cross dresser is thinking too much about how he is presenting and thus overcompensates for the fact he does not have the anatomy at the hips. I wonder how many cross dressers I miss because they are emulating ordinary women who would not attract attention.

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