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Thread: Detransition

  1. #51
    Member Jazzy Jaz's Avatar
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    Though I don?t have any answers for you I sincerely hope things workout for you in the best possible way, whatever that might be.

  2. #52
    If only you could see me sarahcsc's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Robin-in-TX View Post
    Devi,

    Sarah,

    Thank you for your post. I agree that growing up when I did frames the way I approach myself as a transwoman. I did grow up with bigoted parents in a bigoted society. As a teen in the 1970's, I can still recall the terms my father used to describe trans women. I won't repeat them, they don't deserve air. This was when Renee Richards was in the news and I heard it all the time. Of course I knew they were talking about me. I've known I was born in the wrong body since I had a sense of self. While transwomen face physical risks now, then was far worse. I don't know how they had the courage to do it.

    The only way to get by then was to deny yourself and learn what was expected of you as your at-birth gender and act like it is all a play, you are not you, you are the character you are playing every day. So, yes, I react to myself with some form of self-loathing. I wish I wasn't trans. I wish I could happily go on with the act. I don't know that I can. While I was transitioning, when I had the smooth skin, my breasts were growing, and the affects mentally and emotionally, that was the best I've ever felt internally.

    Thank you again.

    Robin
    Dear Robin,

    Oh... it is heartbreaking to hear you say that about yourself. I can't speak for everybody here but I am rooting for you! I said before that you must first believe that you are deserving of love before you are ready to accept it. Most people need occasional reminders that they are deserving, but for some, they need a constant infusion of it every day. To borrow a phrase from Darth Vader, "the self-loathing is strong with this one".

    Robin, nobody here can or should attempt to convince you to detransition or stay the course. But why share your story of self-loathing with us? Why share it if you weren't secretly hoping to be challenged, to be proven wrong, or to be shown love and compassion?

    You said in your OP that you wanted to share your detransition story so that it may help others who are considering it. That is noble. But you immediately undermine your goals by saying you're not happy about it and that you're filled with regret and self-loathing. You have to forgive some of us here who became annoyed at you because you are essentially trying to teach us how not to be happy!

    I see through you, Robin. I don't know how to show love on this forum but I'll try. Someone here once did it for me and it meant a great deal and that's why I keep coming back to return the favour. One day it'll be your turn to do the same as well.

    (Boink..! Is that good enough?)

    Your internal transphobe is no match for my emoji! Come over to the light side! Lol.

    Take care, Robin.

    S
    Last edited by sarahcsc; 04-10-2021 at 12:36 AM.
    "The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me" - Ayn Rand

  3. #53
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    I grew up in the 70s as well... I heard the same thing from not just my dad but pretty much everybody...

    Worse? I said them too. I had repressed the whole thing in a very powerful way ... I'd explode for moments of GD and expression through dressing in my moms or sisters stuff... some nights it was so bad that i snuck around at 230 am and put on a jeans skirt i stole from the mall and hid in the garage...i'd put it on and walk around the neighboorhood... and over the years i did other crazy things... And all that time once i got the GD away from me, it was like I couldnt see myself.. I didn't think about it until I thought about it...

    It was horrible but I didnt know.. In the 70s Sarah we were taught that trans people were sex workers.. only passable effeminte young "men" could be trans and it was even a thing that pretty gay men would live as women almost like beards for some of the older guys... It was illicit and dirty and mysterious at least to me...

    OVer the years it was just a hopeless feeling that I coped with.. marraige to a wonderful woman...2 kids... a very successful business career later it all kind of blew up in my 40s

    i spent years trying to avoid it.. divorce came and i found myself depressed and empty... I hit the wall and I transitioned..

    I must admit looking back once I decided, I never ever ever reconsidered or wondered... it felt like my survival instinct....
    I can recall when I decided almost perfectly because over the course of a couple weeks I had wild physical symptoms of depression and sleep deprivation... i did insane self destructive things. ... I could go on... but once i started HRT, the skies cleared and my pragamatic business side got to "Work"... and that was that...

    I share all this as just my story, and I've shared parts of it many times. It's the way it went for me. It took a massive loss of function for me to go forward.. I was totally beaten down and this was how i fought back..

    For Robin I can imagine she may reach that point, but I have no way to know.. I can share that its almost impossible to "feel better" around GD without expression your gender and it was very common in my days to see folks stop/start/stop etc/// some for many years, and i know lots of people who took HRT and are doing great, and even one that had FFS!!!! lives as a guy at work but otherwise as herself... Maybe even Robin you are going down the rabbit hole of negative self feelings because you are more on the gender spectrum?? I know folks that are like that....

    Anyway. you hang in there... keep being willing to communicate... and see what happens..
    I am real

  4. #54
    Member Robin-in-TX's Avatar
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    Hello everyone,

    This is my last update to the thread. We are returning to work and I am returning to transitioning. I restart HRT in a few days. Again, the purpose of this post at all was to describe the physical effects of ceasing HRT after 9 months of hormones, I was on hormones from the beginning of October 2019 to the end of June 2020.

    I took pictures when I started hormones to track progress. I'm comparing my current physical appearance to the pictures I took at the very start of transition.

    Body Hair: The hair on my torso came back much thinner and more fuzzy than in the past. It is far thinner on my stomach than it was. There is definitely less of it. The hair on my chest is lighter and thinner as well. I do note that some of it has turned more white/gray than it was 19 months ago when I first shaved it off. I am turning 59 in 10 days, so, having it turn white/gray is not unexpected. There is far less hair on my back, I don't know why that didn't really come back but it didn't. The hair on my legs is really patchy, thin and light in color. It was pretty black at the start. There are spots that are thicker than others.

    Facial hair: I never had thick facial hair. I never really had 5 pm shadow, it was more of a 10 pm shadow. I've never had a mustache or beard. It is a little darker but not that bad. Again, this is consistent with my genetics. I just never had a lot of beard.

    Breasts: Mine were really growing and they are still there. You don't lose them once you have them. Keep that in mind if you start HRT, no two people are the same, some get more, some get less but whatever you get, you have forever baring surgery. They don't feel the same. They were growing and felt swollen and were sore. All those things went away. I wish I had tracked that to know how long it took. It wasn't immediate.

    I don't know exactly why I didn't revert to my previous body and hair, but my guess is that the spiro and estrogen had a lasting effect on my ability to generate testosterone. Sure, I'm still producing it but not at the level it was when I started HRT. For those considering HRT, it will affect your genitals.

    Again, this is just my experience stopping HRT. I post it on the chance that someone may be considering stopping and are wondering what the physical effects might be. I'm looking forward to continuing on the transition path and wish you all the best.

    Robin
    I'm just trying to find a decent melody
    A song that I can sing in my own company

    U2

  5. #55
    Silver Member Devi SM's Avatar
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    From my viewpoint it was never a "detransitioning" thread. What you intended as to talk about the side effects of stop hrt.

  6. #56
    Member Robin-in-TX's Avatar
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    I won't disagree with you Devi. But six months ago when I started this thread, I did not know how anything would turn out. It is a thread on what happens when you stop HRT.

    Robin
    I'm just trying to find a decent melody
    A song that I can sing in my own company

    U2

  7. #57
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    Quote Originally Posted by Robin-in-TX View Post
    Facial hair: I never had thick facial hair. I never really had 5 pm shadow, it was more of a 10 pm shadow. I've never had a mustache or beard. It is a little darker but not that bad. Again, this is consistent with my genetics. I just never had a lot of beard.
    This makes me so jealous. I have a 9am shadow/ it never goes away.

    Quote Originally Posted by Robin-in-TX View Post
    Breasts: Mine were really growing and they are still there. You don't lose them once you have them. Keep that in mind if you start HRT, no two people are the same, some get more, some get less but whatever you get, you have forever baring surgery. They don't feel the same. They were growing and felt swollen and were sore. All those things went away. I wish I had tracked that to know how long it took. It wasn't immediate.
    Have you become more comfortable with your breasts and presentation at work? In your first post that was one of the main reasons you highlighted stopping the transition.
    Last edited by fly2188; 05-13-2021 at 06:08 AM.

  8. #58
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    Consenting to this path is never easy for people.

  9. #59
    Life is more fun in heels Genifer Teal's Avatar
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    I wouldn't say I detransitioned more like I stopped transitioning. I started Premarin and decided to stop after three months. I think that's what it was. Wasn't a full regiment but there was a doctor. I simply decided that while I wanted to be a woman I didn't need to be a woman. Since it's more of a choice and I knew both transitioning and not transitioning would be difficult I just decided that sort of being in the middle was working so it was the safer course of action I guess? To sum it up my fear was pretty much winding up exactly as I am stuck in the middle. But slightly on the other side of the spectrum. The only lasting effect is my nipples doubled in size but the lump starting underneath them went away. So really there isn't any lasting difference not that I would mind. This was almost 20 years ago. And here I am closer than ever to doing it again wondering why I stopped. They say we only regret what we haven't done. Maybe I'll learn that firsthand.

  10. #60
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    Detransition can be harder than transition!!
    Technically speaking you can't detransition until you've transitioned btw... that's kind of important..

    The medical path for all of us is the same. And that includes a period of time when you are heading towards transition. I don't know its still called "real life test" but the entire point is to press that button and start moving in that direction.
    Transition is when you've fully changed your life to live in the other gender ... its not surgery...its not HRT.... its living. those other things are means to an end.

    HRT is a great way to start. Socially dipping your toe in the water is another. Meeting other trans people and just hanging out with your female name and persona is another. What happens happens... Its not some magical thing.

    So Gen is spot on. Go slow..pause..take a break while you wonder...... its all part of the drill..
    For me personally I used my feelings as data... once i started HRT i never did actually look back even for a moment.. Even tho i actually fought the whole thing as it happened.. my inner brain was never ever looking back..

    Robin's sharing is great for us (altho I don't call what she did detransitioning).

    Their honesty is so helpful to us and for themselves..
    I am real

  11. #61
    Super Moderator Jeri Ann's Avatar
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    Here is the Forum definition of transition copied from the sticky at the top of the page.

    ?The process an individual takes to change their assigned birth gender to that of the opposite. This process may include, Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT), Sexual Reassignment Surgery (SRS), Gender Confirmation Surgery (GCS), Name Change, Breast Augmentation (BA) and Living full time in the preferred gender in all environments.?

    I had no input into this definition but it is pretty close to what I would put together with the exception of one word, “preferred”. I think that a better word is “necessary”.

    Transitioning is difficult, costly and painful. My advice has always been, if it is not absolutely necessary, do not do it.
    Last edited by Jeri Ann; 06-07-2021 at 01:15 PM.

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